The Premiere

A new amphitheater has been just been finished in Manehatten, to celebrate a grand festival and concert have been organized. Watch as friendship and music unfold in 'The Premiere'

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1 · 25th Oct 2012 · 2,238 words
2,238
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Chapter 2 · 6th Nov 2012 · 2,014 words
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Chapter 3 · 8th Nov 2012 · 1,788 words
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Chapter 4 · 13th Nov 2012 · 1,637 words
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Chapter 5 · 20th Nov 2012 · 1,942 words
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Comments ( 8 )

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Cranberry Muffin

Cranberry Muffin #1 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I really want to read this, but the paragraphs are soooooo big that it's a turn-off and I don't have the energy to do it. Maybe break it up a little more to make it easier to read?

cory486

cory486 #2 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Thanks I will get right on that. It always has been one of my problems i put so much in the paragraph and can't figure out how to break it up.

cory486

cory486 #3 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1501579 Edit 1: I think I fixed it....or at least i made more paragraphs

Cranberry Muffin

Cranberry Muffin #4 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1501859

I don't have time to read it right now (work soon), but it looks much easier on the eyes! I will give it a look-see when I get home.

Causal Quill

Causal Quill #5 · Nov 20th, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 ·

The tags are a turn-off. Adventure AND Slice of Life? Aren't those contradictory? If it was tagged with only one, I'd read it... Although the character tags worry me too. Are you sure those are the most important characters? Spike seems particularly out of place. You misspelled Premiere in the title, as well.

I suppose I should open the first chapter anyways.

...

The writing seems mostly decent, although the spot where Spike meets the Crusaders is horribly jarring. It goes abruptly from an expository infodump about how everypony leaves to suddenly describing a 'this is actually here' scene with Spike and the CMC in one paragraph. The bit starting at 'Suddenly' really needs to start a new paragraph.

Your writing is overall not very sensorial. It's dry and there's little sense of being in the scene. The time flow within scenes is particularly erratic. Things don't seem to be happening in a perfectly linear fashion. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be paying attention to a character or to the narrator. The characters and the narrator have the same literary voice.

Finally, as I read, it felt like you were using too many commas. It mucks with the pacing and may be contributing to the sense of dryness in the text. You need a good run of commacidal editing. Just remember that when you're editing to remove commas, it isn't enough to just remove them. Sometimes you'll need to restructure sentences in order to make them correct with fewer commas.

I only read the first chapter. There's solid potential here, but it needs a revision pass to be enjoyable. I don't think I can read more at the present time.

cory486

cory486 #6 · Nov 20th, 2012 · · · Chapter 5 ·

Thank you so much I really do appreciate feedback like this! truly i do. Also This is the bane of not having a pre-reader or editor handy when writing or publishing. I will get right on fixing what I can promise!

Eclipseaurorastone