Really good start! can't wait to see how it progresses!

/good job my friend

shes gonna have to tell applejack!
AJ'S reaction:

Rainbow wore a dress...

I really can't imagine her dressing up for a date. I'd much more expect her to go 'casual,' seeing as she isn't the type of mare to like playing dress-up. Then again, I'm not ruler of the universe so carry on.

“Berry Punch’s sounds like a good idea. Let’s go.”

I especially can't see Dash dressing up for a trip to the local bar. Maybe a five star bar in Canterlot, or a super fancy restaurant, but a local bar? Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems a bit OOC for Dash.

“I’LL HAVE A DOUBLE VODKA ON THE ROCKS! WHAT ABOUT YOU LYRA?” “OH, I’LL JUST HAVE A GIN AND TONIC PLEASE.” “OKAY, A GIN AND TONIC AS WELL.”

TOO MUCH CAPSLOCK! TRY DOING IT THIS WAY:

[new paragraph]“I'll have a double vodka on the rocks!" Dash yelled over the blaring music, turning to her date, she asked, " What about you, Lyra?”
“Oh, I'll just have a gin and tonic, please!” Lyra yelled back.
“Okay, a gin and tonic as well!” Dash repeated to the bartender.

Much less RAPE on the eyes.

As to the sex scene...talk about ten seconds flat. Along with much of the rest, a lot of this seemed very fast-paced (and not in the good way). It wasn't as descriptive as it could have been, you could easily pull a three thousand word chapter out of this if you slowed down and threw in more details.

I'd give advice on the sex scene, but that stuff isn't exactly my forte. All I can offer is that you're not anatomically accurate.

Verry good! please continue!