Badfic Slaughterhouse #14 · 4:16am Oct 15th, 2014
Welcome, once again, to the Badfic Slaughterhouse, where I sift through stories both good and bad, recommend the best for your reading pleasure, and throw the worst of them into a grinder for your twisted amusement.
As will soon be apparent, this isn’t the Oneshotober post I was teasing/threatening in my last batch of reviews. The idea is not forgotten, though. It will probably happen at the end of the month, when I have a larger pool to pick from.
So, what to do in the meantime, eh? Well, I’ve had a couple of ideas, and you can find those at the bottom. Let me know what you think.
Tags: Sad, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen
Length: 4,743 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Sweetie Belle is revealed to be a robot.
Review: A little background may be in order here. I have absolutely no experience with Sweetie Bot stuff. I’m dimly aware that it’s a thing, and I’ve seen a few pictures, but that’s it. When I read this story, I had nothing to compare it to and no context to draw from. If you’re more familiar with Sweetie Bot than me, you may have a completely different experience.
I really wanted to start off by talking about something this story did right, but I can’t think of any area—aside from the author’s grammar—where it was above average. I guess I could say it has some effective lines in the prose, and some of them are genuinely good, but taken as a whole, it just isn’t very impressive.
The problems start with the telling, which is thick and heavy enough to snuff out a forest fire. It also has a significant case of LUS. However, those concerns pale in comparison to the narrative structure.
The setup is that Sweetie’s hoof is crushed under a heavy object, and the damage reveals to her and Rarity that she’s actually a robot. From there, two conflicts are introduced. The first is the psychological conflict, in which Sweetie and Rarity try to understand what’s going on and come to terms with it. The second is repairing the damage.
Unfortunately, the first (and more important) conflict is downplayed in favor of the second and remains largely unresolved at the end. The second conflict is conveniently resolved out of nowhere via Pinkie ex Machina.
Verdict: This felt like it could have been an interesting premise if it was explored with the proper weight. For all I know, the sequel may do that, but this story doesn’t deliver. If you like Sweetie Bot stuff or want to be introduced to it, you might want to have a look, but it’s probably better to regard this as the first chapter of a story and continue into the sequel.
Princess Luna Visits a Wet Dream, by Late_To_The_Party
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen
Length: 4,670 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Luna peeks into a wet dream and overhears something that could embarrass Celestia, so she goes off in search of the dreamer.
Review: I stumbled across this while organizing my new bookshelves, and since it looked like it had a lot of comedic potential, I took a few minutes to check it out. I’m glad that’s all I had to invest in it.
It’s not that this is a bad story. Sure, it has some of the usual faults you see in amateur writing, such as an over-reliance on telling what characters are feeling and simple sentence structures that can get repetitive. On the whole, however, it’s solid, and aside from a few minor goofs, the grammar is impeccable.
In terms of content, it does lay out a conflict, and it sees that conflict through to its resolution. The ponies involved are a bit out of character—easily forgiven in a comedy as long as they’re not pushed too far—but their interactions are are focused without being overly plot-centric, which keeps the story moving at a brisk pace.
The problem I had is that it just isn’t very funny. One scene in particular (in which it is implied that Celestia is about to banish Luna to the moon again) tries to build up a joke, but the characterization veers too far, and the payoff is too weak. The story meanders through too many of Luna’s attempts to make progress in her investigation with no success, which bogs it down. At the end, it just sort of fizzles out, and there’s no real payoff.
Verdict: As a comedy, this isn’t very good. It has a lot more merit as a slice of life story, though, so if you disregard the comedy tag and read it that way, it’ll probably be a lot better. Not great, but perhaps worth your time, especially if you’re a Luna fan.
Discord takes Equestria, by Twilights Paladin
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure
Rating: Everyone
Length: 1,033 words (Status: Incomplete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Discord gets bored and starts causing chaos.
Review: An unknown author tries his hand at a Discord fic, eh? And it has a 5-0 rating at the time of my reading. I guess I’ll give this a shot. Unfortunately, it’s only the first thousand words of something longer, but maybe there will be a few good laughs.
…As usual, I walk away disappointed, bearing the bruises of Sturgeon’s Law.
In fairness, this isn’t terrible. It’s just raw. Really raw. There’s a lot in it that could be really funny if it were properly described. Unfortunately, it’s not there yet. It’s tell-heavy, loaded with dialogue punctuation errors, and the descriptions are overly simplistic.
Also, the characterization is a little questionable. Discord acts a lot more childish than canon will support, Luna’s still speaking in old English, and Twilight is far too rude to Discord when he visits her new castle. On top of that, he’s running around causing chaos—for his only friends, no less—just for giggles.
Verdict: It’s a run-of-the-mill Discord fic by a young, inexperienced author. If you eat those up, give it a chance, and see if you like it. However, if you’re looking for something with more substance, you should look elsewhere.
Tags: Gore, Dark
Rating: Teen
Length: 5,227 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Celestia recalls a war against the pigs and her own actions at the end of the conflict.
Review: Wrathful Celestia, huh? I can dig it.
The core concept of this story is sound, using a more recent version of Celestia to contextualize the events of her past self (and therefore keep it from being out of character) as she lays waste to her enemies. The enemy in question, the Pigs, is different from the threats we’ve seen in the show, and it’s not difficult to believe that they could drive Celestia to such extremes, although they do seem to be a little too similar to humans in some respects, making them somewhat jarring in context of the world they inhabit.
The violence itself is mostly visceral and satisfying, but the Pigs are so one-dimensional that it’s hard to properly enjoy their comeuppance or feel like Celestia’s going overboard in her handling of the situation. She might as well be fighting zombies.
And now I’m picturing Left 4 Dead with all the zombies replaced by pigs. The more I think about what each special infected would be like as a pig, the funnier it gets. Seriously. Try it.
Sadly, this story suffers from LUS and insufficient proofreading. Basic punctuation and capitalization errors are rampant. Even more unfortunate than that, however, is that it often reads more like a history text than a story. In the climactic scene, we’re told that dialogue happened, and we’re told that Celestia is feeling or doing things, but not enough is actually shown to appreciate the gravity of the situation or properly empathize with her.
Also, some time is wasted with OC guardsponies who don’t contribute to the story in any meaningful way.
Verdict: It’s not the best story of ruthless alicorn badassery I’ve ever seen, and I’d recommend ArguingPizza’s The Better Angel over this one, but it’s not bad, either. If violent stories—especially the sort with ponies smacking their enemies around—are your thing, check it out. After reading The Better Angel, that is.
Tags: Comedy, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 3,481 words (Status: Incomplete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Some stereotypical human writes diary entries about his time in Equestria.
Review: Okay, I’ll admit I only read this because I hoped it would be bad. I saw the author advertising it and bragging about how it didn’t have any downvotes, and I just couldn’t resist.
The “story” made a bad impression in the first few words:
My name is Connor.
This is supposed to be a diary entry. Why is the protagonist telling his name at the start of a diary entry? That’s not how a diary works!
The story is basically this: generic human teenager picks up mysterious mirror on ground, gets sucked into Equestria through it for no discernable reason, lands in Everfree forest like every other human protagonist in history, gets beaten up by ponies for daring to exist, and gets sent back into the forest to hunt monsters on their behalf because he’s okay by them as long as he’s doing a dangerous community service, presumably without pay.
Oh, and of course, this is all related from the teen's point of view in diary entries, so it's far less interesting than it might have been if the same thing were done in first-person narration.
It’s riddled with errors including but not limited to: misspellings, missing words, missing commas, comma splices, improper dialogue punctuation, and inconsistent paragraph formatting.
Verdict: Congratulations on your lack of downvotes, author. You’ve successfully attracted the lowest common denominator while avoiding the attention of everyone who expects more creativity from a story than can be produced by a drunken chimp dancing on a broken typewriter. This is absolutely terrible in every sense, and I don’t recommend reading it unless you just want to see if it’s really as bad as I say. If you do, you might notice that I did not give it that first red thumb. I reserved that privilege for someone else. And someone already took it.
How Hard Could it Be?, by Richardson
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 42,617 words (Status: – 7/16 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Celestia goes to Ponyville in disguise to tutor the CMC while Luna is stuck with the day-to-day responsibilities of ruling Equestria.
Review: It took three paragraphs for this story to piss me off. Here’s the offending sentence:
“The first is Applebloom, daughter of Tangerine Orange and Johnathan Apple, sister to Applejack.”
Do you see the problem? No, not “Applebloom” instead of “Apple Bloom,” even though that does annoy me. I’m referring “Johnathan Apple.” This may be pedantic of me, but I’ve had to deal with people misspelling my name for decades. It’s Jonathan, people! Not Johnathan. Not Jonathon. JONATHAN! Get it right, dammit.
Anyway, putting that unforgivable offense aside, this story has a rather odd premise, but it does a fine job of setting it up in the opening chapters. Celestia’s motives are clearly stated, and the reaction is appropriately fierce.
However, it does have some issues. One thing that I found jarring was how, at the beginning of chapter 2, Twilight talks about a part of a letter from Celestia (written in the previous chapter) that wasn’t actually in the letter. There’s also a lot of unnecessary telling, some of which is funny enough to forgive, but the rest is just filler. Sound effects are sprinkled throughout, which is completely pointless, as many of them have no context, and it’s difficult or impossible to figure out how they should sound. What the hell is “sploodge” supposed to signify? I don’t know because the author apparently thought the sound was enough to describe what was happening.
The prose walks the line between delightfully snarky and trying too hard, frequently stumbling back and forth across the line. Some of the metaphors and word play are really effective, but others fall flat. YMMV, I suppose. It’s also pretty heavy on references, and while many of them are subtle enough to not be obtrusive, some are overly blatant. My stance is that a reference or homage should be invisible to people who won’t understand it, and this fic fails in that regard.
It’s also worth noting that the energy from the opening chapters is practically sucked out the moment Celestia boards a train. Perhaps it’s regained after a while, but at the point I stopped, it still felt lackluster compared to the opening.
It could use a little more proofreading to clean up the occasional misspelling/typo, missing or superlative comma, misused semicolon, etc., but it mostly looks okay. Well, except for how Luna’s dialogue absolutely butchers old English, which isn’t even necessary in the first place. She used it in ONE episode, and she hasn’t done it in any of her appearances since then!
I would point out these problems to the author, but he seems to be the type who won’t even fix obvious, easily correctable problems after they’re called out in the comments, and if he doesn’t care enough about his readers to make it look good, I don’t care enough to give him feedback.
Verdict: There’s plenty of fun to be had here, but it requires forgiving a lot of missteps. The chapters are short, so I would recommend reading the first one (if you’re interested in this sort of comedy) to see if it’s to your liking.
Discord’s First, Last, and Only Friendship Report, by alarajrogers
Tags: Comedy
Rating: Teen
Length: 1,088 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: It’s a friendship report written by Discord.
Review: Well, let’s try this again. Here’s another highly-rated comedy—currently in the top ten, which means its first downvote is imminent—that might just manage to make me laugh. It features Discord, which is always a good thing when he’s written well, so perhaps this is the diamond in the rough I’ve been looking for.
One thousand words later, I can safely say… Nope.
It’s harmless enough, I suppose, but I didn’t find it to be very fun. It’s too unfocused to tell a coherent story, but it’s too focused to feel like it’s trying to give a window into a character’s mind instead of telling a story. The events detailed in the letter would be much funnier if the story was about Discord actually doing those things, rather than explaining them after the fact.
I guess I really can’t knock it too hard for the grammar, even though it is all over the place. Without reading more from the author, I can’t tell if that’s intentional or not, and it really didn’t get in the way of understanding what was being conveyed.
Verdict: It’s short and inoffensive, and if the concept still sounds interesting after reading what I’ve said, you’ll probably enjoy it.
The Evolution of Harmony, by Thornwing
Tags: Adventure
Rating: Everyone
Length: 41,176 words (Status: Complete – 16/16 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Twilight and friends go on a quest to find the long-lost parents of Celestia and Luna.
Review: There really aren’t enough good E-rated adventures on the site. They don’t all have to be bloody, globe-trotting or inter-galactic, half million word epics, after all. Sometimes, it’s nice to read about our favorite ponies going on a character-focused adventure that could almost, but not quite, be done in the show itself. That’s what this story promises.
But does it deliver?
Right from the outset, the answer is a resounding no. It opens on a five hundred word prologue about sunrises and stuff we saw in the show. No merit there at all. The first chapter consists of the ponies doing completely mundane stuff that is of no relation to the larger narrative. It takes over a third of the story’’s length for the quest to actually start.
UPDATE: Since this review's original posting, the author has removed the prologue, added a new scene at the beginning, and cut a lot of filler. It's now a much stronger opening.
Oddly enough, though, for a story that starts out weak, it begins to show a surprising amount of promise as it progresses. The characterization is mostly excellent, with a single glaring exception; Fluttershy’s only discernible character trait throughout this story is cowardice. At its worst, it’s like Dragonshy, minus the phobia holding her back. However, considering that it’s never a plot point, that can be overlooked, if not forgiven.
The quest itself has weight, but it never goes into really dark territory. A lot of exposition is thrown around, but most of it is handled in a tolerable manner, and it’s never dumped wholesale in the narration. Instead, it’s all related as the characters discover it.
While it contains a lot of nods to past events in G4, it also has plenty of references to older eras, especially G1, and those don’t feel forced or contrived, although there is one conflict that appears in the middle strictly to insert some action and a few gags into an otherwise boring part, and it never comes back into play. On the other hand, at least the author is mindful about keeping the audience interested by not bogging the adventure down in mundane events.
Once the quest starts, it rolls along at a rapid pace until it reaches a satisfying (albeit somewhat rushed) conclusion. Often, this works to the story’s advantage. However, there are points where it skims over tense character moments, cheating the reader out of some dramatic exchanges. This issue also rears its head at the end, bringing up some interesting encounters, but just telling readers that they happened instead of showing them.
Of course, there are some problems, as you’d expect from a new author’s first work. It starts out with a case of LUS, although that fades as the story progresses. Unfortunately, that’s replaced by a severe case of saidism abuse. Emotions are frequently told when they could be shown or have already been otherwise inferred. Adjectives are used excessively, contributing to the telling. There are also a bevy of comma errors—nothing crippling, but still bothersome—and a bunch of typos/misspellings.
So now we go back to the question from the beginning: Does it deliver?
Verdict: Ultimately, yes, it does deliver. It’s not flawless, and the beginning is mired in triviality that can be a bit of a slog. However, by the end, it delivers a satisfying adventure with great characters, world building, and a few neat surprises. I recommend checking this out, but be sure to skip the prologue and skim the first chapter. UPDATE: Post-review revisions have improved the opening.
Now, as for my idea… There are a lot of fanfic universes out there, and some of them have had contributions by multiple authors. I’m thinking it would be a fun project to read and review a selection of stories written by different people exploring the same ‘verse or concept.
There are also a few areas where these universes overlap, so that means I can do head-to-head comparisons to see which is superior.
Does this idea interest you? If so, what ‘verses would you like to see me delve into? Which ones are similar enough to compare? I already have a couple in mind to start with, and I’m considering devoting the rest of the month to them, but I want to hear from you folks before I start on a project no one else might care about.
Thanks for reading, folks! I’ll see you again on the next edition of Badfic Slaughterhouse!
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read it, and I may not finish long ones.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
A verse? Well I know one to recommend, but that might cause a problem because a good chunk of stories from that 'verse' are proofread by you. :P
These are always a joy and a pleasure to read. Keep em coming!
-Lumino
I'd recommend The Lunaverse and The Cadanceverse.
Also, it would be funny to see you tackle Fall of Equestria.
2533660
Yeah, that would be a little problematic.
2533669
I'm aware of the Lunaverse, but I hadn't heard of the Cadance one. That might make a good comparison.
I've toyed with the idea of comparing FoE to TCB and choosing which one is the most offensive, but I don't think I'll go there. Too many mature stories I can't link.
Heeheehee, the Pigs act a lot like Humans. So much so, that it became difficult to tell the difference? Any other George Orwell fans that might get what I'm saying? Anyone?
2533679 I'll second the Cadenceverse just for the Tunez and raise you one Cadence of Cloudsdale cycle to boot. Start with Lady Prismia and the Princessgoddess. It's so cute you'll just squee. Honest.
2533694
I've read the Cadance of Cloudsdale stories, actually. It's good stuff, but it doesn't fit what I'm looking for because almost all of it was from a single writer.
Prak, some of those verses get preeeeeetty long. And terrible. And awful. And just downright bad writing.
Oh wait.
Riiiiiiiiight.
FoE and Winningverse. Heck, throw in Past Sins as well!
2533748
I'm not overly concerned about how long they can be because I don't need to read every story in them. I can just pick a sample of 5-8 stories, and I probably don't need to read all of them.
And yes, I'm counting on some of them being terrible. It may suck to slog through a few stories, but they'll make good fodder for blog posts.
Winningverse won't work because it's too heavily centered around one or two authors, and FoE is probably not going to happen because I prefer being able to link to the stories. Tackling a bunch of Nyx stories should be simple enough, though.
2533748 Past Sins and its sequels were all written by Pen Stroke. Reality-Check's work is in a slightly different continuity.
I'll admit, in a small fit of sadism, I was going to suggest Fall of Equestria... mostly just to see you tear, rip, burn, and salt the earth where-ever that filth DARES to grow.
In the end, however, I agree with
2533669 . The Lunaverse is probably the oldest 'verse in the fandom(though I admit, I am a bit biased against the Omniverse's Most Incompetent Element Bearers), and, though I have not read them yet, the Cadanceverse seems like it needs more love. Plus, it was created after some argument over the Lunaverse season finale, and thus they have some link to exploit.
2534120 Interesting, I didn't know that. I have just read the first CadenceVerse story, and it seemed like a good fit.
Ah yes, The Better Angel was fantastic. :D
I'm not familiar with too many verses outside the big ones: Fallout, TCB, Friendship Is Optimal. It sounds like a good idea though. :B
2534104 Just though I'd give some advice if you include the Lunaverse. Criss on Two Equestrias and The Court Musician of Equestria purport to require no knowledge of the rest of the 'verse, though they may be a bit too long.