Shadow Caster's life changes greatly as his life in Ponyville progresses. New events will change his life forever. So lets Begin.
Chapters (2)
ShadowCaster
Joined 19th Dec, 2012 ·
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Ok few things
1. I think Applejack is one word.
2. I dont remember a description but since its your self insert i imagine hes black with red mane. Just going to go ahead and say that thats looked down upon here due to its overuse in really bad stories, also its a bad color scheme. The name shadow has the same stigma.
3. You needlessly add dialogue and pointless sentences that don't affect the story.
I steped inside and saw the shop was not crowded as usual. I sat down in a bench and waited for Mr. Donut to take my order.
"What would you like today Shadow?" He asked me smiling.
"Five vinilla donuts please," I said as he took my order.
"I'll have you order in a minute," he said and left.
He returned with a small plate with five donuts and a cup of water. "Here you are Shadow, that will be 15 bits," he said putting my order on the table.
I reached into my saddle bag for the pouch Apple Jack gave me. I pulled it out and placed 15 bits in his hand. He smiled and walked away to his storeage box. I began eating and i heard the door open, I turned and saw a white unicorn walk in and sit in the table behind me.
Mr. Donut saw her walk in and went over to her. "What would you like miss?" he asked with a smile.
"I would like five jelly-filled donuts please," she said lowly.
"Coming right up miss," he said and left and came back with a plate with five donuts, he placed them on the table.
"That will be 10 bits miss," he said slowly.
She gave him the bits and began to eat her donuts. She looked over at me and looked at the floor She was waring a black shirt and pants. Her mane is black with a streak of purple, she wore a big blue bow in her mane. She looked back up at me and smiled. She had green eyes.
This whole segment is pointless as its just you two ordering things. Why describe that? If your entire dialogue can be summed up into. "Shadow ordered vanilla donuts and other pony ordered jelly-filled ones." then you need to rewrite it.
4. Why do you wear clothes? Do other ponies still go naked or is this an AU and everyone wears clothes?
5. The prologue is the summation of every gary stu in existence. You shouldn't introduce a character as if its a cliff-notes.
6. The flow is rather boring. Everything you describe is one sentence long with no flavor.
I looked down at my clothes, they were drenched in sweat from my hardwork. "I need a shower," I thought to myself as I took to the sky, heading towards my house at high speeds. As I was flying through the clouds I saw many pegasi clearing the skies of clouds.
this is information that isnt really necessary since you dont use it for scene building or character development. Its just there. You do this a lot in the story.
7. Dont rush character interaction with out purpose. Your character just met this female character and the only interaction they have is an extrememly fast exchange of basic information.
-She is an alicorn
-She doesnt have a cutie mark
-She has issues with princess.
Then they proceed to shack up out of the blue. Why? Just slow down, take your time, and tell the story. You dont have to rush to get us info, let it flow naturally.
I would like to ask a question:
Why did you make your OC an alicorn?
And:
Why is his colour scheme red and black?
just a few mistakes i noticed
"furred" not "fured"
"ocArina" not "ocErina"
"from THE wounds he recieved" rather than "his wounds he recieved"
other than that just a few typos and some slight grammar mishaps but it does sound like an interesting story