Communication

by awesomekik

Chapter 1

It was a normal day for the Wonderbolts as they were performing at the Grand Galloping Gala, which was their last performance in the season.

Once they finished up, the crew went to the shower room to congratulate themselves for a great performance and season, and talked about how excited they were about their vacation and their plans.

Except Soarin’.

He wasn’t saying anything and looked sorta strange. Maybe sad. No one noticed. Not one single person. And that made it sadder.

He casually walked out without even a drop of water touching his skin, saying “I have things to do. I’ll shower at my house.”

When Soarin’ finally got to his house he sat down and read Cloudsdale Daily. He decided he wanted to go out for a fly before he takes his first nap of vacation. But when he opens the door he finds no other than…

“Spitfire?” Soarin’ said in confusion as the orange Pegasus was ruffling her wings which had gone out of shape during her flight here.

“Hey, Soarin’,” said Spitfire, with a look of… Soarin’ couldn’t tell. “I saw you in the shower room earlier. Whats wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Soarin’ lied, not wanting to tell Spitfire about his personal issues.

“Come on. I thought we had a pretty close relationship. At least close enough as to be able to tell problems to one another and try and solve them,” Spitfire said, not wanting this stallion; this specific stallion; not to feel bad about himself.

“Fine,” Soarin’ had finally given up on resisting Spitfire. “I… I… I’ve always… had a… a…. crush on you.”

Those last three words filled Spitfire with joy and happiness as she had the same feelings about him, ever since the day they met during the Young Flyer’s competition Soarin’ entered. Soarin’ was trespassing on the training course after hours on the day before the show. Spitfire, at first sight, knew that they would be the best of friends, and so she, instead of reporting him, helped him practice. He was grateful that Spitfire in person was this nice, as most celebrities are full-headed and think they can use the power of ‘famousness’ to conquer anything.

But not Spitfire.

She helped him get through the course in record time by giving motivational speeches, which he absorbed like fingers in a warm bath too long. Soarin’ had never forgotten that day, nor did Spitfire. They had crushes on each other, but considering how Soarin’ met her, he didn’t think she would accept him. In the case of Spitfire, however, was the fact that she thought Soarin’ would reject her for she was famous, or he might take advantage of her because she was famous. But now, they knew each other better. Now, they trust each other. Now, they saw something about themselves… No… Themselves together. That day, they were alone. They could confess.

To their true love.

Spitfire gave Soarin’ a passionate kiss at the punctuation of those three words. Soarin’ was stunned at first, but was relieved and excited about Spitfire having the same feelings about him and that he was having his first kiss with his crush since first sight. After what felt like an eternity, Spitfire pulled away from Soarin’

Like Spitfire read Soarin’s mind she said, “That was your first kiss, wasn’t it?”

Soarin’ simply nodded in agreement because he was too excited to speak.

“Soarin’, I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for you to say those words,” Spitfire said, in a love induced haze.

“Spitfire… You’ve loved me… But never told me? Were you scared that I would think of you differently because you were famous?”

“That was one reason. The other was that I was scared that you might take advantage of my famousness, take as much as you can, and leave me. But now I know better. Now I know I can trust you with my secrets, my life, and now my heart.” Spitfire said. And she really… Really… Truly meant it.

“I feel the exact same way about you, Spitfire,” says an enlightened Soarin’ as he gets up, and kisses Spitfire passionately. All that was going on in their minds was.

Wow.

“I really wish we could’ve realized our hearts belonged to one another long ago,” Soarin’ said, sounding like a person in a romance novel.

“Yeah… Say, Soarin’, wanna catch a movie on Wednesday?” Spitfire said with enthusiasm before she got into a ready stance she usually saves for a race.

“Actually, I was wondering,” Soarin’ said, “Are we… A…. Thing now?”

Spitfire didn’t respond with words. She simply kissed him on the cheek, and knew that had gotten the point across.

To Be Continued (Report in the comments if you want to point out flaws, or want a sequel, or both.)

Comments

[awesomekik]

I know... Its bad...Its my first. I'm not a storywriter. Please give constructive criticism. FIRST COMMENT!!!

[Taranasauruso_o]

It's not bad per-say, it's just very rushed.

Romance stories have to have some form of conflict, whether it be co potion, or an unrequited love.

You need to describe feelings, actions. Give us a reason to fall in love with the couple.

Hope this helped!

[awesomekik]

132190 It really did help. Thanks. Ill try to do that in a couple other stories.

[Imagewicked]

132247 just so you know, rushing is a problem every writer encounters when they first start. but my philosophy is, every writer is the next tolkein. they just need to convince themselves so. just because it doesnt come out as you hoped does not mean you should think yourself terrible. keep on writing

- Imagewicked

[ArmourFox]

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, except, "famousness" isn't a word *Shrugpony.jpg* It's fame. But I think you've got somthing going here so keep it up!

[FiMPonify]

The writing's not all that bad, but the plot's a bit flawed. It kind of feels like the romance was rushed.
Ether way, 3.5/5

[awesomekik]

132407 Like I said in a previous comment, I'm not a storywriter. A nice person offered some lessons so I wont post a sequel until I can learn to write fanfics better.

[LCranston]

You want some advice? Here it is: SPELL IT OUT.

You spent at least three paragrahs summarizing what has already happened about tresspassing and helping and feeling, but you don't actually describe what did happen. I agree with the others that this story feels rushed. You need to slow down and take the time to actually write what you want to say.

This will make your stories much bigger to write, but it's much more satisfying for both you and your audience.

[thewaffler]

i agree with the general consensus, make it longer and make their relationship more meaningful. Conflict works: nervousness, slow build up, grave injury, something like that. I'd like to see a sequel and perhaps a more improved version of this one as well.

Peace Out.

[awesomekik]

I guess all of yous are right... I feel like... Like...

[digiguy]

Sorry to say but this sounds like a fic i had read on Fanfiction titled Pie & Pegasi. Its almost a replica of the first chapter with a good chunk of detail missing aside from the main key parts.

[awesomekik]

135043

[Johnfreemanwepon]

Oh dear, I hate to do this.
You have several instances where you use un-pony terms.
Romance was a bit rushed, one of my problems with my new fic. I fixed it because I didn't have either really admit anything that required "Immediate action or nothing" and therefore could turn the ship around. In a first chapter, you want to leave a lot of things open to questioning as adding on to it will make it more complete and having near absolute freedom is kinda nice when writing a story.

Some things I noticed that were wrong: Soarin is his name- not an abbreviation or a shortened version. It is usually not spelled Soarin'. Do what you want about this, though, it's your fic.

In conclusion, it was a great start. Try writing a chapter over and over again and see what you did right and wrong in the various versions. My "First Fic" was not my first story to be submitted for judging- try doing some short stories in your free time and giving them to friends so they can read over and critique you. Sometimes, (and by that I mean always,) the internet is a harsh judge.

[awesomekik]

149195 Well... I'm afraid you'll have to

kyon.pl/static/img/remiq.net_16970.jpg

[Silent_Witness]

You know, I have to be honest. It reminds me a lot of my own story, Belief.
That said, like the others have pointed out, it feels a bit rushed. It wouldn't have hurt to show Spitfire and Soarin' meet for the first time, you know?

[doors]

I think you could improve this story like you could go more in depth, in a lot of thing like for example:
how they met like what happened
why does soarin believe in true love? a little back round story about that part in his character is something you expand on in this story as well as add conflict in one way or another. (only if want to though)
why did spitfire think soarin would take advantage of her? (this is something you could dedicate the next chapter to, if you want that is) a back story to the source to that type of logic would interest not only me but other people as well.
I think that if you explain why soarin and spitfire were afraid of telling each other how they felt with flashbacks then you will make your story better without having to redo this first chapter.

[Zervziel]

137952 Don't worry, it's not. I've read the fic myself. As for the fic itself, as others mentioned it needs polish, but then again so does every piece of writing ever conceived. A bit of clean up will help out alot. I'd suggest doing some one shots like this to help practice as well as get the creative juices flowing.....ew.

[awesomekik]

I'm probably going to scrap this.

[awesomekik]

153909 If I did that I wrought be able to write anything that isn't straight up paraphrasing Belief, because that was the first GOOD clopfic I've ever red.

If'n your looking for better, I'veread and red and read, and I think I'm gonna write.

[awesomekik]

Just reread... Belief summed up terribly in a couple hundred words. Terrible...