Tales from the Staff Canteen

by Midnightshadow

Code Pink - by Polecat

“CODE PINK!! I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CODE PINK!!”

“Midnight?!? Where are you?” Polecat shouted into the room, “What was posted last night?”

“Midnight’s on the Moon again!” Siraj answered, scrambling for a computer.

“Oh dear Celestia, She’s COMING!!” Cereal cried, rocking himself back and forth, sucking on a hoof in unbridled terror.

“Hide all the sugar! Shut down all coffee machines! Empty all coffee mugs! Hide all snacks and candy! Cover any object that looks edible! Shut down all soda machines!”

The horn in the main staff room blared its list of warnings, heedless of the shouting and panic from the room. The usual chaos that was the Equestria Daily office was reduced to a scene of pure pandemonium with the terror of their approaching doom. Ponies dashed this way and that, heedless of each other, and quite often colliding at top speed.

“She’ll be the death of us all!!” Cereal moaned and wept openly.

“Where’s the back door?” Polecat cried, scrambling over a desk.

“Running won’t help, nothing can escape... HER!” Phoe whimpered, cowering under her desk.

“Celestia dammit, what got posted last night?!?” Sethisto raged.

“I don’t know!” Siraj cried back, on the verge of panic herself, “I don’t see anything that would set her off!”

“There has to be something!!”

The panicked ponies somehow managed to collide about the weeping Cereal, forming a huddled mass of hooves, manes, tails and eyes as the door slammed open. The office ponies clutched at each other, pure terror causing them to tremble as they wished they could look away from the vision of their imminent death on four legs, yet found themselves only able to stare at the figure in the doorway, the morning light surrounding her like the halo of an avenging angel.

“She’s here...” Cereal whispered.

“That’s right, I’m HERE!” the panting pony proclaimed, and stepped forward from the doorway, the room deathly quiet save for the clip-clop of her hooves. Her pink coat and frizzy magenta mane flashed in the light, offset only by the trio of balloons on her flank. Her piercing blue eyes washed over the mass of huddled ponies, cold and heedless of their panic, and a shudder rolled over each of them as she seemed to drink in their fear.

“Which one of you…” she hissed, pointing a hoof at the huddled group, her breath still coming in sharp pants. As her hoof pointed at each pony, they tried to shrink back and hide behind each other.

“Which one of you…” she repeated, then pulled a large box from her saddlebags, “…ordered the Breakfast Muffins?”

The panicked pile of puddled ponies breathed a collective sigh of relief as a hoof was raised in answer.

“I did!” Siraj called and broke away from the group, “You brought blueberry, right?”

“Yup!” Pinkie Pie answered, her face splitting with a broad smile, “I brought enough for everypony!”

Standing serenely in the midst of an explosive furor of baked-goods demolishment, the perky beaming pink party pony soon found her collection whittled away to a few crumbs and some discarded wrappers.

“Save a chocolate chip for me!”

“Eat too many more of those and it’ll go straight to your plot.”

“That’s okay, she could do to pad her plot a bit.”

“Like that’d stop you from staring at it, plothole.”

“...Why are you wearing a maid uniform?”

“You’ll see…”

Comments

[Cloudhammer]

I can't blame them though, I'd likely react the same way if I saw Pinkie charging my way too.

[Gypsy]

My ass this food will go straight to my plot!

[nemryn]

155929
Exactly.

[dzamie]

Mane its probably a good judge for Pinkie. Example: Straight? Unhappy with a Cupcakes splinter-fic.

[Midnightshadow]

356629
Good catch! "Guards! Guards!" was my first discworld novel, and the very idea that something so meta, amusing, relevant and crazy could exist was a real eye-opener. I don't know if it's my absolute favourite, but it is the one I tell people to read first.

[Saphroneth]

356750 For me it was Equal Rites. But the Guards series remains joint first with the Wizards as examples of great, comedic but still serious fiction.

I actually saw a play of Guards, Guards once. Was very good. They had a "narrator" character to deliver the footnotes or narration jokes in paused-time. She occasionally adjusted things before the time unpaused again, which was fun.

[Midnightshadow]

356765
Apparently (and I am inclined to believe it), having a dragon in a play is easier than a normal-sized monster, because you don't have to show the dragon, only what it does. Imagination does the rest.

The idea of draconic manipulations behinds the scenes also haunts Ambassador's Son.

[chrumsum]

Fillies and gentlecolts, welcome to the pinnacle of the fan fiction universe. It's all downhill from here. I've had a good run, but that's it for me; I might as well stop trying. Well played, pre-readers. Well played.

[Rokas]

*Reaches end of story collection*

Awww, no more? Oh well, this kept me up late enough anyway.

Good stuff from all of y'all.

[Fetch]

Two words you NEVER want to hear uttered together at the EqD office:

CODE HARMONY

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

Sweet Leaf - Black Sabbath

There was weed involved, I just know it.

[Soge]

These stories are amazing . Great work!

[Midnightshadow]

362670
Actually, the original line is in a play by Shakespeare, often simply called "the Scottish play" since they fear the curse. The play itself is referenced in the title of that chapter.

[Midnightshadow]

368350
Nines really showed the rest of us up with chapter 7, it's my favourite by far.

[Jspang]

368584 Wow, derp.

[Themaskedferret]

The amount of hilarious and awesome in this cannot be properly expressed. So much plot and hilarity XD Definitely needs more.

[Arcshod]

The chapter(s) detailing the events of April 1st, 2012 cannot come soon enough.

[An Unimpressive]

*cracks knuckles*

Perhaps I'll have to contribute to this.