Twilight's Lament

by DJ DASH3R

1: The Beginning

It was a cool autumn day, perfect for a family trip to the park.. But unbeknownst to all of Ponyville, a great change was on it's way.

Our story is a tragic one, filled with strife. Loved ones killed, friends lost, then finally, a great evil laid to rest.
Our journey begins with a lonely purple filly. Parents too busy to play or teach, her only brother just shipped off to Royal Guard boot camp, and no friends to play with.. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and this, is the story of her descent into madness.

"Mom, Dad! Wake up, it's the first day of magic kindergarten!" The excited filly jumps on her parents bed.
Both of her parents groan, and her father reaches over to turn his bedside clock towards him.
"Sweetie, it's only 2. You need to go back to bed. You still have 4 hours until we need to get up."
"Oh, okay Daddy," The purple unicorn slowly crawls off the bed then drags her hooves until she reaches her own room.

"But, I'm awake, and I can't get back to sleep now. I guess I could read a little." She ventures over to her huge bookcase.
The shelf was floor to ceiling, and packed full to the brim with books of all shapes, sizes, and colors.
The purple filly stands at the bottom of the case, pondering her books.
"I wonder if I should study some magic books...." She trots over to the left side and pushes a rolling ladder over the the center of the shelf. Twilight starts to climb the ladder, and stops half half up.
"Here we go, magic."
"Magic theory, magic for dummies (TM)..."
After a few minutes of scanning the shelves and muttering to herself, she lets out an exclamation.
"Ah ha! Here we go. Magic practices for fillies and colts(TM)."
"Okay, lets see here......" The filly pages through the book, trying to find something to work on.
"I've done all of these. Different book? Then I'd have to climb the ladder again." She puts on a pouty expression.
Her face brightens as she gets a thought.
"Unless....."

The filly plates her hooves a little farther apart, then a look of deep concentration comes over her face. Her horn starts to glow, and so does a book on the shelf. The book starts to wiggle, then slowly starts to slide out.
She shouted in triumph, losing her concentration. The magical glow disappears, and the book, barely balanced on the edge of the shelf, begins to tip off.
The book reaches the apex of the tip, and starts to slide off the shelf, right towards an unsuspecting unicorn filly.
Said filly is performing a small, quiet, victory dance, when out of nowhere something hits her on the head, and knocks her out.

Hours later, her parents find her, unconscious, on the floor at the base of her bookcase.
"Oh my god!" Her mother runs to her and drops to her knees.
"What do we do?" the mare asked, panicked.
"Let's take her to the ER, and let them take a look at her." The stallion behind her says.
The mare noses the filly up and over her head, and onto her back.
"Okay, let's go." The 2 ponies head out of their house, and to the hospital.
A quick gallop to the hospital later, and the filly is laying in a bed, in a room by herself. Machines beep and buzz around her, her parents watching a from a small window in the wall.

A nurse walks over, and addresses the fillies parents.
"Mr. and Ms. Sparkle?"
The 2 ponies turn toward the nurse.
"My name is RedHeart, and I'm you fillies nurse. I'm going to need you to fill out these forms while I get some info from the machines in the room." The white nurse turns and offers a clipboard to Twilight's mother or father. Her mother takes it.
"I'll be done in just a few minutes." She says as she noses the door open and goes inside, closing the door behind her.
"I hope she'll be ok." The tired looking mare says to the stallion next to her.
"I'm sure she will be." The stallion replies.

All of a sudden, a voice is heard over the loudspeaker.
"Code yellow in room 23. I repeat, code yellow, room 23."
The sound of many galloping hooves is heard over the usual hospital noises. Twilight parents turn toward the sound, and see a group of doctors and nurses coming toward them at full tilt. They flatten against the wall in an attempt to not be crushed by the staff. The group starts to slow 4 doors away, and Twilight's mother turns and looks at the number next to the door leading to her daughter's room.

She spins around faster than a beat of her heart, hitting her husband with her tail as she whips around. her husband looks over to her, and sees the terrified expression on her face. He too turns toward the window, and his jaw drops.

The room is awash in light, a light so bright it was hard to see anything, but the source of the light is painfully obvious.
Twilight was floating about a foot off the bed, limp, as though being picked up by hooves wrapped around her shoulders, emitting the blinding light. Her eyes and mouth were open, beams of light shooting out from them, thin strands of purple magic were traveling up and down the filly's entire body.

The doctors finally make it to room 23, the first one kicking the door open and rushing inside, the other doctors following him. The last pony through the door was Nurse RedHeart, coming out of the room.
"Mr. and Ms. Sparkle, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to close the blinds and the door. The doctor has requested it."
Twilight's mother crumples to her knees and starts to cry.
Her father looks to the nurse. "The doctors know best. Go ahead and close them."
"Thank you." The nurse nods. "I'll make sure to keep you updated."
She goes back into the room and closes the door. A second later she's at the window, nods, and closes the curtains.

Author's Note:

It's only my second story, but don't be genital. I need criticism so I can improve.

Comments

[Bedlam Cookie]

I shall deliver a critique now. Use it as a feedback to improve your mad writting skillz. I have no authority to tell what is well written and what is rubbish, but I tend to read a lot, and I would very much like to help you in your journey in the land of written exposure of the soul. I shall use green text to point out things.

"It was a cool autumn day, perfect for a family trip to the park.. But unbeknownst to all of Ponyville, a great change was on it's way."
-This part has a crude but good approach, however I think you could make it more deep and lyrical. Such as " A cool, tender wind of autumn possessed the brown leafed vertigo that was now sweeping through the park" or somehting like that.

"Our story is a tragic one, filled with strife. Loved ones killed, friends lost, then finally, a great evil laid to rest.
Our journey begins with a lonely purple filly. Parents too busy to play or teach, her only brother just shipped off to Royal Guard boot camp, and no friends to play with.. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and this, is the story of her descent into madness."
-This line here cuts off the main idea that the reader gets from the first line. I reccomend that you put this in the description or its position in the main text, perhaps as a prologue.

"Sweetie, it's only 2. Two what? Be specific, for this can confuse the readers. You need to go back to bed. You still have 4 hours until we need to get up."
Try to use words, not numbers unless the quantity is big or at least of two digits . "Sweetie, it's only two in the morning..."

"The purple unicorn slowly crawls off the bed then drags her hooves until she reaches her own room." Now, Im not hating on your style here, but I am not sure if present is the appropiate time here. Allow me to point this out with an example: The purple unicorn slowly crawled off her parent's bed and slowly dragged her hooves through the house until she reached her own room."

"Here we go, magic."
-(Try to describe things more, like...) "The lavender filly picked up a book, and adjusting her eyes to the dim light, she read out loud the title of the heavy tome."
"Magic theory, magic for dummies (TM)..."

"Let's take her to the ER (Emergency Room seems nice, though hospital might be more show accurate, this one is completely on you though), and let them take a look at her." The stallion behind her says (Describe perceptible emotions of the characters. Example: "The cyan stallion whispered, his voice tone trembling with concern")

The room is awash in light, a light so bright it was hard to see anything, but the source of the light is painfully obvious.(Painfully obvious, exactly, I really liked that one).

Overall the plot () of the story has potential, I like the concept of an hidden power within Twilight. Keep going my friend, never surrender, and I'm looking forward to read the next chapter.

Disregard Reality, Acquire Imagination
Bedlam Biscuit
The Goddesses Shall Prevail.

[Field_Marshal_Luna]

ehhh, I'll see where this is going

[DeEquisCogitoErgoSum]

What you did well:

First, congratulations for reaching 1000 words. That is a feat that many people on this site have not accomplished. You've done it twice.
I did not see any spelling mistakes. You occasionally used the wrong word, but you had no spelling mistakes.
I had no difficulty discerning who was speaking in this dialogue heavy chapter. Dialogue can be quite tricky to follow in stories, but you did a good job with it. Also, you had no Said Bookisms.
Twilights actions were in character.
Your scene with Twilight looking through the bookshelf was handled very well.
You left us on a nice cliffhanger: it raised a few questions. Did Rainbow Dash do a sonic rainboom and awaken Twilight's powers, or was a knock on the head enough?
Your word choice was not repetitive, and, on the other side of the spectrum, it didn't sound like you chose every word from a dictionary. Good job.

[DeEquisCogitoErgoSum]

And for criticism.
<warning>You should take everything I say with a grain of salt. I've never published a story myself, so I'm hardly an expert. This is your story not mine. You make the decisions.<warning>

Lets start with your description. Don't mention that this is your second story. You are admitting that you are a new writer and that your story is not as good as others. Let the reader make that judgement on their own. What reader will read your story if you have no confidence in it yourself? Also, the description is not a summary of your entire story. Keep it short, or people will not read the entire description.

You don't have an image. Many people are shallow and will skip over your story just because it doesn't have an image.

This story is written in present tense. Most fiction is written in past tense. It is awkward and unusual to read a story in present tense. I highly recommend that you rewrite this story in past tense.
On the topic of tense, you occasionally slip into past tense. Regardless of what tense you choose, you should be consistent about it.

The most common problem for new writers is learning how to show rather than tell. This blog post by The Descendent may help you with this.

What are you going to do about the names of Twilight's parents? I don't believe they have ever been mentioned in the show.

I would remove the first two paragraphs; they don't add anything except to tell us that Twilight will go mad. I'm sure we will see this later in your story. They don't grab the reader's attention and aren't good opening lines. Does it matter that it's a cool autumn day?

"Mom, Dad! Wake up, it's the first day of magic kindergarten!"

Exclamation marks are dangerous. Be careful and stingy with them.

The shelf was floor to ceiling,

This is awkward, try something like, "Shelves lined the wall from the foor to the ceiling"

You have too many ellipses.

Why are you ending book names with '(TM)'?

The filly plates her hooves a little farther apart

I don't think 'plates' is the verb you want.

Hours later, her parents find her, unconscious, on the floor at the base of her bookcase.
"Oh my god!" Her mother runs to her and drops to her knees.
"What do we do?" the mare asked, panicked.
"Let's take her to the ER, and let them take a look at her." The stallion behind her says.

You need to show more. I might write this scene like this:
Mr. Sparkle nursed his morning coffee today. Usually he didn't need coffee in the morning, but an impatient filly had awoken him several times throughout the night.
"I guess even Twilight needs sleep from time to time" he thought to himself as he stared at the empty chair next to him and slowly closed his eyes.
Mr. Sparkle jumped awake as shrill cry echoed from Twilight's bedroom. He sauntered towards Twilight's bedroom and wondered which textbook the filly had misplaced this time.
Just before he peered into her room, a teary-eyed Mrs. Sparkle cantered out of the door and collided with him.
"Honey," she barely managed to say between sobs, "T-twilight's had an accident. We need to take her to the... to the hospital"

All of a sudden, a voice is heard over the loudspeaker.
"Code yellow in room 23. I repeat, code yellow, room 23."

How about:
"Code yellow in room 23. I repeat, code yellow, room 23," blared throughout the hospital.

The sound of many galloping hooves is heard over the usual hospital noises

Stampede!

It's only my second story, but don't be genital. I need criticism so I can improve.

Did you mean gentle?

Your plot in the first chapter was strong. I'm curious to see where this will go.

Best of Luck!