Dreams

dartmaul15 #1 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

beat you reigdar.

Yes, it was sad. Could have been a bit longer.
You focuse on the emotions, which is really important in sadfics.
Next time, try to write a bit longer. 2k-3k words is almost mandatory for 1shots.

Sanity

Sanity #2 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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Definitley sad enough.
Not badly written, but it could use some help.
Everything you wrote is grammatically correct, however the story needs.....More.
It doesn't really propel itself in the necessary manner that is required of a fic this sad.
Also, I suggest having longer conversations, or ommiting them all together.
I'm sorry if I seem angry, or rude.
I usually do this with more finesse, and i don't seem so blunt.
I'm sick.
And i've waited for a long time to use that emoticon.

Sparklight

Sparklight #3 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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I didn't really like it.

There was no development or progression. You start out with Rainbow being depressed, and end with Rainbow being depressed. There's no real reason to read it.
Tying in with that was the first few paragraphs, where you say what happened. I think it would have been better if you didn't outright tell us everything at the beginning. There's nothing to be discovered. I think you should have been a little more vague and held back in the description. Mystery is a good way to keep a reader interested.
Finally, there was so much repetition. Over and over I was reading different lines describing the same thing: "She'll never fly again.", "She'll never fulfill her dreams.", to the point where I almost wanted to yell "I know that already! Get on with it!". It's even in the chapter title.

Spelling and grammar are good. No downright horrible moments.

You didn't get any feels from me, but I hope this has been a valuable learning experience.
-Sparklight

TheDocTorShy

TheDocTorShy #4 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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It is sad but nothing to make me cry or something. It was good, good idea and everything but it was short. IF you could do more to this then yes you should have a really great one shot story.

Slender Dash

Slender Dash #5 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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I agree with Sanity, the story needs more. I sometimes enjoy short fics, but this one needs a little more info. You did well on emotion, but I let as if you were getting a little repetitive. You used the same words in several different areas. Normally, the wouldn't be a problem, but since it was a short story, it was noticeable. It was fairly good, though. I would've liked to hear a bit more description, more about the storm, more about every ponies feelings a little bit. We didn't much hear other characters thoughts, even though this was a third-person omniscient story. Maybe try third person limited?

Slender Dash

Slender Dash #6 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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I also agree with Sparklight on some things

RDash

RDash #7 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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I thought that this was a pretty good story, especially for a first try. I agree with others that this could be quite a bit longer. There was never any resolve, leaving the reader to feel like there was something missing. How will Dash be able to live with herself after she gets out of the hospital? Will she be able to? You mentioned Luna, maybe there's something there between her and Dash? A much needed friendship or something more? What will RD's friends do to help her? You could even bring the reader back to the storm and watch Dash at her most vulnerable.
There are thousands of possibilities for this concept, but I really feel that it just needed to be developed a bit more.
Overall, good first story, but maybe spend some more time on it and really make it into something.

Xeritas

Xeritas #8 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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Very much appreciated on the feedback, and I'll take everything into consideration.

The PatioHeater

The PatioHeater #9 · Nov 25th, 2012 · · ·

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I'm going to remain neutral with my thumbs here.

While the story is a good idea, it could be fleshed out much more which would make it better. Like, for example, have the scene where she's trying to clear up the storm and not just jump right in there. And have the conversation between her and the doctor who told her the bad news. Some more dialouge in general would make it better.

But yes, that's my opinion. Keep up the good work!