It was a normal day for Twilight Sparkle, until she found a hidden room under her library. Upon going into the room, she finds a prophecy that, when it comes true, will turn her world upside down.
Note: This is my first Fimfic and I am relatively young, so please don't be too harsh with any comments. Constructive criticism is welcome. Also, t won't really be teen until later on in the story, nor will it be a tragedy yet.
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I sense great potential in you. The story seems interesting, and I didn't spot many grammatical errors. I would however like to give you a little advice on the style and structure of this chapter.
First off, the opening was a bit poor. Instead of starting with what characters unrelated to the story are doing, you could have jumped right into what's going on in the library.
Another advice I have is on your use of dialog tags(He said, said Twilight, Spike said, etc.). Sometimes it's obvious who is talking, and it's not necessary to point it out. We already know that Spike and Twilight are alone in the library, so in some cases you can drop the dialog tags entirely. Example:
"Come on, Spike, let's go down and explore," said Twilight, eager to...
"Okay, whatever you say. But it doesn't seem very safe down there,"
said Spike, a little timidly."What, is the baby dragon too afraid to climb down the hole and have an adventure?"
asked Twilight..."No, but we've never seen this part of the library before. Who knows what could be down there,"
said Spike.(Be careful when leaving out dialog tags, though. Make sure that the reader won't be confused about who's talking.)
You should definitely keep on writing! I'll be sure to check out your next chapter. Cheerio!
You've caught my interest, I'd like to see more!
Overall it's good for a first fanfic, I hope you continue it.
As far as criticism goes, I'd definitely fix up the opening paragraph. Like Norrie McFly said, it's largely superfluous and it would serve the story better to have the paragraph just be about Twilight and Spike.
Also (and this is just a visual thing), I like it when authors put a space between each paragraph. It just seems to make the whole thing look nicer, and a lot of readers appreciate it.
Like I said, it's a great start, can't wait to see where this goes. I'm 17 years old m'self, so I can appreciate younger authors writing their first stories.
Yeah, I don't know when I'll get my next chapter up, but I'll take your advice when typing it! (also, I don't actually type it as my first copy, I write it out first. So who knows how long it could take. However, I at least have it written down, so I just need to type it in) I'll also revise this one a little (just an fyi, I don't actually have a proofreader, unless you count my brother who only read some of it, so I'm kinda on my own). Most of the first paragraph was filler since my brother said it was "too inconspicuous". The original manuscript was very bad.
Also, I plan to make this into around three stories total, so this specific story will be done in another three or so chapters, then the sequel. I'll eventually be putting an OC into later stories. Hope you enjoy the series and read it all the way through!
2255802
Good work
The best tip I can give is: once you have it typed in, go back and read what it will look like. This allows you to avoid problems with spacing, and also allows you to catch many of the grammatical mistakes you've made. If you need a proofreader, I know 3, four if I count myself. Good luck
Neat. P.S: The end reminded me of Kingdom Hearts a little bit.
Bravo, bravo, bravo. *Claps hoofs*