Lord Smoked Meat and Fishes
Lord Smoked Meat and Fishes
By
Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes
I stood just across the street from the O.C.I.O building wanting to ensure that I was ready. Utilizing a nearby store window (and ignoring the stares of its patrons) I adjusted my golden helmet so it would stop bumping into my horn, made certain that its red crest was tightened and my red cape at just the right angle on my light blue fur. I was ready.
The only thing separating me from glory and riches was a simple little interview. I proudly opened the doors to find a dismal waiting room filled with bored looking ponies. So fantastic was my opening that a few turned their heads and actually looked in my general direction! Holding my pose for just a moment I continued to stroll into the office, and felt a sudden tightening around my throat as I promptly fell flat on my back.
The world was dark now as my helmet covered my eyes and a loud ringing filled my ears. I tried getting up again while fixing my helmet only to fall on my back a second time. What is going on I asked myself. It was then I realized I had gotten my cape stuck in the door.
Turning around I tried pulling my cape out with my magic but it wouldn’t budge. It was then the ringing left my ears and a more horrible sound took its place, laughter. Taking a quick glance behind me I saw that the entire waiting room was laughing at me. Some were even in tears the uncivilized dolts.
I continued to struggle for what felt like minutes until some little filly came up to me. She didn’t seem to be laughing so I looked at her and asked, “Well what do you want?”
Looking concerned she replied, “Would you like me to open the door for you mister?”
The laughter became deafening. Glaring at her I growled, “No thank you I am more then capable of opening a door by myself!”
Her concern changed to confusion as she asked, “Then why aren’t you mister?”
I decided not to dignify this presumptuous little brat with a response. Turning back to the door I used my magic to open it and pulled my now wrinkled cape out of the doorway. Ignoring the snickers of the rabble, I walked over to the secretary’s desk eager to get out of there as soon as possible.
I coughed to get her attention. She was a bored looking pegasus whose expression of disdain threw me off guard for just a moment. Sighing she said to me, “Name?”
“I am, Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes!” I declared hoping to reclaim some of my lost dignity. The resulting laughter caused whatever dignity I had left to go into the negative numbers. I began gritting my teeth in annoyance, as the secretary looked at her papers the faintest glimmer of a smile on her face.
“Ah here you are. Well it looks like you’re right on schedule. Just head down to Princess Twilight Sparkle’s door and somepony will be right with you.”
“Thank you madam,” I grunted as I walked down the hallway doing my best to ignore the simplistic sniggers of the waiting ponies.
“We’ll see who has the last laugh,” I grumbled to myself.
A princess eh? Perfect, I thought. My success is guaranteed. Surely only the sophisticated minds of royalty could comprehend the brilliance of my ambition. Walking down the hallway I spotted the Princess’s door and gave it three solid knocks.
“Come in,” said a dignified voice.
Upon entering I saw a regal looking purple alicorn. She looked like she had just returned from some prior engagement and was still adjusting several papers on her desk.
“Just have a seat and I will be with you in a moment.“
I complied sitting down in a rather comfy chair. I looked around the office as I waited, afraid to say anything lest I should somehow ruin my interview before it began. As I looked around the office I couldn’t help but notice a rather prominent red stamp.
“Sorry for the wait. I swear I don’t understand how Pinkie can make such a mess in just five minutes.”
“That is perfectly alright, madam.”
“Say, did you happen to notice what all that laughter was about earlier?”
“I haven’t any idea in the slightest,” I practically growled.
“Alright, now it says here that your name is… Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?”
“That is correct,” I said beaming with pride even as a scanned her face looking for any sign of mockery. All I saw was a look of mild confusion.
She looked at me and seemed to notice my helmet for the first time, “Oh, are you planning on entering the royal guard?”
“Please your majesty, my ambitions are much higher than that of a simple guardspony.”
Her expression showed nothing, but her sudden hesitation made me feel that I had somehow made things very difficult for myself.
“Well then, please enlighten me as to what exactly your ambitions are.”
Perfect! I thought. “My ambition madam, is nothing less than the creation of an entire new industry for Equestria! With this industry I can create hundreds, potentially thousands of new jobs, and revolutionize the tourism industry!”
I was proud to see that the princess raised a single eyebrow. Obviously she was so surprised by my response that she couldn’t bring herself to raise both of them.
“Really? And what exactly would that be?”
Standing up out of my seat I triumphantly declared, “Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes Butcher Shop!”
I stood there beaming. Waiting for her response. After several moments of silence I saw her staring at me with a look of horror on her face. She then quickly looked at my cutie mark as if seeing it for the first time. I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t often you saw a cutie mark with a butcher’s knife, slice of raw steak, and dead fish on it.
“A butcher shop?” she finally asked, “You want to build a butcher shop in Equestria?”
“Think of it princess! There are so many paying creatures in your world that eat meat. Griffons, dragons, minotaur’s, and yet you seem to have little if any means of catering to their tastes. But, with my butcher shop you can create an entire industry. They will come from miles around just to eat from my fine establishment. Think of the money that would bring in! Think of the new opportunities for your citizens!”
“How exactly would one shop cater to so many customers?” she asked.
“Simple, we create a slaughterhouse.”
“What?”
“Fine, meat factory if you want to be PC about it. “
I felt a sudden urge of panic as the ominous red stamp was lifted in a hue of magic. Looking at the princess I saw that she seemed to be conflicted. As if she were torn between revulsion and morbid curiosity. She sighed, placed the stamp back on the table and looking disappointed with herself as she asked, “Mr. Fishes how exactly would a meat factory work?”
“I’m glad you asked, first we knock out the animal and have it hanging upside down from a hook. It is moved down what is called an assembly line where-“ I continued to describe in detail the typical procedure. I spoke for several minutes but was concerned to see that the princess had developed a slight shade of green on her face. I was about to describe what we would do with the innards when I was quite rudely interrupted.
“Enough! Mr. Fishes what you are proposing is absolutely horrible! Not to mention impractical!”
“What do you mean?”
“First off good luck finding anypony who would be willing to invest in what is quite frankly one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard in my life! Even if you did you would have to find enough ponies sick enough to actually do such work on a daily basis. Why if my friend Fluttershy knew that I was even talking to you-”
I started tuning her out at this point. I had hoped that I would find some enlightened minds here. I suppose that was too much to ask especially from some blue-blooded noble. Luckily I came prepared.
Over her incessant prattling I said, “Tell me princess, have you ever had a cake?”
The Princess stopped, her eyes narrowing as if she sensed some sort of trap.
“Yes, but what does that have to do with this?”
“Oh nothing, except… Well I’m assuming that this cake had eggs as a major ingredient?”
“Well of course it did-“
“Now you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so tell me princess. Where do eggs come from?”
“From a hen but-“
“Now, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t making that cake require the death or rather the erasing of a baby chicken?”
She was about to say something when she stopped. She opened her mouth before closing it again, as if not sure what to say.
Gotcha. “What I am proposing is no different. Oh I will admit the methods are a bit more gruesome but I assure you that I will personally see to it that everything is done painlessly and that the animals live happy albeit short lives.”
“What sort of animals?” she asked hesitantly.
“Oh a variety of fish to start with. Such as Salmon, tuna, and trout. But that’s just the beginning! We can also have some birds such as chickens and ducks. But the real prize will be the mammals.”
“Mammals?” she asked now with an edge to her voice.
“Well of course! There will be pigs of course, and Griffons will come from miles around for the cows, sheep, maybe some goats just for variety’s sake-“
Before I could continue that ominous stamp was slammed onto a sheet of paper, and practically thrown at my face. I slowly took it off to get a better look and saw the most revolting sight I had ever seen. Eight big red letters that spelled out “DECLINED.”
“Why?” I sputtered.
“Well aside from the pigs, all of those mammals you mentioned just now are sentient and proud citizens of Equestria! Something you would know if you did any research whatsoever!”
“Alright I don’t have to cook those! Believe me the fish alone will-“
“Furthermore, how are you supposed to make a successful business when most of the population is physically incapable of eating your product!”
“Well you see, err you could give them to your pets…”
“Mr. Fishes, just go. You may reapply again in six months. I would recommend you use that time to do some actual research and maybe reevaluate your goals. Good day.”
I tried to think of some witty comeback. Some clever zinger to put this pompous purple princess in her place and let her know how what I really thought of her and her kind stagnating her kingdom. But all I could say was, “Well maybe I will!”
She didn’t even give me the satisfaction of slamming her door myself. The second I left her office the princess shut it with her magic, almost nicking my cape in the process. I stomped down the hallway eager to leave this infernal place. The nerve of her! Obviously her mind was degraded from generations of royal inbreeding. That was the only explanation for how she could reject such a glorious plan.
My rage must have showed, because when I entered the waiting room none of the other applicants so much as giggled. It seems even the most ignorant of rabble recognized pure anger when they saw it. That blasted filly from earlier even hid underneath her chair in fear. That cheered me up a little.
As I left the building I paused for a moment trying to figure out where to go next. If things had gone like they should I would be on the train or, well whatever they used to get ponies like us into Equestria. Instead I was just another nopony. It would be at least six months before I could even try to get back in. Even if I did what would be the point?
If that royal rube had her way I would be nothing more than Equestria’s first fishmonger at best. Your idea just would not work in Equestria. Well what does she know? Then it hit me.
Who said anything about having to work in Equestria? Once I’m in I’m canon. What’s to stop me from moving to the griffon kingdom, or the Minotaur territories? They would appreciate my ideas! They would see the necessary genius of my work!
Word of my success would spread and enlightened ponies from all over Equestria will come to me begging to work at the glorious Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes Butcher Shop! It’s positively foolproof! This called for a celebration! I decided to go to the nearby pub to celebrate my future success.
As I took my first step I felt a familiar tightening around my neck as I began to fall backwards. Through the ringing of my helmet I could already hear the riffraff beginning their lowbrow laughter. But never let it be said that I don’t learn from my mistakes. With as much dignity as I could muster I lifted myself up and put all of my rage and frustration into yanking that accursed door open. My cape was free but a loud cracking noise told me I might have been a tad enthusiastic in my door opening.
“Hey that weirdo’s stealing the door!” cried a nearby unicorn.
“Somepony stop him!” an earth pony shouted.
“Sir why are you stealing our door?” cried the now very angry secretary as she pressed a very intimidating button marked security.
I briefly considered my options and did the only thing a sophisticated and forward thinking visionary like myself could do, I ran like hell and didn’t look back
Stats
Page generated in 0.019 seconds
Total duration
711 users online
759,688 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh, we've got continuity!
In this very fanfic story!
Sorry, but I couldn't resist
Opening a butcher shop in a land ruled by ponies and run by ponies. Genius
But his name's awesome 
2766437 Idk if i want to show my mlp oc becasue i get the feeling it be rejacked.
well
the eggs used in baking are not fertilized and thus have no chick in it
twilight should have pointed that out
Is the name of this fellow a reference to what I think it's a reference to? Because if so, I feel like asking this pony for a muffin or a scone.
My OC is best OC! imageshack.us/a/img33/8686/wqh.png
My OC is simple... lol
2787890 By me? Why?
2788834 well it's the most OC i ever made, i didn't want to use a pony becasue is over done 100s of time. Also how twilight act is mean and not open to see how they work like gamer 1 there, she didn't ask for any hlep so she didn't untersand how her talent work.
2787965 Sorry did not think of that. I like to imagine that she was so stunned by Mr. Fishes stupidity that she temporarily lost the ability for rational thought.
2788233Yes Metool Bard, it is a reference to what you think it is.
"Oh, your a loon aren't you? Where have you escaped from I'll take you back."
2787868 Thanks, I'm glad you noticed that detail. I wish I could take credit for the name but I can't. If you want to find out where it came from just watch this 7 minute cartoon from the 90s. Lord Bravery in Office Visit
2787799 *tilts head* Fics? THIS IS MY REALITY!!!
2790861 that works also
2788834
Umm Hi Type! Can I Write A Chpter For My OC? Her Name Is Page Turner...
2793062 Sure! :)
2790879 You could always try butchering ponies.
They're ingredients for certain confectioneries...
2787965 You can always tell when one accidentally got fertilized...
... cuz of da blood.
2797193 I am quite frankly shocked and disgusted dear sir. Everybody knows that ponies taste terrible to other species. My character wouldn't waste resources on such a niche market.
2797197 eeeeeeeew
2797220 Except humans... Humans are evil pony-eaters!
Hence, why Celestia had to exterminate them all 3,000 years ago!
2797337 Perhaps. Then again history is written by the victors...
2797779 Or the ones I hired to do the work for... uhm.... never mind...
thats how you deal with a failed interveiw! you steal their door!
Hehehhe, I had thought initially Lord Smoky was to be some sort of ruler, but what followed surprised!
I'm trying to decide how I feel about this one. He is just so strange.
This guy is so off the wall crazy. I love it. We need more entire like this.