For Those That Yearn for Adventure #4 (11/2): shortskirtsandexplosions's "Great Big Sky"

And here goes another attempt at an adventure review.
Applejack is a very sensible, down-to-earth pony with a rather large résumé. Protector of Equestria, darling of Ponyville, organizer of the Sisterhooves Social, manager of Sweet Apple Acres. That's a lot on her plate, and it wouldn't be a stretch to imagine that she'd get tired at times.

Would it be a surprise, though, if she found herself on an adventure all on her own, given how grounded she is, and how close she is to her friends? What circumstances would bring her to that situation? Well, here is a story that puts Applejack on her own adventure, however brief it may be. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is

Great Big Sky
by shortskirtsandexplosions
Tags: Adventure and Sad
Word Count: 4,939
A brisk wind blows Applejack's hat away. She goes chasing after it and finds herself in another world.

Based off of the cover picture by Zaponator, can Applejack recover her hat in this world? What will she discover here? Will she find her way home?

And before I begin, I would like to say that the criticisms this review is in no way attempting to be belittling, discouraging or insulting; these are just my opinions on the story. Also take it with a grain of salt; I’m not a very smart person, so I may look at an aspect of the story the wrong way.

Review Commences Here

With this review, I’m going to make an attempt to talk about various elements of storytelling, because though this is more likely than not a flight-of-fancy story, one that doesn't quite follow the “set rules of storytelling,” I don’t think all of the elements worked together for the best. I enjoyed the story personally, but I do think it could be better, even with the fantastical tone it shows.

Firstly, though, I really enjoyed the introduction. The moment with Applejack and her mother was very touching, and it served as a great showcasing of both the idea of adventure and the fantastical nicely. There was a great deal of description, both in front of the fireplace and within the story. It also sets up the later events of the story very nicely, in terms of Applejack’s mindset.

Major Spoilers Below

The rest of the story revolves around Applejack’s imagination, and her imagination is vivid, in a semi-abstract manner. What I mean by that is, there are concrete details in the world she discovers/imagines, but it is very odd, and there’s a part where it is not obvious what an object is. The description of the landscape for both the first and the second worlds she encounters are nice, if a bit short. The descriptions are good, and they’re a good thing to read if you like floating islands and fantastical landscapes. It might be a bit of a shame that Applejack doesn’t come anywhere near any of the islands, but given that there were potentially thousands of them, perhaps it was for the best; after all, which island would she pick to explore the details of?

I would also like to say that even though I say this is an exploration of Applejack’s imagination, I can’t say with certainty that this is all in Applejack’s mind. I think it’s extremely likely, but there is a sliver of a chance that she may actually be discovering a new place, given it only seems to happen when her stetson wanders off.

It is interesting that given how Equestria seems to be set up, that Applejack would imagine/find a floating island. I know it’s based on the picture, but it is interesting that she would imagine/find a landscape like this. There’s no explanation, and I’m okay with it; it’s nice to have some mystery and wonder every once in awhile (unless that’s a naive opinion, and it’s actually not okay to have those things).

I did say earlier that I don’t think the story elements really come together, and it mainly comes to showcasing this enchantment and discovery that Applejack has. It may be because the story isn’t long enough to really showcase it, but I think that it was aiming for something that was greatly feasible at or close to this length. So for this criticism, I’m going to talk about what I think could’ve been changed for the story elements to really come together, at least in my opinion. Take it all with a grain of salt.

First, I’d like to begin with the most concrete criticism I can think of for this particular story: the dialogue not fitting the characters. The relationship between Applejack and Granny Smith is less grandmother-granddaughter, and more shaman-pupil. I didn’t like it at all. Granny Smith treats Applejack less like a granddaughter that has suppressed her wild imagination, and more like a regular pony that has a third-eye sort of thing. This is especially weird with the introduction with Applejack’s mother; besides a reference to an apple princess, nothing else is done with it. It actually makes me wonder… if there’s something more to the apple princess mention than the story lets on…

Well, maybe shortskirts does… and maybe you guys do, and I just completely missed it. Anyway, I feel like if this is an imagination-suppression story, there should’ve been more of a connection between Granny Smith and Applejack. At first, Applejack says some things about not meaning to spook Granny and appreciating the food she made in a very odd manner; it may be a genius representation of a strained conversation where one character’s trying to hide something. I can’t say, but it does come off as awkward.

It doesn’t bother me as much as the cryptic way Granny talks when telling Applejack to live a little.

"Shhhhhhh..." Granny Smith shuffled over, gently grasping the mare's shoulders. "Shhh-shhhh... none of that, darlin'. Nowthink." She bore a patient smile. "Think hard about that 'disappointment' you described earlier." The elder mare's eyes narrowed. "Now just why do ya think you felt that way?"

"Because... b-because..."

"When you was in that crazy place you described... did it really feel so crazy?"

"Huh...?" Applejack looked up, her moist face wrenched in confusion. "Granny, what are ya sayin'? That... that all of that nonsense actually happened?"

Granny Smith chuckled. Squeezing Applejack's shoulders, she murmured, "AJ, darlin', when was the last time you ever... relaxed?"

---

"You want my advice, darlin'?" Granny Smith asked.

Applejack merely nodded.

Granny smiled warmly. "The next time the wind blows yer hat away..." She patted the mare's forelimb. "Leave it," she whispered. "Go. Explore. Live."

Maybe the dialogue just went by too quickly here, or maybe it just didn’t flow well enough, but I feel that if Granny Smith was replaced with another character—say, Applejack’s mother or some other shamanistic Apple-family member, the cryptic nature of it would’ve been acceptable. Otherwise, I think the dialogue should’ve been more conversationalist or family-like.

Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Firstly, it’s probably because I’m too stupid to see that the dialogue is actually fine. Secondly, the dialogue just doesn’t sound like Granny Smith; there’s also awkwardness with Applejack’s dialogue that makes it not really sound like her:

"Well, I just kept... starin' and starin' at all of this nonsense. I had found my hat, but I couldn't summon the strength or wits to put it back on my head. (this sounds like the character has too much awareness of themselves at that time… but that could just be me) I was just so plum flabbergasted at all of this. And... and there was sounds from the distance, great and boomin', like an orchestra fallin' all over itself. And then I saw waterfalls sprinklin' into nothin', and flyin' chunks of glowin' crystal. And then... and then it came...

Thirdly and finally, for a story about Applejack needing to relax and sink back into that imagination-land because she’s working too hard for her family, the shaman-pupil sound of the dialogue doesn’t seem to drive that message through.

But that could just be me making a fuss over nothing.

The dialogue between Applejack and Apple Bloom is a bit odd, but not as much as I found Granny Smith’s. The problem here is that when Applejack brings up that Apple Bloom hasn’t been hanging out with the Crusaders as much, it seems to come out of nowhere. It would’ve tied into the story more if it was apparent that Apple Bloom has actually been taking on Applejack’s workaholic attitude, I think. The dialogue between them is nice, and it actually sounds natural most of the time, but just that detail makes the resolution with Apple Bloom not come together too well. Still, I think it’s good.

The pacing of the conflict, too, seems to suffer. I don’t think the story needs to have a swath of details of Applejack’s tedium and backbreaking work on the farm and extensive look into the fantastical world, but I don’t think there was enough tedium or, well, work on Applejack’s part to really get through that she was suppressing her imagination or working too hard (whatever is actually happening). I also personally would’ve liked to have seen some more reactions of the place she went to. The aural details were really nice, as were the visual, but I would’ve liked to have seen Applejack react more to it. I have far less of a problem with it than I do the real-world parts, and I really liked what was there. I guess like the rest of the story, it seems to go by too quickly.

I think that may be what bothers me the most about the story: everything passes by too quickly. The work goes by too quickly, making the internal conflict she has seem less warranted, and Granny Smith’s speech come more out of nowhere (I think this is because of a lack of body language, internal thought, and focus on her family and place in the Apple family). The conversation with Granny Smith goes by in a flash, with Granny seeming to have all of the answers and giving them to her really quickly without Applejack really understanding what’s going on (but that may just be me; rushed dialogue is something I really don’t like in stories). the moment with Apple Bloom was nice, but that mention of her friends seemed to be trying to create a resolution to a conflict that didn’t exist in this particular story. I think the fantastical parts actually work out really well as snippets in this regard, as they’re teasing Applejack’s imagination, but the rest of the story’s pacing seems to speed it along as well.

I’ve criticized his story a lot, and I feel like a bastard for it. There is a lot to like here, I think. The story is set up nicely, with all of the elements this story needs to be really good. The fantastical elements are really nice, and the dialogue between Applejack and Apple Bloom is nice as well. The resolution is a really good one, although I personally find it odd that Applejack must let her hat fly off in order to have the adventure (and Granny Smith saying she should do it is more crypticness, in my opinion). I think the thing that would’ve made this story a lot better is showing where Applejack fits in this world, showing to what extent her imagination is being suppressed, and how much power it has.

But that may just be me.

Finally, the technicals. The story doesn’t have any spelling or punctuation errors that I can remember. I do think the ellipses and stuttering were a bit overused, making the conversations seems halted in an unnatural way. To nitpick, I think there was a tiny bit of awkward article usage, like here notably:

"Oh sugarcube." A loving muzzle leaned in, kissing her freckled cheek. The warm light from a crackling fireplace illuminated a golden smile. "Of course she's gonna be alright! Adventures are meant to be fun, darlin'. (They’re next to a specific fireplace, right? Theirs? Why use a there? If anything, why not have a warm light from the crackling fireplace, or even using the both times?)

But that’s me being really nitpicky. The language reads nicely throughout, and the vocabulary is breathtaking, I think. To nitpick finally, I would say that the single-sentence paragraph is used a tad too often, especially one after the other.

But that may just be me.

In conclusion, Great Blue Sky is a really nice fantastical story that showcases a great imagination and a great character, but could probably be more compact for its own good. The characterization is nice, the worldbuilding is really nice, the set-up is nice, and the conclusion is nicely ambiguous. I do think the dialogue is strained, the emotion Applejack is feeling isn’t too-well showcased, and the pacing is too quick. I would recommend it for being a nice story about getting into the more playful side of Applejack, as I do think it’s a nice story, but keep in mind that it’s a bit loose.

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There’s the second review for this month, twenty-eight to go. I’m hoping I’ve not doomed myself by being really critical with it, and if shortskirtsandexplosions ever reads through it, I’d like to stress that this review, like all of my others, isn’t meant to belittle, discourage, or insult you in any way. These are my honest thoughts on the story you wrote. Praise to you for writing it, and for writing so many great stories. I hope you continue writing, and will be awaiting great things.

Unless you’re tired of my criticizing your stories, in which case, I’ll stop. I’m actually kinda paranoid about reviewing, especially greatly-known authors, because I know I’m nowhere near their level of writing, and I try to give every story the due I feel it deserves with all of the hard work a story has put into it.

NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge

November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity