Really enjoying this story so far, each part is very well written. Looking forward to the last 2 days with Fluttershy and Dash and then seeing who he ends up with in the end. (Not really a huge shocker to me in my opinion, got a pretty good idea )
Haha keep it up! You are keeping me at the edge of my seat all the time. You combine the past perfectly with the future and it has meaning behind it. I'll wait till the end to give your rating but right now it stands 5/5. Good work.
Exciting! I'm wondering what you're gonna do for Fluttershy's part now, though... would seem a bit weird if you just continue in the same vein as the chapters before this one. After all, this is THE chapter where... I? You? The main guy? changes his ways
Some more constructive criticism I came up with while reading the new chapter:
Try to avoid using adverbs and summaries as much as possible. They're both particularly egregious cases of telling a story and not showing one. For instance, instead of just saying "You are surprised by Twilight's bluntness," (a statement which is ironically blunt in itself), show us why "you" are surprised. Have him open his eyes wide or do a double-take or mutter "O...kay...." or something like that. It gives the reader more detail to go on make them feel like they're actually watching an event unfold instead of just having someone telling it to them later.
Also, while you do follow the golden rule of not having more than one person speaking in any given paragraph, you're taking it a bit too far. You have way too many one-line paragraphs of speech-action-speech-action in rapid succession. It's not as bad as the dreaded "wall of text", but at times, the scenes read less like a story and more like a script for a TV show or movie, which is not recommended for a text-based fiction. Don't be scared to have someone perform an action while they're talking in the same paragraph.
Lastly, you're still having issues with speaker identity confusion. I counted at least three separate occasions where I had no idea who was talking until at least couple lines later, something you don't want to force the reader to do. I understand you not wanting to break up the flow of dialogue with lots of "said Rainbow" portions, but I'm afraid it's a necessary evil whenever you begin a conversation between two characters, and especially whenever you have more than two people talking in one scene.
I apologize if this comes off as critical, but keep in mind I'm only offering suggestions on how to improve your writing. After all, how can you get better as a writer if nobody tells you where you can do better?
I luv this story so much I can relate to the main character because for the most part I'm the same way. Great chapter almost made me cry I can't wait for the next update.
Some things launch me out of the experience at warp nine, ala the 'believe in urself!' BS they have been spoon feeding anyone under the age of eighteen for years. But, I'm a freak and hate myself more than should be legally allowed. The no sexual ordeal thing sort of irks me, but it fits the story somewhat. In other words, keep being awesome so I may realize how much I actually suck.
@Ferote: Me to... what the heck is up with that? I don't even where a watch. @ Captain-n00b: Have faith in me sir. I have a plan. @TimeBomb0: Don't worry dude, I need more people like you. To address you concerns, I know that adverbs are lazy writing, and I'm trying to get myself out of it. I'll work on my dialogue problems. They way I've been doing dialouge will probably continue in this story for the sake of continuity, but for future stories I will definitely address the problem. And I'll also work on making sure people know who's talking.
Do you have an editor looking over your stories? I don't wanna be a grammar nazi or anything but I've noticed a few mistakes here and there. Just be sure to look it over a few times or have someone else check it.
i've really enjoyed this story so far and i don't notice grammer and i really am having fun reading this. really good job at the moment. also i can't wait for the flutter shy chapter.
225772 For making sure the reader knows who's talking, you can check out my stories to see what I did for that exact reason. If you end up doing it, just make sure you gimme some credit for the idea.
Huh, I normally avoid humanised stories and was wary of the potential for a 'harem' plot line, but you have pleasantly surprised me with both quality and direction. Here's hoping for more.
428500 heck, I'll try. I was never one for reading fanfics until MLP came along and now I can't get enough of stories, especially ones like these! BRAVO good sir! Please give us the next bit of your genius!!!
It started off good, but these past few chapters seem a bit cheesy or silly in a sense. Might just be me. I don't hate them, but they just seemed a bit off to me. I'll keep reading, though.
Finally updated. Sorry it took so long
Really enjoying this story so far, each part is very well written. Looking forward to the last 2 days with Fluttershy and Dash and then seeing who he ends up with in the end. (Not really a huge shocker to me in my opinion, got a pretty good idea )
This is a great story! You need to update soon!
Haha keep it up! You are keeping me at the edge of my seat all the time. You combine the past perfectly with the future and it has meaning behind it. I'll wait till the end to give your rating but right now it stands 5/5. Good work.
Y CAN NOTHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN 2 MEE!?
I think a lot of us could use some of this Twilight, or all the Mane Cast in our lives.
reflexively checking your wrist for a watch that isn't their
I do that all the time
224013:yes....indeed.
Exciting! I'm wondering what you're gonna do for Fluttershy's part now, though... would seem a bit weird if you just continue in the same vein as the chapters before this one. After all, this is THE chapter where... I? You? The main guy? changes his ways
Ah great story so far it really is great.
and as always a well done chapter.
Some more constructive criticism I came up with while reading the new chapter:
Try to avoid using adverbs and summaries as much as possible. They're both particularly egregious cases of telling a story and not showing one. For instance, instead of just saying "You are surprised by Twilight's bluntness," (a statement which is ironically blunt in itself), show us why "you" are surprised. Have him open his eyes wide or do a double-take or mutter "O...kay...." or something like that. It gives the reader more detail to go on make them feel like they're actually watching an event unfold instead of just having someone telling it to them later.
Also, while you do follow the golden rule of not having more than one person speaking in any given paragraph, you're taking it a bit too far. You have way too many one-line paragraphs of speech-action-speech-action in rapid succession. It's not as bad as the dreaded "wall of text", but at times, the scenes read less like a story and more like a script for a TV show or movie, which is not recommended for a text-based fiction. Don't be scared to have someone perform an action while they're talking in the same paragraph.
Lastly, you're still having issues with speaker identity confusion. I counted at least three separate occasions where I had no idea who was talking until at least couple lines later, something you don't want to force the reader to do. I understand you not wanting to break up the flow of dialogue with lots of "said Rainbow" portions, but I'm afraid it's a necessary evil whenever you begin a conversation between two characters, and especially whenever you have more than two people talking in one scene.
I apologize if this comes off as critical, but keep in mind I'm only offering suggestions on how to improve your writing. After all, how can you get better as a writer if nobody tells you where you can do better?
I luv this story so much I can relate to the main character because for the most part I'm the same way. Great chapter almost made me cry I can't wait for the next update.
Some things launch me out of the experience at warp nine, ala the 'believe in urself!' BS they have been spoon feeding anyone under the age of eighteen for years. But, I'm a freak and hate myself more than should be legally allowed. The no sexual ordeal thing sort of irks me, but it fits the story somewhat. In other words, keep being awesome so I may realize how much I actually suck.
@Ferote: Me to... what the heck is up with that? I don't even where a watch.
@ Captain-n00b: Have faith in me sir. I have a plan.
@TimeBomb0: Don't worry dude, I need more people like you. To address you concerns, I know that adverbs are lazy writing, and I'm trying to get myself out of it. I'll work on my dialogue problems. They way I've been doing dialouge will probably continue in this story for the sake of continuity, but for future stories I will definitely address the problem. And I'll also work on making sure people know who's talking.
Do you have an editor looking over your stories? I don't wanna be a grammar nazi or anything but I've noticed a few mistakes here and there. Just be sure to look it over a few times or have someone else check it.
i've really enjoyed this story so far and i don't notice grammer and i really am having fun reading this. really good job at the moment.
also i can't wait for the flutter shy chapter.
225772
For making sure the reader knows who's talking, you can check out my stories to see what I did for that exact reason. If you end up doing it, just make sure you gimme some credit for the idea.
24+ hours without sleep. Make one last check in email. "7 Days in Heaven has updated!".....
Sleep can wait for a while...
amazing! i just have 1 problem....... wheres spike
rainbow dash is fuckin sexy!
This is an excellent Second-Person Humanized fanfic. I greatly look forward to the next chapters.
Loving this fic, can't wait for more.
You doing good, mate? Last update was a couple of weeks ago.
~Jack
Please sir, can we have an update?
I am throwing money at the screen but nothing is happening!
Huh, I normally avoid humanised stories and was wary of the potential for a 'harem' plot line, but you have pleasantly surprised me with both quality and direction. Here's hoping for more.
He's not responding and he's online frequently. Don't worry guys, the author is coming up with something good.
346163
I damn well hope so...
...So, any news on an update? I mean, the story's almost over.
FINISH IT :C
371101
Nope...no news yet...
I dont intend to rush art, but please, do hurry I really love this so far and i can hardly wait for another part :DD
403464
405411
418171
Anyone up for tracking his IP address and hunting him down? 'Cause by this point I sure as hell am.
428500
heck, I'll try. I was never one for reading fanfics until MLP came along and now I can't get enough of stories, especially ones like these!
BRAVO good sir! Please give us the next bit of your genius!!!
Wow. just wow!!
this story is incredibly well written. it makes me feel good about myself, the words that are put into this.
cdn.gifbay.com/2012/12/wave_of_feels-18739.gif
(nods appreciatively) Not bad, not bad...a little self-deprecating for me but pretty well done all the same.
It started off good, but these past few chapters seem a bit cheesy or silly in a sense. Might just be me. I don't hate them, but they just seemed a bit off to me. I'll keep reading, though.