Read It Now Reviews #25 – True Love Never Lies, A Final Farewell on a Moonlit Evening, Ice Crystals, Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight, The Second Tiara · 12:13am Mar 15th, 2015
Inspired by HoofBitingActionOverload posting a new story today, I pushed out another set of reviews. Which of new stories on FIMFiction most deserve your eyes?
Let the dragon tell you!
The stories I read today:
True Love Never Lies by Admiral Biscuit
A Final Farewell on a Moonlit Evening by HoofBitingActionOverload
Ice Crystals by The DJ Rainbow Dash
Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight by Pascoite
The Second Tiara by Fervidor
True Love Never Lies
by Admiral Biscuit
Romance, Comedy, RandomPinkie has feeling for Applejack, or maybe she doesn't. And Applejack has feelings back, probably. But how can two ponies figure it out without risking their friendship? A strange scene on the farm, followed by a frank discussion at Sugarcube Corner provides the catalyst for them to explore their feelings before committing themselves one way or another.
Why I added it: It was based on Bad Horse’s story prompt.
Review
So, a while ago I reviewed a story which made use of Bad Horse’s story prompt about Pinkie Pie turning Applejack’s barn upside down.
This is, in essence, a bunch of endings to that story – a bunch of ways that the scene might have continued, possibly being reset in time by Pinkie Pie’s cookies as the conversation doesn’t go the right way – or possibly simply being a series of possible conversations that Pinkie Pie imagines might happen, with the final one being real.
It is a very strange story – or maybe, number of stories? – but it amused me and made me smile.
Recommendation: Worth Reading
A Final Farewell on a Moonlit Evening
by HoofBitingActionOverload
RandomRarity wakes one night find that her mane has detached itself from her head and packed its bags. Her mane tells her that it is leaving to pursue new ambitions, alone, without her. Their time together is at an end, it tells her, but the blissfully sweet years they shared will never be forgotten. Before it says its final farewell, they make love together one last time under a moonlit starry sky.
Why I added it: HoofBitingActionOverload is a good writer.
Review
“I can’t, Rarity, I just can’t anymore,” her mane said, turning away from her, its voice heavy with sadness, a sadness so passionate and saturated with emotion that it rumbled off every hair follicle and through the air and physically shook the bedroom and then passed through the walls of Carousel Boutique to the outside air and into the wind and dissipated across the land. At that moment, sobs seized the chests of the brokenhearted all across Equestria, sudden and seemingly divine inspiration for shoddy prosody and maudlin despair struck hack poets everywhere, and some even claimed to see the moon itself shed a solitary, mournful tear that fell to the earth in the form of a monstrous boulder that crushed a crippled, friendless filly as she lay in bed on the first night of her summer vacation from school, overwhelmed with joy at the prospect of three months free from failed tests and peer harassment. She died the way she lived, her classmates said. Stupidly and without the use of her legs.
This is one of those stories that grabs the random tag and just takes off running with it. Rarity’s mane, it seems, is tired of being Rarity’s mane, and is off to make its own way in the world, despite the love it and Rarity shares – the only kind of love that an itchy bunch of hair and a beautiful mare can share. But Rarity cannot simply let her love leave her like this so easily, can she?
If the quoted section caught your interest, you will probably like this. If that quoted section seemed dumb to you, then you’ll hate this. It revels in being silly, and it made me laugh throughout.
Recommendation: Recommended if you like silly nonsense.
Ice Crystals
by The DJ Rainbow Dash
Romance, AdventureIn a small hiccup of insensitivity, Rarity finds out a secret Rainbow Dash hid from everypony she knew, and does so in a way she regrets.
To fix her mistake involves a trade, a fear for a fear.
Rainbow Dash decides to tackle one of these by taking her to a place where few ponies ever go.
To get to that place, they're going to go up.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
Rarity makes a dress for Rainbow Dash, but accidentally wounds her pride in the process, and needs to make it up to her.
I have to admit, I gave up reading this after the first chapter. I don’t really know where the story was heading, but I couldn’t bring myself to keep reading because of the actual writing of the story. This story suffers from really big problems with its prose. It is not illegible, but the prose is consistently awkward, almost to the point of being painful to read. It made me uncomfortable as I went through the story, as almost every bit of prose in the story felt off, like looking at the world through a distorted lens. Eventually, I gave up after 2,500 words, as whatever story was lurking under the text was just too much work to tease out.
Rarity turned around and faced the stairs. Insignificant as they usually were, now they were an obstacle, one she wished to run away from. Each step was unnerving. Slower and slower she went till Rarity felt like she barely moved at all. She looked behind her for a moment, seeing the torn up pieces of fabric in the corner of her eyes, and continued down. That room was too painful to be in right now.
Gravity was the final say as she finally set foot on the ground level of her home.The space never had felt so dark and unwelcoming.
Shadows lurked throughout the room, as the moon’s soft glow shone through the windows. Many of them danced with each other, like a ballet. Rarity soon found herself transfixed, but shook it away to focus on the task at hoof. This task was a shadow in particular that shifted upwards, before lying back down with a soft disappointing sigh.
“Rainbow Dash..?”
It came out of her so quietly, and made Fluttershy’s normal voice resemble that of a megaphone. Rarity cursed inwardly, and blew out a sigh of her own, gentle enough where it wouldn't be noticed.
“Rainbow Dash?”
Rarity received silence, but this was momentarily interrupted by a sniffle. She cautiously tip-toed towards the living room and spotted the mare in question, who sat alone on her sofa, one of her lamps dialed down to its lowest setting. The light was barely bright enough for the unicorn to make out anything but a patch of cyan fur and multicolored hair.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight
by Pascoite
Gore, Sad, DarkPinkie has a secret. So far, she's kept it from everyone, but Twilight can tell that something's wrong with her. So she offers what vague support she can… until Pinkie takes her into the basement to show her.
Why I added it: Pascoite is a good writer, and it got 4th place in the More Most Dangerous Game contest.
Review
I wasn’t really quite sure what to expect going into this story.
Here, we have Pinkie struggling with mental illness – dreams and hallucinations of her hurting her friends, and Twilight trying to help Pinkie cope with them and deal with reality properly. Pinkie Pie in this story is pretty messed-up, but she’s scared that if she tells anyone about what is bothering her, that everyone will hate her.
The story starts off a little bit awkwardly, with the first couple paragraphs having a somewhat jerky point of view, as it goes from Twilight coming in to having the camera focus on Pinkie Pie, with a lot of sentences which felt a little weird, like they weren’t entirely sure whose point of view they were supposed to be coming from. After a while, though, the story settles down into a more standard close third person point of view in each section, as we alternate between seeing what Twilight sees and what Pinkie Pie sees in her terrible visions. The voicing of the characters was fairly good, though there weren’t any really stand-out lines of dialogue that really stuck with me.
I’m not terribly enamored with this story, but it wasn’t really because of the writing so much as it was the premise. The central dilemma felt like a contrivance rather than a natural part of the world – like the writer had just made something happen so he could write a story about it, rather than like something which would naturally occur as an outgrowth of Pinkie Pie’s character or actions. Consequently, I just could never buy into Pinkie Pie’s problem, and it lead me to feel detached from the story as a whole. Likewise, the titular line, “Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight,” felt kind of strange in the story. The story seemed to try and assign some significance to it as well, but it just didn’t feel very significant to me.
All in all, it was not bad, but I didn’t enjoy reading it or ever really engage with it, and didn’t really feel like I walked away with anything when I’d finished reading it.
Recommendation: Not Recommended
The Second Tiara
by Fervidor
Tragedy, Comedy, AdventureThere once was a little filly named Diamond Tiara. This is the story of how she died.
...No, that's not quite right. For there was in fact another filly by the same name. Another Diamond Tiara, who lived. She was the second one. It's confusing, I know, but I promise it will all make sense in the end.
It all started on a perfectly ordinary day in Ponyville, when Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends were trying to stop an insane magic-powered golem from destroying the entire town.
This is the story of two little fillies named Diamond Tiara. The one who died, and the one who lived.
Takes place during season 4, shortly after Twilight Time.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
The mane six struggle to save the town from a burrowing crystal golem, while the Cutie Mark Crusaders just want to have Twilight Time and avoid any more attention from Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
I think my favorite part of the story was in the marketplace towards the beginning of the story, where Filthy Rich talks to Big Mac and Zecora, and the mane six, tunneling beneath town to try and stop the golem, come up in the wrong place and very awkwardly (and hilariously) lie about how there isn’t a horrible threat on its way to destroy Ponyville.
The prose in this is often very mediocre. The story as a whole starts out with a weather report, and the story also features some very telly bits, and struggles with an excess of weak saidisms:
All of a sudden, a mysterious tremor shook the ground – a subtle but noticeable vibration that sent a shiver through the entire town, like an ominous portent of things to come. It only lasted for a few brief seconds and then it was gone as if nothing had happened. The three fillies looked at each other in surprise and confusion.
"What was that?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"No idea," Scootaloo said. "It didn't feel like an explosion. An earthquake, I guess?"
"That's weird." Apple Bloom frowned and scraped the ground slightly with her hoof. "We ain't supposed to get quakes in this part of Equestria."
"Well, whatever it was, it didn't last long," Scootaloo concluded. "Let's just get to the library. Maybe Twilight can tell us what it was."
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom made no objections and the trio continued on their way. They soon reached the enormous tree that housed the town library and served as the home of Princess Twilight Sparkle. They had almost made it to the door when it opened and Spike appeared pulling a cart packed with various items – books, scrolls, vials and bottles filled with colorful potions, plus several strange trinkets and devices the Crusaders didn't even recognize. The dragon seemed somewhat preoccupied with his burden and didn't notice them at first.
"Howdy, Spike!" Apple Bloom greeted.
"Um, hello?" the dragon replied, looking at the three fillies as if trying to remember if he'd seen them before. "Can I help you? If you're selling something, this really isn't a good time."
"Spike, it's us," Scootaloo said, raising her sunglasses from her eyes and giving him a look of mild disbelief. "We're here for Twilight Time?"
"Oh." Spike scratched the back of his head, looking a bit embarrassed. "Ahaha, yeah, I... I knew that."
I also noticed a fair number of distracting typos, either in the form of words missing letters (non instead of none) or in the form of incorrect words being used (“It was becoming clear to Diamond that she really weren’t supposed to be in the library that day.”)
However, really, the main problem with the story is that it… well, doesn’t really go anywhere. Diamond Tiara dies horribly, and then is saved via a deus ex machina in the form of random unforeshadowed Zebra magic, but… that’s really all there is in terms of the actual plot. It all feels kind of pointless as a result, as the ending feels kind of disconnected from the rest of the story, and there’s not really any coherent sort of theme. It just kind of happens, and the only part of the story that I really liked was the funny scene in the market place – on the whole, it isn’t really much of a comedy, so much as something which contains some comedy.
Recommendation: Not Recommended
Summary
True Love Never Lies by Admiral Biscuit
Worth Reading
A Final Farewell on a Moonlit Evening by HoofBitingActionOverload
Recommended
Ice Crystals by The DJ Rainbow Dash
Not Recommended
Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight by Pascoite
Not Recommended
The Second Tiara by Fervidor
Not Recommended
And there we go! If these five stories weren’t enough for you, there’s one more, this time from me:
Lunch
by The Titanium Dragon
ComedySick of eating the same thing for lunch every day at school, the Cutie Mark Crusaders decide to sneak into Sugarcube Corner to try and get something better.
Number of stories still listed as "Read It Later - Recommended": 264
Number of stories listed as “Read It Later”: 1543.
I'd just added Ice Crystals to my RIL, but I'll take your non-recommendation on it. :B DJRD needs to work on his structural stuff.
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TD: Reading stories so you don't have to!
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Do you two have any advice on how to improve my structure? I'll admit that its never been my strength in the past.
Thanks! If someone other than me laughs, I call that a success.
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I can't speak on any of your other fics, but I don't think this story had many problems with structure. I thought the structure was one of its strengths (except the overlong cloud sequence). The problems I saw were with clunky prose. I think Titanium Dragon is being a bit hyperbolic calling it unreadable, but it is rough. I'd suggest finding an author whose prose you really enjoy, and copy down a big chunk of that, then comparing your own prose side by side with that. Figure out what they're doing that makes their prose good, and see where you can do the same. Figure out the differences between yours and theirs. Make your text look as similarly as possible to that text. I've found that straight emulation is one of the best possible ways to improve the technical and styles sides of writing.
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Sorry for not responding earlier, but I agree with my esteemed colleague: try and figure out what someone whose prose you like is doing, and emulate it. Heck, do it with multiple different people at different points in time. It isn't the macro structure of your story; the problem lies in the construction of each individual sentence. The paragraphs all contain the right information, but your sentences are just not right. It wasn't that I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, it was that the way you said it set me on edge.
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Huh, funny thing in mentioning that. One of the stories I did, Colorless, used nearly identical sentence structure to the story I was making it a tribute to,Wonderbolt by Wovenword. And it ended up being probably my most critically acclaimed story I've ever written.
I never did consider just emulating someone else's prose. I guess I wanted to write a story completely from my own head, rather than use other stories, because I feel like it would take the originality of my own writing (even though my story may not be an original concept or idea). But I suppose emulation isn't really doing that, so I guess I could give it a shot.
Fair enough. I was actually wondering when someone would point out that I used a pretty blatant deus ex machina. And I do kinda sorta agree with you on the prose. I simply don't try very hard when it comes to fanfiction, really.
Oh well. I'm sure you'll love my next one.
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Apparently the answer was "When TD brought his little rain cloud over."
Hopefully!
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Imitation really can be a great teaching tool, so long as you're aware of the what, why and how of what the other author is doing. And, well, pick your examples well. :)
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Right. You want to try and imitate someone good, or with a writing style which will teach you a lot.
I still need to finish Mistitled, which is a stylistic imitation of Ghost of Heraclitus/Horizon's "18th Brewmare" and similar footnote comedies. Because, well, I like the style and learning a new writing style is fun.
I did the same when I wrote Falling Rocks, as that was a deliberate imitation of the style of Native American mythology.
And of course, The Collected Poems of Maud Pie were written by Maud Pie, who is a very prolific poet. :V
What in the first half-scene didn't sound like it was in Twilight's perspective? It was very deliberately set there. None of the narration says things she couldn't know or interpret, and none of it communicates anyone else's internal perceptions.
What about the premise was contrived? And that's not really the right word—a contrivance would more be a story element that conveniently and unrealistically supported the premise, but not the premise itself, which you can just flat-out buy into or not. And if you can't believe that Pinkie could have a dream so disturbing that it occupies her thoughts for a long time afterward, then... I guess there's nothing for it. I have no such trouble believing that. Some people just can't bring themselves to accept that shipping can occur in Equestria either, and that pretty much stops all useful discussion on the matter.
What was the issue with Pinkie singing Happy Birthday? The story doesn't try to assign some importance to it. It explicitly says what that means—that Pinkie's trying to distract herself from some mental image she can't shake at the moment. She told Twilight that in very plain language, and now Twilight knows when she hears it that Pinkie's hitting a rough spot.
2898907 guess we'll never know.
4272322 Experience has taught me not to be surprised by this.
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Glancing back at the story, I think this was the bit from the first scene that felt a bit off to me:
As for contrivance - the story basically hinged around Pinkie Pie having disturbing hallucinations/daydreams, but it just kind of felt arbitrary to me. I never could really buy into it.
And as far as "it's like shipping" - well, there are shipfics where the shipping does feel very arbitrary and it is basically very hard to buy into it. ChuckFinley referred to it as "alien brain worms" and it is a problem in many shipfics, where it is just "Character A likes character B" and we don't get anything else really, it is just superficial.
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These are all things Twilight could easily know and attitudes she could have, and since she's held the perspective to that point, the tendency is going to be to assume she still does. I don't see why this passage necessarily shifts into Pinkie's POV.
And you can't see how subjective that is? You can't point out any reason why there's anything wrong here. You can only say you didn't buy into it. Well, I don't like sci-fi MLP stories. Does that make them inherently bad in any way? Of course not. I don't confuse personal taste with quality. I don't even see how you could think it's an untenable premise. This happens in real life to all different kinds of people. They have bad dreams that stick with them because they can't shake the imagery. If "this actually happens to actual people" isn't enough to prove it as a viable premise, then I don't know what will. The show even does this. On multiple occasions, characters have been troubled in the waking world by dreams, even chronic ones ("Sleepless in Ponyville," "Bloom & Gloom," "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils," "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?"). It should be the kind of thing that's a given, just as much as "Twilight goes to the market" would be—it's enough in the realm of the ordinary that it doesn't need to build up credibility.
This is at best tangentially relevant. What I was saying is that some people just can't buy into a particular shipping pair, period. That's personal taste and has no bearing on whether it's a good story, same as not being able to buy into a premise that's demonstrably realistic. In any case, the equivalent to shipping would be if I said Pinkie was depressed about this, but she never acted that way or related how she got to be that way. There's the full explanation of what caused Pinkie's depression (akin to showing why a shipping pair has reason to care about each other instead of just taking the narrator's word for it), and she constantly demonstrates her feelings through Twilight's observation of her and the tone of her own limited narration (akin to having the couple actually behave like they're in love instead of just being infatuated).
I don't see anything concrete here, certainly not of the type that is supposed to justify a TRG rejection, with references made to items in the omnibus. And never mind the fact that a panel of respected writers voted it 4th place out of a large field. Sure, even good judges can come up with curious results here and there, depending on who's voting or the occasional anomaly, so I followed up. Burraku_Pansa's been my sounding board over which rejections are worth arguing, and he was stunned at this one. He's talked me out of appealing rejections before, since he agreed with them, and he's also encouraged me to appeal them when he felt they were unwarranted. The one I followed through on did get overturned. In fact, he and GaPJaxie (whom Cold in Gardez calls a better author than he is, and he thinks this is my best story, though I'd disagree on that) put it #1 on their ballots. I would have protested this rejection long ago, except I don't know what good it'd actually do now, since TRG seems to have died.