For Those That Yearn for Adventure #14 (11/12)—Lab Matt's "A Rumble in Time" AND Not_A_Hat's · 7:25am Nov 13th, 2015
I was going to do each of these stories on a different day, but since I have a Pip story prepared for Friday, and a longer CMC story for Saturday, I decided to condense them into one review. Multiple page breaks will separate the two reviews, and they are ordered by word count.
I imagine that time travel is an odd thought for everyone. Imagine going back in time and seeing your mother and father as children, or your grandmother and grandfather as children, or witness the days of payphones. No matter how much we learn from history, it's a large feat to imagine oneself being placed in a time where what has become familiar is less familiar, younger, alien.
Or maybe that's just me.
This story deals briefly with a colt and a time travel scenario where he witnesses three ponies he's very familiar with in a completely different light. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
A Rumble In Time
by Lab Matt
Year Published: 2013
Tags: Adventure and Romance
Word Count: 4,511
Poor Rumble. All he wanted to do was to go to the library and do his homework. Instead he was sent back in time, ending up in the foalhood of his brother Thunderlane and his friends, Flitter and Cloudchaser. What surprised him most was the fact that they weren't like he knew them: Thunderlane was a weak flier, Flitter was violent and Cloudchaser was extremely shy.
What will Rumble find in the past? How will he alter it? Will he get the girl in the end—and again? Read this story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
Before I begin, I should indicate two things right off the bat: this is the author's first story, and English isn't the author's first language. I say this because technically speaking, it's a very rough story, and story-wise, it's not developed very well. I haven't taken a look at the author's other stories, but I'm posting that message because I'd rather this author not be dismissed immediately from this story, nor do I want to discourage the author from writing.
With that out of the way, this story has a lot of problems. The dialogue, for instance, doesn't read smoothly. There is a bit of personality to it on Flitter and Cloudchaser's part when they're young, and there's a hint of cockiness from Rumble that I found endearing to a small degree. I didn't get a lot of personality from a lot of other character's. Thunderlane, for instance, could've been anyone; I didn't get a lot of either cockiness or awkwardness from him, so I didn't know how to see his younger self; the trouble he has flying also comes through minimally. Cloudchaser herself was oddly accepting of Rumble at the end, and though I won't immediately dismiss the ending, the fact that she was so used to normal-Rumble and immediately falls in love with new-Rumble doesn't gel together well. The other characters have personalities that aren't vivid. I think that since this is Lab Matt's first story, he created dialogue for the characters without quite getting the voices or the situation down; the characterization is either bland to the point of just pushing along the conflict, or not vivid enough to invoke a personality.
The conflict itself is somewhat interesting, though a lot could be done with it. For what Rumble does for Thunderlane and Flitter, the two of them don't interact a whole lot, so no one has a proper character arc while dealing with their problems. Flitter doesn't overcome her anger, Thunderlane doesn't overcome his weakness, and Rumble doesn't overcome apparently being very weak.
"Well, you see..." he looked at his mother, that only nodded. "Mom said the doctor told her that Rumble is really weak and living in a big noisy city won't be good for his health! The doctor suggested my parents moving to a smaller town on the land, where is quiter and the air is fresher, what will be good for Rumble's health! And, well... Dad bought a house in a village called Ponyville and we're moving this weekend!"
I'll give Cloudchaser credit for overcoming her crippling shyness, though seeing some of that bullying may've helped the story come alive more. The story just doesn't focus on its conflict—Thunderlane and Flitter needing to hook up—long enough for it to be interesting. There's no intrigue, no obstacle (besides Thunderlane moving, but that doesn't receive a lot of focus). The bully that keeps Thunderlane away only shows up at the end, and doesn't pose much of a threat. This story lacks tension, and for that, it just hops from scene to scene, and it feels fragmented for it.
The worldbuilding receives very little attention, so I can't fault it for that, although it would've been interesting to see what young-like Ponyville, or even Cloudsdale looked like. I think I can fault it for not describing the latter city, since it's the first time Rumble's seen it.
I honestly can't think of anything else to say about it story-wise, and I feel like a failure of a reviewer because I can't talk more in-depth about the various elements of it. The last thing to talk about are the technicals, and unfortunately the story is almost unreadable. I can forgive the formatting for looking odd, but there's a barrage of exclamation marks that, admitted by the author, were used in place of periods. Thankfully this was fixed by the final chapter, but there are also tense changes. The prose isn't smooth, and although sentences aren't exactly illegible, they are awkward.
Overall, A Rumble in Time is just underdeveloped. The pieces are there to make a very interesting story, but it lacked a serious amount of development. Only one character had a decent story arc, and the rest lacked any sort of arc; the conflict is rushed and lacking in tension, and there are very few obstacles. The technicals alone would make me avoid recommending this, and that's a pain for me to say. This story needed tension between characters, and conflicts for them to overcome, and a livelier setting, and it would've been much better.
I don't want to just leave Lab Matt, though. I took a gander at one of his later stories, "The Mysterious Maiden Do Well," and it appears to be a vastly improved effort over this.
I struggle a lot when reading post-apocalyptic fanfics. It’s not that the subject matter disturbs me, or the topics are difficult to discern; I have a hard time getting invested in what’s going on, because it always seems so bleak. I don’t know why this is so, because logically a bleak problem should garner more attention and reaction from a person. I’m admitting a fault with myself, that I struggle getting into these sorts of stories.
This story is a post-apocalyptic story, one set during an overflow of chaos—admittedly, another thing I struggle to follow in stories. It’s up to two characters to attempt to fix everything and save Equestria—and perhaps the world’s—dwindling population. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
Broken Roads
by Not_A_Hat
Year Published: 2015
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 9,853
Dinky Doo and Silver Spoon travel through a shattered world. When all the world is ash around you, can you stand to build again?
[Not_A_Hat's] entry for the More Most Dangerous Game contest, written on the post-apocalypse prompt.
Wil Dinky and Silver Spoon succeed in figuring out how to fix Equestria? What will happen to them along the way? Read the story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
I haven’t talked about this yet in a review, but the first sentence—which, from my studies into literature, is very important—doesn’t quite fit.
I was asleep when reality started shaking itself apart.
This fits the situation and the tone, but not the history. She’d be used to reality breaking, right? So why put this as its own paragraph? This isn’t exactly new information, and I can’t figure out what’s so special about this one. I understand it’s introducing us to the situation, but since this is first person, and she’s already used to reality breaking, it doesn’t seem fitting here.
But maybe that’s just me being anally-retentive.
This story is an experiment in worldbuilding, and for what it’s worth, the worldbuilding really does show. A great deal goes into both the normal world of Redoubt and the chaos-ridden world. I believe that I followed what was going on most of the time (though the story’s concept of folds eluded me). It’s very vivid, and the tone it sets brings in the reviewer perfectly. The various landscapes being distorted, the homely places being unattainable, while the featureless rooms are safety, and the spartan Redoubt that’s getting some routine back were marvellous. The effects of the chaos world on Dinky were also really well told, and it uses sight, sound, taste and touch effectively. I don’t recall smell, but it could be there, and I merely forgot about it.
The setting itself is the conflict, and the fact that the ponies can only get supplies by going into the dangerous world is a great set-up. The story thankfully avoids easy solutions, and keeps the characters having to scramble and exert themselves. The struggle comes through a great deal, with sparse supplies and only the world to bog down on the characters.
The characters themselves are lively. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Discord play small roles, but the background and power they’re given, as well as the attitude they’re given, gives them a vividness that makes them nearly tangible. Maybe there’s a lack of description about them; I don’t remember physical appearance so much, and that may’ve been nice to know in this futuristic story where the characters are mature. Though the description of Discord and Celestia is unsettling.
The two protagonists, Dinky Doo and Silver Spoon, have some nice descriptions about them, but for main characters I think it could’ve stood for improvement. The body language is stand-out with them, giving off a desperate and fatigued mood. I got the feeling that Dinky was a responsible mare in this story, and I sorta got the apprehension Silver Spoon had, but I didn’t feel like I got much from either of them in terms of interaction with each other. I don’t get where they fit into the world they’re in; I just know that they’re the best of their kind. It would’ve been nice to look at their role in society, to know what responsibility Dinky actually felt she had. I also would’ve liked to know how Silver was regarded in society, since she’s known as a prissy spoiled filly in the show. I think that would’ve made their struggle through the chaos world more vivid, since we’d know how much pressure they have individually. I personally would’ve liked them to talk and banter more, as their dialogue doesn’t reveal much about the characters’ relationships.
The conflict has a great deal of both obstacles and grief. The origin is vague, but the remnants are consistently threatening to consume all of life into oblivion. The ending is ambiguous, but it’s handled in a realistic manner, one that is unique to post-apocalyptic stories like these. The pacing is slow and methodical, with the only threat being the un-understandable world around them. It handles the lack of beasts and villains very well.
Finally, the technicals. I can’t think of anything that stood out in terms of glaring or consistent errors. The story is slow, taking its time to deliberate on the matter at hand. It uses inner voice effectively at the end. That’s all I can really say about it.
Overall, Broken Roads is a story with an excellent world build within it. The characters have a vibrant maturity, the conflict is looming and crazy, and the worldbuilding is amazing. I only wish the two main characters has more characterization about the to establish the stakes more for the two. Still, though, I would recommend it for its worldbuilding and conflict, where the world is trying to destroy everything.
Twelve down, 18 to go. Lab Matt and Not_A_Hat, if you read this, the criticisms in these reviews are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you both for writing them, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
November 10th: The Lone Crusader by Cute Reality
November 11th: The Frozen West by Cozy Mark IV
