• Member Since 2nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 16th, 2012

twilightpinkysparklepie


E

Prologue (Pinkie's Narration): Chimmy cherry? Chimmy chunga? No. I wasn't always so bright and bubbly! You see, I grew up with two sisters and my mom and dad. We were all so gray or brown, no color or spark in our lives. Every day I trotted around dull, lifeless rocks. Where was all the happiness?! I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my childhood and all; it's just, I wanted to trot around with flying colors with all the other ponies.
Then, one day, the unimaginable happened! A rainbow appeared out of nowhere and zapped me. It sure was shocking, not only the shock of the impact, but the shock of how I looked. I. Was. Pink. No longer did I look like the rest of my family. No longer did I blend in with the rocks around me like a little ninja. I turned into Pinkamina Diane Pie! i thought, this is it! This is my chance to shine and make the world a happier place filled with smiles and laughter rather than creepy crawlies and spooky scaries!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 4 )

:trixieshiftleft:

O...K... then... The most immediate thing that's wrong with this story is the title. It's "Pinkie" Pie not "Pinky" Pie, and "Pinkamena" not "Pinkamina". Also, it just switches from 1st to 3rd person all of a sudden after the first paragraph... Kinda weird. I'd comment on how the plot itself makes absolutely zero sense, but since it's tagged 'Random' I guess you can get away with that. You also did a poor job with Granny Smith's dialogue.

At least the grammar, spelling, and formatting were okay.

2.5/5 :pinkiecrazy: Because at least it was decently written.

~Rabbidfangirl

195625
You're right! Sorry, I just realized that. :pinkiegasp:
As for the switching between 1st person and 3rd person, I wrote "Narration" or "Prologue" for every time that Pinkie's speaking in first person. The rest of the story is in 3rd person so it's seen more like a show. "She did this" "She did that" kind of thing.
I tagged this as 'Random' because it is a random story!
Could you give suggestions then on how to improve her dialogue?:derpytongue2:
Thanks for your honest feedback!

196088
Well, just because you labeled it "narration" doesn't mean it's any less jarring or weird. About Granny Smith, she should have a hick accent, like Applejack, yet you wrote all her dialogue in regular English.

196339
I'm not saying that it's supposed to make it any less jarring or weird; I'm just trying to tell you why i made it that way. Of course it'll be weird either way! :derpyderp1:
I see what you mean. I will improve upon that. :rainbowlaugh:

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