For Those That Yearn For Adventure #24: cosmicbiscuit's "Fire Opals"

Battle armor is something that strengthens a soldier's chances for survival, but it's usually something that gets less focus than the soldier wearing it, or the weapon he or she is wielding. This could be because it takes a soldier's courage to commit daring feats, and skill for a weapon to be effective; whereas armor could be seen as a second layer of skin, something that takes no skill to wield. Although that to some extent is true, the creation and tempering of armor is something that is necessary for evolving matters of peril. For instance, policemen needed thicker armor to withstand gunshots, and we'll eventually need a thick set of armor with an SPF of 1,000,000,000+ if we're to survive the coronal burst that will make us extinct.

...Okay, maybe not that other part, but Princess Celestia certainly does here. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is

Fire Opals
by cosmicbiscuit
Year Published: 2016
Tags: Adventure and Drama
Word Count: 21,224
The heavens were never really something a pony had to think about. The Princesses moved the sun and moon and arranged the stars, and that was all that really mattered. But now a long dormant problem out in space has reared up to threaten the world and Princess Celestia calls on Rarity to help stop it.

Will Rarity be able to help Princess Celestia stop the incoming storm? Will Princess Celestia be able to handle the heat? Read the story to find out!

Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.

Commence Review Now

The first thing that needs to be said is that I did some research, and couldn't find anything special about opals, besides that they were once believed to bring good fortune.

To go back to the above introduction, Rarity is tasked with creating a set of armor, mainly out of opals and utilizing other materials, for Princess Celestia to don and save Equestria from a coronal burst. This concept is what Rarity calls "foci clothing," which is a concept I'm not at all familiar with, and I couldn't find much online. Perhaps it's because opals were revered for containing colors from other gemstones, and that would attract light, that it was used, but I can't rationalize why opals were specifically used.

They're cool and all that, and the story uses different kinds as well. I just can't relate why opals were specifically the ones chosen.

That was all worth noting because there's a great deal of detail that goes into making the armor! I learned about quite a few creatures (from researching them, after seeing their names within the story), such as the simurgh and the Chrysomallus and the Sarangay. Different parts of the armor are talked about with a nice amount of detail, even getting into metalworking at one point. What's even better about these sections is that they're nicely tied in with Rarity's part in this; she struggles at every part of it, and deals with the stress and twists that come her way.

Speaking of Rarity, she's portrayed with the determined focus we've come to know about her. The story goes above to provide signs of weariness to her being, as this isn't a constant stream of euphoria. Fatigue, frustration, physical sickness, loneliness and self-doubt all play a part in her adventure, and the story doesn't shirk away from making her work to finish her task. I will say that her struggling is a bit too brief, and that's almost entirely due to how fragmented the story itself is written—moment-to-moment, rather than scene-to-scene. It gives her a lot of unnecessarily easy.

But Rarity's weariness is nice, as is Celestia's. The princess's own fatigue provides a level of intimacy between her and Rarity. Worry and strain push these two together, both for rest and to give each other reassurance. There's also a nice side plot with Luna (directly) and Sweetie Belle (indirectly) that shows the two ponies might be closer than they realize. The character interaction is great between the two.

The other characters are also lively. Luna, Twilight and Discord all play important parts as well, though not detracting from Rarity or Celestia. They're characterized understandably, not being entirely accepting of what's going on, providing their own personal problems, and contributing something significant. They're also characterized very vividly, providing humor and empathy where they can. Even the OC's, Kibits and Toffee Chip, fit in with this lively mold. I can’t think of any character that was portrayed in a lackluster manner.

The story’s worldbuilding relies on exposition and brief glimpses. It deals with the state of the current world as compared to the world of the past, before Luna’s banishment. Different species are mentioned, including a Pantheon of Deer that influences aurorae. The majority of the story takes place within the workroom, with trips to the kitchen to stretch her legs. Everything’s described with a fitting amount of detail. The climactic scene at the end has a satisfying pop in terms of scenery, all throughout, even when the story moves to Canterlot City.

On top of all of that, there are moments where the story is funny—such as Luna being a not-very-good spy and the Order of Saturnus—and touching moments—such as the last chapter. The action is great to picture, the tender moments are sweet, and the celebrations are befitting what happens. And through the majority of it, there is a struggle to make sure every part of the armor that Rarity crafts has a purpose and a place. This is one of those rare stories where I can’t identify anything I’d cut from the final product; everything fits well together. There are even a plethora of references to mythology and astral concepts, so this story has a lot to offer.

The one thing I can’t say the story has, which really brings the story down, is tension. This mostly comes from breakneck pacing. Is there an effort to keep Luna in the dark about what’s happening, with her becoming more and more suspicious? Is there an effort to make sure Twilight doesn’t freak out about what’s happening? Does Discord become more and more nervous as the catastrophe approaches, while trying to keep a cool demeanor? No, all three of them make an appearance where any build-up would pay off. In other words, their surprise is immediate without any knowledge of what’s going on, and their anger feels jarring. It doesn’t feel like Rarity and Celestia have a chance to regret not telling them about it, but rather that they’re hopping into the story to be there. They’re characterized great, but they don’t have a chance to have any buildup to them.

Rarity and Celestia also barely have any struggle that would create tension. The story is fragmented in a way that makes each moment happen spontaneously: one piece is done, move on, deliberate on another piece, move on, et cetera. The transitions between the moments are too quick, or aren’t there at all, so it feels more like going through a play-by-play of what’s happening, rather than an incremental struggle to get this done. Rarity is constantly tired, but she is, for the most part, the same level of tired. She gets lonely, but she’s at the same level of loneliness throughout.

I think what I’m trying to get at is that the story feels too static. The armor does get completed piece by piece, but the characters hardly change in a way that shows how much they’re struggling. I feel that mounting stress, fatigue, homesickness and self-doubt would’ve made Rarity’s struggle a lot more weighty; Celestia hiding her fatigue with less success would’ve shown how much she’s struggling to keep everything in order. Luna and Twilight being suspicious, and either becoming more aware or more persistent in what’s going on would’ve made their entrance seem more necessary, and the protagonists’ guilt more plausible; Discord being more and more nervous would’ve made his part a lot more significant. Even those damn Order of Saturnus being at the beginning of the story instead of the ending would’ve made the setting a lot more vibrant.

As it is, though, it’s enjoyable enough, with a lot to offer. It just goes moment by moment, and feels less cohesive than it should.

But that’s just my opinion.

Anywho, the prose itself reads fine, with a bit too much run-on exposition and italics for its own good. It was nice to see small authorial quips within the text, and this story distinguishes laying and lying properly, which is a big plus. There are small typos here and there, such as a missing o in hieroglyphs, but nothing I could pick up that was consistent, and that the author needs to work on. I would suggest trying to make his sentences a bit more snappy (but not in the action sense), because that’s where he/she excels.

In conclusion, Fire Opals has a hell of a lot to offer for a story with less than 250 views, with great emotion, outstanding character interactions, smart action and a cornucopia of descriptions. It is packed to the brim with excitement, but it’s not very tight and flowing. For all of its good points, it’s too fragmented and not cohesive enough to make everypony’s struggle feel like it’s developing. For the author, I’ll suggest mounting up tension bit by bit in your next story, to make the problem seem like it’s having a greater effect in the story than what’s here. In the end, I will recommend this, because I left feeling happy, and thinking this was plain awesome.

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cosmicbiscuit, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your stories. I praise you for writing them, and wish you continued success in the future.

If You Yearn for More Adventure

#1: Fluttershy20’s “Last of the Dragonlords
#2: Toixstory’s “Freeze Frame”
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
November 10th: The Lone Crusader by Cute Reality
November 11th: The Frozen West by Cozy Mark IV
November 12th: A Rumble in Time by Lab Matt AND Broken Roads by Not_A_Hat
November 13th: Pip by Invictus
November 14th: Raiders of the Cutie Mark by DJLowrider
November 15th: The Ancient Heart of the Everwood Dragon by Grey Faerie
November 16th: The Motion of the Stars by Carabas
November 17th: Complaints Department by TheDarkStarCzar
November 18th: Height by PoweredByTea
November 19: Blue Steel Railway by writer
November 20th: device heretic's "And the Temptress Came Unto Her" and Glimmerglaze's "It's Also About Time"
#23: Imploding Colon’s “Austraeoh”