Chapter 2: The fiery Phoenix
“Twilight!” giggled spike “that tickles, you know my feet were always ticklish.”
“Sorry, spike” she apologized “But I need to draw around your feet to confirm princess Celestia’s suspicions.” the quill was brushing against his leg as twilight tried to draw around his foot on a large piece of paper. Princess Celestia stood by one of the many bookshelves in twilight's library; she had come to her most knowledgeable student because something at the incident scene had sparked her interest. She had planned to search the royal library on her return to find a book that may hold the answers, the history of Equestria. She had seen hoof prints and dragon footprints before but these hoof prints were strange. They were long and curved not small and circular like so many other hoof prints.
“Done.” Twilight squealed. “Your correct princess, the footprints did come from a dragon but these other ones are still a mystery, I've never seen anything like them.” Celestia knew this would happen; even here student did not know the origin of the other foot print. She sighed.
“Thank you for trying twilight, and thank you for your contribution spike.” Spike blushed.
“Oh it was nothing your highness.” Twilight levitated a piece of fabric that celestia had also brought with her.
“I’ll see rarity tomorrow; perhaps she’ll have a better idea on what this is.” Outside the sun of the day was slowly slipping away, soon it would be night and Luna will be raising the moon. Her sister. Her thoughts were now focused on the young filly applejack. Today she lost her sister, a pain celestia knew all too well. As she left she turned to twilight and said.
“Do let me know if you have discovered anything. The fabric, the strange hoof prints or why an Ursa Major attacked during the day and near a populated village.” She knew she was stalling of going home, to look at her sister and break down in tears. Twilight had sensed this and slowly said as to measure her words.
“We tried everything we could; there is nothing no pony could have done. I’ll see applejack tomorrow and see how she is” and with that, celestia spread open her wings and took off back to canterlot. Twilight felt empty and is she felt empty of what happened to apple bloom only celestia knows how applejack was feeling.
On Apple Acres, Applejack was slowly returning to the barn to put back the rope she had used today. As she put away the rope she remembered the conversation she had with apple bloom only moments before the Ursa Major attacked. She had been moving hale bales into the barn with apple bloom when the conversation came up.
“Do you think I can get a cutie mark in bale pushing?” she looked at her flank excitedly, only to be dashed to see her flank blank. Nothing she did was working. “Ima going be a blank flank forever.” She whined. Apple Jack gently placed a hoof on her head and said.
“Sugar cube, when the time comes you’ll get your cutie mark. Who knows it may have something to do with apples, heck I’d bet it be something grander, but when it comes, you’ll know.” Apple bloom tried to smile but it was now use. Come Monday she’ll be teased of being the only filly in her class of being a....blank flank. Even the name made her shiver. Silver spoon and diamond tiara where the meanest fillies she had ever met, and now that her only friend twist had got her cutie mark, she had been seeing less and less of her. Soon Sweetie belle and Scootaloo will have their cutie marks and they’ll disappear too. She was about to say something when the screams of the town had reached them, apple jack grabbed the rope and apple bloom followed. Applejack should have made her stay but she was determined to try everything to get her cutie mark and to deny this would deny her hopes of getting a cutie mark. She slowly closed the barn door and wiped away a single tear that trickled down her face. As she opened the door to the kitchen the smell pricked her nostrils it was apple blooms favorite stew, barley grass and carrots. Granny smith was stirring as she came in; she looked up and waved with the wooden spoon still in her mouth. Apple jack smiled but her eyes were red from the crying. She was about to explain to big Macintosh and granny smith when all of a sudden.
“Hey applejack, where have you been?” That voice, it couldn't be. It was impossible but it was right there. Apple bloom. She was alive, but how? All of a sudden applejack wrapped apple bloom in her hoofs and hugged her tightly. Apple bloom struggled against the tight hug and was puzzled at why her sister was trying to choke her in this embrace. “What in the hay do you think you doin?”
“Apple bloom? Is that...you?” she was struggling to find the words for only a few hours ago did she say her sister crushed by the Ursa Majors paw.
“Of course is it me, why wouldn't it be?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what?” Apple bloom was obviously confused; apple jack didn't want to scare her just in case it did something to her, so she had to do something that went against everything she knew. She lied.
“Those...hay bales. I told you were stacking them too high but practice is all it takes.” After that dinner was served and nothing else was said.
Later that night as lunar’s moon hung high in the sky, the light gleamed down on sweet apple acres, making it glow eerie, even the apples once red glowed a strange grey. seeping in through the half closed blind of apple blooms room. The little filly was tossing and turning in her sleep, she gritted her teeth as the memory of earlier that day flooded back. The dust from the buildings half blinding her, and then facing the angry half blind Ursa major. She remembered the sheer terror when facing the beast she remained frozen even as the paw came, as it slammed down she felt herself being thrown to the side down an alleyway, she was barely conscious in the alleyway.
“Is she alright?” one of the shadows asked.
“I think so, she’s still breathing, get her out of here.”
“Why? What you going to do?” suddenly a loud crash and fire licked at the shadows feet.
“what I do best” he said confidently. As he leaped up from the ground he yelled “Dragon fire....flare.” the other figure felt scaly as it picked her up. She could feel its claws lightly digging into her. It ran at speed, if she was awake the world would pass by in a blur of back alleys and green.
“He always has to go and do the stupidest things. But I guess why he’s one of the best.” The voice echoed all around apple bloom, the voice sound disorientated it was clear enough to hear but some words were hard to hear, although she couldn't see she felt them jerking left and right until they came to a stop. “This place looks as good as any.” The figure said as he placed her down, apple blooms eyes opened a little, she managed to glimpse some big dragon feet all purple, but it wasn't spike, this dragon was much bigger. Suddenly they scurried away and apple bloom closed her eyes again. When she next opened her eyes she was in her bedroom. Cold sweat had been running down her, it was still night time. She stayed still for a few moments to recollect her thoughts, was it a dream or did it happen? Who was the figure who saved her and was there a second dragon in ponyville? Just then her door opened and applejack walked in.
“You OK sugar cube?” she asked. She seemed concerned.
“I’m ok sis, just a bad dream is all.” Applejack wondered if her sister was telling the truth, she could ask her was that true but then she had lied at dinner to spare her of what really happened. With that she tucked her back into bed and said goodnight as she gently closed the door behind her.
Morning rose and the dreaded Monday had arrived, apple bloom wondered if she could use her bad dream experience to get out of school, at least for today. But before she could even pretended applejack burst into her room, got her out of bed and out the door for school with applejack walking every step of the way. She wanted to make sure that apple bloom arrived there safely; even though the Ursa Major was gone anything could happen. She never knew how much danger her little sister could get in to. A random cart accident, trampled by a stampede even being crushed under a lot of apples, anything could happen and it could happen at any time. Apple bloom had watched her sister who was sick with worry; she didn’t want to say anything but she had to know.
“Big sis?” she asked. Applejack stopped dead in her tracks and looked around. She was searching for anything dangerous, “are you ok?” she asked again. Realizing what a foal she must look like Applejack quickly straightened up and said.
“I’m fine just wonderin if rainbow dash was going to prank me again.” It had been another lie, normally she’d tell her the truth but this whole situation had completely changed her. They had arrived at the school; apple bloom was hesitant of going in because by the school door was silver spoon and diamond tiara were standing there waiting for her. As she stepped back apple jack pushed her forward. As apple bloom was pushed through into the play ground apple jack called out to her as she left for home “Now don’t get into any trouble, and I’ll see you later.” As she walked off, apple bloom watched as her only chance of getting out of school walked away. Her attention was so focused on applejack that she forgot about silver spoon and diamond tiara as she turned she saw them moving closer to her, she wanted to run or escape but it was too late they were here. She may as well get the insults over and done with, how bad could they be she thought. How wrong she was.
“Hey apple bloom,” diamond tiara said so smug “ I've recently became physic I can tell what you didn't do over the weekend.
“In fact everyone else can as well.” Added silver spoon. As she they circled round her they mostly homing in on her blank flank “Are you ever going to get a cutie mark?”
“Or are just going to be a...” the cruelest two words that apple bloom heard daily from these two came in a loud unison like the whole school was joining in.
“Blank flank!” and the laughter rang through her ears, like hoofs on a chalk board. The tears swelled up in her eyes and then, she ran. Out of the playground and through ponyville so blinded by her tears that she didn't see Scootaloo or sweetie belle coming out of sugar cube corner. She kept running and she ran to where no pony except her dares to tread, the everfree forest. Scootaloo and sweetie belle saw her run into the forest and wanted to chase after her but if they got lost who would find them, they decided to go back to ponyville to find flutter shy and apple jack, hopefully one of them might help them find apple bloom.
Apple bloom wasn't going to stop, or open her eyes as the leaves and branches battered her. She wanted to get to Zecora‘s and stay there until she was better or until her cutie mark came, which ever happened first. If she had opened her eyes she would have realized she was going the wrong way, a path that had been blocked branches was now lying limp and the leaves were scatted all around the place. It was normal for trees to overgrow on the paths but these branches were put there, like sort of warning. Maybe flutter shy wanted no one to go this way, but why? She found out her answer, her hoofs pounded on a rock surface and not the path to zercora’s. This was better; the first place anyone would look is at zercora’s this way she can stay out of sight from everyone. She sat on a rock close to the edge and shivered at the sheer drop into the river below that cold for sure. The birds flew past and circled round near apple bloom, the last of her tears were drying up, Cheerilee would now be worried and so would her big sister and brother. Little did she know that the cliff she was on was unsafe and cracking very badly, the cracks grew bigger with every moment. As she wiped the last of her tears on the back of her hoof she stood up.
“I guess I better go back, everyone would be worried sick. Well almost everyone.” More small rock rolled silently down and the crack grew ever larger. Suddenly apple bloom smiled “So what if I’m a blank flank, I’m apple bloom I can be anything.” She was getting better by the second while the crack were getting worse. “Yes!” she cried out “ I’m apple bloom and I’m-” and that was as far as she got for as she stomped her hoof down, the cliff finally subsided it happened so quickly that apple bloom didn’t have time to run. One minute she was there next her world had turned upside down and found herself falling with rocks all around her. She wanted to scream for help but what was the use, no one knew she was here. She’d be buried under rock or drowned before anyone found her. Above a great shadow blotted out the sun as she looked up she saw a pair of large wings that were on fire. A phoenix? Here? It dived towards her in attempt to grab her, either to save her or as food she did not know what phoenixes ate. A small rock had bounced off the falling debris around and smacked her in the center forehead, knocking her out. The phoenix caught up with her and wrapped its strange misshapen wings around her and turned its body round so that the impact of the rushing water below would be felt by the phoenix instead of the frail apple bloom. And then with an almighty splash both the phoenix and apple bloom plunged into the cold water below as well as the large boulders plunging in. After the loud noise all fell silent very quickly. The animals that had been watching raced off to find the one pony that would understand them, fluttershy.
Alright. We're gonna take a look at this, and we're going to find out exactly what went wrong. Once we do, we're going to find out how to fix it. Sound good?
First up, we're going to take a look at your grammar and such. To begin, your spelling isn't that bad. Skimming over it, I can't really find any overt spelling mistakes. That being said, however, you seem to have tricked grammar and paragraph structure into a back alley, then clubbed them senseless with a shovel which you then used to dig shallow graves and bury them alive.
The first thing that stands out is that you've got solid walls of text. Try splitting things up into shorter, more manageable paragraphs.
Try thinking of them like Oreos. A paragraph needs to be small enough that the reader can just pop them into their mouth and eat them. An Oreo the size of your head, while rather awesome, would get rather tiresome. You'd probably find yourself sick of Oreos halfway through, not to mention it would be pretty hard to eat.
In addition, I'd recommend that you use an indent to start each paragraph, both to signal that a new paragraph has started, and to visually separate it from the others.
You DO, however, remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new character talks (for the most part). Also, usually, you remember not to split the actions and the dialogue, so you make it very clear who is talking and when.
Moving on to your grammar. Reading through it, what jumps out at me the most is that you tend to place capitals in exactly the wrong place. Taking a brief look at the first paragraph:
I've underlined each place that a capital SHOULD be used, and struck out every place that one SHOULDN'T. The only times you should be capitalizing something in a sentence are if you're using it to begin the sentence or if you're using a proper noun, such as a name.
Once we've dealt with your capitalization, there is one main issue that sticks out like a sore thumb. What I notice is that you tend to misplace commas, an admittedly common error. This usually leads to run-on sentences, as well making it more difficult to read. Let's take a quick look at that paragraph again, this time striking out poorly used commas and inserting both commas, periods and other assorted punctuation where they ought to go:
As you can see, there are several spots where you continue sentences longer than they'd ought to go. Try to make it so that a sentence wouldn't take more than one breath to say. Looking at where I added in commas, you'll notice that there are several spots that I inserted them. As a reference, a comma should most often be used to break up ideas in a sentence. For instance:
Right there, I'm separating the different parts of the sentence. I placed it between the two main ideas in a sentence. Another tricky bit about commas is that they can be used to separate parts of the sentence that have helpful, but overall unnecessary information.
An example:
The part separated by commas isn't integral to the sentence. You can still say that he was helpful, even though he was small, and the sentence would still mean the same thing.
A good rule of thumb is that if you can remove a secondary idea from a sentence, you should place commas around it. However, you want to make sure that you don't place commas around parts of the sentence that are essential. An example of what I mean there:
Remember, clauses that start with THAT are always essential.
A last point for spelling, grammar and all that is the fact that you seem to have trouble with both tenses (Using 'proves', an action in present tense instead of 'proved', an action in the past tense) and with the proper forms of words, such as your/you're, then/than, there/their, and other such words. The best way to remember it simply is just to say the sentence without any contractions. For instance, in the second chapter, you wrote:
Twilight was telling the princess she was right, saying
Turning "You Are" into one word, creating a contraction, puts both words together, using an apostrophe to show where they meet, creating "You're". Other common ones are things like:
For a bigger list, try clicking here.
Moving on from structure to content. First and foremost, it looks like you're suffering from something known as LUS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. LUS is described as when an author:
In other words, you're giving us far too much detail about everything. Again, going back to that first paragraph, you're giving us just about every detail there is about Twilight Sparkle's physical appearance. A good hint to take is that your fic will NOT be the reader's first ever exposure to ponies. If they're here, chances are that they already know what the characters look like. A little description isn't bad, but don't pour buckets of it over our head until we drown in it.
As for the plot, I'm guessing from the picture this is a Guild Wars 2 crossover. I can't say I know the first thing about that game, but if you're inserting your own MMO character into the fic, well.... Let's just say that this is essentially Gary Stu to the max in that regard. Not much is elaborated on so far, so I can't get a firm handle, but we'll see how it goes.
I think the last thing I'll make note of here is that the characterization of the Mane 6 and others, while nearly spot on sometimes, is completely off other times. I mean, Applejack's little sister gets killed by an Ursa Major, and hardly anypony bats an eye. Sure, she's crying a bit later, but "Aw, gosh darn it"? Really? For everyone else, they don't even really seem to care. There's an old axiom: Show, don't tell. Just saying "They all felt sad" leaves about as much an impact as Apple Bloom had on the Ursa. It's essentially meaningless. A quick "They feel sad" doesn't register with readers, making it hard to get involved or care about what's happening.
You've got some of the basics down, but you still need a lot of work. I'd recommend a full rewrite of this.
Good luck!
~La Barata
good work
P.S. i'm watching you >->
1594148
thanks for the help, English for is very difficult because i have speech and language problems and doing this improves those skills and with your help i can improve even more, i will rewrite this chapter only correcting the mistakes no need for a chapter overhaul
1594148 again thanks for helping me, the only reason im using guild wars 2 picture is because i couldn't find anything to a guardian, this was the closest i got, in no way is it guild wars 2, never played the game. i know i dont need to describe the charecters of MLP:FIM but just on the off chance someone who does come here and doesnt know its there
1615119 Well, I'm glad I could help
1615263 replying to one of your comments, so it would be okay to just use the word said instead of trying to think of altentives