• Member Since 30th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 10th, 2018

El Dante


T
Source

A re-imagining of the core story of the canon show as though it has originally been targeted toward older audiences (this entails humanization).

Chapters (7)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 20 )

I would like it if it weren't humanized.
AUTHOR PLZ

1894117

To leave it un-humanized would defeat the purpose of why I wanted to write it. :ajbemused: PIXELS PLZ

On the other hand, using the ponies as an allegory for humanity would have been nice, but it is crucial to the plot that the Pegusai and the Unicorns did in fact exist at one point but died out.This is Discord's leverage over Luna, turning her into the Nightmare later, but would have proved a problem if I would still have used them as the form of the characters (RD wouldn't have been able to exist as a Pegasus if they were extinct, for example).

If humanization is your pet peeve, then fine. To each their own. I prefer human myself. All I ask is that if you are going to read it, to look past that.

A few impressions:

Well, this is nothing if not ambitious! Starting out with an origin story -- from Discord's point of view no less. The bit about how humanity was Discord's creation is clever, and the basis for your humanized universe is well constructed. You're laying a lot of groundwork here. The death of the alicorns (and damn, the contradiction virus is beautiful), Chrysalis ... you're living up to the expectations you set, which is a promising sign.

Your writing style is awfully polished for a new author's. It actually has a Victorian feel to it -- the unhurried and flowery prose of authors like Dickens and Bronte -- which to be honest I personally dislike, but I can appreciate the craft of it.

For some reason I thought you were setting up for a Discord/Luna romance at the beginning there, and it was actually a tiny disappointment to see the more typical Discord/Celestia. (Of course, that's just because Luna is best princess. YMMV.)

Glancing over Chapter 2 (though I don't have time to read it now), it looks like you're planning on retelling the major story of the first show. That actually feels a little disappointing after such glorious and careful worldbuilding. I really hope that you establish your mane-six-fight-Nightmare-Moon premise as quickly as possible, and then don't hesitate to push your story in different directions. If I wanted to see the Mane Six fight Nightmare Moon exactly like they did in the show, I'd just watch the show again; what I want out of fanfic is to see authors tackle those what-ifs and march out into unmapped territory.

Finally, I don't think this story is going to get the views it deserves ... I'd like to offer a few suggestions that have nothing to do with the story itself that might help get a little more attention.

1: Spread the word around a little. Reddit's /r/mylittlefanfic is a good place to announce stories and find other things to read. It's a fairly quiet place, so might not pull in much attention, but the post pointing people to your story will stay on the sub's front page for days instead of, um, 45 minutes. You can also try submitting the story to Equestria Daily (though their standards are formidable, so expect to be shot down) or to /ponyfic/ or various other author congregation sites.

(Edited to add: Also, and I can't believe I forgot this, FIMFic's main story-spreading mechanism is the Groups shown in your navigation bar. Find some groups that match the characters, themes, etc., of your story and go see if they'll add your story to their group. This gives all subscribed members a direct notification of the new posting, and it's in an area they're already predisposed to like. There are also some good groups for authors requesting feedback or editing, if you'd like more of that.)

2: I hate to say it, but a 10K-word first chapter is a huge barrier to entry. If you find a few natural breakpoints and chop the first chapter in, say, thirds, you're not asking a new reader for nearly as much commitment. That gives people the chance to do five minutes' worth of reading to determine if they'd like to go on, rather than commit sight-unseen to half an hour. It's super rare for me to click on a 10k chapter unless it's an author I already know I'll like.

2b: Your story description is intriguing, but way too long-winded. Cut about two-thirds of it out. The parallel structure of "this is their story" isn't necessary after the first few repetitions. It's everypony's story, yes. Better to be brief and give the reader more time to click and appreciate the story itself.

3: If you have a few short one-shots you'd also like to write to go along with your Big Story, it gives readers more entry points. Someone who likes your 2k-word short and goes to your user page can realize you've written more that they might also appreciate. Finished short stories can also build up followers who will be looking forward to your new stuff as you write it, and that's a big ego boost.

Anyway, I'm going to do something a little bit strange: I'm going to follow you but not track this particular story. I'm definitely interested to see what more you write, although I'm on the fence about this particular story (the flowery writing is really tough for me to get through, and I have a lot of other long commitments I need to return to). I hope you do well with this, though, and if a future blog post talks about your progress on OIS don't be too surprised if I return and catch up on it. :twilightsmile:

Best,

Horizon

1895312

Well, for the first time I feel as though I've been completely understood.You seem to understand just about every little aspect of this story so far, right on down to the writing style (though I was more of going for Steinbeck, or rather, "Steinbuck").

Your advice has been well received, and I'll make the adjustments on the description soon. Also, I do have shorter chapters on the way.

But also, if you expect nothing more than a retelling of the series premier, well... you're gonna have quite the time. There is so much this story has to offer. For starters, the Nightmare gets overthrown twice, (the first by Celestia herself, after all) and that is surrounded by so much internal conflict. The Mane Six do get their turn at the end, but don't worry, I shan't disappoint.

1894739

Sorry if I seemed a bit edgy there. I've always wanted this story to get published on Equestria Daily or something like that, but some time ago I learned they are heavily biased against humanized fics. :fluttershyouch: And from what I gather, much of the fandom feels the same way. I feel that all the characters are human at heart, and to portray them as such is just slipping off the pony guise, showing who they really are underneath. Unfortunately, writing human really makes me the underdog here, and I knew it was only a matter of time until someone posted exactly your comment. So, yes, I'm a little sore.

1895312

Unfortunately, I doubt I will work on any other story than this one, and at this point I don't see much point in the blogging. Sorry to disappoint. This story is my pride an joy, you understand, and I feel obligated to bring it to its fullest potential. Any help in that area is more than welcome.

1900972
Yikes. These replies didn't show up in my notifications. :twilightoops: I'm glad I happened to check the story again ...

(I know knighty has been working on the site's notification system. In case the same thing is happening on your end, I did reply to your comment on my post as well.)

I'm glad to hear you're not limiting yourself with series plot! I didn't think you would, it was just a reaction worth mentioning. When you start off with such a grand scope, it's a little bit of an adjustment to glance at the next chapter and say, "Oh, I know this part." It's a necessary concession to its pony origins, though.

> they are heavily biased against humanized fics ... much of the fandom feels the same way
I don't know that I can explain that knee-jerk reaction, but it's definitely there. I think part of it has to do with the fact that it feels like taking a decisive step away from canon that most authors don't put in the effort to justify, a sort of "if it would work with ponies why make the change?" thing, mixed in with a sort of reverse uncanny valley -- the same knee-jerk reaction that furries get when someone sees artwork of furry versions of human characters.

I know that Gale Wind, for example, got a lot of the same pushback despite the uniqueness of his premise, and even some really amazing stories that simply couldn't have worked without the human element have to struggle under the stigma. And actually, on reflection, I think I've read more good pony-stories-with-humans than bad ones. (But I also don't take a lot of chances on them, so I'm mostly only seeing the really good ones.)

It's a strange thing. And cruel.

> This story is my pride an joy, you understand, and I feel obligated to bring it to its fullest potential.
I absolutely think you should. Follow your vision! Despite my disagreement with your writing style, I like the world inside of your head. :twilightsmile:

Interesting take. Making Twilight an asshole. I assume character developtment will take care of that.
Just one thing. There is detail and there is exposition.
Reading this is like reading an encyclopedia. Its not a bad thing, but it kinda slows down the story.

1988497

Well, I can't say i was going for "asshole" as much as cold. Except for when she talks about her brother. She never really had any friends, and I was really trying to exploit that. As for the development: you called it, buddy.

I've seen so many rushed stories I felt I should err on the side of caution. Too much is better than too little. It's no edge-of-your-seat thriller, mind you, but I am having it edited some at the moment to trim it down some. I don't want it to be a drag, but I do want to keep the "epic fantasy" feel. Books like the Lord of the Rings are meant to test you, to make you saddle-sore. A slow read, yes. But a fun one, as best as I can make it.

While I don't normally enjoy exceptionally wordy stories, this has been a very solid fic so far. It's a shame it hasn't got the respect it deserves--as a fellow humanized writer, I know how often they get pushed to the wayside by the average fic reader, just because of the human tag. Anyway, just figured I'd tell you to keep your chin up, and keep up the good work!

Are you gonna continue this?

2441601

(Oh, goodie! Attention! :raritystarry:)

A long time ago, I decided that this was an idea that deserved to be realized, and it was therefore my obligation to bring it into being. If you can stomach it, you can read some of my ramblings about how much I love this story.

I can absolutely guarantee that, except for in the event of my death, this story will be written to completion. In fact, if you would like, help yourself to a little teaser I whipped up.

I've found myself an editor, and he has already committed me to a deadline. I have five months to finish this or forfeit a kindhearted gift of his to some other writer. This probable event would not mean the abandonment of the story, however.
I've been writing like there's no tomorrow, where I can fit in between my school time. I'm currently on my 20th chapter, and have about 40 more planned. Forgive me for the wait; I go through handwritten copies before they are typed, and I am not writing them in order. I have three typists that are diligent so long as I breathe down their necks and two secondary editors on the job. We're going as quickly as we can, and refining the material we already have on the site is a top priority. You may notice that chapters 1 and 2 have seen some serious attention since when you probably saw them last. I've also decided that everything from this point on must be edited before it is uploaded. A reasonable proposal, if you ask me.

So yes, I'm pressing on as quickly as I can, tackling the existing problems, and working very much behind the curtain. It will be some time yet before I release my next chapter, though, since I'm working in no particular order, so please sit tight. Come that time, I will remove the "hiatus" status and you will be able to expect semi-regular additions. So don't worry, this story is still very much going. :raritywink:

While this chapter was good, I can't wait for the next chapters to come out. Also it is nice to see you fixing things up, though I wish you would go quicker.

2501488

Well, though you can't see it, it yet, I'm working very intensely in the background. It's consuming my every thought, and all of my free time. So far, I have 20 handwritten chapters, and several of those have been typed already. But the priority will be editing the material I already have here. I figured it'd be best to pull my pants up before I kept running, so to speak. I'm sorry to keep you in the dark like this, but don't worry. There's constantly more being added to reserve, just waiting for its time. I would imagine that once these ones are out of the way, the pace will pick up greatly. If you consider the pace at which I've been editing these, which takes about as long as writing them, things are looking good for the next few ones. I should be hitting the ground running.

In the meantime, if I could hold you over with a teaser? :twilightsmile:

(I wish I could go quicker, too.)

2503112
I think we all do. Just finished typing up that chapter you gave me. I'll get it back to you Thursday.

I found this fic by chance thanks to the Similar Stories box that appeared while I was reviewing my own story. I rather enjoyed it.

Biggest disappointed I had was to see it cut off so soon. The chapters are brief enough to be a breeze, but I don't really see any traction in terms of the main plot. I generally liked your humanization and reinterpretation, but the story is too short to really go anywhere. I know it's been months, but I would like to see the story continue.

I'm surprised that this fic has the Like-Dislike ratio that it does. At time of comment writing, it is 26-6, a ratio a little over 4-1 Likes to Dislikes. Humanized fics usually take a dislike hit because of their non-pony nature (love and tolerate everything except within the fandom), but even then good quality humanized (such as this) hovers around the 12-1 mark. I'm wondering if the story was unfortunate enough to receive little publicity (and thus general positives to drown out the negatives); a 10k word prologue that I heard mentioned in the comments (that no longer exists, apparently) could do it as well.

All in all, I think this is a good story and wish to see it continue, especially once the meat of the plot gets rolling. I like your very clean writing style and I enjoy both humanized and reinterpretations, and I think one more chapter oughta help.

5566860

Friend, you have no idea how refreshing it was to read that comment.

It's true I haven't updated in a while. My main obstacles have been more in the way of lack of free time in college and lack of energy and motivation. Lack of inspiration has not been a factor, I assure you. I have the whole thing all locked up in my head. I counted enough material for around 60 chapters in total. I hope to get around to posting the next chapter soon, but I've got another draft to write for it.

The like-dislike ratio is probably mostly in part due to me posting my rough drafts of the chapters first, which is something I will no longer do. I've been working with horizon to improve my writing and since then my chapters have gone through a second draft, which you see here, and you have his guidance to thank for the clean style you now see. (That 10k word prologue is now 5k words, and cut up into three "acts.")

I'd sooner cut off my own finger than abandon this story, but I feel your comment has just spurred me to get around to actually working on it again. I keep going off and on, and I hope to put a stop to my faltering. Your encouraging words at this point are godsend, and I promise you another chapter within the ambiguous time of "soon."

See you around, friend.

5566860

I wrote this thing, if you'd like any insight as to my so far indefinite hiatus.

I like that this is humanized. Author yes.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!