Grim Endings

Professor Hubert Propane is your average scientist, but when he creates liquid happiness (Liquid H) things go topsy turvy as the fate of Equestria lies in the hoofs of the Prof, Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Spike!

Chapters (3)

Chapter I · 10th Feb 2012 · 1,038 words
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Chapter II · 9th Feb 2012 · 852 words
852
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Chapter III · 23rd Dec 2012 · 902 words
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Nazkan

Nazkan #1 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · · Chapter I ·

400 views and no comments? Really, I'm ashamed of everyone who isn't me. I expect three push-ups and a letter explaining why this story hasn't gotten any comments from all before the next ad break.
Now, if you'll give me a moment to wrestle the reviewing snake out from the behind my couch, I'll give my opinions on this story.

Grammar is...alright. It could still use some work. Sometimes you use the wrong word without realising it (Sweet, sweat), other times you use too many exclamation marks, and sometimes you just capitalise words for no reason; it's just a whole bunch of little things that eventually ruin the whole broth. And the dialogue is both extremely dry and lacking in any sort of emotion.
But that's all small eggs when compared to what I really want to talk about here. Usually, this would be the part where I tell you have a terrible case of Telling, instead of Showing as you should. I.E. Instead of telling us that Propane walked into Ponyville and setting up shop, show us Propane walking into Ponyville and setting up shop. Show the sweat running down his brow as he uses magic to twist the fabric of reality into a usable form and floats the wood together to make his stand. Just the little details like that.
But here is where things get confusing, because I don't know if you're telling us intentionally.
At first, I read this like I would any other story. Things happen, atmosphere is set up, things like that. But then I read it again, and I read it like I would a fairy tale, and everything just flowed together beautifully. Everything seemed whimsy and detached and happy and nonsensical, and it all seemed to fit together so well. So the problem is, I don't know if you were aiming for that kind of 'fairytale' air when you wrote the story, and if the telling is simply an extension of that.

As for the characters, well, as I said, no one seems to be in character, until I read this as a fairytale. And then it all makes sense again, because that's how someone would act in a fairytale.
Prof Propane is a pretty good OC, even if you did take the easy way out and make him white; but even white is better than black, so good work. He doesn't have much character, but again, I'm not sure if this is intentional or not.

That's all there is I wanted to say really. I could add more and go on about the plot or the canon or whatever, but I honestly don't feel like it.
All in all, I give this story four ear worms out of ten; and a packet of bowling pins.
Keep up the good work
Nazkan

SirAiy