The Secret Story of Big Mac

by Kaidan

5b. Spike's Spiel

Dash had spent the night at Fluttershy's after receiving her punishment from Pinkie. She had forgotten that she made a Pinkie Promise to teach Scootaloo to fly. The resulting punishment consisted of high velocity cake batter, and her face. It was not as awesome as it sounds.

Rolling over in bed, Dash recalled snippets of a dream she had last night. In the dream, Fluttershy was her mother and Dash was still a foal. She supposed there were worse dreams to have. One nightmare had been about Scootaloo grinding her up into a rainbow. Dash decided she really needed to stop eating before bed, as it gave her the strangest dreams.

Dash got out of bed and started to walk towards the living room. Passing by Fluttershy's room, she could swear she heard somepony inside talking. Curiosity got the better of her, and she leaned in to listen more closely. She heard some moaning and Fluttershy saying 'Luna' over and over.

Pushing the door open, she peeked in expecting to see the princess of the night. Only Fluttershy was in the room, and the creaking of the door had been just enough to wake her up.

"Dash?" Fluttershy mumbled. She rubbed her eyes and set up. "Oh, is it morning already?"

"Yeah, I was just. . ." Dash muttered before settling on a story. "I was looking for breakfast but couldn't find any."

"Oh, well I can make you something if you'd like."

"That's fine, I'll just take some Hay Tarts. I want to get over to the farm before Big Mac starts working."

"That's wonderful! Oh I wish I could come watch, are you going to ask him to a romantic picnic? Or maybe a gondola ride down the rivers of Venetia?"

"What? No way. That's way too lame. I just thought he might want to watch me practice some stunts or something. . . " Dash backed up slowly, failing to hide her blush. "I mean, I can't avoid this forever, time to just ask him and get it over with."

"Well, it's still wonderful. Good luck Dashie! And there are hay, chocolate, and cherry flavored Hay Tarts downstairs."

"Cherry flavored?" Dash chuckled. "Nopony eats cherry flavored Hay Tarts. You need to get with the times and start buying the strawberry ones."

Dash flew downstairs and ate a few packs of the chocolate pastries. She left the empty box of Hay Tarts in the pantry and went to get some milk. Finishing off the rest of the glass bottle of milk in the fridge, she set the now empty container back on the top shelf.

It was still early morning outside and dew covered the plants. The animals were all asleep, lending the cottage a tranquility Dash was unfamiliar with. The crisp, clean air reinvigorated the pegasus, filling her lungs with oxygen. She felt reborn as she spread her wings for an early morning flight.

There was nothing like the hour preceding sunrise. Dash would be the only pegasus in the skies while the entire town slept. She would be able to knock out the weather duties and take a nap before Celestia could raise the sun. Dash had kept her morning routine a secret. Waking up early was what enabled her to slack off for the rest of the day.

She started flying in the direction of the apple farm, reaching it quickly. Applejack and Applebloom were already outside beginning their chores. Big Mac was nowhere in sight. Dash flew down to ask AJ where he had gone.

"Hey AJ! You seen big mac?" Dash inquired.

"Well looky here, Applebloom, if it ain't the loverfilly herself. Ya come to whisk Mac off and declare your undyin' love?" Applejack mocked.

Dash's wings collapsed as she fell six feet to the ground in shock. Her face was bright red, and her jaw was wide open revealing all thirty-six teeth. The wide eyed expression of shock did not dissipate as Applebloom and AJ laughed at her expense.

"How—How could you know?" Dash continued to stand there, mortified, until Applejack decided she had tormented her long enough.

"Ah shoot, settle down Dash. Ya should see the look on yer face, it's priceless!"

"I uh. . . I need to go check on the weather," Dash lied.

"Wait! Big Mac told me he liked you, he went off to find ya at Fluttershy's."

Dash spun around before she had taken off. "Mac said he likes me?" While her shocked expression had vanished, she continued to blush. Though she had decided not to fly off, her wings still stood erect.

"Sure did, Applebloom, ya get back to yer chores." Applejack walked over to Dash. "Ya know you coulda just told me ya'll were interested in my brother."

"Yeah. . . Somehow I didn't think that would go over well, on account of you always trying to prove you're a better athlete than me," Dash chided.

"What? Ya'll are insufferable. Here ah am doin' my darndest to be nice. . ."

"Sorry, force of habit. So you don't mind if I ask Mac to be my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves day?"

"Nah, ah don't mind. He's a grown stallion. However," Applejack demanded. "You do anything ta hurt him, and ah'll repay it ten-fold on you."

Dash gulped and smiled nervously. "But—I wouldn't want—"

"Ya'll are too easy," Applejack laughed. "Just wanted ta make sure this wasn't some one night stand, seein' as you're in heat and all. Ah can understand the desire to clop, but ya better make sure ya'll have real feelin's for him before you ask him out. There are plenty of places to hide a body on the farm."

"Thanks. . . I think."

"Eeyup."

"Alright, AJ, I'll see you later." Dash turned and flew back towards Fluttershy's cottage.

It didn't take her long to retrace her steps, however Fluttershy informed her that she had just missed Big Mac. She told Dash that he had headed back to the farm to find her. By the time she had flown all the way back to the farm, he was nowhere in sight.

Tired from her wild goose chase, she decided to rest on a cloud for a little while. A storm cloud had drifted over Ponyville from the Everfree. She landed on the cloud eliciting a small clap of thunder, before resting on her belly.

"This is just great, barely eight in the morning and already going crazy. How hard can it be to find a huge, red stallion in a tiny, yellowish town?" Dash glanced down into the cloud, as if expecting a response. Eventually a low rumble of some of the thunder trapped in the cloud responded.

"Well, I give up. He's running around looking for me, so I'll just wait until he goes back to the farm. . . That's it!" Dash stood up on the storm cloud. "You're a genius, storm cloud! I'll start a huge thunderstorm, he'll have to go back home to the farm!"

The cloud rumbled in approval. Being the leader of the Ponyville weather team afforded her the right to adjust weather patterns as she saw fit. Her boss would occasionally 'strongly suggest' that she stop manipulating the weather for personal gain. As a team leader Dash could manage the weather however she saw fit, despite such recommendations.

It didn't take long to round up some more clouds. Dash began piling the clouds onto the storm cloud, and watched with satisfaction. The grey storm cloud oozed into the other clouds, until soon dozens of storm clouds filled the air. Several Pegasi from the weather team showed up to see what was going on.

"Dash?" Cloud Kicker inquired. "What's with the storm clouds?"

"Change in plans, we need a good thunderstorm to water the plants and knock over dead trees. Take the rest of the team and cover the town; I've got this area under control."

Some members of the weather team mumbled, but they went off to do their duty. Dash sat perched over the edge of the cloud. From her vantage point over the library, she could see everything over the north side of town. The nearby bridge led to the only road to the farm, and if Mac was anywhere in Ponyville when the storm hit he would have to cross it.

Dash bucked the cloud releasing the built up electricity. A bolt flew down into the Library's lightning rod. The loud rolling thunder signaled everypony to get inside before the rain started. Closing her eyes, she used her magical connection to the weather to sense the clouds. A torrent of rain began pouring from the clouds, slowly spreading as more clouds were pushed over the village.

It brought her some joy to see all the wet unhappy ponies scrambling home. She kicked the clouds a few more times, eliciting gasps from the younger ponies. Now that the weather matched her gloomy mood, everything seemed right in Ponyville.

A tingling sensation began to travel over Dash's fur. She quickly kicked the cloud to disperse the building lightning, but nothing happened. Standing up, she looked around in confusion. The tingling was building, and her hairs were standing on end.

Dash jumped up and down on the cloud a few times and had no effect. As the tingling spread over her entire body, she heard a loud popping sound. A flash of light blinded her.

She opened one eye, relieved to see she had not been struck by lightning. She now stood in the center of the Ponyville library, staring a displeased Twilight in the face.

"Oh hey, Twilight, nifty trick!" Dash put on a small, narrow grin.

"Rainbow Dash! It's not scheduled to rain today, this will completely upset the soil balance. Applejack just managed to get the acidity right for her crops, and we can't afford to have any more of the nitrogen in the soil washed away. What on Equestria were you thinking?" Twilight scolded.

"Uh. . . I was thinking I'm the head weather pony and that I was in charge of the weather."

"Don't you realize what this means? I'm going to have to re-organize my calendar for today. I'll have to move my stroll in the park with Pinkie to next Thursday. I'll have to do my thesis on Quantum Physics in Magical Theory today. I can't go out to shop for groceries, so I'll have to eat hay fries and yogurt until the rain stops. . ." Twilight began to levitate many lists and schedules around her in the air.

"Psst, Dash," Spike whispered. He waved her over into the kitchen.

"Hey Spike. I see its business as usual around the library?" Dash laughed.

"Yeah. Good work, it'll take her all day to re-schedule the rest of the month. I was just thinking that I could really use a day off."

"Well, at least one pony appreciates my hard work—wait! I'm supposed to be keeping an eye out for Big Mac. He could already be back at the farm by now!"

"You're looking for him too? He was here just the other day trying to get his oranges turned back into apples."

Dash laughed at the memory of the prank Trixie had played on him. "Yeah, that sure was a good one. So, did he ask about me?"

"Uh no, why would he ask about you?" Spike asked, as Dash's implication flew right over his head.

"Oh. . . no reason." Dash frowned a little before remembering this was Spike, and he had probably just been too busy to notice. "Hey, you and Mac are friends, right?"

"Yeah, we play Dungeons and Wyverns together, even took the test for Mensa together. I still can't believe he passed."

"Yeah, ok, egghead stuff. What's he like, is he nice?"

"Uh, yes? You already know that, though."

Dash sighed. "Spike you just don't get it, do you?"

"What, is he mean to you?"

"No, I like him, I'm asking you about him to kill some time. Tell me what does he like to read, does he play sports, has he ever checked out any risqué romance novels?" Dash lifted an eyebrow and stared at Spike.

"Oh! That kind of nice. Well, I suppose it's only fair I tell you about him. After all, the storm is getting worse I doubt you'd want to fly in it."

Dash looked out the window and confirmed the storm had spiraled slightly out of control. She chided herself mentally; this was exactly why the weather team had a rule against using weather systems from the Everfree over Ponyville. To be fair, it wasn't going to cause any property damage, it'd probably just cause some flash floods and an angry letter from the Mayor.

"Now, where is it. . ." Spike fished around a bookshelf before pulling a book out. "This is Mac's diary from his days as a hunter." He began to read from the book, suspiciously keeping the title just out of Dash's view.

===========================================================

January 14th.

I tracked a Wendigo into a quaint town called Ponyville. I believe one of the ponies in Canterlot resorted to cannibalism, turning into the foul creature. It is a wretched beast, the Wendigo. It grows more powerful the more pony flesh it consumes. By the time I caught up with it, the Wendigo possessed the power to shapeshift.

Now that I had it cornered in a smaller town, I just needed to get close enough to detect it. I had an enchanted birchwood spike from a shaman I work closely with. Driving it into the Wendigo's heart would kill it. The hard part would be detecting and weakening it.

I have researched the issue, and my best bet will be silver. If I touch it with silver it should recoil. Something about the metal disrupts their shape-shifting. Going around the town poking random ponies is unlikely to work well. I came up with a backup plan, and waited for it to feed at night.

There were two likely targets outside of town: an apple farm, and a lone cottage with one resident. I knew which one the Wendigo would strike to satiate its hunger.

It was nearly three in the morning when I saw the lavender unicorn approach the cottage. The sole occupant of the cottage had doubtless gone to sleep. The unicorn walked up and opened the unlocked door. I still can't believe ponies are this trusting. I suppose I am to blame, for I am the one that makes them feel so safe by hunting these monsters down.

I followed it into the house, noticing the many bird houses, food bowls, and hovels. Oddly, there was not a single animal present inside or out. This had to be the Wendigo if they had all fled. I heard hoofsteps on the floor upstairs. I began to climb the staircase when it attacked.

It came out of nowhere, catching me with a hoof square in the jaw. We tumbled down the stairs as he went for my throat. I grabbed him with my left hoof, which had a silver horseshoe nailed onto it. He recoiled, screaming in pain as he reverted to his normal form. I stabbed at him with the birchwood stake, but he batted it to the other side of the room.

I came to my hooves and pulled my trusty machete out, and got my first good look at a Wendigo. His desiccated skin was pulled tight over his bones; there was no hint of muscle or fat. Each bone threatened to burst through his gaunt frame. His fur had fallen out in clumps, revealing ashen skin under his patchy grey fur. His tattered mane and tail were barely more than a hoof long in length. His eyes. . . They were the only animate part of him. They were a bright, crimson red. They faced forward, the narrow pupils focused on me. The smell of his rotting flesh hit me as it licked its bloodied lips.

It came at me again, nearly losing its foreleg as I slashed out with my machete. It was unnaturally fast, turning and bearing down on my flank before I could retaliate. I rolled to the side to avoid his jaws, letting him land on me as I swung the machete back around. I buried it deep into his abdomen, causing a most foul screech of agony.

I kicked it off as it raked a claw into my side, adding another scar to the collection adorning my flank. I saw that our tumble had brought me closer to the birchwood stake, the weapon enchanted with one purpose in mind. That stake was my only shot at ending this menace.

I ran over and took the stake in my mouth. I could feel the Wendigo sailing through the air behind me, my heightened reflexes allowing me to dodge out of the way. I slammed my hoof with the silver horseshoe against him, pinning him to the wall. The silver did not weaken him, or cause much pain, but it gave me just enough of a distraction.

I drove the spike of wood directly into his heart with my mouth. This time, his scream of agony was hollow, like wind passing through a tunnel. I raised my other hoof and slammed the stake deep into his heart. He grinned wickedly at me as he turned to ash and vanished.

At the time, I didn't know why he had grinned, until I tasted it. Some of the blood from driving the stake into his heart had reached my lips. I know that Wendigo's are created by those who resort to cannibalism. Is it possible the Wendigo's curse had been passed on to me through the blood?

I pushed the thought from my mind. I had slain demons, vampires, werewolves, chimeras, medusas, and even a dragon. I would not go down so easily. Wiping the blood from my muzzle, I turned to see the home's sole occupant.

I don't know how long the pink and yellow mare had been standing there. I could tell by the look on her face she had seen me dispatch the Wendigo. I suddenly became aware of warmth spilling down my leg. I looked back at the gash he had given me. It had cut to the bone, and now that my mind was no longer distracted by the life or death fight, I was plunged into a sea of agony.

That gentle mare patched me up that night, and gave me a place to stay. I would normally never let my guard down, even around a normal pony. There was something about that one, though. Her kindness disarmed me. That was when I decided to find a job in Ponyville and make it my new residence. I had fought long and hard, but hunters don't get to retire. Instead, I will spend my time in this town protecting it from the unspoken evils that taint Luna's night.

=======================================================

"And that's all you need to know. He likes killing monsters, stakes, leather straps, chains, whips, knives, restraints. . . hmm you know, all that hunter stuff," Spike added.

"Yeah, Spike, that's not really hunter stuff. . . tell me, have you finished that book?" Dash inquired.

"What, it's not a book, it's a journal!"

"Give me that," Dash blurted. She grabbed the book quickly from his hands.

"Hey!" Spike objected.

Dash read the title aloud. "The Chains of Love That Bind Us." Dash flipped towards the back of the book and read another quote. ". . .As the mare brought the whip down over and over, I soared to new heights of ecstasy. . ."

"Spike, this isn't a book for children. In fact, I doubt this is a book for anypony." Dash tossed the book into a nearby waste bin.

"Dash! You can't throw books away," Twilight barked. She walked over and pulled it up out of the trashcan. "What? I've been looking for my romance novel everywhere! Where did you find it?"

Spike looked at Dash with wide eyes, pleading with her. "It was on the floor, over there." Dash pointed towards a dusty spot below a bookshelf. "Spike and I just saw it laying there."

"Oh thank you, I'm just going to go put this back in my collection.

Spike waited for Twilight to leave. "Thanks, Dash, I owe you one."

"Really? Then how about you tell me something truthful about Mac."

"Hmm, well he loves the Age of Dragons graphic novels. I suppose you could always give him one as a gift, I bet Twilight could even get it autographed for you." Spike smiled.

"Wow Spike," Dash answered. "That's got to be the first sane thing I've heard in days, thanks.”

The sound of a window being flung open was followed shortly by hooves landing on the wooden floor. An unmistakable jumping sound and the smell of cupcakes filled the library. Dash was about to walk around the corner and say hi, when she heard Pinkie begin to talk to Twilight.

"Oh, hey Twilight! Have you seen Rainbow Dash? I've been looking everywhere and it's just so stormy outside! I figured she must be here with you! Oh tea? For me! Thanks." Pinkie grabbed the cup of tea Twilight had planned for Dash. "Anyway, I feel horrible that I broke my Pinkie Promise with Dash." Pinkie finished off the tea just as Dash rounded the corner.

"You what!" Dash screamed. Pinkie promptly spit her tea out into Twilight's face.

"Wait, Dash," Pinkie begged. "It's not what you think! I—he—it—"

"You shoot a cannon full of cake batter in my face in front of Big Mac for breaking a Pinkie Promise, when you're breaking them too!" Dash advanced on the pink mare.

"No, but—I came to make it right!"

"How will you make it right? I finally get the nerve to ask him out and you assault me!"

"That's why I'm here! Braeburn is talking to Mac and my job is to talk to you and we're going to help you have the best Hearts and Hooves day with Big Mac ever! I'm super-duper sorry, I even brought you extra special cupcakes that are totally not laced with sedatives in case you didn't calm down!"

Dash paused for a few moments as her brain caught up with Pinkie's rapid fire dialogue. "So you're helping us get together? Perhaps I jumped the gun on the whole depressing storm thing. . ."

"Wait, Dash, you like Big Mac?" Twilight queried. She had wiped the tea off her face and had begun to drink her own tea.

"Yeah, I have for a while. It was only recently when I went into heat and started having raunchy dreams of me and Big Mac making lo—" Twilight spit her tea out into Dash's face.

After her choking subsided, Twilight spoke. "Wait, you're on your estrus? We're all best friends, I thought for sure our menses would have lined up by now. I need to go check my calendar, our cycles are off. Oh I'm going to have to reschedule all over again. . ."

Twilight ran out of the room leaving the others to stand around in amazement.

"You know Spike, they should really take her to see a specialist," Dash stated with a deadpan expression.

"We did, Celestia had her tested and she's not insane." Spike walked over to try one of Pinkie's 'I'm sorry' cupcakes.

"Well, the storms clearing up so I suppose I can head over to the farm now and ask Big Mac out. Do me a favor Pinkie?"

"Anything for my best friend Dashie!" Pinkie chirped.

"Stop trying to hook us up. I get the feeling you're going to pop out of a potted plant or something at an inappropriate moment, just let it happen naturally."

"Oh," Pinkie sighed. "I guess I can do that."

Dash turned as she heard a thud. Spike was passed out, asleep, in the middle of the library floor. A half-eaten cupcake lay next to him as well as the wrappers from two other cupcakes.

"Seriously Pinkie?" Dash shot a venomous look at her. "You were going to drug me and force me onto a date with Big Mac?"

"Well, let's call it plan B. I had to be extra certain to show you how sorry I was for telling Big Mac you liked him!"

"Oh yeah! That was the Pinkie Promise,” Dash laughed. “You're so random, every pony already figured that out. If you're really sorry, promise me you won't ever knock me out with a cupcake to play a prank on me. I had a nightmare about that once."

"Okie-Dokie-Lokie! Good luck with Big Mac!" Pinkie tossed a couple cupcakes into her mouth and chewed happily.

"Wait, Pinkie, those are the—" Her thud interrupted Dash. Pinkie was now fast asleep next to Spike. Dash considered sticking around to warn Twilight, but thought better of it. She'd stop by later to draw mustaches on their faces.

---

Dash flew over to the farm through the rain that was slowly vanishing. Several members of the weather team had begun to disperse the clouds. When Dash reached the farm house, she knocked on the door.

"Ah'm comin' "Applejack replied. "Oh Dash, come on in and have some hot cocoa. That was a mighty downpour we just had."

"Thanks. Is Big Mac here?" Dash walked over and sat down across from her on the couch.

"Yeah, he's getting' dried up. Somepony let a giant storm system pass over Ponyville and he got drenched to the bone."

"Oh." Dash blushed. "I'll uh. . . find out who on the weather team did it and have a talk with them." Dash hid her guilt behind the rim of her mug of hot cocoa. It tasted wonderful.

"Sure ya will. And ah just wanted to say sorry if ah spooked ya earlier. After you two were runnin' all over town lookin' for each other ah knew you must really like him. Ah'd be proud to have ya as a sister-in-law."

Applejack gave Dash a wide, friendly smile. When the last phrase, 'sister-in-law', reached Dash's brain, she sprayed the hot cocoa all over Applejack's face.

"What!" Dash coughed.

Author's Note:

For those wondering at all the spit-takes, they actually traveled full circle over the two chapters, hitting Big Mac & the mane 6 in an unbroken chain, except for Rarity.

Comments

[Saro0fdemonz]

WHOO, first one to read the newest chapter. I feel special-ish. It was a good one, funny, loved the cupcakes XD
You've written pretty much everyone perfectly. I'm still wondering how Spike got that book though...

[kingtiger666]

Hey Rainbow, you know what's the best part about unconscious mares?

They can't say no!

[Kaidan]

2284930 I think Spike is curious about how to win Rarity's heart, and who better to teach him then a romance novel about a shy dominatrix and a brave hunter of demons? I'm more concerned about why Twilight is reading it...

2285002 ...Eeyup?

Note to self: keep Pinkie's cupcakes away from Dash and Mac.

[JollyRogue]

"We're all best friends, I thought for sure our menses would have lined up by now. I need to go check my calendar, our cycles are off."
Perfect reference to throw in. Took me a second to realize it was from The Big Bang Theory.

[Kaidan]

2285612 I got lucky then, though now that you mention it, I do recall Amy saying the same thing. I just thought 'twilight is so neurotic I bet she scheduled all her friend's periods.'

I love when I'm accidentally awesome.

[Mayojar77]

2285002 Dammit, Tiger! Not cool!

[Procket12]

One trip to the burn ward later.........

[WiseIdiot]

Dash flew downstairs and ate a few packs of the chocolate pastries. She left the empty box of Hay Tarts in the pantry and went to get some milk. Finishing off the rest of the glass bottle of milk in the fridge, she set the now empty container back on the top shelf.

Rainbow Dash, you are the worst type of person.

[LinkAndEpona]

LOL at the Big Bag Thoery references!!!!!!
The Cupcake references were a nice touch as well XD
Lastly all the beverage spitting, especially the boiling hot cocoa, was hilarious!
This is probably now the best romance fic

[Kitten the Loopy]

2423548 Your picture fits that.

[SFaccountant]

Dash flew downstairs and ate a few packs of the chocolate pastries. She left the empty box of Hay Tarts in the pantry and went to get some milk. Finishing off the rest of the glass bottle of milk in the fridge, she set the now empty container back on the top shelf.

Rainbow Dash confirmed for being THAT roommate.

[jszellmer]

Nopony eats cherry flavored Hay Tarts.

I eat cherry flavored Hay Tarts...