“I’m going to go… polish my horn!” she immediately turns and makes a beeline towards her room. Bahahahahaha!
You're really portraying a tsundere nature of Trixie to the max! I don't know why he would play that game to make him her slave for the day, since she nearly always treats him like that anyway, so it shouldn't be anything really new for him!
For the future, I'd like to see a scenario where she would be too demanding and his patience (which you make seem nearly limitless!) finally snaps, and a huge argument ensues, let the tension build, and then she would have to apologize to him. That will quite the change for the Great and Powerful Trixie!
2505118 Well of course, It's how I see her. Lol As for your thoughts, we'll see what I come up with, I am sure some will like and dislike what I do with it. Lol
The sexual tension is so strained that it could rip apart reality. 1812 overture.... I'll be playing it at the finally. So far so good, Trixie seems ready to give her all. For the equines!
I like the way this story is going quite a bit. The interchanges between 'you' and Trixie are priceless. However...I have a strange mental image of eventually - probably well down the line when they both are more aware of their own feelings and beginning to get a glimmering of each others feelings - the trail eventually taking them to Ponyville...and what happens there depending on where this is relative to the show, if it is even in the same universe. Given that she still has her caravan, it's probably pre-series.
Well, as an editor, I can't exactly proofread it...
But I CAN still review it with things that hadn't been discussed.
First off, the protagonist has become a lot more relatable with more casual actions being taken. Yes, sometimes there's the occasional decision that I don't entirely understand such as "Thirty-One" which I didn't exactly understand, even with the rules... But then again, I grew up with loads of other card games, and I guess it comes down to what the reader grew up with.
The dialogue between the two is also helped along with their perceptions of one another, which have grown well throughout the previous chapters. It's gone from "hate-ridden" to being "awkward more-than-friendship" in just four chapters!
That said, the best moments are the endearing ones, which are made all the more endearing with the occasional suspense or comedic scenes used prior to them, or the frustrating trials that the character has to go through. These make scenes such as the final ones of this chapter, all the more worthy of "D'awwwwww" reactions. Trixie's still a bit bossy (going through different means to get what she wants, in this case, magic and bets), but you get the feeling that she doesn't want to be this way, at least not to the character. It's just how she is, and she's sort of a kid, in that regard.
“I’ll make that up to you, I promise,” she says happily.
“I’m sure you will.”
“I could always be your slave for a day!” she exclaims.
First idea, said with such enthusiasm? You've got some of that cider still in your system, Trixie?
Great work on this chapter, though. I wish I could provide more to review with, but really, we went over a whole bunch of things in Editing... and I don't like repeating myself... and it's 3:09 AM.
I'd hate to see this end with the clop. Hell the only thing about this that the choice thing really is sort of meh for stories like this. Either your stuck or you have to go back home. If she can send him back and he want to go back later she can just do that, or hell resummon him.
Really it's only just because of finishing the new DBZ Abridged that I figured this chapter was gonna have the clop and end with that same set of lines only with Trixie having Vegeta's final line:
This is actually one of the better trixie fanfics in my opinion so thank you very much for writing it. It almost inspires me to go write my own story with trixie.
2505446 Well, that's good! I wish you luck with it.
2505478 Awesome, had to be sure. Lol But now that the sexual tension has risen, the conclusion and whatnot will fall into place.(As well as some hilarity!)
2505542 The idea behind those incidences were meant to kinda be thrown into your face to add to the shock of the situation. Kinda giving you that 'Whoa! Where did this come from!' type of feeling without completely leaving you handing without any explanation.
2505405 I'm just going to guess that's a unicorn word for masturbate to a mental image of you because you touched my horn and red horned me. (Magically preserved through contact.)
Red horn is a joke I heard that equates to blue balls for unicorns.
2505564 Lol I apologies to disappoint you. But I am sure you will agree a short(If you can call a 30k+ word count story, short) finished fic is better than a long unfinished one. Lol
MOAR!
Thank you kindly.
2505065 You shall receive more, when I write them... Lol
“I’m going to go… polish my horn!” she immediately turns and makes a beeline towards her room. Bahahahahaha!
You're really portraying a tsundere nature of Trixie to the max! I don't know why he would play that game to make him her slave for the day, since she nearly always treats him like that anyway, so it shouldn't be anything really new for him!
For the future, I'd like to see a scenario where she would be too demanding and his patience (which you make seem nearly limitless!) finally snaps, and a huge argument ensues, let the tension build, and then she would have to apologize to him. That will quite the change for the Great and Powerful Trixie!
2505111
Oh well that sounds lovely.
Carry on then.
2505118 Well of course, It's how I see her. Lol As for your thoughts, we'll see what I come up with, I am sure some will like and dislike what I do with it. Lol
This story is like crack. It's super awesome and it tickles my nose when I snort it! YOU MUST MAKE NEXT CHAPTER! PWEASE?
So much LOL! Augh =D
All of my yes.
i711.photobucket.com/albums/ww118/AAKRON/tumblr_mcbpeff8rH1qisd22o1_500.gif
Looking forward to more! ^w^
The sexual tension is so strained that it could rip apart reality.
1812 overture.... I'll be playing it at the finally.
So far so good, Trixie seems ready to give her all.
For the equines!
I like the way this story is going quite a bit.
The interchanges between 'you' and Trixie are priceless. However...I have a strange mental image of eventually - probably well down the line when they both are more aware of their own feelings and beginning to get a glimmering of each others feelings - the trail eventually taking them to Ponyville...and what happens there depending on where this is relative to the show, if it is even in the same universe. Given that she still has her caravan, it's probably pre-series.
2505166 Lol There will be more chapters.
2505168 Lol I tried to add a bit of a comedic side to this story.
I feel like Trixie's portrayal in this story will help you in the other story when you're finished with that one.
I could just feel the next chapter, or maybethat's just molestia....
Well, as an editor, I can't exactly proofread it...
But I CAN still review it with things that hadn't been discussed.
First off, the protagonist has become a lot more relatable with more casual actions being taken. Yes, sometimes there's the occasional decision that I don't entirely understand such as "Thirty-One" which I didn't exactly understand, even with the rules... But then again, I grew up with loads of other card games, and I guess it comes down to what the reader grew up with.
The dialogue between the two is also helped along with their perceptions of one another, which have grown well throughout the previous chapters. It's gone from "hate-ridden" to being "awkward more-than-friendship" in just four chapters!
That said, the best moments are the endearing ones, which are made all the more endearing with the occasional suspense or comedic scenes used prior to them, or the frustrating trials that the character has to go through. These make scenes such as the final ones of this chapter, all the more worthy of "D'awwwwww" reactions. Trixie's still a bit bossy (going through different means to get what she wants, in this case, magic and bets), but you get the feeling that she doesn't want to be this way, at least not to the character. It's just how she is, and she's sort of a kid, in that regard.
First idea, said with such enthusiasm? You've got some of that cider still in your system, Trixie?
Great work on this chapter, though. I wish I could provide more to review with, but really, we went over a whole bunch of things in Editing... and I don't like repeating myself... and it's 3:09 AM.
MOAR!!!
2505251 Goddess knows it'll get to the best o' 'ya,
Because there ain't no escapin' the Molestia.
I'd hate to see this end with the clop. Hell the only thing about this that the choice thing really is sort of meh for stories like this. Either your stuck or you have to go back home. If she can send him back and he want to go back later she can just do that, or hell resummon him.
Really it's only just because of finishing the new DBZ Abridged that I figured this chapter was gonna have the clop and end with that same set of lines only with Trixie having Vegeta's final line:
2505118 If he stand up to Trixie she might explode..... literally!
But in all seriousness, it would be interesting to see happening though...
2505286 Lol Well, that's my style either way. Lol Also, That last line... I could see that completely!
2505288 She would explode! In millions upon millions of sparkles and the old Mortal Kombat guy popping up saying 'Toasty'
Melon sized breasts, eh? My, she's a busty one
That aside, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. It's getting more and more entertaining the farther we get with the story.
That was hilariously brilliant.
Good work.
2505313 I like melon sized. Their big and pillow sized. I don't care for watermelon sized like most anime though. lol
2505316 Thanks!
This is actually one of the better trixie fanfics in my opinion so thank you very much for writing it. It almost inspires me to go write my own story with trixie.
2505321 Thank you, I am very glad your enjoying it so far!
I... LOVE IT.
2505329 I love that enthusiasm. Lol
New chapter?
pokerfraudalert.com/forum/attachment.php?s=3051c6c05dfe64f82e9449164e1c772f&attachmentid=5540&d=1357190145
2505354 All great advice and I thank you for it, though me and my editor can't catch every mistake so I hope you can tolerate my mistakes. Though,
This is hard when half of the people you live with don't know you're a brony/fanfic writer and you don't really feel like explaining that fact. Lol
Oh how I wish Trixie could be my slave....... Anyway yeah, great chapter thanks.
2505375 She would be a tough one to deal with though, I'd imagine. Thank you!
I loved every bit of this chapter. it was funny and fantastic!!!!!
2505388 Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying the series so far!
I bet you are
2505396
enjoying ?
that is a gross understatement.
hell it was this story that gave me a new Idae
2505317
I figured you meant something along the lines of ... they're called honey melons, I think. Only a quarter the size of a water melon.
2505405 You doubt the great and powerful Trixie?
2505446 Well, that's good! I wish you luck with it.
2505478 Awesome, had to be sure. Lol But now that the sexual tension has risen, the conclusion and whatnot will fall into place.(As well as some hilarity!)
2505528
What!? You're ending it so soon?
Tthe crowd is pleased with new chapter and so am i.
Good work.
Funny chapter, I really like your fic.
btw I think you need to write a little detail like when Trixie's horn getting stuck or when she getting naked, it just kinda unclear to me
2505530 Yes, I don't have much more to add.(or want to add) However, the ending should do it justice. That said, sequels are a possibility.
2505534 Thank you, I am glad you're enjoying it so far.
2505542 The idea behind those incidences were meant to kinda be thrown into your face to add to the shock of the situation. Kinda giving you that 'Whoa! Where did this come from!' type of feeling without completely leaving you handing without any explanation.
2505544
Hmm... You could always throw in something that could lead to a larger plot and build from there?
2505405
I'm just going to guess that's a unicorn word for masturbate to a mental image of you because you touched my horn and red horned me. (Magically preserved through contact.)
Red horn is a joke I heard that equates to blue balls for unicorns.
2505553 Meh, if a fic goes for to long it runs he risk of me getting bored of it. But that is where the possibility of sequels coming into play.
2505556 Friction burns on your horn are not fun.
2505561
Bleh xP
The good fics either
1 - Are incredibly short.
2 - Update once every month if I'm lucky.
2505564 Lol I apologies to disappoint you. But I am sure you will agree a short(If you can call a 30k+ word count story, short) finished fic is better than a long unfinished one. Lol