5a. Braeburn's Boasting
"Dang'namit Mac! Ya'll don't get outta the bathroom ah'm buckin the door down!" Applejack fumed.
"Nope."
Applejack threw a shoulder into the door to make her point. "Last warnin'."
"Alright." Mac unlocked the door to their shared bathroom.
" 'Bout time. What were ya doin' in there anyway?" Applejack pushed her way in and began to brush her teeth.
"Just takin' a cold shower," Mac replied.
Applejack began to talk through her toothpaste-filled mouth. "Wha—ya go—in do that fer? Just—gettin' dirt—y workin'—today."
"Well ya see," Mac mused aloud. He could lie, or he could tell her the truth. As an added benefit, her reaction to the truth was likely to be priceless. "Ah had a dream, about Dash, and needed a cold shower."
If Mac thought Applejack had been surprised at the return of Nightmare Moon, then this must rate up there with her surprise had the sun exploded instead.
Applejack turned, spraying her toothpaste all over his face. "Ya what! What in tarnation!" She coughed to clear a little of the toothpaste that she had inadvertently inhaled.
Mac did his best not to laugh. "Ah'm sayin' I like Dash, and last night in my dream we had se—"
"NO!" Applejack shouted. "Ah don't wanna hear another word. Ya'll can like Dash, but ya try tellin' me what you two did in your—Just no! No! No! No!"
"What's all the ruckus' sis?" Applebloom inquired.
"Nothing!" both older ponies replied.
"Pfft, fine." Applebloom turned and went downstairs. "Grown-ups and their secrets."
"Eeyup," Mac stated.
"Ah'm gonna try ta get that mental image outta my head. Ya'll want to—if ya want to ask her out, ah bet she went to Fluttershy's. If what ya say 'bout Pinkie attackin' her is true, that's probably where she'd go for help." Applejack tossed the toothbrush back into its cup. "And keep me outta it."
"Thanks sis, I knew ya'd come around." Big Mac took a couple steps back, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Ya'll better take a cold shower too, on account of you 'n Rarity's spa date this afternoon."
Applejack threw a bar of soap at Mac and slammed the door. He took a moment to wipe the toothpaste out of his facial fur. As he turned around, he ran right into Applebloom.
"Ya know she's gonna get even, big brother, she always does," Applebloom stated.
"Yeah, but ah can't resist. Ya'll would understand if ya had a younger sister to annoy," Mac told her.
"Ah reckon ah'll have ta take your word for it. Now how does the song go," Applebloom pondered. "Dash and Mac'y sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes foals in a baby carriage!"
"So ya'll are takin' AJ's side. Remember that next time ya come askin' me if ya can go crusadin'," Mac quipped. He rubbed her mane to mess it up a bit before heading out of the house.
"Ya'll are outnumbered three ta one Big Mac!"
It was a sunny day in Ponyville, or it would be if it was sunny, and Mac was in Ponyville. He walked along the road that ran around the outskirts of the town. Scattered clouds blocked out most of the sunlight. Had he not known better, he would think the town's lead weather mare was sleeping on the job. Taking a moment to reconsider, he decided taking a nap is exactly what Dash would do.
Yesterday he had explained to Applejack that Pinkie had broken a Pinkie Promise, then he had gone to bed. He had the entire night to ponder the day's events; leading to the climactic moment that Pinkie let slip that Dash liked him too. That led to happy thoughts, then dreams. On the bright side, it sure would make things simpler if the feelings were mutual. Now his plan rested on the assumption that he could find Dash and speak more than three words.
Unfortunately for him, the cottage was coming up quickly. This would have to be his moment of truth, the moment when he confessed his undying love. . . or perhaps just say hello and go back home. Nope, he thought to himself. I've got to get this over with. I'll just. . . wait, what am I supposed to ask her? Lunch?
Mac walked up to the door. *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy." *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy." *knock knock knock* "Fluttershy."
"I'll be right there," a voice replied. The conversation headed in a much more familiar direction for both ponies once Fluttershy opened the door.
". . ." Mac said.
". . ." Fluttershy replied.
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"um. . . if that's ok with you."
"Eeyup."
Mac walked inside and took a seat, allowing Fluttershy to close the door behind him. Angel rounded up as many critters as he could find to watch the hilarity that was sure to ensue. A ring of critters gathered around and began placing vegetables into two piles. One pile represented the bet that Fluttershy would crack first, the other Big Mac.
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"Dash?"
"Nope."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"Tea?"
"Eeyup."
Fluttershy returned a few minutes later and served him tea. The two sat in silence, sipping their beverage. More animals continued to come in, careful not to break the silence, and add everything from fruit to nuts, even a few shiny objects, into the piles.
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"About half an hour ago."
"Work?
"Um . . . yes."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"Tell her ah stopped by."
"Um . . . ok."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
Mac took one last gulp to finish his tea, and stood up to leave.
"She likes you too," Fluttershy replied.
Mac spit out all of the warm green tea into Fluttershy's mane.
"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked. She wiped as much liquid off as she could.
Angel began divvying out the piles, declaring Mac the loser for his spit-take.
"Sorry Fluttershy," Mac whispered.
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
Angel hopped up to Fluttershy and kicked her shoulder.
"Oh, it's okay really. More tea?" Fluttershy offered.
"Nope. Where'd she go?" Mac inquired.
"The farm."
"Thanks."
"Anytime."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
"Hey guys! Anyone seen Dash? I'm super-duper worried, I can't find her anywhere and Braeburn says the best thing to do is apologize and tell her how super sorry I am and maybe even throw her an 'I'm really really sorry party.' I've been all over town except for here and I can't find her anywhere? Is she ok? Did she run away because I'm a bad pony? Why is everpony so quiet?"
"Pinkie. . . what are you talking about?" Fluttershy took a sip
"Oh Fluttershy, it's horrible, I broke a Pinkie Promise to Dash!"
Fluttershy promptly spit all of the tea in her mouth onto Pinkie.
"That's exactly what Braeburn said! It's horrible; I just have to find her before she decides not to be my friend anymore!" Pinkie turned and jumped through a window, sprinting off to find Dash.
". . ."
". . ."
Mac sighed.
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
". . ."
Fluttershy got up and opened the door, kindly walking Mac to the gate outside her house.
"Mac," Fluttershy whispered, dropping her voice even lower when he turned to look at her. "Any mare would be lucky to have you," she added, blushing furiously until her yellow face was bright orange.
Mac felt a little more chivalrous than usual, lifting one of Fluttershy's hooves and kissing it. He turned and left, just missing her faint and land on Angel, pinning him. The mischievous rabbit tried to tap out, but it proved fruitless.
Big Mac continued down the road towards the farm. Now that he had been honest with Applejack, he just hoped she was in a better mood when Dash got their looking for him. He began to gallop down the road as thoughts of what must be happening at the farm entered his head.
"Ya'll stay away from my brother, charlatan!" Applejack screamed, shoving Dash's face back into the mud.
Dash kicked off the ground, forcing Applejack to land in the mud, losing her grip. Dash wrapped her forehooves around Applejack, but she was so slippery she slid out. "Never, he's mine you two-bit apple farmer!"
Wiping the mud and sweat from her brow, AJ lunged forward again. Mud flew up everywhere, coating the mares in a sheen of the shiny, wet substance. "He can do better than a has-been stunt flier!"
Dash lifted AJ into the air, flying up twenty feet and pile driving her into a deep mud pit. The two surfaced gasping for air, drenched. "You're just jealous no stallion in town would bed a stubborn mule like you!" Dash flew up into the air for another attack.
"Why of all the. . . Nopony calls me a mule!" Applejack pulled a rope out of her hat, quickly aiming and lassoing Dash in mid-air. She gave vicious tug, causing Dash to plummet down into the mud. It splashed up everwhere, as AJ grabbed her by the mane.
Dash grabbed AJ's mane in kind, and the two began ripping each other's hair out. They rolled around in the mud, splashing everywhere, coating themselves.
Images of Dash and Applejack rolling around in the mud, yanking on each other's manes, and beating the tar out of each other continued to enter his head. Dash's taught muscles, glistening in the mud, would stand out as her wings spread. Her curvy flank, perfect shoulders and haunches would be highlighted in the glistening sun.
Mac tried to derail the train of thought that was uncomfortably arousing him. This was his sister he was thinking about. Well, his sister and the mare of his dreams, rolling around in the glistening wet mud, fighting over the affections of him. . .
Alright, he thought. This is getting' creepy. I need to change the subject. . . Twilight Sparkle. Macintosh found himself suddenly quite unaroused by the image of that one pony. Mission accomplished.
Mac arrived at the farm, expecting to see a broken windmill, collapsed barn, or perhaps a bloody skid mark in the ground where Applejack had killed Dash. Instead, he saw Applejack smiling and trotting towards him. Oh no, this is her revenge! She's getting even, RUN! RUN Fool of an Apple!
"Ya'll just missed her, lover boy. And if ya think ya had fun pushin' my buttons the last couple o' days, you ain't seen nothin' yet MacinDash." Applejack began laughing deeply.
"Howdy, Mac. I was just talkin' to Applejack about ya. Why don't we head into town and talk?" Braeburn asked.
"Eeyup." Mac walked alongside Braeburn until they were out of earshot of Applejack. "Thank Celestia, Braeburn, Ah've never been so glad ta see ya in my life."
Braeburn chuckled merrily. "Well, glad to know I'm still loved round these parts. I doubt AJ'll be that forgivin' though. Lucky for you, I think I'll be movin' to Ponyville and havin' Pinkie move in with me."
"Congratulations, cousin. Ya do realize Pinkie's a tad crazy?"
"That's what makes it fun, every day is an adventure, just like Aaaaaapalloooosa."
Mac shook his head slowly side to side. "One little dance in fishnet stockin's and she's got ya wrapped around her hoof."
"I was more impressed by what was under the stockings."
" . . ."
"That's what I said," Braeburn quipped. He poked Mac in the ribs. "Play your cards right and it'll be you and Dash in no time, partner. What do ya want to know?"
"Ah want to know where my cousin is and what ya've done to him."
Braeburn had to laugh for a minute before regaining his composure. "Mares change you, Big Mac, and it's usually for the better. Every Sheriff needs a Deputy and every stallion a mare."
"Ah'll reserve judgement 'til ah've seen it myself. So tell me, how do ah ask Dash out? What do ya think she would like?"
"Good choice, cuz. Now, when takin' into account how to ask a gentle lady out, you have to keep in mind their personality. First thing you should know about Dash, is her dominant nature. . ."
=====================================================================
Was a time, Mac, before I moved to Appleloosa and Dash moved to Ponyville, that we worked together in Canterlot. You see, back then Dollhouses weren't illegal yet. A pony like Dash could perform various 'escort' services for young stallions and make a fair bit of money. Dash was the best active we had, her code name was 'Echo.' I'd hate to confuse you though, so I'll just call her Dash.
Now, Dash has a very dominant personality. Back then, stallions would come from far and wide to get various urges satisfied. Breathplay, bondage, infantilism… in fact Fluttershy's nickname used to be 'Pattycakes.' You'll never find a mare more into infantilism then her, and Dash taught it all to her.
Well, where was I? Come on, pick your jaw up off the road, Mac. So, Dash would meet rich clientele, mostly nobles from rich Canterlot families. I was a groundskeeper at the time, hadn't had a chance to do any proper farming in a while.
Now one day I got a mighty unusual request. Turns out, there was a client into something a little heavier, more violent, than one mare could handle. I got offered two weeks' pay to stand by and make sure the client didn't hurt Dash while she 'punished' him for his wickedness. I'll never forget the way she had Bluebloo—I mean, her client, begging her for release.
It started the usual way, leather, restraints, whips, provocative clothing. I had to help hold the 'client' down, and make sure he didn't use his magic for anything nefarious. Suffice it to say I was twice as scared and thrice as aroused as the noble prince.
Dash strolled in wearing black latex socks, fishnets up to her flank, and a catsuit missing fabric at all the right places. . . Once the 'client' was fully restrained, she began whipping him. Forced him to call her mistress, had him admitting to being a filthy commoner inside of five minutes. Had him begging her to take all his money and make him her slave.
I've never seen a stallion broke so fast, or pushed to such heights. I can still here his screams of joy as the cat 'o nine tails whipped him.
If you want to date a mare like Dash, you'll have to be direct with her. Walk right up to her, and ask her out. She'll show you the time of your life, cuz.
=====================================================================
Mac continued walking forward and drooling for a while before realizing Braeburn had stopped talking. "Huh?"
Braeburn chuckled. "Eeyup. I could go on, but the details get a bit raunchy and a stallion never kisses and tells. I guess in this case, a stallion never watches a mare dominate a stallion as he cranks the lever to the rack, and tells."
Mac continued to walk forward blushing, aroused, and completely speechless.
Braeburn just hoped that Pinkie Pie was right about this. As penance for breaking the Pinkie Promise, they had decided to help get the two lovebirds together on a date. Being a man himself, Braeburn had decided the best way to get Mac to ask her out was through his loins.
Braeburn loved it when a plan started coming together.
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Yeah. We got some deep conversation going on right here.
In all seriousness though, a great chapter, and I do know how much can be conveyed through silence.
Pfftttttttttt. Hehehehehahahahahahahkekekekekekehahaha!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh poor Twilight never gets any luck at all.
*knock* *knock* *knock* "Kaidan?" *knock* *knock* *knock* "Kaidan?" *knock* *knock* *knock* "Kaidan? "
I see what ya did thar.
more plez
Poor unsexy Twilight...
A couple errors this round but for pi it is good.
Sometimes, though, I really don't even, and that happened a couple times in this chapter.
Totally worth it though.
I guess some stallions just can't take that much pony, huh?
*Suffice
*hoped
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/153/039/18301%20-%20animated%20gif%20pinkie_pie%20rarity%20spit-take%20twilight_sparkle.gif?1311466514
Get enough of this? I didn't.
Big Bang theory! Twilight's favourite comedy show
2264204 Eeyup. Also, creepy avatar. Makes me want to write a grimdark where all the ponies are made of wax and melt.
2269265 As soon as I realized how awkwardly silent a conversation between the two of them would be, I had to do it. My favorite part is how they actually had half the conversation from staring at each other.
2269703 2269381 Yeah, felt like bashing Twilight for some reason. . . probably the Disgruntled Friendship Letters update I just read.
2269732 Yeah, Big Mac can't handle her I'd date Twilight, unicorns have magic. So they must be able to do some crazy stuff in bed.
.2269850 I'm glad you didn't get enough, because the traveling spit-take will continue in the next chapter until it returns to Applejack. Also, I am going to throw this up on google docs (after this mock code) for what it's worth. Seems to have done well enough despite my horrible grammar.
2270333 2269391
*knock knock knock* "Dash." *kno—
"Yes?"
*fidgets nervously*
"You uh, want me to close the door so you can finish?"
"Yes."
(p.s. thank you all, made my caffieneless morning much more bearable.)
2270402
Bring in Octavia! The silence will be TRIPLED!
(the canon Octavia…whom we have never heard speak)
2271920 Thanks :)
I always feel like I have weak first chapters, so if you like it now you'll love chapter four
2271940 Hehe, you'll love a reference in chapter 5a. My depravity and awesomeness know no bounds.
Burn to Mac x Twilight shippers?
2272124 I haven't read many ships and no Mac ships, so I deduced calling Twilight ugly would be funniest. I guess I was right to burn TwiMac.
I am told the most popular is Fluttershy x Mac, but I could never call Fluttershy ugly. She'd use the stare.
Penny. *Knock Knock* Penny. *Knock Knock* Penny. *Knock Knock*
I SEE what you did there.
Big Mac: "Did I just think that, uhhh Lumberjacks, Baseball, Okay i'm good."
And on that note, we cue the music:
I'm surprised you didn't sneak in a .... in the middle of all those ...'s. (Four instead of a proper ellipses.)
Nice Dollhouse reference.
Better research some ice magic, Twi. You'll need it to heal that SICK BURN.
And Mac and Fluttershy's conversation was great. Whether as a couple or just friends, those two are great.
What Braeburn said, right here. On the bottom line. In the text I copied and pasted. This, right here. Made. My. Day.
HA! Penis joke!