The Secret Story of Big Mac

by Kaidan

8a. Rarity's Revelation

A bell jingled softly as the door closed behind Dash.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every dress is chiq, un—" Rarity smiled as she saw her friend. "Oh Dash! How wonderful of you to visit? What can I help you with?"

"I uh—well I was thinking you being fancy and all—maybe you might, uh. . ." Dash rubbed a hoof behind her head.

"Well, spit it out," Rarity quipped.

"I need help learning how to compliment Big Mac," Dash quickly whispered.

"What? Rainbow Dash asking me to teach her pillow talk? From what I recall, you didn't need to talk much last time you two were around pillows!"

"And I don't recall you talking at all around your fillyfriend Applejack," Dash retorted.

Rarity raised a hoof to her forehead. "Oh, the scandal! If ponies find out about my night at the spa with Applejack, massaging the knots out of her large, muscular legs. . ." She fainted onto her fainting couch.

"Yeah, so you gonna tell me how to come up with better compliments than 'your hair is soft' or not?"

"Well, I suppose it's the least I could do. If you break Mac's heart, AJ says she'll snap your spine. So, we shall do a little roleplay and I will teach you how to melt a stallion in your hooves."

"Wait, roleplay?"

"Yes, we'll pretend we're dating. Now, compliment me."

"Uh, I like your mane."

"Ugh. . . This is going to be: The. Worst. Possible. Day."

"Hey this is your idea not mine."

"Look, like this. Rainbow Dash, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Dash is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!" Rarity recited.

Dash just stood there with her mouth open. "What did you just call me?"

"Honestly?" she said in disbelief. "Well, let's try the remedial course. You don't just say my mane looks nice, you do it like this: the thousand sparkling colors of your prismatic mane reflect the inner beauty of your heart, Dash. Now, come here and let me probe those velvety lips.' Rarity closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

"Gah!" Dash shouted. "That's like, really creepy Rarity."

"It was pretend Dash."

"You say that now, but I've seen how you look at my flanks!"

"Rainbow Dash! Why I would never. . . okay, how about this: Dash, your eyes are like beautiful magenta donuts." she mocked.

"Oh, that's very nice. And your ears are extra pointy today."

Rarity sighed and shook her head. She slowly counted to ten under her breath.

"Dash, you can't just tell me something I already know. Show me something, make it sound fancy. My ears aren't pointy, they're cute furry mountains amidst a sea of silky purple hair."

She raised a hoof to her head in thought for a moment. "Nope, not seeing it. They're just ears."

"Okay, we're going to try this one last time. Give me an example of something Big Mac said to you."

Dash blushed, which was a relatively rare sight before she had dated Mac. "He said I felt soft as a cloud and smell like fresh rain," she cooed.

"Okay, and what did you say to him?"

Dash sighed. "That he was warm."

"Good, now do you see the difference?"

"Yeah, Big Mac has a better vo-voc. . . is well spoken."

"Dash," Rarity laughed. She stifled herself with a hoof. "I never thought I'd see the day Mac was more literate than you, and the word you were looking for is vocabulary. Now, Mac saw something about you. He didn't see a soft mare, he told you what he feels."

"Okay, so I should tell him what he feels like?" Dash inquired.

"No, you tell him what you feel."

"Ok. . . I tell him I feel like a cloud?"

A small vein on Rarity's head began to throb. "No. . . tell him how you feel about him. Instead of saying he is warm, why not say that you melt when he holds you."

"Oh, I get it! So I should have said he is hot instead of he is warm, like he was gonna melt me!"

"Dash. . . I'm going to count to three and I'd like you to leave before I have a stroke. Might I recommend asking Pinkie for advice?" Rarity said. Her eyebrow was twitching, just like Twilight before a meltdown.

"Uh, sure thing Rare! Bye," Dash chuckled. After getting outside she muttered to herself. "Man, no wonder Blueblood didn't want to date her. I couldn't understand a word she said."

Dash nearly ran into Fluttershy. It was mostly due to her being quiet as a pin dropping onto a cloud in a forest with nopony there to hear it. It was also because she was concentrating hard on finding a poetic way to compliment Big Mac.

"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked as she stepped out of the way. "Hi Dash. Um. . . what are you thinking about?"

"Huh, oh hi Fluttershy. I'm just trying to find a way to compliment Mac. I'm not very good at mushy stuff, but I sure like mushing our stuff together, haha," Dash chuckled at her lame pun.

"Hmm, well, have you tried imagining him in the sexiest place possible? Then, you tell him exactly why you find him so sexy?"

That's not a bad idea, Dash thought to herself. She tilted her head slightly to the right. Her eyes glanced up into the upper left corner and she stared into the distance above her. . .

***************************************************************

Mac burst through the door to the chamber where Dash was tied up. She lay fastened to a table beneath a giant pit and pendulum.

"Nope, Discord, Dash is mine!" Mac shouted.

"Curses, of all the rotten luck," Discord spat. Several rotten eggs spilled out of his mouth and began to charge Big Mac.

Mac ran forward, sweat dripping from his blond mane and tail. He had fought his way past two dragons and half a dozen wyverns to save Rainbow Dash. He reared up, bringing those gigantic masculine forelegs muscles to bear. With one stomp, he crushed all the rotten eggs, releasing a most foul odor.

Dash?

"Ah won't let ya take my marefriend, Discord! Ah've got the element of loyalty!" Mac shouted.

"Oh, and pray tell, what good will that do you against my army of humans?" Discord snapped his fingers and several hideous, hairless apes appeared.

"About at much good as your face will do against this!" Mac spun around, kicking Discord in the face. He leapt onto the table, freeing Dash, and running out of the castle with her.

Meanwhile, Discord whimpered in the corner for his mommy.

Dash.

"Oh thank you, Mac!" Dash said. She buried her muzzle in his sweat-soaked mane and breathed in deeply. He smelled of fresh dirt, cinnamon apples, and pure sexual-prowess. Dash immediately sensualized and stored that wonderful aroma.

"Take me, Mac, right here in the middle of the Discord's lair. The way your muscles rippled, the fury in those bottomless green eyes, the yolk you haul ever so effortlessly… You are the most handsome stall—"

DASH!

***************************************************************

"Dash!" Fluttershy repeated.

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked.

Dash was suddenly aware she had been day dreaming. She looked herself over quickly. Her wings were stiff, her face and other areas flush with heat, and a hoof had started to wander somewhere it should not have been in public. Fluttershy had pulled her out of the daydream just in time.

"Thanks, Fluttershy. I owe you one, and that day dream was oddly helpful. I may get the hang of this pillow talk thing after all. Say, can you send Discord a letter for me? I might need his help. I want to try and roleplay with Big Mac, so I need Discord to kidnap me."

"Eep!" Fluttershy hid herself behind her mane. "I, um. . . well. . . he isn't really allowed to do that. But um, if it's alright with you. . . I've been uh, spending time with Luna and. . . and maybe she could fix you two up a special dream?"

"Fluttershy? Are you blushing and daydreaming now?" Dash peeked around her pink mane to find her lip trembling.

"Huh? No, I have to go, bye!" Fluttershy scurried away from Dash.

"And she thinks I'm weird."

Dash turned and decided it'd be better to fly than walk to Sugarcube Corner. She was less likely to get sidetracked that way. It only took ten seconds to fly to Pinkie's house and knock on her window. The window flew open.

"Dash!" Pinkie cheered. She grabbed the pegasus and yanked her into the room.

"Whoa, Pinkie!" she complained.

"I'm so glad you came by! I was just telling Gummy that we should have a sleepover but I couldn't choose who to invite first!"

"I've got a date tonight, sorry."

Pinkie gasped, eyes wide as dinner plates. "You're not. . ."

"Hey, mind out of the gutter. Also, not your business." Dash stuck her tongue out.

"Okie dokie loki! What can I help you with?"

"Pillow talk."

"Oh, you want to learn to speak pillow? I always thank my pillow for being so fluffy, it even helps hide my cupcakes from Gummy!"

"Not talk to a pillow, I mean talk like. . . romantic to Big Mac. I want our fourth date to be special."

"Hmm, it'll be hard to top your first date. . . Have you tried just being yourself?" Pinkie inquired.

"Huh?" Dash replied. "I am being myself, I just need to be myself and say something cooler than 'oh Mac, your mane is so blonde!' "

"But his mane is so blonde!"

"Don't you ever forget what you want to say around Braeburn?"

"Hmm. . . nope! I always have lots of things to say, and Braeburn likes it. Even if I'm always super hyper from all the cupcakes, that's who I am, and Braeburn loves me for it."

"Interesting. . . so you're saying Mac probably likes it when I can't think of something awesome to say?"

"Eeyup!" Pinkie responded. "It's our quirks that make us unique! I hear you like when he's all sweaty and hugs you and gets it all over your mane! Tank says you don't even shower after he gets you sweaty!"

"What?!" Dash exclaimed. "I . . . how. . . Tank?"

"Want me to teach you to talk turtle after I teach you to talk pillow?"

"Tortoise" Dash corrected.

"Tomato, potatoe, umberto, manifesto," Pinkie blurted out.

"How can you give me such great advice and be so random at the same time?" Dash inquired.

"That's easy! It's just Pinkie being Pinkie!"

Dash sighed and shrugged her head. "Thanks, Pinkie." She flew out the window and headed for Sweet Apple Acres.

It didn't take her long to find Applejack, however Mac was nowhere in sight. Perhaps she could have some fun with the orange farmpony until Mac returned.

"Howdy Applejack, ah reckon ya'll know where Mac is?" Dash mocked.

"What in tarnation? He's in town, and if ya keep mocking me you're liable to end up in that there mud," Applejack quipped.

"Heh, no hard feelings. I just need advice on pillow talk. Somehow, Big Mac is like twice as good as me at it!"

"He always was a big softie. So, ya want my advice on pillow talk?" Applejack inquired.

"Yes. Can you tell me how you pillow talk to Rarity? Here, I'll roleplay Rarity." Dash grinned widely as she hovered in front of AJ.

Applejack's mouth flopped up and down for a moment as she blushed. It was rare for her to be left speechless. "Ah. . . we. . . just friends?"

"No no, Darling," Dash imitated. "Like this: Oh Applejack, your flanks are so curvy and fancy and I want to just gobble them up!"

"Ya'll quit it! Ain't funny."

"Hmm. . . Please, cover me in the mud, Applejack. I've been a dirty fashionista!"

Applejack looked over at the large patch of mud. With all the rain they had lately, the pig pen had turned into a giant mud pit. Applejack's eyes glinted with her mischief.

"Ya'll are Right, Rarity dear, why don't ah punish ya." Turning slowly, she smiled widely at Dash and pulled her in closer.

"No, wait Applejack it was a—"

Applejack flipped Dash into the mud pit. "Ain't so funny now, huh Rarity."

Dash sprung up and yanked Applejack into the mud. "That's it, let's go Applejack," Dash laughed.

"Ah been waitin' for a rematch since the last iron pony competition!" Applejack chuckled. "Last one standing wins!"

The two began to wrestle in the mud. It was a heated battle that would live on in the folklore of Ponyville for decades to come. Pegasi had already started to gather to watch, as Big Mac returned to the farm with Dr. Whooves. That, however, is a story for another time.

Author's Note:

Thanks for your patience. If you're wondering why the long delay in updates, blame my other story,Twilight's Dollhouse, that's so awesome I can't stop typing it. Next update will be longer, this was just to prove I'm not dead, yet.

Next time on Big Mac: Mac searches for a special gift and way to woo Dash on their fourth date. How can he say or do something to show her how much she truly means to him? Will he break up the mud fight, or enjoy the show?

Comments

[kingtiger666]

manifesto

If you don't post another chapter within the next 72 hours, I will destroy the Washington Monument.

[Kaidan]

2384950
I never cared for the Washington Monument, however, I will post another chapter in the next 72 hours because you're willing to blow up a national monument for me.

[Mayojar77]

For some reason, I feel like it would be worth it to punch a lion into a coma.

[Kaidan]

2385226
"Ah used ta date Fluttershy. Her lion gave me a cross look, so ah punched him inta a coma. We broke up after that."

[Mayojar77]

2385246 For a bit of funny coincidence, A Fic I'm writing at the moment has Big Mac and Fluttershy being involved romantically in the past. It didn't end well, Fluttershy made sure of that.

[Zepher2]

three letters to describe this LOL

[Loeden]

So many good bits in this one. I think my favorite was "What did you just call me?"

[Procket12]

Big Mac should just stand there watching the fight, then walk off and come back with a folding chair and a bottle of beer and just sit there watching them fight while he enjoys a cold one.

[Kaidan]

2390985
That's pretty much what I planned for him and Mr. Whooves to do. The whole town will be placing bets on the fight if I have anything to say about it.

2387882
Also my favorite.
2385631
Thanks.

[Sirflysalot]

"Dash. . . I'm going to count to three and I'd like you to leave before I have a stroke."
Best line ever!

[Kaidan]

2393548
If I were Dash, I'd probably let her have the stroke.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Fantastic thus far. I was worried that the story would peter out after the protagonists got together (and really, how do you top the double sonic raingasm? ) but even without the rubber band of sexual tension powering it, the tale still seems to be going strong. I look forward to more.

[Kaidan]

2406000
Thanks, it took awhile to learn to write romance to continue it past the raingasms and cheap puns. Now, if I could only put down my other story and stop replying to comments :)

[Kaidan]

2423548
She's just used to being a bachelorette, nothing wrong with that.

On any given day I've got like a dozen empty soda cans sitting around the apartment, and I haven't been to a grocery story in months.... where are they coming from?

2430669
Me too, I feel about 2-3 days away from getting my groove back, finishing Puppet, and releasing more chapters of everything! woohoo!

[jszellmer]

She lay fastened to a table beneath a giant pit and pendulum.

Poe would be so proud.

[RazorWing_GB]

Applejack's mouth flopped up and down for a moment as she blushed. It was rare for her to be left speechless. "Ah. . . we. . . just friends?"
"No no, Darling," Dash imitated. "Like this: Oh Applejack, your flanks are so curvy and fancy and I want to just gobble them up!"
"Ya'll quit it! Ain't funny."
"Hmm. . . Please, cover me in the mud, Applejack. I've been a dirty fashionista!"

AJ, Dash time out. Dash what did you say when you were imitating Rarity?
Um...
Did you come up with it spur-of-the-moment?
Uh, yeah?
Now ask yourself if you need help with pillow talk.