Pinkie Pie seeks a job in order to stay in Ponyville with her friends, but will her mishaps result in something that can tear a friendship apart?
Chapters (1)
born4bdway613
Joined 24th Nov, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- shortskirtsandexplosions · 7.5k words · 653 37 · 8.8k views
- PonyThunder · 4k words · 536 6 · 7.3k views
- Shire Folk · 5.1k words · 329 9 · 14k views
- Philobrony · 1k words · 40 0 · 1.4k views
- Salted Pingas · 4.1k words · 85 5 · 3k views
- DVAN56 · 1.8k words · 136 0 · 3.1k views
- Summer Dancer · 4.6k words · 440 22 · 8.1k views
- Tom2rules · 13k words · 132 7 · 8k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.06 seconds
Total duration
1,030 users online
72,684 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Friendly word of advice: Don't sum up your entire story in your description. The key to a good description is to provide a sufficient amount of info to drag the reader in, but still hold back so they have no choice but to see how it'll turn out. Play with it a bit.
I request double spacing of paragraphs!...what just happend?
Gosh, it seems like a few people are unhappy with the thorough description...I like it for one...maybe you could water it down though...
I love how you gave more descriptive details than ever before! Great improvement! ...And Twilight is so much better than Applejack for that part. (I can totally imagine her saying that!) Also... maybe you should rename the Pony Shopping Mall of Equestria the Ponyville Mall or something, just to shorten it up. Hope this helps!
I think Rattlehead is onto something so pay attention. As for the story itself? I'll stick around since I don't recall reading anything regarding family preasure of this sort for Pinkie.
1725909....................Seriously, sir?
I think this story (and moreso you, as a writer) has potential. At a glance, you've got what looks to be a sound Slice-of-Life plot that could turn out to be quite interesting. However, there are some areas that could use some work.
There were a couple of things you could try doing in the future to make your writing more easily readable. For one, you might try leaving a blank line between paragraphs, so the text doesn't look quite so daunting. I know that isn't how it's handled in actual books, but it's sort of the standard around here. For another (and this one is far more important), you should only have one speaker in a paragraph. It's far less confusing when a reader only needs to consider one character at a time—as is, one slip of attention and it's easy to get lost.
In fact, I would recommend you split your paragraphs up more in general, like when they switch topics. i.e. Instead of having one paragraph about Pinkie arriving at the mall, finding LaRose, and encountering the manager, you could have had a paragraph for each, and gone into more detail about all of them. Like, the only description you gave of the mall itself was that it was large, but I want to know what it looks like. Description to keep me more invested, you see?
Also, I've got a few notes about things that tripped me up: a.) Right at the start, I believe you wanted "Boing!". "Booing!" just means, like, yelling "Boo!" at something you disapprove of. b.) "Sugarcube Corner" has no 's' at the end. c.) The name "The Pony Shopping Mall of Equestria" is a bit odd, no? That's like if a mall was called "The Human Shopping Mall of Canada" or the like.
And as 1725906 said, your description needs to be more concise. Think of it less as a summary and more as a hook. Don't just tell us; tantalize us.
Anyway, again, I feel you've got potential here. More polish, and you could really shine.