You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

Lightness of the Heart

A creature with no memory of who she was or where she came from or how she got injured in a massive thunder storm. With the mane six all looking after the injured, strange creature that no one has seen before. For awhile the mane six start getting use to her and treat like their own and Princess Celestia seems to know something about this wolf that no ones knows about.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

honorwolf

honorwolf #1 · Jan 8th, 2013 · · ·

and so it begins

TheMyth

TheMyth #2 · Jan 8th, 2013 · · ·

Hmmmm... Premise seems interesting... but there are a few things you should be wary of:
- Paragraph structure
- Show vs Tell
- Dialogue changes
- Description in dialogue
- Some grammar changes needed

Jack-Pony

Jack-Pony #3 · Jan 8th, 2013 · · ·

All in all, it's a good, interesting start. However, that said, it does need polishing. As "TheMyth" stated above there are some issues with the writing. I would suggest finding yourself an pre-reader/ editor to look this, and future chapters over...

Beyond that, I 'll stick around and see where this goes?

Autism Man

Autism Man #4 · Jan 9th, 2013 · · ·

“Oh that’s um, well I don’t know who it is and she doesn’t know either” explained Fluttershy,

You might want to fix that.

Your finally awake after 2 days.

We came by to check if you were alright after that storm last night?” Twilight then said,
“Yeah, it was a huge storm last night making all strange spooky noises!” Pinkie Pie added.

One. Maybe you could use words instead of number's?
Two. "Spent two days asleep, In the space of a few hours..