Well, alright so far. You'll need to touch up on the grammar a bit, but apart from that, it's fine.

Appaloosa

Appleloosa

2011980
Of all the corrections that need to be made, that's the one you go for?
Start with the first sentence:

Mayhem a bad luck prone stallion dreams he is to meet someone important's daughter.

And fixed:

Mayhem, a bad-luck-prone stallion, dreams that he is to meet the daughter of someone important.

2012040
I already pick on grammar too much, but that's more of a 'ponyspeak' mistake, so I thought I'd help you out there, and just say that you has bad grammar.

who ise her mother? fluttershy?