For Those That Yearn for Adventure #9 (11/7)—Bok's "The Lonesome Drake" · 1:05am Nov 8th, 2015
I've gone through stories for each of the Mane 6, and so now it's time for Spike to take center stage.
The wild west is quite a legendary time period, isn't it? Claiming what land you could and working off of it, defending your family from marauders, and of course the shoot-outs. I've a bit more exposure to this kind of life than a cursory glance would allow, due to my grandparents watching western (and sci-fi) movies, my mother showing me the legend that is John Wayne, and living twenty minutes away from ranchers that don't take no guff from no one. I'm mostly a suburbanite, but I've my fair share of knowledge of the western life.
How much that knowledge will come into play when regarding this review is questionable. This story deals with both the creation of a western movie, and a string of "real-life" shootouts. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
The Lonesome Drake
by Bok
Tags: Adventure and Comedy
Word Count: 5,740
Some fighters are celebrated in ballads, others have their names whispered by bandits as wretched curses across the desert winds and even more are remembered for the injustice they fought.
This one belches fire.
What sort of dangers does Spike face in this western adventure? What kind of legend does he carve for himself? What are the Diamond Dogs doing here? Read the story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
The story is split into two different phases: Appleloosa, and Applenoosa. Most of the story takes place with Spike and Twilight in Applenoosa, a shady town full of scum and villainy; the rest of it takes place in the town we've come to know, where Applejack tries her best to be in a movie that the director, and her idol, Occi Leoneuccelli is creating.
On the positive side, I think the comedy in both sections is done spectacularly. There's great timing, slapstick, and characterization in the funny moments. I think the characterization really shines in these moments, With most of the characters having comedy through (light) misery. Pinkie herself is, well, I've no other word than Pinkie-Pie.
"In a minute!" Leoneuccelli called back, "Can't you see I'm trying to recruit the best villain Equestria has ever seen?" He turned back to Pinkie, "So how about it? Would you strike fear into the heart of every mare, colt and foal with your acting?"
Pinkie slowly slid a dastardly mustache onto her snout with one eyebrow arched. "Your proposal...intrigues me."
And Braeburn is ever the optimist.
"Don't feel down just yet," her cousin assured, "soon as he sees you rope a lasso or buck a tree, he's sure to give you a good part."
"What part did you get again, Braeburn?"
"I'm Nameless Mook #5!"
Witty vocabulary and a fluid and sometimes absurd response to the world help the comedy really come alive in this story.
The rest of the story, though, seems underdeveloped. The movie-making part seems less so, but I think there's not enough characterization or character-utilization for this part to really shine. Stage Light, the star of the movie, gets no dialogue at all, nor does he get characterization more than being a typical spoiled movie star; we don't even learn if he predominantly stars in westerns. I think Occi's characterized alright for his role, actually having a good amount of personality, but this part felt rushed:
"Cut!" Occi screamed. "What is this? Don't fire on Stage Light until he's well and ready!
AJ spit out her popgun. "Beg pardon Mr. Leoneuccelli, but the script says he's supposed to turn around and fire before we even get outside. So far all he's done is drop his shooter or prissy himself up!"
"Hmph!" Occi replied. "And who's the director here?"
I found this both confusing and rushed in terms of character interaction. I think Applejack could've at least shown some of her skills during her stint in the movie, like she wanted to, and neither Braeburn nor Rainbow Dash even show up in the movie at all. Maybe I'm just nitpicking at this point, but the entire movie scene feels rushed. It's not terrible, but it does feel lacking.
The gunslinger parts feel far more underdeveloped, but before I get into that, I'd first like to talk about the positive side of it. As it is, it's a decent adventure with high-ish stakes at hand and tense moments. The gritty, venomous atmosphere is present, and it's quite strong. The humor is very much on point, and the characterization is actually amazing. The dialogue and body-actions are well-crafted, and if anything stands out in this story, it's the great characterization.
Where I think it's underdeveloped, though, falls solely on the character development, and it's unfortunately a big enough problem to bring the rest of the story down. His place in the conflict seems to be static; he's always the character that just wants to escape, and doesn't know what to do about his newfound sharpshooter skills. He doesn't seem to develop any feelings for either how own skills, or the tournament he's in. At the beginning, he thinks a quick-draw contest is amazing and fun; during the tournament, he just wants out. There's no exploration of his opinion, either witnessing a duel himself or his coming to enjoy it just as much as he had during the tournament. During the tournament itself, he doesn't seem to mature or even try to develop a plan of escape, nor does he seem to interact with anyone else other that the doctor and Twilight. All of this leads Spike to seem like a static character, even though he's put through a tough situation.
The tournament itself is rushed, with Spike constantly having to duel. There seems to be an unreasonably little amount off time between duels, almost like there are no matches between them. I don't recall Spike's feelings changing during these intervals, either. I think I was expecting a lot more worldbuilding, like the townsfolk interacting with Spike more, first as a pariah, and then as an almost-legendary character, and I think it would've been nice to have seen Spike interact with them more. Nothing's even done with Rover until they're out of the tournament, even though he's the champion of it. There's no rivalry or villainy with him, and that seemed like a missed opportunity.
The worldbuilding could've used some work as well, where Applenoosa could've reacted more to Spike's odd victories and blindingly fast skills. I think the last gripe I have about the character development is that there aren't any stakes established. This is a tournament fought with, well, cork-guns, or whatever they're called, but I don't recall there being any prize. Spike's just thrown in—by a simple mistake on his part—and besides his own "life" or safety, there's nothing at the end. What's there to fight for? Bragging rights? Money? Control over the city (which would be a nice plot point with Rover potentially terrorizing the village)? This may be meant to be a silly story about western duels, but I think that this makes the story a bit too underromanticized... if that makes sense. It removes a bit of the spectacle to this event, and it makes Spike just seem to do this out of the blue, without even the threat of being hurt or humiliated looming over him.
I just don't think Spike's character development, or the tournament's development made it come alive, but the story is a nice adventure for what it is, and it is really funny.
Finally, the technicals. I remember there being quite a few typos in the story, but none that I can recall happening consistently. The story does have a quick pacing, too quick at some parts, and the writing at times seems choppy, very eager to showcase a spectacular event or cutting thoughts short. It's not unbearable, it's not even that bad, but it does seem too quick for its own good.
Overall, I think The Lonesome Drake is a nice adventure that just moves far too quickly. It has excellent characterization, tense moments, nice action, and an outstanding sense of comedy. I shouldn't expect a novel out of this, with how short it is, but I do think the story's biggest problem is that it moved along way too quickly, leaving Spike without much development or the conflict itself much importance other than being a spectacle to behold; the prose also suffers from the quick pacing, and the movie shooting doesn't utilize its characters well. The last sentence hints at Spike having an appreciation for the western kind of fighting, but the story itself doesn't seem to get that across. Still, perhaps because it's so funny, perhaps because it has great characterization, and/or perhaps because I have a soft spot for western stories, I would recommend giving this one at least one read through.
Seven down, 23 to go. Bok, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
I enjoyed this story a lot when I read it, though it's definitely got a lot of flaws in the writing/pacing/editing departments. Still, I can forgive a lot for a story that gives me stuff like "The Orphanator," and this fic got me giggling more than a few times. I don't know that I'd call it a good story, all told, but it was definitely a fun story, and one I was glad to have read.
Incidentally, I like the whole "month of reviews" thing, and have been following along all week. Good work so far; one week down, three(ish) to go!
3528565 I agree that this was a very fun story to read. I've no idea what to expect with the upcoming stories, but I shall strive on. I hope that I continue delivering worthwhile content! Thank you for following these. It definitely means a lot.