I like stuff. I dislike other stuff. I frequently dislike stuff other people like, and vice-versa. I'm not a troll; I'm a contrarian. I also write stuff, sometimes. It's not very good.
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They say that love knows no boundaries. This is the story of a pony in love. In love with a creature that, to most of ponykind, is nothing but a frightening, dangerous, deceptive, emotion-eating parasite. A creature that consumes love, and never returns it.
But what ponies say and what the truth is can be very different things. One pony makes the fateful decision to ignore the voices of society and family, and listen to the voice within...
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I planned for this story to be a quickie at about 1500 words.
I really don't know when to shut up.
Anyway, if you actually convinced yourself to trudge through a story where the only character tag is "OC" then I thank you. Also, what the hay is wrong with you? I'd never waste my time reading something so stupid.
Corrections, critiques, and death threats are welcome.
Wait what?
It seemed to me that who the Changeling was and who the pony was suddenly switched in those last few paragraphs.
1518502 Who says Changelings don't have their own princesses? They have a queen, so why not?
1518525
Nope, still doesn't make sense. You had the female using the terms everyling and anyling, and then said that she's doing it because she doesn't want to hide her true nature. Then you make the male the changeling instead. That doesn't work.
1517525
I looked at the comments just to see if such a thing was worth it, and color me shocked that it was.
But, I am really confused by the end.
SPOILERS
It doesn't seem to make much sense that the main is the changeling. Why would Luna call her (Dreams) an it, and a creature, if she wasn't the changeling? Why would his (I'm presuming gender) brother think he was using her in the way he thought if he was a changeling? It almost seemed like you switched perspectives without telling anyone.
1518559 That section takes on a different meaning if you change your assumptions.
Maybe im just having a mental eclipse right now, but
is there some unmarked viewpoint switch near the end? or is something very weird going on with who the changeling is?
Somehow im confused here.
Still, assuming theres either an viewpoint switch (which you should probably mark somehow) or something obvious is happening which i cant figure out, good story. T-up from me.
1518559
It works if both are female and the viewpoint switches at one point. but should be marked i think.
1518586
You also made the princesses magic blue when every changeling has had the exact same shade of green for magic. And had her check to see if the pony was using mind control magic when you clearly stated that she's a pegasus.
The twist doesn't work dude.
1518586
Well, that's not really changing assumptions, that's really more just adding things that weren't there.
But yes, I thought that the princess could have been a changeling princess, but I thought I read something that disproved it, and now I can't remember what it was. Also, now I see what you meant with his brother, how that could be turned around.
Wait a second, which one was the changeling?!
1518584>>1518599
Okay, I apparently didn't make it quite clear enough.
SPOLIERS:
The entire story is from the changeling's perspective. The princess at the beginning is not Luna, but an unnamed changeling princess. The only pony is Dragonfly Dreams. Every section makes sense from this perspective (or at least that was the goal) but the meaning is changed a bit.
The confusion I'm seeing tells me I didn't pull it off as well as I hoped. Oh, well. Will try harder next time.
1518603 I said the main character's vision turned blue. Not exactly the same thing. Of course, I was trying to set up incorrect assumptions here, but maybe I pushed too hard.
1518619 I don't think it's adding things that aren't there. You don't go into every logical detail when describing things; you allow the audience to fill in the details with what they know - or what they think they know.
Yeah, I get it. I was actually worried the twist would be spotted too early on and I pushed too hard in the other direction.
1518622
Sorry but no, your own interpretation dosent fit. It feels really weird telling that to an author, but the point were the brothel and were celestia are mentioned, and quite a few others, you really have to tie logic into knots to make it fit.
I can see what you were going for, but in that case you took it to far. Instead of making the viewer feel something along the lines of "i didnt realize it could be the other way around" or "he never said", it just feels like some bizarro twist or like an asspull, since your interpretation smply dosent seem to fit.
So, i will continue to consider it a story with a viewpoint switch, because i think its a good story like that,while with your point it seems not very well written. Of course it is your story, but with me you seem to have hit in a way you never aimed.
1518667
Just a little bit, yeah. When you put a twist at the end of something, if done well, it makes the story viewed in a whole new light. This one just made the story not quite make sense on the second read through.
Don't get me wrong,this is still well-written and interesting(and will get my like after this comment), but it needs some editing in order to make the twist make more sense in the context of the story.
1518695 I got rid of the mention of blue. I'm not changing the bit about mind control because I really really like that part. What it's meant to show is that changelings are misinformed about ponies; ignorance is the root of racism and bigotry.
1518693 Fair enough, and I'm hearing this from so many people, so I get it. But, at least about the Celestia bit; can you imagine a pony jokingly threatening another to sic Chrysalis or Discord on them? I can.
1518716
...Aaaaand now I'm getting the all too amusing image of a changeling infiltrating Canterlot palace just to tell Celestia who stole her cake.
So many confused guards. "What are we paid for again?"
1518716
I can imagine it, sort of. But in this situation, (assuming the everyone is a changeling thing) it sound off. Its not just what i mentioned, there are like a dozen spots were it dosent seem right. You were obvously trying for the viewer to have a shock/aha moment at the end, but with most you just get a "that and that and that dosent work/makes little sense for changelings/etc." instead. It crooses from what such a story should be, making the reader mislead themself with their assumption into the point were they are blutly mislead by the text in a not very convincing manner, moving emotions from something like awe to something like betrayal. In that respect, your story failed. But like i said already, its a great story from the other perspective.
1518622
everything works for me except the changeling saying "do you really think a changeling can't love?"
1518769 Well, the intent of that was "Do you really think I'm incapable of love?"
1518742 1518727 By the way, thank you both, and everyone else, for your comments. I can't really promise I'll be changing this story, except for maybe a few minor tweaks, but I'll be keeping every comment in mind for the future. I love the response the story has gotten, even if it's not entirely positive.
1518799
Not sure if a few minor tweaks will do. But the thing with the brothel and the questions about love with the princess are probably the most grating. Its more the whole view/society that dosent seem to quite fit changelings, and that wouldnt be easy to fix.
Oh, and i hope your not offended that i saved myself a copy of the story as it is now, so i can continue to enjoy my interpretation, just in case you do re-write it.
Nice! I liked the twist a lot, though I do agree with some of the comments that you may have worked just a little too hard to set it up as a trick. Describing the younger princess as "preferring the night," for example. I would have already assumed that it was Luna without that detail, based on her being the younger and scarier princess. But with that further detail of her preferring the night the coincidental correspondance between her and Luna becomes a bit hard to believe. And I too was overly confused by "I had given up on trying to change her speech," which very strongly implies that she hasn't changed her way of speaking. When I reach the end of the story I want to go "oh wow I made the wrong assumption!" rather than "oh wow I should have had a lawyer read this!"
Still, quite nicely done! Of course a story like this lends itself to nitpicking and disagreement, some folks will be fooled differently than others. Overall I liked it, don't tinker too too much with edits to please everyone.
1518716 Both of those were plausible details, IMO.
This is a story that really benefits from reading a second time. :)
1518851 The truth is, I consider this story "done". It didn't quite do what I intended, but it is what it is. It's very, very unlikely that there will be any kind of rewrite. And I am in no way offended by your interpretation. I'm personally am a big subscriber to Death of the Author, so I'd be a massive hypocrite to tell you that you shouldn't enjoy the story the way you prefer.
1518862 I'll consider tweaking both of these, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow. Thanks for the comment!
ETA: Actually, I won't be changing those. I absolutely appreciate your advice, and I understand what you mean, but as I was writing the story I got attached to certain aspects. The thing with the princess who enjoys the nighttime is a parallel between Equestria and the Changeling Kingdom, and I really like it, even if I admit it does stretch credibility to the breaking point. I changed the paragraph about speech only the tiniest bit; probably not enough to make any difference.
Really, it's done. It may be full of flaws, but that's the story. I won't hack it apart now. And hopefully I'll stop badly channeling M. Night in future fics.
My good sir, you are brilliant and more people should read this. I can't help but wonder what gave you the idea to write this? Regardless it is a wonderful story and I wish you future success.
I didn't pick up on a few of the subtleties but not that you've explained them its sorta of a face-palm moment. It's amazing how much thought and effort you put into your story and kudos to you. Something, something, your AWSOME, something, something, write more, something something something.... I'll figure out what point I was making later....
1519215 What gave me the idea? I honestly don't know. I get random thoughts about the MLP universe. Tons of them. Occasionally, very rarely, these thoughts are substantial enough to make the basis for a story, and then I see if I can work out a coherent plot. And then, I have to be in the mood to actually write it, and continue writing it without giving up after putting down three sentences. This story went through all those stages. Well, maybe "rushed" is a better word than "went". Still, that's the process.
Than you for the kind words! That kind of comment really makes my day. (Or night... I really should be asleep right now). I'm so very glad that you liked my story. In the end, that's what this fandom is all about; making people happy.
i had a vage idea who the changling was, but couldnt put a solid point on who. but appon further examination of certain sections, I made the connection that dragonfly dreams was possibly the pony, the ending put the final piece of my mental puzzle into place. So, with that information in mind, the rest made more sense after the second read through. I like the concept and would like to see some more involving these characters. so, i would give this fic a 9.5/10 on a multi-re-read.
have some derpy for your work
I liked the bait and switch, but there were some errors in your story. For instance, why would Luna call a pony an 'it'? and also;
Perhaps remove the pronouns in these sentences like this:
Ya, you layered the emphasis on way too thick...
(She purred into my mouth as her tongue slid effortlessly and fearlessly over the sharp points of my fangs. My wings buzzed in a low drone, responding of their own accord to the electricity coursing through my body. My horn lit up instinctively and I took in the love she offered to me. It was sweet and pure; refreshing and satiating at the same time.
Though I had been told that a pony’s love would, in time, always grow stale and bitter, reality had continued to prove those words false. Her love tasted better every day. A small tinge of regret touched my mind as I remembered that she would never be able to taste my own feelings for her in the same way, but I quickly pushed that thought aside.
It didn’t matter. I loved her back, and I would spend every day making sure she knew that I did. No matter how hard things got for us, no matter the words of princesses or even our queen, we had each other. That would always be enough. She was my best friend. My only lover. My whole life.)
Why is sudenly the guy a changeling when just momments earlier the female was a changeling? This makes no sense at all.
Well...as you and others have pointed out, you went overboard on hiding the twist.
Even so, after your explanations it makes sense, and I definitely enjoyed reading it pre and post explanation.
Nice story, nice plot twist, albeit too complicated and layered. But with your explanation and re-reading the story twice, I finally can say that yes, while I think it's too much, nothing you written directly states that main character is a pony or his\her lover is changeling. Few dialogues is not very believeable, but overall it is a good work. Thank you.
1520760
they are both mares there was a view-point switch near the end which I think should have been marked. If I'm wrong then Softy will surely tell us otherwise. However I find it confusing to think of it any other way.
1520760 1547867 What I intended is explained in the Author's Notes. Considering how many people I confused, I didn't get my intention across very well.
You may interpret the story however you prefer.
Good job on hiding the tWist but the onlything that didn't add up was the restaurant scene and the scene where he descriped her outward appearance who in their right mind would die beautifull black with green
? 
9.5/10 would read again
Finally got a chance to review this. Well I liked the fact that the Changelings are more "humanized" in this story. What I mean is they are not depicted as evil monsters. Least from what I got from this. I know in the finale, we only saw them as the antagonists, but I think this left it open for more development and expansion. Personally I like the changelings.
I have to admit, the plot twist threw me for a loop, and it did take reading it a few times (plus going through the comments) to make it make sense. Brilliant idea, and not something I saw coming at all. I'm giving this one 10/10 and five Spikes for being a cute story.
1619378 There are several stories that explore changeling culture. One I particularly liked, The Changeling Brothel (Warning: Clopfic), presents the changelings as a powerful and technologically-advanced nation. I admit that it gave me a couple of ideas. (Though my story does not take place in that "universe".)
1640566 I am honoured, dear sir/madam. I do believe those are the first moustaches I have received. I will treasure them. Thanks for reading and commenting! It always warms my heart.
I hate commenting before reading, but I have to know... Does the title have anything to do with "Pride and Prejudice"?
EDIT Okay, that question answered. Onward to criticism!
... I got nothing.
I mean it. When I see something off in a story, I point it out. This one was rather solid from any point of view, provided enjoyable read and even quite some thought-fuel.
One thing that still buggers me-did that book influence this story?
Reading this Author's Notes made me really happy; most authors would flip out that anyone dare criticize their "perfect" work, but you took it how one is supposed to, and used it to make yourself better. Kudos on you for not ragequitting.
1686898 Thank you! It clearly didn't work for everyone but the number of upvotes tells me I did something right.
Alas, there was no influence. I just grabbed a title at random. My formula for titling my stories: Pick a word in the story that seems kinda important and try to make a title with it.
1692496 Perfect? Hah! There are authors out there in the world and on this very site that make me feel like I'm a drooling illiterate.
I write for fun, but I publish so others can enjoy my work as well. If they don't enjoy it, or if there are things I can do to increase that enjoyment, then it's all on me. I don't like authors who get pissy about criticism, and I hope I never become one.
Plot twist is really good, but confusing. Skimming through again makes it more clear, but it was still a bit confusing.
As other readers have pointed out, the plot twist was incorrectly executed. It seems like it's something you thought up while you were halfway through and forgot to go back through and correct the rest of the story, but the concept is great, with or without the twist.
1719781 Indeed, I confused a lot of people. I won't be trying twists on this scale anytime soon.
1728604 The ending was written first, in fact. I was wrapped up in my own ideas and didn't correctly put myself in a reader's place. (I tried to, but failed.) Believe me, I was headed in the wrong direction and was still trying to think up ways to bury the true situation up until the moment of publishing so that no one would catch on until the end.
There were some very minor tweaks done after I started getting my first comments, so the story was originally even worse.
So, yeah, epic fail there.
I'm surprised how many likes this fic managed to get despite.
This is brilliant and should be taught as an example of a great fanfic about changeling/pony relations. While I prefer a more alien approach to how changelings work (mind expansion, odd tastes, etc.), I think your way of showing the many similarities between the creatures is far more unique.
1780661 Thank you very much, but "brilliant" may be going overboard. This story seems to work for some people, and not for others. I'm very happy you enjoyed it, though.
She sighed. “My duty is to protect my subjects. All my subjects. There are concerns that go beyond the mere letter of the law. Is it right for an individual to pursue their desires when the result is social disorder and discord? Can I truly justify protecting your rights, even if it might mean violence and death for others?”
Yes.
A society that would protect itself must place the rights of the individual FIRST. Because there is no smaller minority than the lone individual.
As someone who has written a twist story myself (and no, I won't say which one), I feel for you. I had to do a few gymnastics myself to keep it for 2/3 through the story.
1870622 OK, then.
I... didn't really want to spark an ethical debate here.
1870630 Heh, yeah. Though after the comments I got I feel like my gymnastics in this one ended up much like th- holy shit her name was Candice?!
Rereading, and there's a couple of things that don't quite make sense.
If that's her natural form as a pony, rather than assumed with changeling shapeshifting, then why is "outwardly" in this sentence?
How could she possibly hide being a pony? She's a pegasus, not a unicorn, so she can't cast spells to change her form, and if she's living in a changeling city then presumably everyling else is walking around in changeling form. She'd stick out like a sore hoof.