Dirt Nap
Dirt Nap
By
Wildebeest
I quietly strolled into the OICIO Office to find it relatively empty. Empty, that is, except for the baby blue Pegasus being towed out the door by two muscular stallions with milky white coats. On his face, I detected a unique combination of despair and resignation, the kind of face that a fly makes just before it gets swatted. I tried to put that face out of my mind as I directly approached the receptionist. Her mane was done up in a hastily applied knot bun, and the accumulating bags under her eyes suggested that she had definitely seen better days.
"I have an appointment for 8:30,” I said flatly.
“Name?” she said tersely, not even bothering to look up at me.
“Dirt Nap.”
“You’re right on time. Have a seat and Ms. Sparkle will be with you shortly.”
I nodded and complied with her request. I could tell that she wasn’t in the mood to have her time wasted. And neither was Ms. Sparkle, as she called my name less than a minute after I took my seat. I thought I would be able to devote a little time to quiet reflection, but alas, no such luck.
“Dirt Nap?” called a mildly nasally alto from down the hall. I craned my head to the right to spy the head of a lavender- coated unicorn peeking out from behind a glass- paned door. ‘TWILIGHT SPARKLE’ adorned the front of the door, in bold, arial- font letters. I locked my gaze with hers, quietly letting her know that she had my attention.
“You’re next,” she said, withdrawing her head from the crack. “Come in and have a seat.”
I nodded and briskly trotted on down, slipping through the door and immediately taking a seat at the desk. Upon taking my seat, I couldn’t help but notice how meticulously organized her office was. I couldn’t find a single scrap of paper that wasn’t confined to a neatened pile, nor could I find a single picture frame on her wall that was even one degree crooked. Three ballpoint pens were lain on the table, perfectly parallel to one another and comfortably within her hoof’s reach. On the opposite side was an azure- colored porcelain teacup with a generous amount of steam rising from it.
“Chamomile,” I said as a whiff of the steam passed my nostrils. “Feeling a bit unwell, Ms. Sparkle?”
“What?...oh, no,” she said, punctuating her statement with a modest, polite chuckle. “I just like the flavor.”
“I prefer ginger, myself.”
“Mm-hmm,” she mumbled, hastily laying my filled-out form out on the desk in front of her. “Now… Mr. Nap, exactly why do you want to come to Equestria?”
“A number of reasons,” I replied. “For one, I think I could prove to be quite a valuable asset to your reigning monarch, Miss Celestia.”
Twilight looked up from her desk, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. “That’s quite a bold claim, Mr. Nap.” I suppose it didn’t help that I was a mere earth pony.
“I’m aware,” I said. “But I firmly believe that your princess could use someone with my… skill set.”
“Actually, that’s something I wanted to ask you about,” said Twilight. “It says here that you’re a…” She briefly broke eye contact to take a cursory glance at my form. “…hit-stallion?”
“Indeed,” I said, standing up and showing her the red crosshair emblazoned on my flank. “I’m an assassin for hire.”
Twilight just gave me a blank, empty stare. After a few seconds of stony silence, it seemed quite evident that she wanted me to elaborate.
Of course, I thought. Equestria’s an idyllic world run by a benevolent monarchy. There’s probably no such thing as organized crime there.
“Well, a hit-stallion’s job is to help his client… how should I put this… take care of undesirables. If you want somepony out of the picture, I’m the one to turn to.”
The mare’s eyebrows jumped, and she stifled a gasp. “Out of the picture? You mean-”
“Dead, yes. I’m a hired killer.” I figured there was no point in trying to sugarcoat it.
Twilight gave me a pointed look. “And why exactly would Princess Celestia need someone like you?”
“Well, I understand that your people have been suffering from an infestation of changelings lately. Bug-eyed little parasites that deceive you into feeding them, only to stab you in the back a moment later.”
Twilight shook her head. “A group of them attacked the royal wedding last year, but we haven’t heard from them since.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked. “There could be hundreds walking among you right now. Slinking around in the shadows, patiently waiting for the right moment to strike.”
I leaned over the table until I was close enough to feel her warm breath caressing my face. “If you let me in,” I said in a hushed tone, “I will put every single one of them in pine boxes before the month is over. That’s a promise.”
As Twilight returned my piercing gaze, I could see her brow beginning to moisten. I also detected a barely audible gulp coming from the depths of her throat.
“Am I making you uncomfortable, Ms. Sparkle?” I asked.
“A l-little,” she admitted. A moment later, I heard the thump of a stamp colliding with my form. I scooped it up into my hooves, only to find, much to my chagrin, a bright red ‘DENIED’ mark at the bottom.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Nap,” she said, regaining her professional demeanor. “But murder just isn’t a valuable skill here in Equestria. We prefer to use… non-lethal force to solve our problems. To be frank, it doesn’t seem like there would be any place for you here.”
I nodded solemnly. “Understood,” I said, laying my business card on the table in front of her. “But just so you know, the offer will always be open,” I added, causing the mare to shudder.
Without another word, I took my leave and walked back out into the hall. As I approached the front door, I contemptibly eyed the Technicolor cretins gathered in the waiting room, eagerly awaiting their chance to step up to the plate. The worst part was that most of them probably stood a better chance of getting in than me.
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not bad hmm some of these characters are good curse you twilight for not letting the gamer in [luna would approve]
I don't know, Twi. Celestia might like having an assassin around.
So she denies him, but won't allow a HERO in!? Frankly, Princess, I think you are a changeling.
*Helix sidles up to Dirt Nap with a welcoming smile* Rejected, eh? Well, I happen to belong to an organization who openly welcomes ponies with such useful talents as yours. Of course, you're going to have to change targets. The changelings are working with us, you see. They're quite agreeable once you show then how to conduct pony-napping raids with the proper level of discretion. Now... *he takes a large bags of bits from a saddlebag* Care to help us with our first target?
PS: Twilight IS a changeling. After I knocked her out and dragged her through the portal, our evil organization, P.R.I.C.K. (Ponies Ready to Initiate a Chaos Kingdom) had Chrysalis assume her position (acting like a completely arrogant jerk comes naturally to the Queen, so it was an easy job!)
Of course, that made the poor pony bug freak out when Dirt Nap stated his intention to slaughter her and all her kindred. She'll get over it eventually. Until she finds out I hired him. THEN she'll be TOTALLY freaked and think I'm gonna assassinate her! Hee hee!
2236781Oh yeah, well, my friend Gamer made a miniMOAB time to destroy you with a non-blockable killing machine! Good bye! Booommm! *finds helix's body* finally, its over.
2236838 You know, I was fully prepared to take him up on his offer.
You just recklessly murdered a client that was offering me a fortune to join him. I'm not particularly happy about this. *brandishes garrote*
You know, I have an interesting question of sorts. Seeing that The O.C.I.O. allows the applicants that ranges from alicorns to giraffes, even those that wouldn't exist in cannon Equestria, does mean that Human OC applicants are allowed as well (which of course will be rejected)?
2238043 hmm...the idea was more that a person would try to turn into an animal of some kind...but I think your idea has potential. So yeah, why not? :)
2238549 *stomps up to you and shoves the can down your throat!* DRINK THE MIND-CONTROL JUICE, DAMMIT!!!
2248763 I have to warn you. My speed of writing for others might take awhile but I would be willing to write your character. Just send me the pony type, physical/color description, what they get rejected for, and name :)
2249414 Heh. Psycho is already in a few stories, but I can already imagine why they wouldn't want him here. Too bad! Illogic doesn't follow rules.
2235097 nah, gamer pony was just a troll. Gamer Luna would bash his face in
For the most part, I really like this. It brings up some good points about OCs and character concepts, as well as the land of Equestria as presented and what makes sense. Some of this I'm ambivalent about, because I don't see, for instance, any point in denying writers for being writers or singers for being singers. Sapphire Shores is, after all, a stage pony who apparently has something to do with music? But mostly I really like this.
I consider it worth pointing out that video games are a thing in Equestria, though- just in the form of arcade cabinets rather than consoles. Unless you're deliberately choosing to discount things that show up during the musical numbers if they clash at all with things that show up outside said musical numbers, but if you are you might want to make a note of that.
Video game cabinets appear in the 'perfect stallion' song from the Hearts and Hooves Day episode (as do an eulogy and a coffin, though the eulogy is implied and the coffin is barely shown and I suppose could have been something else entirely), in a portion of it that is visually set as in Ponyville, rather than in 'musical number flatcolor background land'.
...anyways, I probably should stop picking nits because the point is that this is fun and has some thought put into it, both of which are true, so there we go.
Write on!
2306131 Hey, I'm sorry It's been a long time since you asked me to write for you. I actually had to hand off your character to another friend of mine to write. I hope you're not upset about that. Your character is interesting but I'm realizing that when it comes to ghostwriting...I just can't do it. I'm so sorry
.
2308991 ok :) Yeah, I'll talk to him when he comes on skype and ask about it.
2390643 The last time I talked to him he said he was going to start. Unfortunately he's been busy with real life and work.
I really am sorry about this. Is there any way you can try to write the story yourself? Even if it's the most basic form? Right now my mind has been hijacked by another story of mine and all my creativity has been taken captive in that world.
If I had something basic I could edit a bit more that would help a ton .
2390763 I see. Thank you anyway though. Anyone can improve if they want to :)
I know how this is going to end...
*OC walk into Twilights office* "Greetings"
*twilight turns to him* "Hello, sit down so we can st-"
*OC smiles* "that wont be needed"
*Twilight frowns* "Why?"
*OC laughs* "you see Twilight, in your stupidity, you thought that you could let all those OC that you rejected walk around un-watched, you, of all ponies know the sheer amount of OC's have been rejected. Millions of them, and they still want in, and you know what?" *OC walks over the curtains and throws them open to reveal a vast sea of Angry looking OC ponies, mostly Alicorns, armed with makeshift weapons like tree branches and field plows*
"They are very angry." *The OC smiles devilishly at the shocked Twilight Sparkle.*
"We are going to Equestria, and we are not just going to live there, we are going to control it, and don't think that your princesses could stop up, if one changling queen could take her out, A thousand Alicorns could do the same. Sorry Twilight..."
"Your request to stop us from going to Equestria has been denied, try again later."
As a hit man hasn't he pretty much gotten in sort of? He gave his information to one of the rulers... can we say "temporary visa?"