All is not well in the country of Equestria. Something is wrong with Queen Celestia, and she has turned into a cruel tyrant over her people. She banishes her sister Luna on the charge of treason, which is where our story begins. Luna must find a way to rally an army to win her country back from her maddened sibling, and she finds allies in the most unlikely of places, starting with a small town called Ponyville...
(Inspired by this amazing piece of work by John Joseco, [http://johnjoseco.deviantart.com/art/The-Empire-of-Equestria-344843474] As soon as I saw it, I had to play with the idea!)
Chapters (4)
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I cant.
I cannot.
I tried to read this.
I really did
I was unable to read past the third line.
There was nothing interesting going on.
Im sorry.
I really am.
But I can't.
Thank you for taking the time to look at my work, I assure you there's more than three lines. If you could give me some more constructive criticism, that would be far more helpful.
Well, i get the feeling that something was supposed to happen in that prologue, but i'm afraid it must have passed me by.
You know what? This reminds me all too much of my own story. We have similar ideas, just that mine's more of a re-imagining of the canon story, not the SE vs. NLR. Beyond that, we have the same problem: excessive wordiness.
I know that feel, bro.
If you came back to it in some time, like a month or so, you might find some things you wish you'd done differently. I could try to help some with the editing, but no guarantees on my time.
Tell you what: you might want to take a look at my world-build (still far from done with it, typing-wise) and change it up how you like, if it helps any.
Thank you, El Dante, for taking a look at this and being so helpful! (I have no idea how to directly reply to comments, so I hope you see this.) Already I can see where the problems lie in the prologue: it IS slow and a lot of description, but very little action, and it doesn't explain much.
I might take some time before attacking it with editing scissors.
Your story sounds very interesting, I am going to check it out! It is a shame that humanizing the ponies seems to have such a knee-jerk reaction from the community.
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Thank you kindly. I hope it helps.
And, to reply, you hover over the comment until you see a little button with a speech bubble appear in the top-right.
Really awesome job.