The ex-friend of my ex-friend is...something

Friends of a Feather

Chapter 1: The ex-friend of my ex-friend is…something

Lightning Dust couldn’t even bring herself to go back home. All she really had there was things pertaining to the weather service job she had quit and reminders of her lifelong dream, a dream that had just come to an unceremonious and undignified end.

Now she was trotting aimlessly around the mountains. With all the boasting she did back at home there was no way she could ever show her face there again. To top things off by now the story on how her stunt involved the Element Bearers would have spread across Equestria by now. Lightning was positive that any town she would come across would try to chase her to the Badlands.

“Things can’t get any worse…” she moaned inwardly.

Then an apple hit her head.

“Ha, ha, ha, what a dweeb!”

Lightning Dust’s melancholy had vanished and was replaced with anger as she turned to face the mocker and she found a female Griffin wearing purple eye shadow.

“Hey pony why the long face? Ha, ha, ha!”

“I do NOT need this!” said Lightning Dust. “A Pegasus I thought was cool had just cost me my only shot at being a Wonderbolt and having fruit thrown at me is not helping!”

The griffin smirked. “I’d say she did you a favor, if kept you out of the Wonderdolts.”

“How can you say that?!?”

“I use my beak.”

“The Wonderbolts are the best!”

“No they only take the best and parade them around in stupid outfits. I mean in the last three years what have they really done? They got knocked out by a unicorn they were trying to save and needed rescuing themselves, a gala crashed down around them while they panicked, they got trapped by a dragon like bugs in a jar and they didn’t lift a hoof when Pegasi were risking injury to bring your Cloudsdale rainwater.”

“And you would have done something about all that?”

“Why would I? I know I’m awesome and that’s all that matters, if you need to join some lamers to prove yourself then you’ve got nothing to prove. Those who know they’re the best don’t need to prove it to anyone.”

Lightning Dust reached into her saddle bag and pulled out her most prized possession, a very old action figure of Blue Blazer the mare who was the leader of the Wonderbolts when she was a filly, her inspiration. Everything the Griffin was saying had struck a chord. Kicked out, cast aside for what? Being reckless, standing out, in other words being herself. The other foals laughed at her when she said she’d be a Wonderbolt, her parents always kept saying that she should keep her expectations realistic. She wanted to show them all and what did it get her, a broken dream and a wasted life.
Lightning Dust was starting to look at her hero differently, she was known for being a leader but now Dust just saw her as a mare needing to stand on the shoulders of others. She began to see the same of Spitfire and even less of Soarin, Fleetfoot, Rapidfire, Rainbow Dash and all the rest. If she had to give up being herself to join the likes of them was it ever worth it?

“If you’re so good what do you do?”

The Griffin flew down to her and began circling Lighting Dust on the ground. “Whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, however I want to whoever I want. Flight isn’t sticking to some rules to get the petty accolades of losers. Flight is freedom, the freedom to go anywhere, to push the limit until it breaks, to stop and take it all in and if you don’t fly for only yourself then you might as well not have wings at all.”

Lightning Dust dropped the doll which broke into pieces on the ground. The childhood keepsake that was only hours ago her most prized possession now meant less than nothing, the dream that was denied her was now a shackle that lay broken.

“I want in, I’m sick of dreaming being an idol to a bunch of snot nosed brats, I’m sick of wanting to be a just another face in a smaller herd. I want to live like you, answer only to myself and buck everypony else! From now on this bird flies solo!”

The Griffin smirked. “You remind a lot of a so-called friend before she got all lame, Name’s Gilda.”

“Lightning Dust.”

“Ok Dust, from now on you and I are our own squadron! It will be just you and me against the world! If we want to do something we do it, if there’s something we want we just take it and if anyone gets in our way we walk over them!”

“That actually sounds like fun.”

They both took off and soared over Equestria. For some reason the sky seemed more open to Lightning Dust, like she spent her whole life flying in a box, now those walls had fallen. Spitfire said being a Wonderbolt was about pushing yourself in the right direction, now that she abandoned her crushed dream she could now push herself in all directions with nopony to say no. Gilda was right, flight was freedom and Lightning swore to herself then and there she would never follow anypony’s rules ever again.

“Yeah this is more like it! Don’t hold back and look out for number one!”

“Then look behind you because here comes number one!” Gilda said. The Griffin caught up from behind and clipped her passing.

Dust shook off the hit after a second and caught up. “Did you just hit me?!”

“Rule number one: there are no rules. If that bothers you go back to pushing clouds or something.”

Dust then kicked a nearby rock face causing a landslide that Gilda had to slow down to avoid.

“Are you crazy?!”

“Rule number one: there are no rules,” Lightning Dust said with a wink. “So what else you got?”

“Stick with me Dust, this is only the beginning.”

In Ponyville Rainbow Dash was showing a poster to her friends. “Cloud Cover is the most experienced, reliable and maybe even the most skilled of the Wonderbolts and now she’s hanging up her flight suit for good…”

“Oh Dash I’m so sorry,” said Fluttershy.

“Isn’t it great?! There can only be sixteen Wonderbolts and with Cloud Cover retiring to help with her grandfoals I’m a shoe-in to get her spot!”

“Way to keep things in perspective,” groaned Rarity.

“Oh you know what this calls for?” said Pinkie Pie. “A party!”

“You may want to hold off for a little Pinkie. The Wonderbolts will be coming here in couple of weeks so Cloud Cover can hoof over her position to the newest Wonderbolt, yours truly so the party would about twenty percent cooler if you threw it then.”

“Are you sure they’re going to ask you?” said Applejack.

“After how awesome I was at the Academy? It’s not like anypony else could have been competition after Lightning Dust was drummed out.”

“Well it looks like the ceremony is going to be the day after that trade summit Princess Celestia is going to hold in Ponyville with the Griffin King,” said Twilight. “So it should be alright as long as the setup of for the ceremony doesn’t interfere with the negotiations I don’t see a problem.”

“Great, in two weeks all of my hard work will finally pay off! This going to be a day no-pony forgets!”

Author's Note:

Edited 1/15/13

1,796 views

Comments ( 11 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 11
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Awesomedude17

Awesomedude17 #1 · Dec 17th, 2012 · · ·

Nice concept. I'm watching.

Alex Warlorn

Alex Warlorn #2 · Dec 17th, 2012 · · ·

Too bad I'm trying to avoid stories that contain season 3 spoilers, otherwise I'd be DYING to read this.

Aves Dominari

Aves Dominari #3 · Dec 17th, 2012 · 1 · ·

*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Just for the record, 1815723, a concept isn't worth shit without execution. Don't get me wrong; I'm here because Gilda (and to a lesser extent Lightning Dust) is best pony, but no matter how original a concept for a story is a poor execution will fuck it up. If concepts were stories I'd be one of the best authors on the site ;P

With her dreams of becoming a wonderbolt broken Lightning Dust runs into Gilda, who goes on to mock the Wonderbolts and boast about how she doesn't need to follow anyone's rules or live up to anyones expectations. Lightning Dust decides that she would rather betray her broken dream and live like Gilda does and so the two set off together to do whatever they want.
But as thier antics get more and more dangerous, Rainbow Dash goes to confront her former friends and stop them from hurting anypony else. But when Dust puts down the Wonderbolts by insulting Princess Celestia Dash challenges them both to race to determine if they have to go with her to face punishment or she was to let them go. However Dust and Gilda decide to raise the stakes considerably.
Can Dash win even if she's distrubed by a recent revelation? Is it even possible to reach the former friends turned thugs before their actions put everypony and themselves in danger? And how does Twilight Sparkle and her studies connect to all of it? The answers to all of these questions will be revealed.

Alright, I say this a lot, but a description needs to do two things. It needs to let readers know what the story is about, and it needs to make them want to read the story. Nothing more. Yours is a case of going above and beyond; you don't need three paragraphs to get the premise of the story across. A lengthy and in-depth description won't bring readers in, so let's see if we can trim it down to something more manageable. For example...

After her rejection at the hooves of the Wonderbolts, Lightning Dust finds a kindred soul in the form of Gilda the griffin. As the two grow close and get in ever-escalating trouble, Rainbow Dash takes it upon herself to stop her ex-friends before they end up hurting somepony.

Short, sweet, and to the point. Your bulky three paragraphs have been reduced to a few sentences that conveys the idea of your story across, and combined with your interesting concept it should be enough to draw in some readers. By no means do you have to use my exact words, but something along those lines will be a vast improvement.

The ex-friend of my ex-friend is...something

Now, something that strikes me right off the bat is your word count. I know that FiMFiction has a minimum of 1k words, but 1k is a pathetic amount. Any chapter worth writing should have a minimum of 2k words, and a good ballpark is 3k. A bare thousand words isn't enough to hold the interest of many readers.

There's the odd grammar error here and there; a proofreader might help you catch them.

Now, I like the interaction between Gilda and Dust, and with a bit of work I think it can come across as pretty believable. The way they meet, though... what's Gilda doing throwing apples at pegasi in the mountains? Why not have Dust drown her sorrows in a bar and run into Gilda there? The only thing that needs real work is the setup, I think. Take your time setting the scene, and try not to rush things.

And so it is, with these two together can things only get worse? What will happen if they run into Rainbow Dash?

Oh... way to end on a bad note ;P Questions like these are only annoying; the reader should already be asking themselves this.

tl;dr version: With some work this will turn out great.

- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer

Richforce

Richforce #4 · Dec 17th, 2012 · · ·

1815902

I keep thinking that the short description goes up and the long one is what the guys who approve it reads, will change to match short.

The short word count was because I was hoping to do a number short chapters so I can work around some other projects I'm working on. Mostly I wanted the first chapter done so I could have something, will revisit.

The scene was supoosed to show that Gilda had mostly been a drifter herself, the kind of lifestyle she would be championing through all of this and it would have been a chance meeting. Look at at the bright side, I almsot put Dust on a certain rock farm...

As for the last, part couldn't think of anything better to put in the author's notes and wanted to try out the feature, it will be gone.

L4 #5 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · ·

could been done better... seems a bit fast pace, jarring really.

LD X3 I can't wait for more fics of her!

immblueversion

immblueversion #6 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · ·

1815837 Are you not watching season 3 period, or at least not until a certain time? I mean, I know you're behind the Pony POV Series, which seems very season 2-centric, but just how much of season 3 have you (not) seen?

mbpony 512

mbpony 512 #7 · Apr 28th, 2013 · · ·

I have to admit that Gilda does make some sense in her wordings of the Wonderbolts as of late...I mean when you think of it that way...

Nice idea. Please do keep putting up the good work upon such a great tale like this one.

zsewqthewolf

zsewqthewolf #8 · Aug 9th, 2013 · · ·

this is good, i hope you update more.

Also Gilda have a point if you are good you don't have to point it out to everyone, even tho she mean she know what living life is. Sure i'll be happy if she was nicer but how gilda point out in this fic is right we keep on showing what we are good at but we don't have to, just like the 7 deadly sins. pride is one of them.

And Rainbow fit the bill all to will, Gilda and Dust have almost no pride of showing off and stuff like that so my gusse is they be fin but rainbow need to know when to stop being a bicth all am saying

zsewqthewolf