- Member Since 17th Sep, 2023
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
Metal Fiction
Just a dude who likes reading fanfiction
Metal Fiction
Joined 17th Sep, 2023 ·
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- JD1 · 7.9k words · 41 13 · 1.4k views
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You might want to space out what every character is saying instead of jumbling it together into one giant paragraph. It’s a bit hard to read.
She's hot in that pic.
JD1's got a point. it was very confusing and I couldn't make out heads or tails over what was going on.
If I may offer some constructive criticism...
The concept is fun and all, but there's not a lot to explain or bridge things that happen here. Things are just declared as happening and then the story says they happened.
But more importantly, Rarity doesn't read like her character. Her dialogue doesn't sound like her just because she says 'darling' every so often. It just reads like a regular person speaking.
These are hard things to work out when writing, so be aware I'm not drilling you for these shortcomings; rather, just giving something to think about for next time, or maybe to even revisit with this story.
Fix your grammar. "How you was" is broken grammar it needs basic past tense stuff and it needs to be "how you were" instead.