Hero of equestria

Applebloom is the only blank flank in her class and is getting sick of the teasing, she is determined to do anything, even put her life in danger. when a rampaging monster attacks ponyville it seems to everyone that applebloom is no more, little do they a creature that no one in ponyville has ever seen before is here to get her cutie mark, will she become a hero or will she forever remain a zero?

Chapters (4)

The mysterious pony · 8th Nov 2012 · 1,680 words
1,680
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The Fiery Phoenix · 10th Nov 2012 · 2,554 words
2,554
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Ponyvilleâ��s True Hero · 20th Nov 2012 · 3,351 words
3,351
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The Phony Pony · 21st Nov 2013 · 2,658 words
2,658
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Comments ( 18 )

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McPoopin

McPoopin #1 · Nov 10th, 2012 · · · The mysterious pony ·

Names always need capitals, your apostrophes are getting abused pretty bad, and you've got an enormous block of text in there that could really go with being split up a bit. I also think Applejack would respond to seeing her sister get crushed with a bit more than "Aw, gash darn it".

equestrias guardian

equestrias guardian #2 · Nov 10th, 2012 · · · The mysterious pony ·

1592159 its a work in progress it'll get better

La Barata

La Barata #3 · Nov 10th, 2012 · · · The Fiery Phoenix ·

Alright. We're gonna take a look at this, and we're going to find out exactly what went wrong. Once we do, we're going to find out how to fix it. Sound good?

First up, we're going to take a look at your grammar and such. To begin, your spelling isn't that bad. Skimming over it, I can't really find any overt spelling mistakes. That being said, however, you seem to have tricked grammar and paragraph structure into a back alley, then clubbed them senseless with a shovel which you then used to dig shallow graves and bury them alive.

The first thing that stands out is that you've got solid walls of text. Try splitting things up into shorter, more manageable paragraphs.

Try thinking of them like Oreos. A paragraph needs to be small enough that the reader can just pop them into their mouth and eat them. An Oreo the size of your head, while rather awesome, would get rather tiresome. You'd probably find yourself sick of Oreos halfway through, not to mention it would be pretty hard to eat.

In addition, I'd recommend that you use an indent to start each paragraph, both to signal that a new paragraph has started, and to visually separate it from the others.

You DO, however, remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new character talks (for the most part). Also, usually, you remember not to split the actions and the dialogue, so you make it very clear who is talking and when.

Moving on to your grammar. Reading through it, what jumps out at me the most is that you tend to place capitals in exactly the wrong place. Taking a brief look at the first paragraph:

It was just another day in ponyville, birds were singing and the sun was shining while the ponies busy themselves with their everyday lives. As some hummed happily others were caught in a singing moment of the birds. Walking through the town was a purple unicorn with a Magenta six-pointed star, surrounded by five smaller stars on her flank. Her long Dark Indigo mane with pink and purple streaks curled at the end and hung short of her shoulder. Beside her, walking on two feet was a small purple dragon with green scales and spikes going down his back. He was small but that was because he was still a baby, even though he proves to be very helpful to twilight that was the pony’s name.

I've underlined each place that a capital SHOULD be used, and struck out every place that one SHOULDN'T. The only times you should be capitalizing something in a sentence are if you're using it to begin the sentence or if you're using a proper noun, such as a name.

Once we've dealt with your capitalization, there is one main issue that sticks out like a sore thumb. What I notice is that you tend to misplace commas, an admittedly common error. This usually leads to run-on sentences, as well making it more difficult to read. Let's take a quick look at that paragraph again, this time striking out poorly used commas and inserting both commas, periods and other assorted punctuation where they ought to go:

It was just another day in ponyville,. Birds were singing and the sun was shining while the ponies busy themselves with their everyday lives. As some hummed happily, others were caught in a singing moment of the birds. Walking through the town was a purple unicorn with a Magenta six-pointed star, surrounded by five smaller stars, on her flank. Her long Dark Indigo mane with pink and purple streaks curled at the end and hung short of her shoulder. Beside her, walking on two feet, was a small purple dragon with green scales and spikes going down his back. He was small, but that was because he was still a baby, even though he proves to be very helpful to twilight. (that was the pony’s name.)

As you can see, there are several spots where you continue sentences longer than they'd ought to go. Try to make it so that a sentence wouldn't take more than one breath to say. Looking at where I added in commas, you'll notice that there are several spots that I inserted them. As a reference, a comma should most often be used to break up ideas in a sentence. For instance:

As some hummed happily, others were caught in a singing moment of the birds.

Right there, I'm separating the different parts of the sentence. I placed it between the two main ideas in a sentence. Another tricky bit about commas is that they can be used to separate parts of the sentence that have helpful, but overall unnecessary information.

An example:

He was small, but that was because he was still a baby, even though he proves to be very helpful...

The part separated by commas isn't integral to the sentence. You can still say that he was helpful, even though he was small, and the sentence would still mean the same thing.

A good rule of thumb is that if you can remove a secondary idea from a sentence, you should place commas around it. However, you want to make sure that you don't place commas around parts of the sentence that are essential. An example of what I mean there:

The apples that fell out of Applejack's cart were bruised.

Remember, clauses that start with THAT are always essential.

A last point for spelling, grammar and all that is the fact that you seem to have trouble with both tenses (Using 'proves', an action in present tense instead of 'proved', an action in the past tense) and with the proper forms of words, such as your/you're, then/than, there/their, and other such words. The best way to remember it simply is just to say the sentence without any contractions. For instance, in the second chapter, you wrote:

“Your correct princess, the footprints did come from a dragon..."

Twilight was telling the princess she was right, saying

"You are correct, princess."

Turning "You Are" into one word, creating a contraction, puts both words together, using an apostrophe to show where they meet, creating "You're". Other common ones are things like:

I will = I'll
I am = I'm
They will = They'll
They are = They're

For a bigger list, try clicking here.

Moving on from structure to content. First and foremost, it looks like you're suffering from something known as LUS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. LUS is described as when an author:

...proceeds to explain to the reader about the actions and activities of a never-ending stream of brightly coloured equines. As with over-use of alternatives to the word "said", over-use of alternatives to the basic names of your characters is just plain bad writing. It is the hallmark of an author who has committed the cardinal sin of trying too hard.

In other words, you're giving us far too much detail about everything. Again, going back to that first paragraph, you're giving us just about every detail there is about Twilight Sparkle's physical appearance. A good hint to take is that your fic will NOT be the reader's first ever exposure to ponies. If they're here, chances are that they already know what the characters look like. A little description isn't bad, but don't pour buckets of it over our head until we drown in it.

As for the plot, I'm guessing from the picture this is a Guild Wars 2 crossover. I can't say I know the first thing about that game, but if you're inserting your own MMO character into the fic, well.... Let's just say that this is essentially Gary Stu to the max in that regard. Not much is elaborated on so far, so I can't get a firm handle, but we'll see how it goes.

I think the last thing I'll make note of here is that the characterization of the Mane 6 and others, while nearly spot on sometimes, is completely off other times. I mean, Applejack's little sister gets killed by an Ursa Major, and hardly anypony bats an eye. Sure, she's crying a bit later, but "Aw, gosh darn it"? Really? For everyone else, they don't even really seem to care. There's an old axiom: Show, don't tell. Just saying "They all felt sad" leaves about as much an impact as Apple Bloom had on the Ursa. It's essentially meaningless. A quick "They feel sad" doesn't register with readers, making it hard to get involved or care about what's happening.

You've got some of the basics down, but you still need a lot of work. I'd recommend a full rewrite of this.

Good luck!

~La Barata

thisisastorymindyou

thisisastorymindyou #4 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · · The Fiery Phoenix ·

good work

P.S. i'm watching you >->

equestrias guardian

equestrias guardian #5 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · · The Fiery Phoenix ·

1594148

thanks for the help, English for is very difficult because i have speech and language problems and doing this improves those skills and with your help i can improve even more, i will rewrite this chapter only correcting the mistakes no need for a chapter overhaul

equestrias guardian

equestrias guardian #6 · Nov 14th, 2012 · · · The Fiery Phoenix ·

1594148 again thanks for helping me, the only reason im using guild wars 2 picture is because i couldn't find anything to a guardian, this was the closest i got, in no way is it guild wars 2, never played the game. i know i dont need to describe the charecters of MLP:FIM but just on the off chance someone who does come here and doesnt know its there

La Barata