The Mask You Hide Behind

Autumn Shade moves to Ponyville with his long time friend, Oceanflame, hoping to find some peace from his tribulations, but, as they always do, thing go awry and troubles are bound to ensue...

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Cheer

Cheer #1 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · ·

Maybe more info on the Main characters? you just kinda throw them in there. How did they get the house? There's a bit you can expand on.

Quotation

Use Proper quotation marks

,,text" Is not proper

"text" Is correct

When talking about Pinkie and he says "You'll find out soon enough" This should end with a period not a comma

Maybe avoid using the saying involving "Truckload" due to the fact of no known proof of trucks existing in Equestria. Just saying.

If you edit it up I might check again. Till then (if it happens) I will reserve my thumb.

Good luck with the story. YBG out.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #2 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · ·

TWE's Scribblestick here with my helpful writing tips!

So I noticed in your Author's Note that you mentioned this is, like, your first story ever.

Welcome to writing, and welcome to FIMFiction!

Now, your rating count is currently at 0-2, which, while not bad, suggests room for improvement. Let's see if I can help you out.

First, this:

words „ words

What is that? The „ thing. I've only seen it a couple times, and I'm not sure where it comes from. Use "quote marks like these" at the beginning and end of spoken dialogue. This may seem nitpicky, but it was one of those little things that really distracted me while reading.

And you're correct in saying this needs more proofreading. I know it's a pain, but trust me, you'll get a lot more positive responses and better feedback in general if you take the time to seek out and eliminate every spelling and grammar error you can find. There are a lot of people and groups on this site that can help you out. Do a quick scan through that giant list of groups, and you're sure to find three or four.

But enough about details. Let's look at the big picture.

As a whole, your story isn't that bad. I've certainly seen far, far worse. Your OCs seem all right, and I like Autumn in particular. The biggest drawback is, despite your OCs, there's nothing really new here. Two new ponies come to town and get an aggressive welcome from Pinkie Pie. It's been done many times. It was even done in the show. Again, there's nothing bad about this, but there's nothing particularly good or original, either. Plus, you want to be careful about how your OCs interact with cast characters, as this is done poorly many times every day and, as a result, carries a certain stigma.

A quick note about tags. You want to flag the ones that represent the overall tone and overarching theme of your story, not everything that might be in it. I noticed you marked 'tragedy' and 'comedy,' which by definition are polar opposites. This doesn't mean you can't have a tragedy with funny bits or a comedy with some serious moments, but they can't both be the overall tone of the story. As a potential reader, it makes me wonder if you know for sure what you're trying to do with this story.

So, to summarize, I can see this story going somewhere, but there's nothing right now that makes it stand out. Also, try and take out as many spelling and grammar errors as possible.

Hope this helps! Good luck!