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When a new planet is accidentally discovered by an unsuspecting intern at NASA, his whole life changes when he realizes that he has a chances to travel to his fantasies.
However upon arrival at this new planet, things take a turn for the worst as he fights to save innocent lives.
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Dat NASA
Some spelling, grammar and mechanical errors.
Technical notes:
Nuclear propelled rockets are banned by international treaty but I will let that slide as that one of the few feasible ways for interstellar travel.
Two years is an unrealistic time frame to reach Equestria since the nearest star takes four years to reach (Proxima Centauri) at light speed. I am assuming Equestria is not in the Solar System.
Meteor is used only to refer to space rocks that are falling through a planet's atmosphere. In space, they're called meteoroids.
And I highly doubt a land based telescope can see landmasses on a planet that's out of the Solar System.
Eighteen's way too young for an interstellar crewmember. Also, they wouldn't choose someone who volunteered. The crew needs to be psychologically screened for problems, undergo health checks and training.
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To sum it up, interesting idea but could use some more attention to detail.
Right, I am here you give you a hand. First paragraph and I say this: GET AN EDITOR! If you can't find one, then I would be happy to help; although you will have to wait a week or so because I am not here for the whole of next week.
Second paragraph. Go more into the beginning of the story and character development. I know you want to skip the boring stuff and get to the juicy bits, but if you don't work on the intro, then people wont even read that far before giving up on this story. You're telling, not showing, and people want enough of a show that they can see it in their heads.
Tim is best name. For it is my name.
Another thing, and I know this sounds stupid since this is fiction, but do your research. You don't just see a dot that looks like a little green and blue then shout "OMG! PLANETS! WE MUST GO!" Plus that is way to fast paced. SLOW DOWN, otherwise you WILL crash and burn.
Another thing is a incorrect use of punctuation. It even took me a while to work it out, but you need to do it. Otherwise the hate from people will destroy your love for the page.
This was as far as I got before I lost interest. Fix the mistakes and add more, then I will return to read again.
Good luck!
Also, 1792704, why are you everywhere?
Love it
Must... maintain... suspension... of... disbelief...! Gah! It's difficult being a space nerd sometimes...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
- Velkaden
Thanks for the input on errors that I should make. I will be editing this chapter in the future, as this is my first story. I am currently looking for an editor, and getting writing tips from several people I know.
As for the telescope, I couldn't see a way around finding another planet without being able to see it. Any suggestions would be great
- LOLSTERDarkmoon
I am actually looking for an editor, although my posts might vary from every few days to a week.
The input on adding a greater amount to the intro:
I will be making this longer now that I realize I skipped a few important elements, and as I said to Velk, any suggestions on how to go about discovering this planet would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for the input and I will be glad to make changes.
Also thanks to everyone else for reading and commenting.
1792752
EXACT-LY
1794025
Well, you could have the main character ask to send a probe or something into space because of some strange readings he found (Magic?) and that's how they discover it. Also, it would have to be about 6-7 years before he got there. two years training and 4-5 years travel.
Edit: oh, another thing. When they do arrive, make sure the ponies do not trust them. If you make that mistake then it will appear very unreal.
Edit 2: If you want people to see when you reply to a comment, move your mouse to the top right of that corner and it will have two buttons. One will be delete, another will be reply. When you click reply, It will put a bunch of numbers and a couple of these >> things. DO NOT EDIT THAT! Then type in your reply, and post comment.
MOAR!!!
Major Update on chaptter one goiing up tomarrow. Same story line, but I updated a bit of the finer details, and added a slightly better ending. I have been editting Chapter 2 and it should be up tomarrow night as well.
Probably the 3:rd worst story i have read. The grammar and spelling wasn't bad but i simply didn't like the pacing and the lack of story development. 10 years in a space shuttle and there's a door he didn't notice? Yeah, no. (And don't get mad, the comments are for showing what the reader thought and this is simply my opinion.