Let's Ship Some PONIES! · 5:12am Dec 25th, 2015
Below is a rejected Chapter 2 from my upcoming RomCom, Laurels and a Stand of Colors, where Twilight accepts an odd gift from Thunderlane only to find out that, under pegasus law, they are now married.
I decided to go a totally different direction with the fic, so since this Chapter 2 will never be used, enjoy!
Years after the fact, Twilight would maintain that her plan to deal with Thunderlane’s proposal was a good one, based on the best information she had at the time. It was simple and practical, and designed to minimize the amount of “stupid drama” she would have to deal with after that point. Step 1 was to contact the Foal Free Press and get them to issue a retraction. Step 2 was to find Thunderlane, and explain that she didn’t fully appreciate the significance of laurels in traditional pegasus culture, vis-a-vis, “Of course I’m not marrying you, you feather-brained lunatic. I barely know you!” Step 3 was to hide in her library and read about spackle until it all blew over.
“I’m sorry, but the Foal Free Press cannot issue a retraction at this time.” Things got off to a rough start.
“What do you mean ‘can’t’?” Twilight demanded, sharply tapping Featherweight’s desk with a hoof. Despite the obvious outrage on Twilight’s face, he held his ground calmly, sitting behind the little desk in the school basement and weathering her glare. “I told you, I’m not marrying him. I thought you learned your lesson about printing made up stories with the whole Gabby Gums thing!”
“This paper takes its journalistic integrity very seriously,” Featherweight replied, talking slowly and taking the time to carefully enunciate his words. “That’s the problem. We cannot issue a retraction on a claim where we have sub...sooobtaaan…”
“Substantive,” Diamond Tiara supplied, from her position just behind Featherweight’s left ear.
“Right.” He nodded firmly. “Issue a retraction on a claim where we have substantive material evidence suggesting it’s true.”
“What’s she doing here?” Twilight demanded. “Didn’t she get thrown out?”
“Oh, I’m not the editor anymore,” Diamond Tiara replied, with a sweet, sing-song voice. “But since I realized the error of my ways,” she gave it a lot of breath, “and made friends with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, they were nice enough to let me come back to the paper! Now I’m the Head of Revenue.”
“Wha-? But…” Twilight lifted a hoof to her forehead. “Why does a school paper even have a Head of Revenue!?”
“This isn’t a bank, Twilight,” Diamond Tiara sneered. “We distribute to ten cities and incorporated villages in the area and expect further expansion. You want a hit of that juicy gossip, then you gotta pay for it. I thought you were smart.”
“You know,” Scootaloo whispered to the other crusaders from their place in the corner, “It’s weird? But her being evil bothers me a lot less now that she’s on our side. It’s actually kind of cool.”
“This special edition’s outrageous profitability notwithstanding,” Featherweight cut in, “we can’t run a retraction on something we think is true.”
“But it’s not true!” Twilight’s wings spread a few inches from her side, and her voice rose. “I just told you I’m not marrying him!”
“So you say,” Diamond Tiara replied cooly, “but we have photographs to the contrary. Though I suppose the paper could run with, ‘Twilight Sparkle Denies Marriage Allegations.’ Oh, and a photo of her trying to fend off the camera! That would be an amazing cover story.”
“I am not going to fend off the-aaah!” Twilight lifted a hoof to her face, shielding her eyes from the flash as Featherweight abruptly pulled out his camera. “Stop that! And a photo of me putting on a silly golden hat does not make us engaged.”
“I’m sorry,” Featherweight replied, discreetly handing the camera off to one of the photography foals in the background, “But on that matter, I have to defer to the newspaper’s fact-checking board.”
“Huh?” Sweetie Belle asked, looking up sharply from her place in the corner. “Oh, right! That’s me!”
Quickly, she put on a pair of square, wire-frame glasses that rested on the edge of her nose, and pulled out a well worn book from the school library. “And, yes! The pegasus tradition of tría dóra, or ‘the three gifts’ is a well established custom going back to 445 BE. In the contemporary version, the suitor has to give his bride to be three symbolic items, representing wealth, honor, and nobility. The mare signals her acceptance by letting him hang the symbol of his house over her door, and accepting the honorific in view of at least five witnesses.”
She cleared her throat, and adjusted her glasses: “In some of the more conservative Cloudsdale courts,” she added archly, “it is considered legally binding.”
“Sweetie Belle?” Twilight asked, staring into the corner. Her mouth hung open a few degrees. “Since… I mean… what? Since when do you know that?”
“If you wear glasses and memorize encyclopedia entries, ponies think you’re smart!” she replied, cheerfully. “And if you add a little emphasis, like, ‘is considered’ and look down over your glasses they don’t even realize you’re just reading out of the book.”
“But it only works if you’re a unicorn,” Apple Bloom clarified. “Earth ponies with glasses just look like they have vision problems. Stupid magocracy.”
“Preach it!” Scootaloo threw both forehooves into the air, her buzzing little wings supporting her body.
“O...okay.” Twilight’s eyes were wide and dazed as she turned back to Featherweight, and she needed a moment to clear her head. “Okay, sure,” she managed. “I accepted a marriage proposal. But I’m calling off the wedding now. Can’t you run, ‘Twilight Sparkle Cancels Engagement’?”
“Certainly,” Featherweight agreed. “Just as soon as I have evidence it’s actually been canceled. But right now, several newspaper agents and a high-placed government source all indicate that wedding planning is still ongoing.”
“Wha-!” Twilight stammered. “What high-placed source? What agents? You’re a school paper!”
Apple Bloom lifted a hoof. “Pipsqueak heard that Rose and Lilly were doing the flower arrangements,” she said, quickly adding, “And Iron Sides older sister Rose Water has this unicorn friend named Dot Dash whose special talent is communication so she was all like BEEP BEEP BEEP and that lets her talk to ponies in the Crystal Empire and one of them totally heard from her friend who’s a servant at the palace that Princess Cadence is going to officiate the ceremony.”
“You… what?” Twilight stumbled back. “You can’t print that Princess Cadence is going to officiate a ceremony that doesn’t exist! And… no. No way. I’m not letting this happen.” Twilight turned on a dime, looking around the schoolhouse until she spotted Cherilee. “Cherilee, you can’t let your students print this. They’re going to cause an international incident!”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Twilight!” Cheerilee said, with a friendly smile. “What kind of lesson would we be teaching them if I told them that? Newspapers don’t exist to serve the wishes of the government or the Friendship-Industrial complex. As long as my students show good journalistic integrity and check their facts before they print, I’m happy to let the truth win out.”
“Is everypony in this town other than me crazy!?” Twilight demanded, letting out a sharp snarl. “I’m a Princess you know, and this is important! I could just order you to run a retraction.”
“You certainly could!” Cherilee agreed, still with the same cheerful tone. Without breaking her smile, she looked Twilight in the eye and asked: “Think you can take me, facist?”
A long pause hung in the air between the two. Twilight’s wings tucked back in against her side. “Because,” Cherilee continued, never breaking her cheerful tone, “if you do think that, we can go. I’ll string you up with your own saddle straps just like they did in ‘Neigh. I didn’t go into that jungle so I could watch my little foals get brainwashed.”
“I uh... “ Twilight swallowed. “I didn’t know you were in the war.”
“A part of you never really leaves!” Piped up Sweetie Belle, raising a hoof.
“That’s right!” Cherilee replied, happily trotting over that way. “A gold star for Sweetie Belle! But remember, put it inside your saddle bag where the snipers won’t see it.”
“I’ll uh…” Twilight coughed weakly. “I’ll just go get Thunderlane to confirm we’re calling the whole thing off, shall I?”
“That might be best,” Cherilee agreed.
“Twilight! I just got the news, that’s wonderful.” A pegasus called to Twilight in passing. Twilight didn’t know her. “You must be so happy!”
“Ecstatic,” Twilight growled, without slowing her flight.
“Looking good, Princess!” Shouted an earth pony from the ground. She vaguely recalled his name was Silverhoof or Silverlay or something.
“Oh yeah. Gorgeous,” Twilight agreed, putting on a little extra turn of speed towards Thunderlane’s house.
“Twilight! I just heard.” This time it was Cloudkicker, one of the ponies from the weather team. “Congratulations. Thought about the ceremony yet? I sure hope you’re having it in Ponyville.”
“I was thinking about Tartarus, actually,” she growled, leaving Cloudkicker behind to worry about her travel arrangements.
“Heeeey, if it isn’t the blushing bride!” Rosejar. One of the pegasi who helped tend the weather for the most delicate flowers. She came up alongside Twilight, keeping pace as they flew towards Thunderlane’s house. “Secret’s out, huh? You must be beside yourself.”
“I don't know, Rosejar,” Twilight snapped, shooting a glare her way. “Must I be? Is that a thing that must be the case?”
“Um…” Rosejar faltered, falling a step behind and hesitantly raising a hoof. “I mean, I thought… the wedding? With you and Thunderlane being lovers and all. I’d heard about the big news and—”
“Did you?” Twilight asked, with a far too intense stare. “Did you really? Because you know, there was this other big event in my life awhile ago. My coronation. Remember that? Because nobody else seems to! Mare becomes a princess and she can’t get a cab, but ooh, now she’s getting married. That’s a big deal is it!?”
“Yes! I mean, no! I mean…” She shrunk back away from Twilight, flying a few feet further to the side. “I was just going to offer to do the flowers for your wedding! As a gift, I mean. For all those times you saved the town.”
“I don’t know, Rose!” Twilight snorted, and her glare only intensified. “I’m not having great luck with gifts today. If I accept your flowers does that make you my new girlfriend? Because I don’t swing that way and breaking the news to my parents would be awkward.”
“You know,” Rosejar said quickly and quietly. “I can see that wedding stress has gotten to you. I’m just going to… go. Let you sort that out. Yes.”
“It’s not wedding stress!” Twilight bellowed at the top of her lungs. “Because there is no wedding. You understand? None! In fact, by royal decree, the next pony to congratulate me on my un-wedding is getting drafted and sent to Vietneigh! Because apparently that’s a thing!”
“But-” Rosejar stammered. “The war has been over for years!”
“Did I say I was sending you to the war!?” Twilight shouted. “No, I didn’t. I’ll draft you and send you to Hanoneigh. It’s lovely this time of year! The local culture has really recovered after the conflict! They have several notable art and science programs I once considered attending!”
“Ooohkay, bridezilla,” a new voice cut in. Rosejar took the opportunity to flee, bolting off into the distance. “Why don’t you cool your jets a bit before ponies start worrying you’re Queen Chrysalis in disguise again?”
“Well why don’t you—” Twilight whirled in place, fixing this new intruder with a furious snarl. But she stopped when she saw who it was that hovered nearby, and her expression quickly moderated. “Oh, it’s you, Rainbow Dash. You would not believe the sort of day I’ve had.”
“I might have a suspicion,” she offered, with a knowing smile. “Seriously, where does the Foal Free Press even get this stuff? Princess denies marriage allegations? You and Thunderlane as secret lovers? You barely know Thunderlane.”
“Oh, thank goodness.” Twilight slumped her shoulders, letting out a massive breath as the wear showed on her face. “Rainbow Dash. You’re the first non-crazy pony I’ve met today. And I really need your help. Everypony in this town is nuts and I need to find Thunderlane and put a stop to all this before it gets totally out of control.”
“Heh, sure thing, Twi. I’m there for you.” Rainbow extended a hoof, and after a moment, Twilight extended hers. Their hooves clapped together, and Rainbow smiled. “See?” Twilight even smiled back, a little. “Now, let’s go find him and sort all this stuff out.”
“Ugh. Thank you.” Twilight turned in place and resumed her course towards Thunderlane’s house. “This has all been nuts. Worse because it actually started really sweet, in an intense way? He actually pulled strings at the Royal Mint to get those coins I hated recast with this much better design, and then he gave this big speech about laurels from his grandfather and how he was honored just to know me.”
“Yeah, that’s Thunderlane alright,” Rainbow agreed, with a nod. “He knows how to bring the class. Nice guy, too. You didn’t do half-bad.”
“What do you mean, ‘Didn’t do half-bad’?” Twilight asked, looking back Rainbow’s way. “It’s not like I’m marrying him.”
“Wait, what?” Rainbow lifted an eyebrow. “But you did the ceremony and everything!”
“Oh my…” Twilight lifted a hoof to her face. “Rainbow, you just admitted that I barely know him!”
“So?” Rainbow asked. “I barely knew my husband when we got married.”
Twilight considered this for several moments.
“No.” She finally said. “No. This isn’t happening. Clearly, this is all too absurd to be real. I’m going to shut my eyes, and wait for it to pass, and then I’m going to wake up in bed and—”
It was at that point that she smacked face-first into the side of Thunderlane’s house.
Merry Christmas to me, ladies and gentlemen!
:D
3641471
Oh, hey. Some of it was actually up on time! That's a first.
Best Cheerilee ever.
Also, I'm really curious about who Dash is married to.
Nice little read you got here
Glorious. :D
And this is one way to cause a Nightmare incident, fillies and colts.
The best part of this is how reasonable everypony is about being unreasonable. If that makes any sense?
Oh my god, this is the rejected part? Just knowing this fic will exist is the best christmas present ever.
This is great.
3641511 Time Turner, obviously.
Even if this part will not be used, this is golden!
I can hardly wait.
All of my favorite fics include Cheerilee calling Twilight a fascist.
I'm sure the actual story will be quite good, but I'm sad we won't get to read this version. Because this was hilarious.
Oh, bloody hell! I am so deleting the notes on my own Thunderlane x Twilight ship-fic right now. If this is the rejected bit, the final story is going to be a masterpiece. Ugh, the drivel I was working on isn't worth finishing at this point compared to this! I'm really looking forward to your final story, but for now, I'm just going to go sulk in the corner for a while. Sigh.
*delete* *delete* *delete*
Is there going to be a Traditional Pegasus Courtship Dance involved?