Fimfiction. I think we need a little word · 10:55pm Apr 27th, 2013
Hi, Fimfiction. Come in, sit down. Yes, over there. Have a beer. Wait, no, on second thoughts, you’re not allowed, you’re not even two years old yet. Have an apple juice.
I want you to think of me as a cool older brother. Well, okay, older brother.
Yes, I have been drinking, why do you ask?
No, no, don’t get up. There’s no point. The door’s locked. We’re going to have a little chat, you and I. This has been coming for a while, I’ve really been getting quite worried about you. I remember the old days, when we used to have such wonderful fun together; there was a real sparkle in your eyes, but now…
Don’t get all defensive. You know it’s true. You’ve let yourself go a bit, got a bit fat. Yeah, I know you’ve been producing a lot, but I’ve been marking it all, remember? Every night I’m sitting down, sifting through all those stories you’re writing and approving them. It doesn’t mean I approve of them, mind, just that they meet the lowest standards possible, and Fimfiction, so much just doesn’t. What are you playing at?
Yeah, the old days were a bit rough. You were younger then, there was more excuse for being a bit rubbish. I’m seeing good stuff from you, sure, but also lots of awful stuff. Lots of it. So much. You’re throwing over a hundred stories onto my desk every evening. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you’re so enthused, but they’re all the same!
Oh, don’t give me that “But Blue, there’s only a limited number of stories!” You know what I mean! Sometimes I don’t even think you care anymore. Writing’s important, it’s an art form like, well, art is. There’s not really any excuses for half-assing it.
What’s with all these self-insert fics, Fimfiction? If you stood back and saw just how many you were writing, you would die with shame. And they’re all the same! Literally! You roll your face over the keyboard, writing about how your life is awful and then you travel to Equestria, and OH BOY THE STORY IS ABOUT TO GET GOOD! Then you stop writing and mash your face over ‘publish’. They’re all the same; who do you think will care once you publish without reaching the story? Why do you write the same thing over and over again? It breaks my heart, because I know how talented you can be!
Remember when we were playing Frisbee in the park the other week? I suggested watching a film, and then you started moaning about all the stuff in the cinema at the moment. You complained that it was all derivative, or that all the films were sequels or spinoffs, and you really wanted to see something original, but the “lazy Hollywood fatcats” couldn’t get off their arses and make something original. Then I got home and saw what you had left for me, and, well, they were all sequels. Sequels and crossovers and more sequels. ‘My Roommate Is a Fallout Spike in a Box 2’ or something. Do you remember, we sat down and had a chat, and you just said that it was the only way to make sure people would like your stories.
Well, I guess that’s that mystery solved.
You’re a good kid. I’ve stuck by you when times were tough. I know you have some real talent, but too often you just want to get by on the minimum of effort. No, sit down. Don’t give me that “fanfic doesn’t really count”. That’s like saying it’s fine to draw stick figures instead of real drawings. I know you spend hours and hours on your stories; writing a story takes more time than a dozen intricate drawings or youtube videos, so why do you half-ass the important stuff?
No, stop it. It does matter. It matters because you’re putting a lot of time into this, and you expect me to put a lot of time into reading it. I know you care, deep down, but sometimes you just don’t get it. You think that writing a story is just about putting words on a page, but it’s not. If you write about your character doing A then B then C then D, it’s not a story, it’s just Stuff That Happens. A story is actually about something. It’s about something you care about, there are ideas and themes and it’s all about you putting your heart and soul into it; that’s what turns a story from a crude stick figure into a real drawing. It’s why the original Star Wars films were brilliant movies with real emotion compared to the Prequels, which were about men in robes hitting each other with sticks.
We’re not done yet. Sorry kid. You knew this was coming. I was frankly about to give up on you a few weeks back. Yes, you know why. Your little feature box.
Seriously, sometimes it is absolutely pathetic. That day when I logged in to see your box, that thing you wear proudly on your chest to show off the stories you love the most full of not one, not two, but three stories about filly sex. It’s feeble; is that really what you want to show the world you’re most proud of? Scootaloo getting nailed by Hitler, or whatever the hell it is?
Shut up. Sit down. I am drinking and I have a bottle in my hand which I am prepared to use. Yes, I understand that I can just turn off all the adult stories. But you know what? I’m an adult. My DVD shelf is full of movies rated 18. Some of them are brilliant. Alien! Terminator! Some weird Clint Eastwood film (he’s a cowboy, by the way). I don’t think it’s up to me to chuck all of them in case some horrible sewage also pops up.
The point is this: you churn out loads of terrible self insert stories, but I never see them hit your featured box. Every time though that some squalid little sex story about Sweetie Belle is submitted, I see it rocket to the top. You’re actually proud of it. It really worries me, Fimfiction. Even if it is terribly written, you can guarantee you will point at it and say “Yes, that is what I want people to see I like the best.”
No, I don’t care that ‘the other kids all favourite it, I don’t.’ This is the 21st century, there is a group responsibility. Why are you not championing stories that are actually good, why are you leaving it to all those horrid kids to hoist the rubbish to the top of the flagpole? If you see a story you like, you should upvote! You should favourite! You should tell the author it is good, and tell your friends!
It breaks my heart to see that you spend hours and hours, putting so much time and effort into stories about Rainbow Dash raping Scootaloo. And then you wave it about like it is the latest work of James Joyce. I really, really worry about you. It’s quite depressing to be honest, because you’re capable of so much more.
I’m not a prude, you know that. It’s just… come on, kid. Grow up. You don’t want to get put on some sort of list by the FBI. More than that though, have some self-respect. I don’t want to read your blogs where you moan about how you really wanted to write a story about underage Sweetie Belle but weren’t allowed to because THE MAN won’t let you write that as humanised. I mean… my god. Seriously? Listen to yourself!
I’m still here for you, you know that. You can do so much better than you are though. Get that spark back, stop just writing about the same rubbish again and again. I don’t want to read about you committing suicide and travelling to Equestria. I don’t want to read another of your sequels to My Little Dashie. I don’t want to watch you waste your life pumping out meaningless rubbish.
Again, I don’t care that it’s "only fanfiction". If you’re going to spend hours and days and months of your life on it, you better make sure it’s the best damn thing you ever made. Heck, Douglas Adams turned all his Doctor Who stuff into popular mass-market fiction, no reason you can’t do the same in the future!
Look, take this. Yeah, it’s a plushie. Okay, I know it’s Applejack, I didn’t want to give you something I’d actually miss. But here’s what you do. When you write a story, I want you to talk to your Applejack plushie out loud. Tell Applejack what your story is about. Tell her why you are writing the story. Tell her why your story is unique, and why people will read it and not all of the similar stories. If you can’t, then heck, stop writing and have a good think before starting again.
You’re a good kid. I know you can do it. You can go now; I’ve imparted all my wisdom.
Also I’m out of beer.
... My story was pretty much just approved by you.
I have a faint suspicion that there might be some twisted, albeit subtle, form of correlation.
That comment made this whole post... 20% cooler.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I agree completely. I turned off Mature because nothing that hits the feature box with it on is good. At least without all the self-insert sex, I can get a decent story once in a while.
Is this the bullshit the Prereaders from EQD have to deal with too?
Probably.
Get this man another beer!
otherwise, I'm a bit skeptical of the feature box. It's never been an accurate reference for quality, sometimes it even seems something gets featured off a handful of views, just because they happened pretty quickly. I've always wanted to see a peer reviewed system for features. The automated one we got now really only picks up the loudest of fics, regardless of whether it's music or noise
I believe this deserves the feature box.
This is comical and something I can't quite name at the same time. I'd really like some original content as well, but even if it's not it's something completely uninteresting to me that ends up in the box. That, and most of my favorited stories take months at a time to update. It's not update rate, it's content and quality, and people are 'running out', when they can pull out three good stories if you tell them to think for ten minutes.
And that is my addition to this rant-thing. Try not to kill your liver, Blue.
-Gilimmar
Wow that was a lot words to complain about about a faceless computer algorithm.The Feature Box doesn't care about quality. It only cares about likes/faves generated in a general time frame. Of course porn is going to rocket to the top. That's the way the rest of the internet works.
Do I get mad that great stories get buried under rubbish? Yes! But there's nothing that can be done about it.
1038690
I look out upon the barren wasteland and I think "This is not how the world should be!"
1038686
Don't worry, I have literally run out of beer and I don't fancy walking out in the dark :(
You are now reading this in the Narrator's voice.
I've been talking to my Chryssalid plushie about my story ideas, but it's hard to get feedback while getting horribly mangled. :(
I love you. There, I said it! Amazing blog post.
assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/audience.gif
Now to go rant to my new plushie.
i90.photobucket.com/albums/k278/jeffcannata/Man-clapping.gif
Bravo, sir 'Shift. You took the words out of my mouth, as it were, though written far more eloquently than I ever could.
I wish I had a Twilie doll to tell my stories to...
-Tricondon
Really wouldn't bug me to have 2 levels of mature.
1) Hey, you're a consenting adult, right? Well, there may be things in here your kids shouldn't read, but you can.
2) I have a thin excuse for a plot wrapped around s-x scenes here.
1038699
Still nothing you can do about it.
Because...
I feel violated
1038728
God I love Avenue Q. I think I was exactly the right age for it when I first hear it, having just come out of university.
With a BA in English.
tl;dr
*Clapping*
~Momentai
1038736
tl;dr: Blueshift has an aneurysm
Oh you poor bastard. I'm so sorry.
If there is anything i can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.
1038740 Mission success!
This needs to be linked on the "Create New Story" page.
This blog post is not so much a complaint about the featured box (in fact, to me it's a method used to illustrate the point) and more about how most authors here don't give two shits about what they are putting on the page because of the stigma 'it's fanfiction, so why put any effort into it?' I could go on for hours about this topic, but Blue's drunken rant will suffice for now.
*Leaves an offering of whiskey and backs away slowly*
Fimfiction, Blueshift hits you when he drinks, doesn't he? It's okay, it's okay. Cry and tell Uncle Bob how much that sick, sadistic monster hurt you. I hope you burn for this, Blueshit! Abusing this poor, innocent, perverted, filly-clop writing, gore addicted site! You sicken me!
1038741
It's ok.
I went back and got an MA
1038740 P.S. I actually read the whole thing, I just wanted to make you feel bad.
I can't imagine what line of thought brings a person to be condescendingly role-playing to thousands of people as if they are one. All it does is look unsightly and make decent people cringe for their senses of modesty.
Thank you, Bluesy. This has needed to be said.
Also, Applejack disapproves.
1038772
That means there is no-one about to cringe.
WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA
Self inserts for the win!
I'm going beyond just Human goes to Equestria.
Human with an average past goes to Equestria and defeats evil.
Villain possesses hero + Main.
Human goes back to Earth with villain egg quietly festering.
Comes back to Equestria.
Villain takes over.
Human falls.
Derpy takes over.
Celestia falls.
Human, Twilight trapped separate from their physical forms.
Mane Six minus Rarity rescued.
???
Equestria saved.
Applejack, hero go back to Earth.
Earth falls.
???
Applejack, hero survive? :s
Finally someone else who is looking for more than just repetitive story writing. A person who understands that feature box isn't for clop. A person who is actually looking for a decent story to read. For that sir I raise my hat and give a toast with my apple juice to a person who understands the importance of good litrature.
1038775
Look, you madman! Look at the horrors you've wreaked upon us now, pouring in one by one like millions of strokes upon a thousand mindcocks! The 'get this man a good thing! The 'this deserves this accolade'! The 'this pony disapproves'! The 'you took the words out of my mouth'! The faux-intellectualism, the assertions of need, the asterisked emotes!
A thousand clichés at once, pushing their gripped hands up and down in absolute rhythm in an orgy of unproductive complaint against an object as unassailable as Margaret Thatcher! How could you possibly bear this being done in your name, you sick, sick man?
Fuck you, Applejack is best pone and none can argue otherwise!
...
Okay I had a pint. Er, point. No idea what it was but I think I may have been agreeing with you somewhere along the line. It's all gone vague and squishy.
Have some of my whisky. That'll help.
ah yes. The feature box, while it does have good stories from time to time its always filled with sex stories, horrible horrible sex stories.
1038674
If it didn't have Hitler in, you're probably safe
Do you seriously do that? Read (or at least skim) every story? No offense or anything, but... do you have a job? I don't (well, not really), and I couldn't do that. there is not enough time!
1038734
I envy you so much. I was in about year seven.
Wait a second, Douglas Adams, Dr. Who...
Was the Hitchhiker series originally Dr. Who fanfiction? Because if that's true, that's just fantastic. Or did I read that wrong?
1038823
Kinda. Douglas Adams actually worked on Doctor Who for a while. He wanted to write a story called 'Doctor Who and the Krikketmen' but the producer wouldn't let him, so he turned it into 'Life, The Universe and Everything'. Then he turned two of his other Doctor Who stories into Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. That's why one of the characters in that has a Tardis!
One word, Blueshift, you glorious bastard you. One Word.
Hiatus.
1038821
Yeah, I have a real person job. And when I get home from a day in the office I am confronted with the fimfiction queue. Because I am just that nice.
Someone get this guy more beer. He's saying what we're all thinking.
i.imgur.com/SWDir.gif
1038836 You and Avid Reader amaze me with your amounts of dedication to reading all that this site has to offer, be it art or garbage.
Personally, I just don't read nearly a tenth of the stories from the feature box. Unfortunately, a lot of them don't look worth the time.
How does this sound, I'll grab myself a few beers and we can see what an intoxicated fifteen year-old can come up with. Bet it'll be better than half what we have on here.
Oh, I do have an original idea...maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
I wonder how many people who are part of the problem will read this.
Then again, will they even be stirred if they do?
This needs to happen.
In all seriousness, though: You have inspired me to work on my story more often, not only when I feel like it or think of something that I have to add, but force myself to stop what I'm doing, sit in front of it and think. And not do anything until I add something good to the story.
Blueshift, you should offer Fimfiction points for unique fics, so I can finally buy that Gold Chandelier for my Fimfiction house.
If you do not, you are directly responsible for my house being gold-less chandelier-less. >:(
1038834 Oh my god, one of the characters in Dirk Gently had a Tardis. Mind = Blown.
I read those books YEARS before I ever watched any Doctor Who, and I never made the connection between the concepts.
As much as I'd like to agree with you or give you some dime-a-dozen compliment, the unfortunate fact of the matter is, this post will change nothing. No amount of bitching will lower the amount of crap you have to sift through; slow claps really don't do anyone any good. See, there's a certain order to these things, and no matter how hard you try it'll never change. I mean, what can you do? Raise site standards? Ban all My Little Shithead stories? Bit of a Hitler move, that. It's really almost pathetic, when you think about it. Might as well insult and condescend to a rainstorm.
Hear Hear! Sometimes it's embarrassing what pops up in the feature box. We persevere though, because we are strong and we enjoy good pony fanfiction.
1038948 Wow an actual idea to improve stories.