Arrival
The train slowed as it reached its final stop. Steam rose from engine and a low hiss rang through the must air of the station. The cabin doors opened and ponies, unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies alike, began to bustle out in a mad rush. The place they were in was named ponyville, a very fitting name for a village full of ponies, a small village near the outskirts of equestria. With thatched cottages and dirt paths, it wasnt the most culturally advanced place in equestria, though it was home to the elements of harmony.
Of all the trains passengers, one sat there, waiting patiently for all others to pass and his name was Silent Night. He was a black pegasus with a black mane that had a single silver streak going through its centre while his left eye was covered by his mane and his right eye had a scar going across it. His eyes were gold.
Silent Night finally got off his seat, picked up the book he was reading 'How to Kill by Dark Light' and a small saddle bag, and made for the nearest door to him. The suns rays violently assaulted his eyes for several seconds as he was too used to the darkness. He stepped out and began to trot to the exit of the station when a pink face, with an unnaturally large smile plastered on, launched itself into his.
"Areyounewwellihaven'tseenyoubeforeandyoujustcamebytrainsoyoumustbe,hiimpinkiepie!yaiamgoingtothrowyouawelcometoponyvillepartyandimgoingtoinviteeveryone.anywaywhatisyourna..."
"Please just get out of my way" asked Silent,in a strong stalliongrad accent, before pushing past her and walking out of the station. As he wondered around the streets, he asked a large, red earth pony for directions to the nearest café which happened to be right in front of him. A sign that read 'Sugarcube Corner' hung above the door and the building and the surrounding area smelt delectably of cakes and other sweet treats. He went up to the counter and ordered a latte. Five minutes later when he had paid for the hot beverage, he sat down on one of the sofas near the back of the room, places his latte on a small side table that was next to the sofa, took out his book and began reading.
Just then two ponies, an earth pony and a unicorn, walked in. One was the pink pony from earlier.
"Yeah twilight, he was really mean and pushed right past me!"
"This pony sounds like a mean one from your description pinkie. But you havent said what he looked like yet." But just then pinkie gasped
"Twilight! Thats him over there!" And pinkies left hoof was raised in the direction of Silent Night, who was blissfully unaware and still sipping his latte while finishing the twenty eighth chapter of his book.
"Im sure he's not that bad pinkie pie, i'll go talk to him. Ok?" Pinkie nodded and twilight went over to Silent's table.
"Hello."
"Yes?" Silent didnt even look up from his book
"Well...I just wanted to welcome you to ponyville"
"Look if i wanted to be welcomed, i would have joined the welcome greetings club, so please go away." And at that, twilight slumped off back to pinkie pie.
"You were right pinkie, he is mean."
"I told ya!"
"All right, lets just try to avoid him"
After several hours of reading, he finished the seventy third chapter of his book. He left some bits on the table for the one who collected his latte glass. He walked to the town centre to ask for time with the mayor. He had to wait half an hour but finally got in.
"So mr. Silent, what brings you to ponyville?" Wondered the mayor while pouring a glass of cider.
"Well...i came to get away from the busy city life of stalliongrad and to start a new in the country."
"I see, why did you request to see me if i may ask"
"I was wondering if there was any houses or cottages that were up for sale."
"Well your in luck. We've go a cottage next to the sports field and race track for only two thousand three hundred and fifty bits."
"Sounds reasonable... here is the cost of the cottage." Silent handed over two thousand three hundred and fifty bits to the mayor, signed the paperwork needed and set off to his new home.
He reached his home after ten minutes of buying it. It was a nice cottage, very small compared to most yet it was better that an apartment. He emptied his saddle bags and put his things he designated them for. He promised himself he would go out and buy some furniture. He spent an hour or so putting his things away and then he decided to go out to have a look at the sports field outside when he noticed a large congregation of people and so he went to see what was going on.
"Did you really do a sonic rainboom?"
"Of coarse i did! Im rainbow dash, the fastest flier in all of equestria." Silent spoke up
"Ha!" Everypony turned to see where the sarcastic laugh had come from, to see Silent Night looking at one of his raise hoofs
"And who are you?" Asked rainbow dash angrily
"Oh...me? Well... im the pony who performed the thunder boom, its like a sonic rainboom but im the only one who's ever done it. But you wouldnt know that because i dont like to brag. Because if you brag and then get proved wrong, its a whole lot worse."
"Your point is...?"
"I challenge you to a race." Silent thought to himself what are you doing? You haven't even been here a day and your already challenging somepony to a race
"Challenge accepted" smirked rainbow confidently.
Rainbow and Silent lined up on the starting track. A unicorn stood in front of them with a flag held high.
"First one to do three laps wins, got it" Silent nodded and prepared his wings.
"Three, two, one." The unicorn dropped the flag "Go!" They both set off with tremendous speed, neck and neck with one another but Silent began to pull ahead. First lap done. Rainbow caught up but began to look tired. Second lap done. Silent was now ahead by at least two meters now and rainbow was losing ground and as soon as Silent Night reached the finish line, a thunder boom went off, sending a grey streak of energy soar through the sky in a circular angle. He landed with a slight skid and had begun to dust himself down when rainbow dash had crossed the finish line.
"That... was... uncalled... for..." panted rainbow dash to Silent
"Your a good sport" everypony present, including rainbow dash, began to cheer his name as he began to walk off.
When he was gone somepony asked aloud
"What was his name?" And that sentence started murmurs in the crowd and rainbow just muttered to herself "wow"
Silent lay on the cold, wooden floor of his bedroom as he had no bed. He relived the memories of the past day before drifting into an uncomfortable sleep.
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"Of all the trains passengers, one sat there, waiting patiently for all others to pass and his name was Silent Night."
This doesn't sound right, maybe like this.
"As all the trains passengers got up to get off the train one in particular remained seated, waiting paitentaly for all the other ponies to pass. He was a black pegasus with a black mane that had a single silver streak going through its center. His eyes were gold, his left eye was covered by his mane and his right eye had a scar going across it. His name was Silent Night.
It's a good start. It could use some work ... wait what. this is a romance? O snap, didn't even see the romance tag. I KNOW WHO IT IS.
Be careful of mixing up 'your' and 'you're', it can make it a bit difficult to understand what you are saying.
I'd go through again and make sure all of the names are capitalised. For example:
Rainbow Dash should be capitalised. You also missed a period, after 'Silent'.
On to the actual story. While I can accept that a pony would find Pinkie Pie grating, I'm not sure about Twilight immediately deciding that he was mean after he rebuffed her. While Twilight isn't the best pony for social skills, she does understand reading, and that interrupting someone when they're muzzle deep in a good book isn't always welcome.
It's also kind of funny how he just lurks at Sugar Cube corner for hours, for no particular reason. Why would he stay there? Had he previously made an appointment with the mayor, and he was just killing time?
Why is the mayor a real estate agent? She has enough to do, running a town the size of Ponyville. It is also odd that he would have the exact right amount of bits on him. Where was he keeping that many bits? Maybe he should have bought more at Sugar Cube Corner, to recompense the owners for him taking up a table for hours. He sure nursed that latte!
If he is 'weary' (or did you mean 'wary'?), I don't see why Silent would challenge Rainbow Dash to a race. That's hardly keeping a low profile! And I don't see why he would disbelieve her claim of doing a rainboom, as she's done it multiple times by this point. If you want him to come off as impulsive, you need to establish that.
Having your OC beat one of the fastest ponies in all of Equestria is a bit much, though. And having a special move that only he can do pushes him dangerously into Gary Stu territory... And then having one of the main cast fall for him pushes him even more...
Not saying that it can't happen, you just need to establish more than you have so far. I don't know who Silent Night is, I only know that he's running from something because I read the description at the start of the fic.
I like Blue Thunder's suggestion on how to fix the opening, it reads much smoother.
1807735 I'm tackeling you first, i will move on to someone else after.
This s a valid point but i wish to add my opinion. What if she read the title and knows what it's about? It doesn't exactly sound like a friendly book.
I believe it is stated somewhere that he is from another country. Maybe news hasn't spread that far.
Now on to the next person.
1807368 I thought this comment was rude and unnecessary seeing as it does nothing to help the writer improve the story.
At least 1807361 has SOMETHING constructive in his comment (even though i think he was a little rough as well.)
1809051
That is absolutely true! Unfortunately, I won't assume that unless you tell me. I think that would be a nice moment, Twilight being confused as to why this stallion was completely ignoring her, then noticing the title of the book, and being put off. It might also intrigue her a bit in Silent Night, but would definitely give her a reason to warn Pinkie away from this particular pony until she's done a bit of research on him.
Which is possible, I suppose, but fairly unlikely as it was one of the set pieces at the royal wedding. Unless it's in another country, there will be coverage like you won't believe! Remember when Prince William got married? I'm not sure where you're actually from, but if you were anywhere within the Commonwealth, there were television specials and magazines and even a poster or two.
Perhaps he disbelieves that he randomly met the pony who could do a rainboom, just outside of his house in Ponyville? What are the odds? Though the coverage would probably mention that they were the bearers of the elements, if he wasn't actually reading it, he probably wouldn't know.
Maybe he is critical of Rainbow Dash, and maybe he does scoff a little, but perhaps he keeps it quiet because he doesn't want to make a scene. He is a fugitive, after all!
Here is my suggestion, to help with the Gary Stu elements of your character. Perhaps, rather than having already done this mythical new thing, he is chasing after it. You did mention that he was from another country, there's no reason that they wouldn't have their own tradition of the Rainboom.
Rather than have him immediately challenge Rainbow Dash to a contest (and then winning), what if he was working for the weather ponies, and he was teamed up with Dash so she could show him around Ponyville? She's competitive, you could probably figure out a way for her to decide to 'test the new ponies' talents' and then they could race.
Maybe she decides to go easy on him, as just blowing past someone doesn't really let you do much to test their speed. Then she's surprised at how fast he actually is, and she eventually needs to try to beat him. And then she wins.
Now he's angry, because if he is indeed chasing this Thunder Boom, he'd know that he needs to be faster, and here's a pony who's faster! Maybe he's also a little pleased, because now here's a challenge for him, to help him improve his speed. And Rainbow is also impressed, because here's a pony who will actually push her to her limit and force her to get better.
They could then hang out together far more, and it would seem plausible. This would let the whole romance thing blossom between the two a little more naturally.
Meanwhile, Twilight would be getting concerned over that book that she saw him reading, and alarmed that Rainbow was spending so much time with Silent Night. There's some more conflict!
I don't know that this should happen all on the first day, though. Perhaps Silent Night and Dash have been teamed up for a few days, and he's starting to learn the ropes, and now she's going to test him.
I don't know if any of this fits in with your planned story! I was just thinking about it a little this morning, and here are some of my thoughts.
If nothing else, though, I'd suggest you go through and format your story properly. Make sure everything is capitalised properly, and you're using proper punctuation. Separate the paragraphs so there is space between each, otherwise it starts to look like a wall of text. Perhaps you need to find a beta, somewhere on the forums?
F'r instance:
Things I've changed are in bold. My browser spell check was catching most of these. P:
1809220 There are so many maybes. He could disapprove of mass media and not read the papers. He could believe it was all a setup to make Celestia or the bearers look good. I like the "he doesn't believe he randomly picked the town that the bearers happen to live in that also happens to be home to Equestrias fastest pegasus." theory. That sounds the most realistic.
1809242
Again, you are right. There are many possible reasons! I think they give us a bit of knowledge into his character. Without any guidance from the story, I don't know which is true, and I am just left with questions. While you can hint at things without giving a full answer, the story needs to feel like you will eventually get an answer... Also, that whatever action you were making unclear was actually important, and I'm not sure this particular point is.
1809313 Lol I think weve given him enough to work on ftm. I'm going to stop before he stops talking to me.
Btw Soviet Rainbow, I've finished the first chapter of my new Twidash The Amazing Effects Of Cider. Looking forward to your input.
That sounds like self advertising.... oops........
1809325
Haha! I've heard if a character starts telling you what they're going to do, it's actually a good thing!
Good luck!
Im favving to see if the author decides to clean it up a little
1817179 I don't know what your problem is. If the author has deleted your comment then how can i possibly read it? As for calling people stupid faggot's and retards, I take great offense to that seeing as my brother is mentally handicapped. Way to be an ass.
1809421 I don't know what your talking about.... I'm not crazy.......
Hi guys. Sorry for the lack of comments posted here, i've only been on for short time every so often. I thank you for the helpful comments and will do something about it ASAP.
And Liam Cahill, i havent even seen your post so the only one who could have deleted it would be you.
Again, thanks for the helpful comments and i'll edit ASAP