For Those That Year For Adventure #15 (11/13)—Invictus's "Pip"

After this review, I'm going to attempt to tackle longer stories for the rest of the month.

---

I'm a personal fan of the Flim Flam brothers. I see them less as swindlers and more as opportunistic, thrifty ponies just looking for a niche to be in. Although I think their mistreatment in Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 is unfair, I can at least see that the brothers have a flaw; doing whatever it takes to earn money. I think a redemption story featuring them would be quite interesting.

This story isn't exactly a redemption story; it's yet another opportunity for them to swindle innocent ponies. This innocent pony, however, is going through a life crisis. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is

Pip
by Invictus
Year Published: 2012
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 2,042
A bullied runaway foal, faced with a decision that could change his life forever, runs into a pair of helpful salesponies.

Together, they'll teach him that, like life, a name is only what you make of it.

What's so important about his name? What decision does he have to face? What is it he learns from this adventure? Read the story to find out!

Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.

Review Commences Now

The story relies mostly on dialogue, and boy howdy, does this story sell its dialogue. Flim and Flam's pitch to Pipsqueak is not only true to their exuberant character, but it's also got that salesman tantalization that guides the story along nicely. It's brisk, it's adulatory, and it's even catchy in an odd way. There's only a few things said, but the variety of things they cover, the banter between the brothers, and the pleasant tone of it all convey them like they're a team of lighthearted vagabonds who know how to cheer ponies up—which fits the setting perfectly.

Pip's own dialogue is sparse, and it fits the story as well. His own conflict—running away to Canterlot to make a name for himself—has a nice reason for it, and some justification behind it. I think what makes it work is that since he is but a foal, he doesn't realize that his identity is unavoidable, and that's what I think makes his goal so interesting, and Flim and Flam's role in it work so well. Me being a nitpicker, though, I do question why he's going to Canterlot and not back to Trottingham where he used to live. It's a small detail, because Canterlot is, like, the place to be in the show, but I would've liked to have known what he thought to do there.

Their interaction is mostly salesman-customer, but there is a subtle hint of something more, at the end.

“Kids these days,” Flim chuckled. “They never know how good they’ve got it. Good thing we’re around to send them home.”

Now, unless they're trying to weed out the competition to conquer Canterlot themselves (), this shows a good deal of humanity within the brothers, as if they're trying to actually help ponies avoid bad decisions. The giggling that Pip does helps bring the trio closer, almost like friends. What brings the relationship a lot further, in my own opinion, is when Pip defends his own height from them; the fluidity of it, and the fact that he doesn't always feel adulation from them, makes their odd relationship more than just salesman-customer.

My being a nitpicker, though, I would've liked to have seen some sort of gratitude from Pip, or even his taking pride in himself (like his accent; just saying it's not so bad seems a bit too restrained). They say that they give ponies opportunity when they're smart enough to grasp it, but nothing's done with that... perhaps because they didn't have anything.

There's not a lot of worldbuilding, which I suppose works for a story like this. I can imagine that if the story had scenery, it would perhaps be used to lend to both tone and discovery, and to create a feeling of the unknown to Pip. As it is the focus is on the characters, as it should. My being a nitpicker, I do question how Flim and Flam knew where to teleport Pip, and whether or not his just saying home actually works. I can assume that they saw where he jumped into the cart from, but it is an odd detail, perhaps a bit too rushed.

That's really all I can say about the story. It has a snappy, laid-back, simple tone to it that's very inviting, and Flim and Flam are energetic and entertaining, and the life lesson here is simple and delivered effectively. I think this is my favorite part:

Flam smiled and smacked one hoof into the other. “Of course! A nickname!”

“Wha-?” Pipsqueak tried to get a word in, but it was far too late.

“But what could it be?” Flim continued, starting to walk around the little colt. “Let’s see. He’s sharp. Asks good questions... like a detective, or a good guard captain.”

Flam joined his brother in the loop. “Hmmm... he’s lucky, too. Did you see the way he tumbled into the car, Flim? Like a pair of dice tossed by Con Mane himself!”

Pipsqueak turned in circles, trying to follow the two ponies who were inspecting him and quickly becoming dizzy again.

“Oh, I saw it! And maybe he’s small... but if there’s a colt with more potential than this little fellow on Celestia’s green earth, I haven’t seen him! Just like pop used to say, ‘a colt is like a good seed, give ‘em a little light and a little love and they can grow to be anything!’”

This story's downright entertainment, in my eyes.

Finally, the technicals. The story reads like a jaunt rather than a journey, and the majority of it relies on the dialogue, which is written with vivid voices. It's written so snappily, I can't think of anything I can criticize about the prose, apart from (you guessed it) nitpicks.

“Come on!” he grunted, sweating. (I'm not entirely a fan of this sentence structure, as the sweating part doesn't seem to fit the grunting as it's written)

I suppose "world-famous" should be one word as it's used in this story, since it's an adjective modifying them, and it's not. There's also this part that's not integrated perfectly within the story:

“Oh... ummm...” Pipsqueak waffled. Should he make something up? He’d always been utterly terrible at lying, though. “I... I ran away from home. I’m going to Canterlot to make a new life for myself!” he finally stated, summoning all of his confidence and puffing out his chest with pride.
...
“So, smartypants,” Flim continued, “what’s so scary that a brave, young colt like you has to run away from it?”

Could fear really be grasped from what Pip said? Wouldn't they assume he's more thrifty than scared? In fact, this may've been an interesting time to note what he was carrying, if anything, or what they had, if anything. But again, that's nitpicking.

Overall, Pip is a very, very pleasant adventure. The dialogue is amazing, the lesson is simple and striking, and the pacing and variety is really good. Most of what I had to criticize are me nitpicking, as I couldn't find anything that I'd point out as bad or wrong. It's a very short story, and I'd highly recommend it.

---

Thirteen down, 17 to go. Invictus, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.

NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge

November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
November 10th: The Lone Crusader by Cute Reality
November 11th: The Frozen West by Cozy Mark IV
November 12th: A Rumble In Time by Lab Matt AND Broken Roads by Not_A_Hat