Thirty-Minute Pony Stories

by Silvernis

222: Tipsy Tock

222: TIPSY TOCK

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I don’t know who first came up with the joke about my mane and tail looking like toothpaste, but I’d like to buck them in the face, and then again in the hindquarters just for good measure. It’s not funny. It never was. It doesn’t even make sense. Seriously, why does everypony seem to think I’m some kind of closet dentist? I don’t get it. Just look at my bucking cutie mark. It’s a bucking hourglass. I’m a bucking clockmaker, not a dentist. I don’t have a secret passion for hental dygiene. I mean, dental hygiene. This “special cider” is crazy stuff. How many have I had? Three? Four? I don’t know. Berry ordered a whole pitcher, and she keeps refilling the damn mug, and I don’t quite feel like telling her to stop.

To be honest, I hate getting drunk, but . . . well, this wasn’t exactly a good day to be a blue unicorn with a mane and tail that apparently resemble tooth-cleaning goop. A little alcohol makes the problems fuzzy enough to ignore for a while. Maybe a lot of alcohol. I don’t know. We’ll see how fuzzy things look after this next mug.

“You okay, Minnie?” Berry asks as she pours more cider for us both.

I have a vague idea that she has a vague idea that it’s a stupid question, since I only drink this much when I’m not okay, but I appreciate the concern all the same.

“No,” I say. I sigh gloomily and slump down on my seat, resting my chin on the table. It’s actually a really awkward way for a pony with a normally functioning spine to sit, but at this point I’m beyond caring. The backache will be future Minuette’s problem.

“What’s wrong?” asks Berry.

“I make clocks, Berry.”

“I know, Minnie.”

“It’s what I do. It’s my talent. I put all the little gears and springs and crap together and make clocks. They’re nice clocks, too.”

“Nicest bucking clocks in Ponyville,” she says, nodding earnestly.

“Hay, in Equestria! But the point is, I make clocks.”

“Yes, Minnie. You said that.”

“I know, Berry. But the point is, I make clocks.”

“Yes, Minnie.”

“I don’t make teeth. I mean, I don’t clean teeth.”

“I know, Minnie.”

“I make clocks, Berry. I’m not a bucking dentist.”

“I know, Minnie.”

“Nothing against dentists, of course—”

“Of course.”

“—but I’m not one. A dentist, I mean. And I don’t have a fetish for toothpaste.”

“Unless it’s green and minty fresh, right?” she says, giving me a huge wink.

I feel myself getting even redder. Berry can be annoyingly perceptive even when she’s drunk off her plot. Especially when she’s drunk off her plot.

“Stuff it,” I grumble.

“Aww, I think you’d rather stuff her, if ya know what I mean.” Wink, wink. Perceptive, and oh so classy.

“Shut up, or I’ll stuff you and mount you above the mantle like the griffons do.”

“Oooh, kinky!”

I give a strangled groan. “Look,” I say, probably more loudly than I should, “just leave Lyra out of this. I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Tartarus with her. And like I was saying, Merry Much—dammit, Berry Punch—I am not a dentist.”

“You’ve said that like a thousand times, Minnie. I know, all right? I know you’re not a dentist.”

“That’s right! I’m—”

“A clockmaker who makes the best bucking clocks this side of Seaddle. I know, Minnie.” She frowns at me. “Something wrong, hon? You’re getting awfully worked up about this. Like, way more than usual.”

I close my eyes, anger curling in my gut again as I think about what happened earlier.

“Rainbow Dash,” I say eventually.

“You’ve got the hots for her now? Damn, Minnie. There’s no keeping up with you.”

“No, I don’t, so shut up.” I sigh. “You know that tour carriage that stopped in town today?”

“The one from Los Pegasus? What about it?”

“She told them that I was the town dentist.”

“That just sounds like Rainbow Dash being Rainbow Dash. What’s the problem?”

“I’m not a dentist, Berry, I’m—”

“I know.”

I suddenly sit up and bang my mug on the table, cider sloshing over the sides. Berry calmly leans back, watching me with drunken patience.

“Ten ponies!” I snarl. “Ten. Bucking. Ponies. That’s how many barged into my shop today, all asking if I could take a look at their fillings or caps or help them get something out from behind their molars or sell them bucking mouthwash. My clock shop, Berry.”

She sits silently for a minute, then shakes her head.

“Minnie?”

“What, Berry?”

“I’m sorry. I mean, it’s not really my fault, but I’m sorry it happened, ya know?”

“I know.”

“Minnie?”

“Yes, Berry?”

“You’re a clockmaker.”

“Yes.”

“So show everypony.”

“Huh?”

“Show them that you make clocks, and that you don’t give a flying feather about teeth or toothpaste or whatever the buck it is that dentists do. Make a big sexy clock or something.”

Suddenly I’m smiling, because I know what to do.

“The old clock tower,” I say, leaping to my hooves. “It’s practically balling afart anyway. I’ll rebuild it! It’ll be the best clock in Ponyville!”

“In Equestria, baby.”

“That, too. You’re right, Berry. I’ll show them. I’ll show everypony that I’m not a bucking dentist. I’m a clockmaker. I’m the clockmaker, and—and I’m going to clean their clocks!”

Comments

[Arteries]

I have to admit, I've always felt sort of bad for Minuette. Almost all of the notable background ponies have some legitimate, fanon-driven substance. Each of them has at least a little work that distinguishes them, but she's quite literally been, as you described, the punch line for a bad joke. And that's all. (But at least here she's a Berry Punch lineHAHAHsorryillstop)

Seriously though, this renewed my plight for her and then some. I mean this:

“It’s what I do. It’s my talent. I put all the little gears and springs and crap together and make clocks. They’re nice clocks, too.”

In the context provided, that's a likable pony with something more to her character than a toothbrush. I don't care what anyone says.

The only problem I have with this piece is the environment. Don't get me wrong; the writing is pleasant and entertaining, and giving the bulk of it to their conversation is why it's so charming. But I just feel like there were some opportunities to flesh things out a bit during all of that. The only indication of their setting that I could really grasp was that Berry Punch 'ordered' the pitcher of cider they were drinking from. From there, I'm not saying that you had to pull bar cliches and descriptions out of your hat like mangy rabbits, but any reference at all to what was around them, or simply what was going on around them would've given some depth to what they were saying. When were they being quiet? When were they turning heads from their mugs and getting barmaids to blush from behind the counter? Little things like that. Then again, this was in thirty minutes or less, and it's still an impressive product for that time.

Also, Seaddle. Adorable pony puns are going to be the death of me.

[Silvernis]

2005918
Yeah, I've kinda felt bad for Minuette ever since I realized that she's normally referred to as Colgate. It just strikes me as unflattering and unfortunate. A fanon name like Vinyl Scratch is cool. A name like Colgate is just a setup for a bad toothpaste joke, especially since her cutie mark doesn't suggest anything remotely dental-related. She also doesn't seem to show up in fanfics very often, so I'm enjoying writing about her when I can.

As for the setting, you're quite right. I envisioned them sitting in a corner in a tavern/pub/bar/whatever, but looking over things now, I can see that that really didn't come through in the piece.

[PresentPerfect]

I dunno, this was a trip from start to finish. :)