• Member Since 4th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2012

Dovacat


E
Source

Raindow Dash and Fluttershy have never been ones for love, but when two new stallions come to Ponyville and they begin to feel a new feeling will things change for them in a way they never expected.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 13 )

1794518
Unlikely
Fluttershy x OC
Dash x OC

GAH I've hit a wall!!
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

Seriously spread out your paragraphs

God, your grammar's awful, but the story is pretty good so far otherwise

sorry guys like I said I am a little new at this I am already fixing a lot of stuff in the second chapter which I might have up some time next week. Grammar wise can't make any promises, but I will try to improve on that as well.

Now to fix the problem corundum tear down this wall!

1801806
*Shnick*
*Swish*
*Swish*
*Fwuh Fwuh*
*Sching*

Ok spread out your paragraphs
And New line New speaker

Okay. I am giving you a thumbs up for the story, which is good. But now I shall give you some constuctive critism. Each of your paragraphs need to be split up into multiple paragraphs. The purpose of a paragraph is to talk about one main idea. Each of your paragraphs tend to talk about multiple things. Overall a paragraph can be as small as 1 sentence and no real max. (though in reality, they are usually 5-7 sentences at max) The next big thing to think about, is your sentence structure. While reading the story, several times I found myself having to stop, go back a sentence, and re-read what was written due to flaws in grammar and structure. The best way to fix this is actually by going to a questionable sentence and saying it out loud slowly and clearly. You should be able to find out what is wrong with the sentence and how to fix it that way. One last thing, I highly suggest reading the Writing Guide in the FAQ of Fimfiction. It's kind of lengthy, but there are links to certain sections so you can go directly to the section you have quetions about. It helps not just for grammar and structure, but actually helps with EVERYTHING when writing a story. I actually fixed a lot of my writing problems by reading it.

Anyway. Thumbs up for creativity and story. Just try improving your writing as best you can.:twilightsmile:

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