Pony and Prejudice
I never considered myself brave. But love will make you do foolish things.
Like stare down a princess, for instance.
It didn’t help matters that it was the younger one. The darker one. The one who preferred the nighttime. The one who, if stories were to be believed, had a temper. Why did I have to face her, and not her much-beloved older sister? They never explained that.
In the end, it didn’t matter. After some painfully formulaic introductions, she got straight to the point.
“Why?” she asked.
I could have said something about justice, and the rule of law, and defending the weak. I could have spoken of the bonds of friendship and the fight against bigotry. But I was in no mood to attempt to build a gleaming tower of moral righteousness.
“Because I love her,” I answered simply.
In an instant, her face shifted from a displeased frown to a snarl, as if I had just hurled an expletive at her. She stomped a hoof with such force that a spiderweb of cracks formed in the stone below it. I flinched, and retreated a few steps. Like I said, I wasn’t brave.
“You nearly killed two of my loyal subjects!” she all-but roared, her voice amply filling the spacious chamber as it reverberated from the walls and columns. And inside my skull.
“I was protecting her.” It was so odd. I knew that I should be shouting in protest, or sobbing out an apology, or mired in terrified silence, but it was as if I had no control over my own tone. Through the storm of emotion raging in my head, I spoke confidently, calmly. “They were going to hurt her. I couldn’t let that happen.”
I’m really not brave.
“And what will happen next time?” she demanded. “Would you become a killer to ‘protect’ that creature?”
I wanted to scream out my anger. No... not anger. Fear. Or maybe frustration. I just wanted to scream.
“Yes, I would,” came the perfectly serene answer.
She turned around, leaving me with a very unflattering view of her flank. I found the view of the ground just in front of my hooves to be far preferable. I heard her mutter a few words in some ancient tongue, which were, I was fairly certain, curses. I couldn’t be sure whether they were generic, or directed at me specifically. Probably the latter.
“I would like to cast a spell,” she said, having suddenly turned back to me and regained a degree of calm. “I wish to know if she has used some kind of mind control on you. If you will allow it, it should be a simple matter for me to make that determination.”
I looked up uncertainly. She must’ve sensed my apprehension.
“I will not tamper with your emotions or your thoughts,” she assured me. “This spell is... purely diagnostic. You have my word.”
I believed her. I nodded.
I didn’t feel anything. My vision was tinged with a light fog for a few seconds, but nothing else happened. It made sense, in a strange way. Lights, noises, and heat are sure signs of wasted magical potential. The most effective and potent magic does not rely on an abundance of energy, but on efficiency. The princess was being frighteningly efficient with her magic.
And just like that, it was over. I could see disappointment in the pair of cerulean eyes staring at me.
“Nothing,” she informed me dryly. “It would seem that your foolishness is entirely of your own making.”
I waited for her to say something else. She didn’t. I again found myself wishing for her sister. She might have understood. Too bad for me.
“So,” I said slowly, “what happens now? What’s my punishment?”
She snorted, and looked at me as if I were the splattered remains of a rotten fruit upon an expensive carpet.
“And what exactly am I to punish you for?” she asked disdainfully. “You acted in the defense of an innocent. The law is with you.”
“B– but...” I sputtered. Consciously, I had been at a loss for words from the very start, but some part inside me had taken over the responsibility for speaking. That part was quiet now, suddenly leaving me struggling just to make coherent syllables. “I thought... I was...”
“Under arrest?” she offered. “No. Legally, you did nothing wrong. You were summoned here because I wished to ascertain the danger you and...”
I expected her to say that word. ‘It.’ The implicit judgement that the subject was a thing; not a living, breathing creature.
“...you and she pose to others.”
“She isn’t– we aren’t dangerous!” I protested, clueless as to why I suddenly had my voice again. “We just want to live our lives in peace.”
“And how’s that working out for you?” she asked through half-lidded eyes. Coming out of her mouth, the unexpectedly casual phrase sounded far more like an insult than it would otherwise.
“We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t provoke them. They attacked her! You just said the law is on our side.”
She sighed. “My duty is to protect my subjects. All my subjects. There are concerns that go beyond the mere letter of the law. Is it right for an individual to pursue their desires when the result is social disorder and discord? Can I truly justify protecting your rights, even if it might mean violence and death for others?”
“Maybe,” I answered. I had never said something so utterly stupid in my life. I expected to be yelled at; the chances of my eardrums surviving the event not particularly high.
Instead, I felt myself being dissected by her sight.
Slowly, she nodded. “Maybe.” I had the distinct impression that she wasn’t speaking to me any more. “I have always believed that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Heavens know that I am not perfect. I have fallen short of my own standards more than once – this I am sure you know. But as romantic the idea of individual rights is, it is merely a means to an end. The happiness of one at the cost of social unrest is not a justified trade. In my judgement, the needs of the many must always take precedence. To put it simply, I am a utilitarian.”
I never liked philosophy, but I understood what she was saying. She was saying our love, our happiness, cost too much. Society was more important.
It was heartless, and I knew it was wrong. Still, I wasn’t about to argue ethical theory with my princess.
“And yet...” she continued slowly, “perhaps this is not a matter of pitting the individual against society, but in finding out what it is that society truly needs. Peace...” She paused for a moment. “...or enlightenment.”
Now I was confused.
“Bigotry,” she stated flatly. “Xenophobia. Racism. They are social ills – and that term is far more apt than most realise. These things are diseases, as harmful to society as cancer is to the individual. And, likewise, their treatment is not always pleasant.” She cocked an eyebrow as she studied me. It was as if I was inspiring some idea within her.
I didn’t like it.
“Dragonfly Dreams.”
I gaped, and it was likely that my jaw was hanging limply, marking me as the stupefied idiot that I was at that instant. I hadn’t expected to hear those words. I was constantly fighting against the word ‘it’, happy when I heard ‘she’, but...
“It is a beautiful name,” she confirmed what I had known for so long. “You truly love her, then?”
I closed my eyes, the answer already on my lips when she interrupted.
“Look at me,” she commanded, and there was no disobeying her. “Do you love her, knowing full well who and what she is? Do you love Dragonfly Dreams?”
“Yes, I do,” I answered with a certainty that I reserved only for the most undeniable of truths. “And I know she loves me. How can that be wrong?”
She ignored my question. “Then you think that it is possible for her to–” She halted for an instant. “...that it is possible for a changeling to love a pony? Truly, completely, and selflessly?”
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Why was it only happening now? Why did this question hurt me more than any other?
“I know it is,” I said, and once again stared down my princess. “Do you really think that a changeling can’t love?!”
She glared right back at me. It wasn’t as if I could actually intimidate her. “I think...” She paused again, and her expression softened. “I think any sentient creature is capable of love.”
Once again, I was speechless. That seemed to happen whenever I agreed with her.
She drew out a long sigh. “The law makes no distinction between ponies, changelings, griffons, dragons, or any other being. So long as both you and Dragonfly Dreams obey the law, you will enjoy its protection. Those who would harm you will be punished – including those two ruffians who attacked her yesterday. I will see to it myself.
“As for your little interspecies romance... personally I would advise that you not flaunt it. As Princess, however...” A tiny smirk crept onto her lips. “...I hope you do. Bigotry deserves no less than to be brutally called out and beaten down at every opportunity. It is the way by which society grows and improves.”
Well, this was a surprise.
“You may go,” she said with harsh formality. Which she then immediately broke with a warm smile. “And give Dreams my regards. After all... she gave up all she had to live here. She is one of my subjects now.”
My brain took some time to refocus on reality. The walk from the throne room to the outside never made it into my memory. The next thing I was aware of was the the sound of birds chirping and the early morning sunlight painting a golden hue upon the verdant surroundings.
And the face of my brother.
“Hey,” he greeted with a smile that I didn’t trust in the slightest.
“Hey, Wind Gust.” I answered, resisting with all my effort the urge to call him by his full, proper, and embarrassing name. “Were you waiting for me?”
“Yeah,” he said, still smiling, “I can see things went well in there. Listen, I need to talk to you about something.”
“About her?”
“Yeah.” His smile faded, but only just a little.
“I’m pretty sure you already told me everything, and I’m not in the mood to be insulted over my choice–”
“No, no,” he interjected. “Actually, I wanted to apologise for earlier.”
I looked him over skeptically. Something was definitely up.
He draped his wing over my back. A brotherly gesture of affection. There was no way it was real. “I’m sorry for calling you an idiot. And a disgrace. And a pervert. And a whackjob. And...” He rubbed his chin. “Well, I didn’t keep a list, so let’s just say I’m sorry for all the nasty things I called you.”
“‘Race traitor’.” I reminded him.
“Oh yeah.” He chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. “I guess that one was pretty bad, even by my standards. But, hey, that’s why I’m here. Let bygones be bygones. And just so we’re clear, I totally respect your right to make own choices about your life.”
“Uh-huh.” I wasn’t sure how it was possible to make that sound sarcastic, but somehow I managed.
“I’m being totally serious. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with it, that’s your decision.”
I shot him a glare that I hoped would cause him to burst into flames. No such luck.
“Right, I meant ‘her’,” he quickly corrected himself. “If you want to spend the rest of your life with her, it’s your choice.”
I stopped trying to set him on fire. Now, I just wanted to singe him a little bit. He was always proud of his tail for some reason, even though it wasn’t anything special. It seemed as good a target as any.
He flashed another smile, this one intended to look concerned. “I’m just worried about you. You know, as your big brother.”
There it was. He probably thought he was being original, but I’d heard it all before. “Don’t you dare say that she’s just using me!” I spoke up before he could start.
“Actually,” he countered wryly, “I was just wondering... if maybe your reason for being with it– with her, is that you’re the user.”
I blinked. “You can’t be serious.”
“Look, it’s not hard to understand. You probably know about this, but there’s this place... A group of changelings set up this brothel somewhere where ponies can have sex with them. The changelings get love to eat in exchange for allowing the ponies to screw them while pretending they’re somepony else. And it works! But it’s not like either side cares about the other. Using somepony doesn’t have to involve hiding your true species. It’s just about convincing them to give you what you want. So, now I’m thinking... are you just using her that way?”
I stared at him. There was that urge to immolate coming up again.
“It’s fine if you are,” he added. “I mean, I’m not one to judge. It’s just that you shouldn’t fool yourself into thinking this is something it isn’t.”
“August Winds,” I started, and was glad when he reacted just as I’d hoped – namely, as if I had just smashed his face with a brick. “I’m with Dreams because she is smart, kind, loyal, and beautiful. She makes me happy, and she makes me want to make her happy. I love her for who she is, not because she has some ability to satisfy my base desires. I’m not using her, and she’s not using me. And if I ever hear you talk that way about us again, I’ll personally tell Celestia who stole her cake that time, along with your address in case she wants to pay you a visit!”
His expression became a mix of fury and indignation, as well as just a tiny bit of fear. Perfect. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me,” I responded, putting a wicked grin on my own face.
For a moment, it seemed as if it might come to blows. I’m not brave, but fighting my brother was something I could gladly look forward to. Partly because I would probably come out on top. Partly because I had a lot of frustration I needed to let out, even after yesterday. But mostly because it would be fun. With him, it was always fun; even those times I lost.
He didn’t go for it, though. His head cocked to the side. “You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”
“So you finally figured it out, huh?” I quipped. “It only took, what, a year? I’m dead serious about this, Gust.”
He exhaled something that was halfway between a sigh and a grumble. “Fine. As long as you’re happy... I guess we’re cool.” He put on yet another smile, but this was a small, gentle one. A real one.
I mirrored it, and nodded. “Yeah, we’re cool.”
“I really did mean that apology, you know. I never should’ve called you those things.”
I could only nod again.
“And, look, if you’re really doing this, you should properly introduce me to her. To your girlfriend.”
What was he talking about? “What are you talking about?” I asked. “You already met Dreams.”
“Yeah, but we kinda got off on the wrong hoof.” That was certainly true. He had called her a ‘soul-sucking devil spawn’. That fight had been extra fun for me. “I figure, if she’s up for it, we could start over. You know, try again? Clean slate and all that?”
Well, this was a surprise.
I nodded a third time. “I’ll talk to her about it.”
“Great.” He rubbed my head in that horribly irritating way that big brothers are known for.
I cringed, but couldn’t hold in my grin.
“I’ll catch you later!” he called out as he lifted himself to the air.
“See ya!” I called out toward his rapidly-vanishing silhouette. “...August.” He couldn’t hear me, but I snickered anyway.
I was left feeling pretty good, but that was about to change.
I trotted over to the restaurant. It was called ‘The Dragon’s Pouch’. I had spent some time thinking about the meaning of that phrase, but I had concluded the founder was probably just drunk to high heaven when he thought it up. The place served some spicy dishes, which could sort of explain the ‘Dragon’ part, but the ‘Pouch’ could never make any sense. Dragons didn’t have pouches.
They were all on the patio outside, sitting around a table. Waiting for me. She, and my five friends. I had been feeling pretty good, but now I was in bliss. It was a simple, ordinary moment – just me and my girlfriend meeting up with friends for breakfast – but it was absolutely perfect. They had been worried about me, but with a smile and a wink I let them know my meeting with the princess had gone well.
I gazed lovingly at her; a lavender-coloured pegasus, with a raven-black mane and tail. I remembered when she had tried green, and we had both agreed how horrible her green hair was. The black seemed way more natural for her. Of course, I knew I would love her no matter what she looked like. I took a seat beside her, and kissed her openly. My friends didn’t flinch or look away. Not a single smile faded. Robin whispered something to Silver and giggled, but I knew it wasn’t at my expense.
I can’t say that I accomplished very much in my life. I’m not very brave or strong or smart. But one thing I did do well, one thing I would always be proud of, was my choice in friends. When I first told them about me and Dragonfly Dreams, a few of them had been offended.
They had been offended that I hadn’t told them sooner. Because I had actually doubted that they would support and accept us. I had had to apologise for that. It had been the most enjoyable apology I had ever given.
“Well, I’m starved!” Dreams said, eliciting laughter from the rest of the group. Changelings didn’t need material food; they could survive entirely on love – and couldn’t survive without it. Still, they could eat and enjoy various equine food products. I was happy that even though Dreams’ body was, internally, different from mine and my friends’, we could all enjoy this time with each other. After all, they were now her friends, too.
We ate breakfast together. Fried eggs with toast for me, pancakes for her, and various other foodstuffs for the rest. I told them about what had happened with the princess, and about my chat with Wind Gust.
“No offense, but that guy was always a bit of a jerk,” Robin told me. “How can you tell he’s serious?”
“First of all, Wind Gust is not a bit of a jerk,” I countered, “He’s a massive jerk. But we grew up together, and I know he’s not all bad, and more importantly, I can tell what he’s about. He means it.” I turned to Dreams. “Of course, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” I assured her.
“I wouldn’t,” Robin offered.
“No, it’s fine,” Dreams said. “I can tell he’s got some good in him. He hides it, but it comes out sometimes. Like that time after the party, when he protected me.”
I raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t the only one. “Wait, you mean after Sparks’ party? What happened? Why am I only hearing about this now?”
She chuckled. “Well, it was the usual story. I was getting hassled by a bunch of creeps, but then Gust came in and told everyling to buzz off and stayed by my side until I got home.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her use of the word. Changelings used words like ‘everyling’ and ‘anyling’ while ponies said ‘everypony’ and ‘anypony’. I had given up on trying to change her speech, especially since she made it clear that she didn’t want to hide her true nature. I secretly found her native phrasing to be cute, and a part of me would be sad if it ever disappeared completely.
Then the true meaning of what she had just said hit me. My brother had stood up for her?
“That dirtbag actually helped you?” I asked in disbelief.
“He did,” she confirmed. “Of course then he just took the opportunity to insult me some more, but it was better coming from him than from a whole crowd. I think... he knew what he was doing.”
I didn’t know what to say. I made a mental note to beat the tar out of Gust at some point. Then thank him.
We finished our breakfast and made plans to have the whole group meet up on the weekend, and parted. Dreams went home with me. We both worked odd schedules, so we had the rest of the day to ourselves.
My thoughts turned to more intimate themes.
I was still a bit wound up. I hadn’t had that fight with Gust, but there was another way I knew of to relieve tension. I waited until we were inside to broach the subject.
“Hey, D, I was thinking... since we have the rest of the day, and you know–”
“You wanna do it?” she anticipated.
I sighed. “It’s that obvious?”
She giggled, and the voice was like tinkling of bells inside my head. “It’s obvious enough to me.” She kissed me. “I love you,” she whispered softly.
I looked into her eyes. They were the same colour as mine. Appearances meant nothing, and I knew our eyes weren’t the same, of course, but still...
Identical colour. Maybe it did mean something. Fate, maybe. Even though I never believed in that stuff.
I knew in that moment that I would do anything for her. She had left behind her own home to be with me, and I was always ready to do the same. She knew it. If my earlier meeting with the princess had not gone so well, we both might have been out on the road right now, searching for that magical place where a changeling and a pony could live together without fear. But we had been lucky. We had a chance to make it work right here.
I kissed her back, and we both opened up to allow each to truly taste the other. Our first couple of kisses had certainly been awkward, but, like the rest of our relationship, the thrill of discovery backed by the security of trust had allowed us to figure things out.
She purred into my mouth as her tongue slid effortlessly and fearlessly over the sharp points of my fangs. My wings buzzed in a low drone, responding of their own accord to the electricity coursing through my body. My horn lit up instinctively and I took in the love she offered to me. It was sweet and pure; refreshing and satiating at the same time.
Though I had been told that a pony’s love would, in time, always grow stale and bitter, reality had continued to prove those words false. Her love tasted better every day. A small tinge of regret touched my mind as I remembered that she would never be able to taste my own feelings for her in the same way, but I quickly pushed that thought aside.
It didn’t matter. I loved her back, and I would spend every day making sure she knew that I did. No matter how hard things got for us, no matter the words of princesses or even our queen, we had each other. That would always be enough. She was my best friend. My only lover. My whole life.
My little pony.
I planned for this story to be a quickie at about 1500 words. I really don't know when to shut up.
Anyway, if you actually convinced yourself to trudge through a story where the only character tag is "OC" then I thank you. Also, what the hay is wrong with you? I'd never waste my time reading something so stupid.
Corrections, critiques, and death threats are welcome.
Wait what?
It seemed to me that who the Changeling was and who the pony was suddenly switched in those last few paragraphs.
1518502 Who says Changelings don't have their own princesses? They have a queen, so why not?
1518525
Nope, still doesn't make sense. You had the female using the terms everyling and anyling, and then said that she's doing it because she doesn't want to hide her true nature. Then you make the male the changeling instead. That doesn't work.
1517525
I looked at the comments just to see if such a thing was worth it, and color me shocked that it was.
But, I am really confused by the end.
SPOILERS
It doesn't seem to make much sense that the main is the changeling. Why would Luna call her (Dreams) an it, and a creature, if she wasn't the changeling? Why would his (I'm presuming gender) brother think he was using her in the way he thought if he was a changeling? It almost seemed like you switched perspectives without telling anyone.
1518559 That section takes on a different meaning if you change your assumptions.
Maybe im just having a mental eclipse right now, but
is there some unmarked viewpoint switch near the end? or is something very weird going on with who the changeling is?
Somehow im confused here.
Still, assuming theres either an viewpoint switch (which you should probably mark somehow) or something obvious is happening which i cant figure out, good story. T-up from me.
1518559
It works if both are female and the viewpoint switches at one point. but should be marked i think.
1518586
You also made the princesses magic blue when every changeling has had the exact same shade of green for magic. And had her check to see if the pony was using mind control magic when you clearly stated that she's a pegasus.
The twist doesn't work dude.
1518586
Well, that's not really changing assumptions, that's really more just adding things that weren't there.
But yes, I thought that the princess could have been a changeling princess, but I thought I read something that disproved it, and now I can't remember what it was. Also, now I see what you meant with his brother, how that could be turned around.
Wait a second, which one was the changeling?!
1518584>>1518599
Okay, I apparently didn't make it quite clear enough.
SPOLIERS:
The entire story is from the changeling's perspective. The princess at the beginning is not Luna, but an unnamed changeling princess. The only pony is Dragonfly Dreams. Every section makes sense from this perspective (or at least that was the goal) but the meaning is changed a bit.
The confusion I'm seeing tells me I didn't pull it off as well as I hoped. Oh, well. Will try harder next time.
1518603 I said the main character's vision turned blue. Not exactly the same thing. Of course, I was trying to set up incorrect assumptions here, but maybe I pushed too hard.
1518619 I don't think it's adding things that aren't there. You don't go into every logical detail when describing things; you allow the audience to fill in the details with what they know - or what they think they know.
Yeah, I get it. I was actually worried the twist would be spotted too early on and I pushed too hard in the other direction.
1518622
Sorry but no, your own interpretation dosent fit. It feels really weird telling that to an author, but the point were the brothel and were celestia are mentioned, and quite a few others, you really have to tie logic into knots to make it fit.
I can see what you were going for, but in that case you took it to far. Instead of making the viewer feel something along the lines of "i didnt realize it could be the other way around" or "he never said", it just feels like some bizarro twist or like an asspull, since your interpretation smply dosent seem to fit.
So, i will continue to consider it a story with a viewpoint switch, because i think its a good story like that,while with your point it seems not very well written. Of course it is your story, but with me you seem to have hit in a way you never aimed.
1518667
Just a little bit, yeah. When you put a twist at the end of something, if done well, it makes the story viewed in a whole new light. This one just made the story not quite make sense on the second read through.
Don't get me wrong,this is still well-written and interesting(and will get my like after this comment), but it needs some editing in order to make the twist make more sense in the context of the story.
1518695 I got rid of the mention of blue. I'm not changing the bit about mind control because I really really like that part. What it's meant to show is that changelings are misinformed about ponies; ignorance is the root of racism and bigotry.
1518693 Fair enough, and I'm hearing this from so many people, so I get it. But, at least about the Celestia bit; can you imagine a pony jokingly threatening another to sic Chrysalis or Discord on them? I can.
1518716
...Aaaaand now I'm getting the all too amusing image of a changeling infiltrating Canterlot palace just to tell Celestia who stole her cake.
So many confused guards. "What are we paid for again?"
1518716
I can imagine it, sort of. But in this situation, (assuming the everyone is a changeling thing) it sound off. Its not just what i mentioned, there are like a dozen spots were it dosent seem right. You were obvously trying for the viewer to have a shock/aha moment at the end, but with most you just get a "that and that and that dosent work/makes little sense for changelings/etc." instead. It crooses from what such a story should be, making the reader mislead themself with their assumption into the point were they are blutly mislead by the text in a not very convincing manner, moving emotions from something like awe to something like betrayal. In that respect, your story failed. But like i said already, its a great story from the other perspective.
1518622
everything works for me except the changeling saying "do you really think a changeling can't love?"
1518769 Well, the intent of that was "Do you really think I'm incapable of love?"
1518742 1518727 By the way, thank you both, and everyone else, for your comments. I can't really promise I'll be changing this story, except for maybe a few minor tweaks, but I'll be keeping every comment in mind for the future. I love the response the story has gotten, even if it's not entirely positive.
1518799
Not sure if a few minor tweaks will do. But the thing with the brothel and the questions about love with the princess are probably the most grating. Its more the whole view/society that dosent seem to quite fit changelings, and that wouldnt be easy to fix.
Oh, and i hope your not offended that i saved myself a copy of the story as it is now, so i can continue to enjoy my interpretation, just in case you do re-write it.
Nice! I liked the twist a lot, though I do agree with some of the comments that you may have worked just a little too hard to set it up as a trick. Describing the younger princess as "preferring the night," for example. I would have already assumed that it was Luna without that detail, based on her being the younger and scarier princess. But with that further detail of her preferring the night the coincidental correspondance between her and Luna becomes a bit hard to believe. And I too was overly confused by "I had given up on trying to change her speech," which very strongly implies that she hasn't changed her way of speaking. When I reach the end of the story I want to go "oh wow I made the wrong assumption!" rather than "oh wow I should have had a lawyer read this!"
Still, quite nicely done! Of course a story like this lends itself to nitpicking and disagreement, some folks will be fooled differently than others. Overall I liked it, don't tinker too too much with edits to please everyone.
1518716 Both of those were plausible details, IMO.
This is a story that really benefits from reading a second time. :)
1518851 The truth is, I consider this story "done". It didn't quite do what I intended, but it is what it is. It's very, very unlikely that there will be any kind of rewrite. And I am in no way offended by your interpretation. I'm personally am a big subscriber to Death of the Author, so I'd be a massive hypocrite to tell you that you shouldn't enjoy the story the way you prefer.
1518862 I'll consider tweaking both of these, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow. Thanks for the comment!
ETA: Actually, I won't be changing those. I absolutely appreciate your advice, and I understand what you mean, but as I was writing the story I got attached to certain aspects. The thing with the princess who enjoys the nighttime is a parallel between Equestria and the Changeling Kingdom, and I really like it, even if I admit it does stretch credibility to the breaking point. I changed the paragraph about speech only the tiniest bit; probably not enough to make any difference.
Really, it's done. It may be full of flaws, but that's the story. I won't hack it apart now. And hopefully I'll stop badly channeling M. Night in future fics.
My good sir, you are brilliant and more people should read this. I can't help but wonder what gave you the idea to write this? Regardless it is a wonderful story and I wish you future success.
i had a vage idea who the changling was, but couldnt put a solid point on who. but appon further examination of certain sections, I made the connection that dragonfly dreams was possibly the pony, the ending put the final piece of my mental puzzle into place. So, with that information in mind, the rest made more sense after the second read through. I like the concept and would like to see some more involving these characters. so, i would give this fic a 9.5/10 on a multi-re-read.
have some derpy for your work
I liked the bait and switch, but there were some errors in your story. For instance, why would Luna call a pony an 'it'? and also;
Perhaps remove the pronouns in these sentences like this:
(She purred into my mouth as her tongue slid effortlessly and fearlessly over the sharp points of my fangs. My wings buzzed in a low drone, responding of their own accord to the electricity coursing through my body. My horn lit up instinctively and I took in the love she offered to me. It was sweet and pure; refreshing and satiating at the same time.
Though I had been told that a pony’s love would, in time, always grow stale and bitter, reality had continued to prove those words false. Her love tasted better every day. A small tinge of regret touched my mind as I remembered that she would never be able to taste my own feelings for her in the same way, but I quickly pushed that thought aside.
It didn’t matter. I loved her back, and I would spend every day making sure she knew that I did. No matter how hard things got for us, no matter the words of princesses or even our queen, we had each other. That would always be enough. She was my best friend. My only lover. My whole life.)
Why is sudenly the guy a changeling when just momments earlier the female was a changeling? This makes no sense at all.
1520760 they are both mares there was a view-point switch near the end which I think should have been marked. If I'm wrong then Softy will surely tell us otherwise. However I find it confusing to think of it any other way.
Good job on hiding the tWist but the onlything that didn't add up was the restaurant scene and the scene where he descriped her outward appearance who in their right mind would die beautifull black with green ?
9.5/10 would read again
I have to admit, the plot twist threw me for a loop, and it did take reading it a few times (plus going through the comments) to make it make sense. Brilliant idea, and not something I saw coming at all. I'm giving this one 10/10 and five Spikes for being a cute story.
Plot twist is really good, but confusing. Skimming through again makes it more clear, but it was still a bit confusing.
As other readers have pointed out, the plot twist was incorrectly executed. It seems like it's something you thought up while you were halfway through and forgot to go back through and correct the rest of the story, but the concept is great, with or without the twist.
She sighed. “My duty is to protect my subjects. All my subjects. There are concerns that go beyond the mere letter of the law. Is it right for an individual to pursue their desires when the result is social disorder and discord? Can I truly justify protecting your rights, even if it might mean violence and death for others?”
Yes.
A society that would protect itself must place the rights of the individual FIRST. Because there is no smaller minority than the lone individual.
Rereading, and there's a couple of things that don't quite make sense.
If that's her natural form as a pony, rather than assumed with changeling shapeshifting, then why is "outwardly" in this sentence?
How could she possibly hide being a pony? She's a pegasus, not a unicorn, so she can't cast spells to change her form, and if she's living in a changeling city then presumably everyling else is walking around in changeling form. She'd stick out like a sore hoof.
1879813
Man, I had to go back and re-read those parts just to remember WTH I was thinking. Let's see:
1) Outward appearance has different meaning to changelings, because they can change it at will. Picking a form (other than the "default" changeling one) is like getting dressed up would be for ponies. It's more socially acceptable to comment on a person's wardrobe or makeup than on their natural appearance, so the way ponies would comment on another pony's choice in clothes is the way changelings would comment on a "chosen form" or "outward appearance". The main character is simply explaining things from a changeling point of view, even though it's not completely applicable.
I... hope that makes sense. It was a lot better in my head, but that explanation seems a bit jumbled. Sorry.
2) She could potentially try to say she's using pony form for practice or for fun or just to be different or something. I think I imagined that changelings would try other forms on occasion, even amongst themselves, for fun or as competition.
Or she could say she lost a bet and had to be a pony for X amount of time.
Imagination!
Huh, well, I enjoyed it. It was written in an almost conversational tone, and I liked that. The plot twist was pretty good, caught me by surprise. Character was fairly solid.
All in all, a nice read, definitely deserved its spot in Seattle's Angels.
*is reading through the story* Huh, not bad. Definitely liking it thus far.
*gets to the ending and spits his drink all over his monitor* WHAT?!
*goes back and reads the story over carefully a second time, his grin spreading with each passing second* Oh you wonderful bastard you. Now THIS was clever. Looking back, I am blown aware by how careful you were and kept the entire thing ambiguous. Everything said about the situation could have easily been to insinuate that Dragonfly Dreams was either a changeling or a pony.
Brilliant set up. Brilliant story. Brilliant twist. Especially cause you pulled it off, and you pulled it off well.
Added: Also, to all of you wondering why the princess was calling the pony an "it", I have to ask... do YOU consider a bowl of cereal to have a gender?
Congratulations on a front page review. I honestly would have missed this if it hadn't gotten there.
It's a great story. It's a great idea. I love the premise, the action, and the resolution. It left me warm and tingly, and I love that feeling.
But there are two points that really bugged me when I got to the end.
1 - Ponies referring to Dragonfly Dreams as an object - especially "...that creature." I understand that you're demonstrating the level of bigotry, but considering who the characters are, this level of de-humanization (I'm not ponyfying that for a forum response) feels massively excessive. If Luna reversed the character she was referring to, then it would make a lot more sense. I understand why you did it plot-wise, but it just doesn't match up with the personal preference that should be present.
2 - Luna checking the protagonist for the influence of mind-control? To me that's a hell of a stretch considering the characters. THAT right there is why I feel the story doesn't quite live up to its own plot. The problem is that Luna, who is aware of each character, makes no mention of having checked Dragonfly Dreams, has no intention of checking her, and Luna's actions in that scene make it seem like she's checking the protagonist first for some reason. This is preferential treatment that is both at odds with how Luna refers to Dragonfly Dreams (see my first point), and very much goes against the known/implied abilities of the characters. Along with this is in order for the protagonist to be under the influence of a spell, then a pegasus would need access to something that Twilight Sparkle is not shown having access to. Luna's treatment of the characters changes based on the needs of the story, not on the situation presented her, and unfortunately it tends to conflict with the reality of the setting background .
I think that with some careful revising that this would be a wonderful little feel-good look at the other side of things.
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Well played, sir, well played.
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I think my brain just did a 360 inverted kickflip. And I love it. This was brilliant.
1938953
Haha. Sorry. I had to laugh at your comments about Luna and I couldn't wait for Softy8088 to point this out to you.
It's not Luna. The name 'Luna' is certainly never written. The way you read this story is actually the wrong way around (which is understandable, because that's what we were meant to believe from the start). Go back, read it as if Dragonfly Dreams is the pony and the protagonist is the changeling ;)
1517525
I love your idea. It was quite brilliant. Upon re-reading, it is certainly obvious what you meant by the things you wrote.
I think maybe execution was a little off, but only as far as word choice. For me, it was them sitting at breakfast where the protagonist kept referring to changelings as 'they', when his train of thought would most definitely be in the mindset of 'we'. That seems more like you're purposefully trying to pull the proverbial wool over your audience's eyes in a way that's more lying than misleading.
Gotta brush up on your cheat words a little. ;)
1946082
Ah, you're right. I didn't read the author's comments. However, that just adds different points to my argument. Using an unnamed and un-described OC who is carefully crafted to look just like a well-known character in order to throw the readers for a loop, and who never actually gets revealed for what she really is, is not good writing. The physical setting is done the same way. This isn't an artfully crafted but misleading story that the reader can go in to and find little hints of the twist if they're careful. It just puts very obvious blinders on the reader that will leave people very confused without the benefit of the author's comments.
I'm afraid I'll have to agree with a lot of others here, the twist could have been done a lot better
There's being subtle about things, and there's straight up misdirection, and you used a bit too much of the latter here.
Outwardly, she appeared as a lavender-coloured pegasus, with a raven-black mane and tail.
This is the worst offender, I think. Directly implying that she's changeling. What makes this so bad, is that assuming the narration is the internal thoughts of the protagonist, he has no reason to think like that. It is put there purely to further throw off the readers. Not cool, man. Honestly, just get rid of "Outwardly" and this would be 100 times better. It would still be pointing towards the non-twist conclusion, but it would be much more gentle about it.
“...that it is possible for a changeling to love a pony?"
this would be a lot better if you simply un-italicized "changeling", I think. That way, it would seem less like the princess was questioning the ability of a changeling to love(which is just silly for a changeling princess to be doing) and that the protag simply misinterpreted her with his next question. This would fit a lot better with pre- and post-twist assumptions.
now for the good bits.
The reason I'm confused by all this is that other bits of the story are masterfully done with the perfect mix of subtly and vagueness. Like the bit with the changeling brothel. That was brilliant, and makes sense perfectly in both pre- and post-twist context. Same thing with the discussion about the accent or eating food. I thought at first it as more misdirection, but when i went back and read it, I realized it fits both ways as well.
You've got something great here, there's just a few bit messing up the rest of the story.
WOW. XD That twist... I mean, you never had anything concrete saying she was the changeling..... NICE. XD
That twist reduced me to monosyllables for several minutes. It's so out of nowhere and yet it all still works. Aaaah.
Brilliant.
Wait WHAT!!!!
Sadly, I had to read the comments to understand the rest of the story.
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Wow, that’s really cute stuff right there. The ending was a nice twist too but I think it could have used a little more exposition to clear it up.
Someone explain in great detail exactly what just happened. My mind is derp.
2531424 Glad you liked it. Yeah, the surprise wasn't handled as well as it should have been. I'm not going to change it now, though.
2532321 What happened was, you thought this was a story about a changeling living among ponies. But what actually happened is that no, you are the changelings.
Now, anyone mind telling me why I'm getting a sudden surge of faves on this story?