For Those That Yearn For Adventure #3 (11/1/15)—Nonsanity's "Words Failed Her" · 2:59am Nov 2nd, 2015
Fun Fact: I was finished with this review when my browser refreshed, causing me to rewrite the entire thing a second time. OH JOY! Lesson learned: never write a blog in the Fimfic blog space.
Important Note: This story was written before Twilight’s ascension.
I’ve deided that this November, on top of trying to write a novel, I’m going to try and adopt habits that will help me become a better writer. One of these things is to read more, and to make sure I do that, I am going to be reviewing stories that I read, one review for every day in November. This may seem outlandish, but hey, if I fail, I’ll at least be better off than I was before I was reading, right?
Right?
Anywho, I have a meticulous system for how I’m choosing stories for this, and so they’ll be going in a specific order. Please be patient, as I’m trying out a new style of reviewing that I’m hoping is better than what I’ve done before. I will probably screw up a few of these reviews, but I need the practice.
The first story in this deals with the sacrifice of something near and dear to a specific pony of the Mane 6. I’ve seen multiple stories about Rainbow Dash losing her wings, but can you imagine Twilight losing her love of reading? How about losing her ability to read altogether? Here is a story that tackles this dilemma. Fillies and gentlecolts, ladies and gentlemen, this is
Words Failed Her
by Nonsanity
Tags: Adventure and Slice of Life
Word Count: 7,194
In a world full of magic, mere words can pose a deadly threat. When simply reading a sign can instantly infect the unwary, and cases start to turn up all around Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle casts the only spell she can find that can give her the time she needs to find the cause of the plague. But then she has to figure out how to stop the epidemic... without being able to read.
I’d like to say, before I begin, that any and all criticisms I have for the story are meant neither to belittle or discourage Nonsanity; they are merely meant to discuss the story, and give my opinions on what didn’t work for me. Take my opinions with a grain of salt, as I am not very bright.
Review Commences Here
The whole of my review can probably be summed up with this sentence: the story has a nice framework and set-up, but it lacks a lot to really make it come alive. It begins interestingly enough, with a normal day for Twilight and Spike turning into mayhem immediately as Twilight must run away from her books in order to deal with Pinkie Pie acting oddly. The characters that are used are set up well in relation to the conflict, and they act like the issue is actually a problem to them. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and the Cakes all react accordingly, making the conflict seem threatening.
The worldbuilding, on the other hand, is not diverse enough to truly make the conflict come alive. There are only seven characters that are used throughout the entire conflict (chapters 1 and 2), and for a conflict revolving around something so commonplace, Ponyville’s really calm. I feel the conflict doesn’t really shine through because there isn’t enough exhibition of it, and that may be because the story’s too short with what it’s trying to accomplish, but I think there’s another problem with the story. I’ll come back to that later.
The characterization is actually really good. The few characters the story uses here have fitting, good dialogue for the most part, good reactions, and a fitting place in the world. The OC, the character related to Starswirl the Bearded, is standout; he has an ancient sound, an absoluteleness that words can possess, which is great for a story like this. It gets the meaning of the words across very nicely.
The only really awkward bit of dialogue was this, in Chapter 1:
Twilight bewilderedly watched for a moment and then asked, "What was she doing before?"
"Before?" Mrs. Cake thought for a bit and said, "There was something about a new recipe she wanted to try."
Twilight’s ears perked up. "Aha! A new recipe. What was it for?"
Mrs. Cake shook her head. "I don't know. But it must still be here somewhere.”
This poses a problem because it removes the mystery of this situation; it’s less these three trying to figure out what’s going on, and more the plot trying to chug itself along. It’s odd that Mrs. Cake brought up that suspicious detail when it didn’t answer Twilight’s question, so I have to chalk this up as an odd dialogue choice.
But that may just be me.
Twilight herself has nice dialogue, and she has some energy in this story, but I find that after she sacrifices her reading ability, nothing much happens to her in terms of character growth. This is definitely an issue with how the conflict’s treated, but she doesn’t have very many opportunities to grow as a character. I personally feel that she sacrificed her reading ability too early in the story—some worldbuilding and deliberation would’ve made her decision more meaningful, as after considering her options she has no choice about it, maybe. She doesn’t get a chance to grow as a character because she figures out what to do in the story far too quickly. I feel a lot more deliberation about the conflict would’ve made Twilight’s struggle stronger, and would’ve given her a greater chance to grow as a character. This is a part of another problem with the story, and I’ll get to that later.
The conflict is a very interesting one, but I feel that after Twilight gives up her abilities, it feels like it’s on train tracks. Twilight must figure out how to stop the malediction that is plaguing Ponyville, and the way she resolves it is done extremely quickly. My big problem with the conflict is that it’s resolved too easily. There’s little struggle to figure out what’s going on, and even Twilight’s lack of reading ability isn’t explored much; the story moves too quickly for that to happen. The first chapter does a nice job of showing the problems that the conflict poses, but it doesn’t have a chance to really shine.
That’s a part of a bigger problem with the story, and that, as well as the lack of worldbuilding and character development are a sign of the biggest problem with the story: the pacing. It moves too quickly, not letting the weight of the situation really settle, or let Twilight really get a chance to reflect on anything. It moves from Point A to Point B in a way that diffuses the mysterious nature of the malediction. I like the pacing of most of Chapter 1 before Twilight removes her ability to read, and I like the pacing of Chapter 3. Everything between that flies by, and I can’t really appreciate the gravity of anything happening there.
I hate to criticize more, because that seems like all I’ve been doing, but the ending was a bit odd as well. This may just be me being nitpicky, or my being an idiot, but if Starswirl’s words are trying to protect their tomes, and they’re looking for new places to etch their words, then what was it that caused the ponies to act all befuddled and whatnot? What was the nature of the curse? I’m not sure if I missed anything through this, or if I’m just picking at nothing, but it seemed like an oversight here.
I really do think that the major problem of the story is the pacing. I think that if the story put in more bedlam with the spell, with all of Ponyville and maybe even Canterlot going possessed, it would’ve made the severity of the conflict more vivid, and therefore would’ve made the struggle to fix it more engaging. I think that if the story let Twilight deliberate on her choice, and even let her try other options of curing the malady, such as scientifically testing the infected texts or using her fail-safe cure-all spell to get rid of it, it would’ve made Twilight’s struggle more investing, and her choices matter a lot more. I think that if the story didn’t just go from point A to point B, the problems with Twilight’s illiteracy would’ve made the situation a lot bleaker, (e.g.She may’ve just given up on learning altogether, but then she realized that she could relearn how to read), it could’ve invested a lot more time with choices, and more mystery and tension could’ve been built up. I’m not sure if 7,000 words was too little for this, but it jut needed those crucial elements explored and expanded.
Finally the technicals. It’s a technically sound story, I believe (I’ll admit that technicals are one of my weaker areas of reviewing). I don’t recall any spelling or punctuation errors that stood out to me. The story has a brisk pace that mostly works to move the story along; the pacing sometimes makes it seem choppy.
In conclusion, Words Failed Her had a really good idea, but it went by too quickly for its own good. It began with a great set-up, the characterization was really good, and the prose itself had little-to-no problems. It just seemed underdeveloped in the important areas; the protagonist didn’t have enough chances to develop, the setting didn’t have enough chaos to be striking enough, and the conflict itself went by on a too-narrow track. I praise Nonsanity for his work on this, and if he works on the sequel to this, I wish him the best of talent and luck, if need be.
That’s it for the first review of this month. I hope I did the story some sort of justice, and reviewed it well. Nonsanity, if you read this, I have no intention of either discouraging, belittling, or insulting you; these were my honest thoughts after I had read your story. I hope you do continue writing.
It's been a while since I read this story, but I can see a lot of the points that you're getting at. The story hasn't aged very in my opinion (though, that seems to be the case with a lot of stories as old as this one). Truthfully, if I read it today, I'm not sure I would even upvote it, let alone give it a favorite. I suppose that is a good thing for the fandom at large though- that stories are getting better over time.
This idea was an eye-opener for me. Upon closer read it definitely feels unnatural, but it's not something I'd notice on first glance. Nice catch!
I feel bad that you're not getting any responses on these reviews. I'll try to read them, but I probably won't comment unless it happens to be a story I've already read. Maybe you should comment on the stories telling the authors you made the review. It's not an uncommon thing to do and I'm sure they'd appreciate reading your analysis.
3521740 You have always been awesome, and I thank you for being the first to comment on it, and also offering your insight. If you continue to follow it, I hope that I shall deliver great content!