Drynwhyl
Joined 3rd Dec, 2012 ·
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Good random comedies are fun, and you're obviously a fun guy, so this story was inherently good. The Old Spice joke actually wasn't that intrusive, which gets a lot of points from me; the transition into it was handled pretty well, and Shining's ultimate disregard of the whole deal was excellent. The situational comedy is there, and you work with it well.
There's a bit too much synonym-love with "coma" in the beginning. You can switch between two, three at the most, synonyms and not sound like you're repeating yourself too much. It's not bad to use synonyms, but I don't want to stop reading and look up "torpor."
When you described Shining's will to live "escaping into the biting morning cold," it confused me. It took me a while to remember that this was happening in the throne room, and even after that I was questioning why a biting morning cold would be felt in a likely well-insulated location. (Never mind the fact that it's shown at the end that it's 11:30 AM, although Celestia could just be lying for comedic effect in that case.)
"...partake in industrial action when you've got nobody to answer to." Sorry, but ponies do say "nopony" and whatnot in the show; I personally don't care which you use, but expect criticism from others.
Your use of mince in "mincing about the throne room shouting muffled slogans" is correct, but you may confuse readers because the primary definition of mince is "to slice or chop." Again, I don't mind that much, but other readers might.
"The crushing, unadulterated force with which Shining Armor's brain slammed onto his face an expression of surprise so profound is impossible to fathom." You might want to switch around "an expression of surprise" and "onto his face," as well as strike "so profound," to make the sentence flow better, particularly because the sentence is the crux of the fanfiction.
The last thing isn't really a critique so much as it is something I noticed, but you are very obviously British.
Overall, I liked the attitudes of all the characters present, and your humour was very good. I'd give you a 4/5, but that can be easily improved. Good show!
1878782
Haha, I wasn't expecting a critique of this thing but I really appreciate it! Especially you catching the fuckup I made with nobody/pony. I guess that sort of thing happens when you bang a chapter out in like an hour or so. I'm glad you liked it.
1878893 No problem! Sorry if I seemed a bit intrusive on things, but when I point out mistakes, usually those are the only things I can find wrong with it.
1878954
Nah mate, it's all good. It's always helpful when people point out mistakes. It's the only way to learn and improve, after all.
Mincing didn't trip me up but i admit to having an odd vocabulary. The thing that sort of confused me was why she was carrying it in her mouth rather than her wings or magic.
Looks cute, hope to see more.
1894460
Equestrian law dictates that picketing may only be done by mouth.