The Strings of her Heart

dragondude2201

dragondude2201 #1 · Jan 1st, 2013 · 2 · · Chapter 1: Drowning Her Sorrows ·

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good start

squashedpeach

squashedpeach #2 · Jan 1st, 2013 · 2 · · Chapter 2: A Night to Remember ·

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Really good start! can't wait to see how it progresses!

dragondude2201

dragondude2201 #3 · Jan 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 2: A Night to Remember ·

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/good job my friend

raindrops sparkle

raindrops sparkle #4 · Jan 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 2: A Night to Remember ·

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shes gonna have to tell applejack!
AJ'S reaction:

Warren Peace

Warren Peace #5 · Jan 2nd, 2013 · 2 · · Chapter 1: Drowning Her Sorrows ·

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Since I'm not really doing anything, have a review.

Of course, nopony truly blamed Derpy. Everypony knew what she was like. But Lyra wanted somepony to blame, needed somepony to blame. Since Bon Bon died, nothing filled the gaping void inside her except alcohol. Lyra poured herself another drink. “Excuse me, ma’am?” The pony behind the bar said. “You’ve been drinking for nearly 4 hours, don’t ya think it’s time to call it quits?” Lyra simply looked up and stared at him.

Any time someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. Also, don't put: 4, take the extra few milliseconds and put: four, it's more professional (or something along those lines).
That said:

Of course, nopony truly blamed Derpy. Everypony knew what she was like. But Lyra wanted somepony to blame, needed somepony to blame. Since Bon Bon died, nothing filled the gaping void inside her except alcohol. Lyra poured herself another drink.
“Excuse me, ma’am?” The pony behind the bar said. “You’ve been drinking for nearly 4 four hours, don’t ya think it’s time to call it quits?” Lyra simply looked up and stared at him.

Grammar-wise, you're good and (aside from repeating the above-mentioned problem concerning speech), your formatting is good as well.

The short sentences feel a bit awkward to read, but that's just me being a picky asshole and there's nothing wrong with them.

However, I did feel that Rainbow Dash's reason:

But, what the hay, it was always nice to have a few extra friends.

for chillin' with Lyra felt kinda weak.

A potential alternative could have been that Dash felt sorry for Lyra (from the beginning) and that was the reason for her to go out on Saturday with her. Not for the sake of having another friend, but for the sake of being there for someone who just lost someone special in their life.

It also isn't popular to have chapters that are under a thousand words long. Many people instantly dislike a story if the chapters have less than a thousand words.

Definitely not a bad story, nor a bad start.

Warren Peace

Warren Peace #6 · Jan 2nd, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 2: A Night to Remember ·

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Rainbow wore a dress...

I really can't imagine her dressing up for a date. I'd much more expect her to go 'casual,' seeing as she isn't the type of mare to like playing dress-up. Then again, I'm not ruler of the universe so carry on.

“Berry Punch’s sounds like a good idea. Let’s go.”

I especially can't see Dash dressing up for a trip to the local bar. Maybe a five star bar in Canterlot, or a super fancy restaurant, but a local bar? Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems a bit OOC for Dash.

“I’LL HAVE A DOUBLE VODKA ON THE ROCKS! WHAT ABOUT YOU LYRA?” “OH, I’LL JUST HAVE A GIN AND TONIC PLEASE.” “OKAY, A GIN AND TONIC AS WELL.”

TOO MUCH CAPSLOCK! TRY DOING IT THIS WAY:

[new paragraph]“I'll have a double vodka on the rocks!" Dash yelled over the blaring music, turning to her date, she asked, " What about you, Lyra?”
“Oh, I'll just have a gin and tonic, please!” Lyra yelled back.
“Okay, a gin and tonic as well!” Dash repeated to the bartender.

Much less RAPE on the eyes.

As to the sex scene...talk about ten seconds flat. Along with much of the rest, a lot of this seemed very fast-paced (and not in the good way). It wasn't as descriptive as it could have been, you could easily pull a three thousand word chapter out of this if you slowed down and threw in more details.

I'd give advice on the sex scene, but that stuff isn't exactly my forte. All I can offer is that you're not anatomically accurate.

Solar_eclipse

Solar_eclipse #7 · Jan 2nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 2: A Night to Remember ·

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Verry good! please continue!

Mariacheat-Brony

Mariacheat-Brony #8 · Jan 7th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3: The Morning After ·

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a little bit too quick on the "infinite love side" but otherwise the story is quite all right

StormtrooperSteven1

StormtrooperSteven1 #9 · Jan 7th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3: The Morning After ·

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I am liking the way this story is progressing.

Listie The Scribe Maid

Listie The Scribe Maid #10 · Jan 12th, 2013 · · · Chapter 4: Night Terrors ·

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(Joke) Alt. Title: The Pairing Of Our Dash: In Which Rainbow Dash Gets Shipped Yet Again
Wait... According to my twisted fanfiction, Rainbow Dash is blind and Lyra's in a wheel chair. How's this gonna- Oh...

DJ-LUN3RDA5H

DJ-LUN3RDA5H #11 · Jan 12th, 2013 · · · Chapter 4: Night Terrors ·

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Good story idea but you need to work on your writing a bit try to get a prereader to help it helped me a lot with my story though i kinda feel the story is being rushed try to put more details into it make us see the world in your story keep it up and you could really have something great here

Dinokid11