Salt Lick
“Oh god why?” Bob whimpered. The train rolled into town today, as it usually does, but with Celestia’s private train car on it. The human was blissfully unaware, since Rainbow Dash decided to stop by the library that morning, and read a Daring Do book while laying in the human’s lap. It was odd, for Twilight at least, to see the cyan mare to be so affectionate, but after Hearts and Hooves day, which was a few weeks ago, Rainbow did warm up to Bob quite a bit. Of course, Bob didn’t mind at all, with him officially stating that Rainbow Dash has to be the cutest pegasus he’s ever seen.
Rainbow Dash vehemently denied this fact, but then proceeded to nuzzle into Bob’s palm when he started rubbing her cheek.
There were a lot of signs that the pegasus was sending Bob’s way, but with his generally poor pony body language reading skills, couldn’t tell when Rainbow Dash was actually hitting on him. He just thought they were good friends, that happened to have gotten closer after a holiday. This got on Rainbow’s nerves, but she was perfectly okay with Bob not realizing she’s hitting on him… After Twilight pointed out why Bob would be terrible at reading the signs that Rainbow was giving him.
For one thing, Bob already isn’t a pony. And pegasi have a whole bunch of other bits in their body language that makes it harder for Bob to pick up on the signs. Luna, in all her glory, never really explained any of this body language to her human as she often ended up getting knocked out whenever she and Bob hung out; belly rubs put Pretty Pony Princesses to sleep.
Right now, however, Bob was slowly rocking back and forth in Princess Celestia’s private traincar. She and Luna stopped by in Ponyville, picked Bob up, and told him where he was going. Right to Salt Lick City, the same place that Bob first wandered into upon waking up in Equestria. One, so Celestia could announce Bob’s citizenship, then find the stallion that had initially attacked him. While nothing too severe could be given out, with the crime committed against the human being almost two years ago, he would at least be fined fifty bits for assaulting Bob.
And he’d spend a couple days in Salt Lick’s jail.
If the crime happened today, the stallion could face up to fifteen years in the dungeons under Canterlot. Death or banishment if the stallion’s attacks actually killed Bob.
Bob was holding Luna, having been excited to see her at first since they hadn’t seen each other since their concert… Then Luna became Bob’s emotional shield as he was told where he was going. Bob basically buried his face into Luna’s back, right between her wings and was absolutely nervous about going back to Salt Lick. And terrified. Luna was more than understanding, and due to the nature of pony biology, chairs were more akinned to couches that can easily be laid on. So Luna rolled onto her back, before hugging the human’s head to her chest.
Chrysalis almost came as well, but at Luna’s request, stayed in Canterlot to watch over things while the Sisters were gone.
At least, Celestia and Luna believed that Chrysalis listened and remained in Canterlot to run at least Day Court.
Nopony noticed a short, pegasus mare with acid green eyes on the train car ahead of them; nobody would with them boarding directly onto the royal car.
“Oh god…” The human finally unearthed his face. “Why did I agree to this?”
“You wanted to talk to the filly you initially bumped into when you first came into Equestria,” Celestia said. “Are you scared of what will happen?” The train ride was going to take a couple days, since Salt Lick was on the other side of Equestria from Ponyville.
“What if somebody wants to hurt me again?” Bob asked. “I know I have nothing to fear, mostly, but usually I’m with somepony. Sure, you and Luna can be great deterrents from people who want to murder me, but what is stopping somebody from taking a quick snipe at me and possibly kill me?”
“If that is to happen, then not only will I ensure that you survive,” Luna growled. “Whatever creature dares touch you will end up on the moon by the time I am through with them. And trust me, that is a death sentence. I would know; any spells that can be used to send a pony to the moon will grant them the ability to breathe in space. It will be slow, it will be lonely, and they will slowly starve to death.”
“This is going to end poorly,” Bob sighed. “Hopefully I get to see that filly at least. She was kinda sweet, and if nothing else, a new place to explore without possibly getting murdered. That sounds fun.” Bob laid his head back on Luna’s chest. “Well, hopefully everything goes well, I’m going to take a nap.” The human idly stroked the Moon before snoring soon followed. Luna squealed a little, before rolling over and nuzzling him.
The Elements had joined along, and watched the unfiltered display of Luna snuggles and nuzzles. Rainbow’s wings ruffled slightly and she sighed; that should be her giving that human nuzzles and snuggles. Twilight shrugged before crawling up on the couch with Celestia on it, loafing, just like her teacher currently was, before Celestia summoned a book for the two of them to read. The others proceeded to quietly chat, to not disturb Bob, in case he starts panicking about going to Salt Lick again.
“This is unfair,” Rainbow grumbled, crossing both her forelegs and pouting.
“What is, dear?” Rarity asked in a hushed voice.
“Look over there!” The cyan pegasus threw her forelegs towards Luna and Bob. The human had managed to reposition his head so that it was lying just under Luna’s jaw.
“Is somepony jealous?” Rarity asked in a teasing tone.
“Duh, Bob should know that we’re a couple now!”
“I don’t think he does,” Apple Jack pointed out. “As far as he’s aware, he probably thinks you started warming up to him a lot more.” She shrugged. “Given that he spends all day in the library, writing songs, I’m surprised he still remembers us. He’s only started hitting it big in the music industry after all,” the farm pony added with a grumble.
“Actually,” Fluttershy spoke up. “I stop by on occasion, and Bob drops everything to spend some time with me. He just assumes we’re all busy, so he just spends time practicing,” the pegasus ‘eeped’. “I don’t know if Bob is okay with me sharing that.”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “He opened with that when I mentioned how we haven’t gotten much of a chance to really know Bob.” The pegasus grumbled. “When he got to spend some time with me, he was all too happy to be doing something with somepony else.
“Then he spends all his time with that old princess instead of with us!” Rainbow hush-shouted. Luna’s ears flicked in the group’s direction, but she made no reaction to whether she heard Rainbow Dash or not. Bob quickly sat up with a long stretch, looking around before his eyes fell on the five mares. The pegasus's eyes widened and her ears flattened. Luna had definitely heard her if Bob apparently did with his weaker hearing.
“Oh… I thought I was dreaming,” Bob shrugged before waving at Rainbow. “Yo, come over here!” The human waved. The pegasus’s eyes darted left and right, before she bent over in her seat. seeing as there was no way out of what was going to happen, she hopped out of her seat before trotting over to the human and the Princess.
“What were you talking about?” Bob asked. “I heard ya whisper-shout something about somebody being old.” The human explained.
“I…”
“I believe our friend is a bit jealous of you spending time with me, Bob.” Luna said, having closed her eyes to try and take a nap as well. Rainbow was now staring at the ground, her wings shuffled a bit.
“Dash, why are…” The human hummed. “Ah,” Bob got up off of his live, alicorn bed, before kneeling in front of Rainbow Dash. He brought a hand under her jaw before rubbing it. “You know, if you wanna start trying to date me, you can try,” Bob said. “I just haven’t tried anything for a myriad of reasons. I dunno if you actually wanna date me, or if you just have a crush on me for starters…” The human shrugged. “And ponies, and horses, exist on Earth. They aren’t intelligent, just dumb, smelly animals that can just about figure out that they are alive and have to do things to keep being alive. Getting past that is still gonna be a challenge for me, but I can probably overlook it.
“I just don’t think we can have sex, ever, because that’s a line I won’t cross. On top of that, I’m still half expecting some random pony to kick the shit out of me.”
“You seem nonchalant about talking about whether or not you and Rainbow Dash would ever mate. Are you certain you’re seventeen?” Luna asked.
“I accidentally walked into a cave one night, out in the wilderness. Uh… my cave was occupied by a couple of bears, a breeding pair,” Bob waved a hand. “After seeing the shit they were doing, I’m not even phased.”
“You watched bears… mate?” Rainbow asked.
“No, I saw them, was shocked for a moment, and then ran away as soon as the shock left my body, I snuck away and never went back to that cave ever again. Asshats stole a cave from me that had a week’s worth of supplies in it.” The human sighed. “Glad that that time of my life is over.” The human pulled Rainbow Dash up onto his lap. “But I ain’t replacing you, or Luna, ever. Luna’s my best friend, and I’m starting to like you a lot. Just say the word and we’ll have dinner at some kinda fancy restaurant, or not. Fancy never struck me as something you’d wanna do.”
“We… could have some Hayburgers Al’Round at Salt Lick,” Rainbow suggested.
“I can’t eat there; everything is made of hay, and I literally will die if I eat it…” The human rubbed his chin. “We could bake pizza together. I could teach you how, we could spend some time together, and it’ll be a fun thing. We’ll have to wait until we get back home, but it’s a date idea.” Rainbow Dash’s expression immediately lit up at the prospect of having more pizza. “Sounds like a plan?”
“Yeah, that sounds… great actually. Bucking dammit! The mare’s supposed to come up with dates, Bob! Let me feel like a mare that’s wearing pants in this relationship!” Rainbow pouted.
“We’ll take turns,” Bob chuckled. “Dad raised no asshat; I’ll be a gentleman for ya. Though I think you’d hate it if I tried to pamper you too much…” The human grinned. “Though I don’t think you’re above a massage?” Rainbow’s eyes lit up at that again. “Eeyup, no matter the universe, a woman loves to be loved and cared for,” the human chuckled. The human moved Rainbow around, who didn’t protest at all, and started working on her shoulders. “I’m not trained, but I’ll be damned if hooves can massage better than human hands.”
Rainbow was fast asleep by the time Bob was done massaging her.
The rest of the train ride was a blur. Bob, Luna, and Rainbow soon found themselves in a pony and human cuddle pile for most of the trip.
As soon as Bob stepped off the train, the first thing he did was hide behind Luna for cover, peeking over her back occasionally to try and see what ponies were thinking of him. Obviously, it wasn’t everyday that the Royal Pony Sisters randomly show up in a town that is a long way away from Canterlot, so ponies would stop and stare and bow as the sisters walked by. Mostly to Celestia, but none of the ponies were screaming ‘Nightmare Moon’, which Luna was all too glad for. A few ponies did immediately catch sight of Bob and immediately started giving him stink eyes.
The Elements of Harmony, with them being the national heroes that they were, were well received by the townsfolk.
“Go to my sister,” Luna suggested. “She’s better with defensive magic, should anypony be foolish enough to strike at you.”
The human didn’t need to be told twice, Bob darted past the other ponies, with Rainbow hot on his trail, and Twilight was ready to cast a spell should the need arise. An onlooker yelled. “Watch out Princess!” Before Bob slipped beside Celestia, who was quick to drape a wing over Bob’s shoulder and pull him closer. The sheer warmth that the alicorn gave off made Bob relax slightly. The bystanders watched in pure shock as the Bringer of the Morn only flinched slightly at contact with the human, before she noticeably relaxed and nuzzled Bob’s cheek.
“You aren’t comfortable at all with this, are you?” The Princess asked.
“No, I’m not. I know I said I wanted to see that filly I first ran into, but I was thinking you’d find her and her family and ask them to come meet you in Canterlot… It would probably be easier to come all the way out here, so we don’t have to mess up anyone’s schedule, right?” Celestia nodded at the human’s question. “Darn,” the human sighed. “Nobody’ll take shots at me, right?” Bob asked.
“Bob,” Princess Celestia sighed. “You have myself, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle. Two of which are very powerful, very experienced alicorns and battlemages. Twilight learnt magic directly from me since she gained her Cutie Mark. On top of that, you are surrounded by mares that have saved the country twice now. Nopony would dare take a shot at you, with the chance of possibly striking me on accident. And nopony would attack you if they see me doing this,” Celestia raised her wing and pulled Bob even closer. “Because they would gather my ire, my sister’s, and all of your friends. They would be put on trial for not only attacking an Equestrian citizen, but would result in a severe punishment for attacking a minor.”
“...Huh…” Bob nuzzled his cheek into Celestia’s neck. “That sure does help a lot, with my safety, I mean.” The human chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just… I dunno. Some nut job will wanna take a shot at me even with every sign that they shouldn’t. You… would do your best to keep me alive if somebody did actually hurt me, right?”
“I am ten years older than Luna, and I had aspirations to become a medic before I became an alicorn, Bob. Guess who kissed and magic’d away Luna’s booboos when she got hurt?” Luna snorted at the teasing tone in her older sister’s voice.
“You?”
“Indeed. Now, I still hold a passion for being able to lend a hoof should any hospital need my help. With thousands of years of experience, with a little sister who took heavily after my interests… If you somehow got killed by anypony, Luna and I already would’ve been killed.”
“And you two don’t typically do the dying part of life.”
“We can still be killed, do not get me wrong, but it would not be easy. Granted, we both have gotten close… hence my jumpiness, but you would be hard pressed to find a civilian in Equestria that can harm myself or Luna, and would be willing to. I couldn’t get anypony to slap me on the cheek even if I paid them to.” Bob grinned, before hopping up and lightly smacking the back of Celestia’s head. “You aren’t a pony, Bob.” The Princess deadpanned before looking teary eyed. “How could you strike me, my fair human? I thought we were friends!” Celestia stopped, sat on her haunches and held a hoof up to her cheek, keeping Bob under one of her wings the whole time. “Do you wish to hurt me so badly?”
Bob reached over, even while knowing Celestia was pulling his leg, got up in the ‘crying’ alicorn’s face, before nuzzling her nose with his own. The princess completely stopped in her tracks before smiling. “That… Oh Bob, I need to teach you where to actually nuzzle a pony! That would be something a lover would do!” Bob backed away in a heartbeat, his cheeks were now red while the Princess laughed, the Princess, laughing in public. That got a lot of ponies looking at the group’s way. Well, more ponies were looking their way than there were before.
“No it isn’t, sister.” Luna rolled her eyes. “It’s something ponies, usually siblings or good friends, do to each other. You should know this, filly.”
“You just had to ruin my fun, didn’t you, Lulu?” Celestia giggled before nuzzling Bob. “I’m glad you decided to do that. It was… quite touching, to be simply honest with you. Especially after…” Bob gave her the stink eye. “Nothing happened between us,” the Princess nodded. “Nothing at all.” The human gave Celestia a thumb’s up, before the group started moving again. Bob started feeling a little more confident, taking a slight lead.
“Come on! The Princess is in town-oof!” Bob paused when something ran into his leg just as he rounded the corner.
Or rather, somepony ran into his leg. Bob slowly looked towards the ground to see… a yellow, unicorn filly with a black mane. She just bumped into the human, and was just getting off the ground. Now present was a cutie mark on her flanks… A simple, cartoon-style storm cloud with a lightning bolt striking down from it. She was a little taller than the Crusaders were, so that made Bob assume she was probably older than them. This time, accompanying her were two other unicorn fillies. They seemed to be about her age, both were almost identical to each other.
They both almost looked like mini-Rarities with Twilight’s mane. They were white, almost completely white, their manes, while in the style of Bob’s favorite unicorn, were inverts of Twilight’s mane. They had pink manes, with a violet streak going through them. Their tails matched their mane in color, and the only big difference between the two, besides their cutie marks being a plus and minus sign respectively, had blue and red eyes to match their marks.
“Howdy,” Bob waved, and knelt down. “I believe you and I have met before,” lending his hand to Zippy. The unicorn stared at him for a few seconds before her eyes widened. “What? Am I scary now?”
“You need to leave,” Zippy said frantically. “You need to get out of town. If you don’t, then daddy will hurt you again!” The filly walked up to Bob and gently nudged him. “Go! You’re nice, but Daddy doesn’t get it, so we need to-“
“Eh, this time around, things are different. Nobody’s gonna hurt me, Bob offered his hand. “Lemme help you up.” Now, there was a level of gentleness in his voice, that nopony present had heard from the human before. “I won’t hurt ya either. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt such a cute little filly.” All the mares present held their breath, in order to stifle a giggle. The filly, as red as a beet, took the human’s hand and got to her hooves. “So,” Bob patted the filly a few times. “What’s your name?”
“It’s… Zippy, sir. Why do you think nopony will hurt-“ Zippy paused as both she and her friends; they finally noticed Princess Celestia staring down at them from over Bob’s knelt down form. “Princess!? What are you doing here?”
“I am ensuring that, as Princess of Equestria, that a citizen of Equestria,” the Princess ruffled the human’s hair with a hoof. “Doesn’t get assaulted while the locals get acquainted with him… I heard some unpleasant things happened to Bob before, when he first came to Salt Lick, some of which involves your sire, Zippy.” The filly’s eyes widened.
“Is he going to be banished?”
“No dear, he will simply be doing community service and serving a short amount of time in Salt Lick jail. Had this crime happened more recently, he would be spending a few years in Canterlot’s dungeons. However, if your father refuses to do community service after he is released from jail, then he will be spending the full sentence of assault in Canterlot’s dungeons; retained for four years with a magic suppressing ring.”
“Oh… Well, he did hurt somepony. Even if the whole town was in on it-“
“The mayor will be giving a formal apology to Bob, as well as a thousand bits to pay for the medical expenses that he had to get after being assaulted,” Luna stated. Both Princesses almost ‘aw’d when Bob picked Zippy up and started holding her like a puppy. The term filly would be almost too generous; Zippy was nearly sixteen with how big she was. However, to Bob, she was merely the same size as a large dog, so he didn’t mind one bit with the strain that the teenager was giving him.
“This is nice,” Zippy hummed. “Munim, Plusi, you two gotta try this,” she cooed when Bob started scratching her chin.
“But… look at how big he is!” The filly with the plus cutie mark pointed out. “What if he eats us?”
“I don’t eat fillies.” Bob said plainly. “At least, I won’t eat them out. That doesn’t sound legal.” Bob snickered when Zippy seemed to be the only one who got the joke, who was giggling along. “I will probably eat this one, though. Unicorn meat is quite juicy…” Bob mused before laughing at the shocked expressions of the other two teens. “Nah, I don’t eat anything that can think and talk. That’s just screwed up.”
“So you aren’t a monster?” The filly with the minus sign cutie mark asked.
“Nope. Well, we’re all monsters on the inside, kiddo. Not everyone is a good person, not everyone is a bad person. Morality isn’t black or white. As far as we’re aware, you’re just a pony, and I am just a human. Nobody is perfect,” Bob nods to Celestia. “Nobody should be a leading example. For instance, Zippy’s Dad tried to murder me for massaging his kid. Even Princess Celestia isn’t perfect; she tickled me for thirteen minutes straight on the train here.”
“Now that doesn’t sound like something the Princess would do,” the plus-signed filly said. “That sounds awful.”
“It is true,” Celestia said, taking her crown off her head and holding it to her chest, much like somepony would at a funeral. “I too, am a horrible pony… granted, I have done far, far worse than that. As Bob said, not everyony is perfect.”
“We’ve all got skeletons in our closet,” Bob adds. The human waves a dismissive hand. “Enough of this shit, though.” The human scratched the back of his head when Apple Jack gave him a very disappointed look, one not too dissimilar to what a mother would do when she catches her child with a hand, or hoof, in the cookie jar. “We agreed to save all the big, important stuff for tomorrow. Because somebody didn’t wanna tell me we were staying the night in Salt Lick.”
“Well… I figured you and your friends would like to explore or partake in some activities before we leave tomorrow night,” Celestia hums. “I may or may not have snatched your guitar and snuck it onto the train when you weren’t looking. I know Salt Lick has a love for its music; there’s even clubs where various artists can go and perform…” The Princess smirked. “I may have put your name on one I like to visit whenever I am in Salt Lick.”
“You bi-” the human cleared his throat, remembering his company. “Big, red dog.”
“Were you about to call the Princess a bitch?” Zippy gasped. “That’s horrible; you shouldn’t do that!”
“...How old are you?” Bob asked.
“I’m nearly seventeen!” The filly admonishes Bob again for almost cursing the Princess out.
“That is quite alright, young Zippy. Bob and I are close friends; if I wasn’t fine with him calling me that, I wouldn’t let him call me that anywhere.”
“So,” Twilight interrupts. “I don’t know much about Salt Lick, have you been here a lot, Princess?”
Celestia hums. “I have shown up in town quite a bit in the last fifty years. Sometimes nopony recognizes it’s me for one reason or another. It’s quite like Baltimare or Manehattan, but much smaller and less daunting.” Everyone looks shocked at that. “Canterlot, despite it being the capital, is not that big of a city. Both Manehattan and Balitmare dwarfs it in population and area, and with those skyscrapers as well…” The Princess giggles. “So whenever I manage to, I sneak out of the castle for a few days in disguise. Often here to experience the ‘nightlife’. I do have several stops in mind, however. Would any of you like to go shopping? It’ll be my treat.”
Rarity, Zippy and her two friends, all seem to glow at the idea. Because they all have nothing else to do, everypony else agrees. The human, however, remembers something from the few times he helped Rarity whenever she went shopping. “Wait up, as the only guy here, besides Spike…” Bob set the young unicorn down in realization.
“Yes, you two will be carrying everything,” Luna says with a smile. “Worry not, myself and my sister won’t be getting much besides momentos.”
“Hey Spike,” the human started. “I think I saw a bridge I can jump off of. Good luck-” the human was picked up by Twilight, Luna, Celestia, even Rarity’s horn was lit. Everypony that was there, that knew Bob, was glaring at him. The human felt his legs get anchored to the ground.
“What didst we say about committing suicide, Bob?” Luna growls. “Do not joke about such matters, Bob!”
“I wasn’t actually going to do it,” Bob admitted. “Uh… sorry about that, everyone. I forget that jokes that usually fly with… other humans don’t fly with ponies all that well.” The human chuckled. “Things like dying, and various other ways of dying are things that a lot of humans like to joke about… I wasn’t actually gonna jump off a bridge, by the way. I just remember going shopping with a spoiled, rich girl back in middle school. It wasn’t a date, I think, I was only around eleven at the time and her mom was present. I ended up sitting around in the waiting room of dressing rooms for minutes, or carrying a lot of things for her and her Mom. It was awful.” The human shivered. “Well, the girl kissed my cheek afterwards and giggled and fluttered her eyes at me several times. Even asked me about how she looked. I dunno if she liked me; she never got the chance to tell me since her family had to move a couple months later..”
“...You were that child’s special somepony,” Rarity says flatly. All the ponies using their magic on Bob's legs let go of him.
“...Shit dude. Well, I don’t think it matters now, clearly it doesn’t now, but I wish I coulda at least see her again at some point. She was a good friend of mine at the very least, no matter how snobbish she was.” The human sighed before following the group of mares. As he had predicted, he and Spike, and Celestia and Luna, spent a solid amount of time waiting for the rest of the group to try on a bunch of outfits. Even if Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack were forced into trying on some frilly dresses. The human, dragon, and Princesses either couldn’t fit the dresses, or cared about dressing up enough to try new clothes on.
Luna wasn’t happy about not being able to ‘go shopping’.
“I see why you didn’t want to go shopping now, Bob,” Luna grumbles. “None of the shops carry anything in my size.”
“At least you can possibly squeeze into a dress,” Celestia sighs. “I hate being so big.”
“Hey, at least a lot of stallions like your butt,” Bob offered. “I can’t say much about pony attractiveness, but I assume the slender long legs and your flanks make a lot of ponies wanna sleep with you. Though many probably don’t for a myriad of reasons.”
“...A majority of my mail, that instantly gets thrown out, are love letters,” Celestia admits. “Luna’s gotten quite a bunch after her little concert. A few actually sent letters to ‘Nightmare Moon’ because they find that alter ego attractive for some reason.”
“Well, it did look really cool,” Bob admits. He turned to Luna. “You gotta let me cuddle up with you in town square, on Nightmare Night, in Ponyville. That would be fucking hilarious.”
“Why would it, Bob?”
“Just think. The big, bad, scary boogie mare… is actually a huge snuggle monster. We could have a whole booth set up and everything; fillies, colts, mares, and stallions. If they wanna snuggle with the Queen of the Night, they can. It sounds funny in my mind at least.”
Luna looks thoughtful at the prospect of having a bunch of foals laying on the side of her belly. “I believe we will have to do that this year,” she admits, “that sounds like a lovely idea. Though I don’t get the fascination you have over my alter ego. I get why some weird stallions do-”
“Honestly, it’s cool, and kinda beautiful,” Bob admits, leaning back on the seats, which were weirdly built like some couches for dressing room-waiting rooms. “I still obviously prefer you as Luna. But seeing it every now and then, mostly on Nightmare Night, would be pretty sick.” Now, Luna was blushing.
“I-I… Did not think the form I dawned upon becoming jealous would be something so many ponies would think is pretty. I especially wouldn’t have expected that from you.”
A few moments later, Zippy ran out. “Save me!” She hopped up on the couch and hid behind Bob first, surprisingly. “Plusi’s been making out on stupid dresses for the last hour! I just wanted to try out one.
Behind her was the plus signed-filly. “But having more options is better! How else would we know that blue goes nicely with your coat?”
“...Color theory?” Bob asked.
“The buck is that?” The minus-signed filly asked, trotting beside her twin(at least Bob assumed they were twins). Bob assumed that was Minum, as he didn’t actually ask who was who). Even Celestia and Luna raised an eyebrow.
“Y’all don’t know what that is?” The human asked.
“I never heard of the term in my life, dude,” Spike said flatly.
“I never did either,” Celestia and Luna said at the same time.
A purple flash made Bob yelp. Now, Twilight was standing in front of him with a notebook and pen, in a black dress she was trying on. How she had heard Bob was beyond him.
“Uh… I don’t know the specifics, honestly. I do know it’s a thing used to explain why some colors look nicer than others. Three primary colors are red, blue, and yellow. You can mix blue and yellow to get green, red and yellow for orange, and blue and red for purple. Purple, orange, and green are secondary colors… that’s what I got from Elementary School art class, at least. There is something called a ‘color wheel’ that humans use, which is how humans organize the colors. I think the further away two colors on the wheel are from each other, the worse they look together. Blue and yellow are pretty close to each other… I don’t know. But basically, yellow and blue look nice, but blue could make your coat look brighter than it usually does.
“It’s all preference, really. I think a black dress would look nicer on you. It would match your mane, and black and yellow is a tried and true color combo.” Zippy hums in thought, before shrugging.
“You… think it would be nice?” Zippy asked.
“Yeah. don’t think you’d need a dress, at least. Your black mane, on your yellow coat. That looks pretty damn cool if you ask me.” The filly’s cheeks slowly started becoming orange.
“...Thanks Bob.” Celestia and Luna started giggling at that; Bob had unknowingly struck a nerve for most fillies, and mares; they are very conscious about their mane and coat colors. Being told that their fur and mane look nice is a good way for a stallion to start off with flirting. The human was completely oblivious to this fact, or the fact that Zippy was now blushing. Zippy did allow herself to get dragged away to try a black dress on… it was kinda sparkly too. When she came out, Bob whistled.
“Holy shit, if you wore that at a party, I’m sure tons of colts will be flocking you.” Now, Zippy’s cheeks were bright red. She nods before quickly disappearing into the dressing rooms.
“Bob,” Celestia giggled. “You probably just made Zippy’s day,” she kept on giggling.
“What? I called her pretty.”
“...You don't even know what you’ve just done,” Luna giggled some more.
By night, Celesita had led the group of ponies into a club, having given Bob his guitar. So far, nopony had tried to attack the human, and the fillies were dropped off at their homes for the night with how late it was getting. However, before rounding the corner to Zippy’s home, the group decided it would be best to let the filly return home alone. However, that didn’t stop her from pulling Bob to her level with her magic, and planting a kiss on his cheek. The human’s brain decided to factory reset as the human processed the fact that he was kissed by a horse.
After being signed in, Bob noticed a drum set for those who didn’t want to lug around an entire drum kit, and an idea immediately came to mind. The human nodded along to some of the music that was already playing, and everypony seemed to be enjoying himself… Even if by the fifth song he was bored. It wasn’t that the music playing wasn’t bad, it was just all the same in the human’s mind. He could hear the same four chords he’s heard in plenty of pop songs.
So by no means was anything even wrong, it was just boring him. Especially when each song was about love, finding love, following your dreams, never giving up, or generally just ‘feel good’ songs. By the time Bob got on stage, he had listened to about six or seven of the same songs with different lyrics. The human hummed as he remembered a few Irish songs. Of course, all chatter, dancing, and what-have you stopped when Bob went on stage.
“Howdy everybody. Here’s a song from my home, well not exactly my home; I’m not Irish, I just like their music.” Bob figured he wouldn’t play anything that could ruin the good vibes that the club was feeling, so a good old, barebones song to break up the monotony of what he just heard sounded like a good idea.
Hell, he could play two instruments at the same time while doing so with such a barebone song.
The human sat himself behind the drum kit. Bob set his foot on the kick drum pedal, and grabbed the sticks. Why a pony would even need a drum kit that was clearly built for bipedal creatures was beyond Bob, but he didn’t care. He brought both sticks down, doing a quick drumroll before discarding them. He pulled his guitar around. He slowly worked out a tempo using the kick drum before he hummed a few times. “This is about a drink that can sink all your sorrows and raise up your joys. Most of the ponies there were pleasantly surprised with a simple drum, along with a guitar to accompany a song that was… really just Bob singing. Sure, the drum was there to keep track of time, and the guitar accompanied the lyrics that left the human’s mouth…
But it seemed like the lyrics were at the forefront of the song with how basic everything else was. Eventually, Bob kept using the kick drum, but started also using the guitar to keep beat, using it as a makeshift drum kit. The crowd watched as a creature they had chased out of town, two years ago, happily sang a song about whisky, the very drink that was largely being hoofed out at the club. The song was… very different from what a vast majority of the ponies had heard the whole night as well.
On top of that, the percussive guitar style that Bob was doing seemed completely unorthodox; it was hard to do with just hooves after all.
Meanwhile, at Zippy’s house, the filly was happily snoozing away, while a certain Queen was watching through the window. Chrysalis latched her hooves onto the walls of the house, and was absolutely silent. She climbed around the building until she caught sight of Zippy’s sire, sleeping amongst a pile of mares. The Queen glared at him, before leaping off the house and flying into the night sky.
The next day was a blur for Bob; he was handed a thousand bits, received a public apology from the mayor, and toured around the city.
Zippy managed to find Bob, with Salt Lick not being particularly large, with it only having one hotel in the entire city. The two decided to explore, and Zippy wanted to go shopping much to Bob’s expense. The shopping trip was actually rather quick, so the two were just sitting outside of an ice cream shop on a bench. They were waiting for Luna and Celestia to stop by while the two diarchs went to pick up the filly’s father from his workplace.
“You know,” the filly said, licking an ice cream cone that the human had just bought for her. “You never did finish rubbing my belly… It felt really nice when you first did it.” Bob chuckled.
“You know, if you wanna be spoiled, you can just say so. I don’t mind spoiling cute girls.” Bob, once again, didn’t notice the redness that was growing in Zippy’s cheeks. Within a few moments, Zippy was laying across Bob’s lap. Her ice cream cone had fallen on the ground, long forgotten, as a belly rub put her into pure bliss. “That,” the human chuckled. “Is absolutely worth the few minutes I lose whenever I rub a pony’s belly.” He giggled and pulled the filly up.
“Oh, you never learnt your lesson, huh pal?” The filly shot up from the human’s lap as a stallion, colored exactly like Zippy walked up with Celestia and Luna at his heels. “Do I have to beat the crap out of you again? Keep your hands away from my-”
“Mr. Bolt, if you attack Bob again, you will be going to the dungeons.” Celestia warned. The stallion recoiled, before turning to see Luna glaring at him and Celestia simply smiling serenely(even though Luna and Bob could tell that she’s forcing it). “I believe sitting outside is rather poor for a meeting. I know of a small cafe I like to visit whenever I’m in town. Shall I take us there so we can discuss something of importance?”
“What about the monster holding my daughter?”
“He’s not a monster, Dad! He was just rubbing my belly and he bought me ice cream!”
“Zippy, be quiet!”
“SHUT UP!” Luna shouted. “Come sister, lead us to this cafe. I could use some coffee, and I would rather not hear this pointless back and forth.”
“I agree, come along everyone!” Bob smiled slightly; that was a slight adjustment Celestia made that had to be intentional. Celestia lowered herself to the ground so Bob could climb up should he desire. “Would you like a ride? It is a far walk from here, and I am certain your legs will get tired.” Bob glanced at the stallion before flipping him off, receiving a brief, confused look from Zippy’s Father, before hopping up on Celestia’s back.
Both unicorns took a double take at that. Now that the slowest of the group was on the Princess’s back, the group walked all the way across town to a tiny little cafe, ordered some coffee and were promptly served. The five creatures got situated pretty quickly at a table towards the back of the dining room for some privacy. There were couches that Zippy had borrowed. She laid in Bob’s lap and sipped on a sugary cup of coffee and whipped cream while Bob rubbed her ears, much to her Dad’s chagrin. Celestia is the first to break the silence of the group after draining her cup of coffee in a second. A mare, that had seemingly popped out of thin air, walked up to the counter to order something. She kept her eyes on the group, namely the stallion, Bolt Strike. Her eyes bore into him, sensing something she wouldn’t have expected from a creature of prey:
Bloodlust. Bolt Strike was glaring at the human the whole time while feeling bloodlust.
“So, Mr. Bolt,” Celestia said calmly. “I believe you understand why we have sought you out,” the Princess calmly said, nudging her sister. The stallion slowly looked at the human and back to the Princesses with a slow nod.
“Your highnesses, with all due respect, I think there’s a huge misunderstanding…” Bolt Strike chuckled nervously. “You see, that thing,” he pointed at Bob. “Was holding my daughter captive and-”
“Bolt, you have a long history of being rather… violent if your criminal record says anything. You have been involved in numerous bar fights in the last month and have been arrested for several of them. You have several harassment charges held against you for harassing a few griffin couples and the occasional minotaur.” Celestia stated. “Bob, along with another witness,” she pointed a hoof to Zippy. “Have been tested under a lie detection spell; you instigated the situation that led to Bob being assaulted by the entire town.
“Now, while I could throw you in the dungeons for years, I will offer you an ultimatum,” Celestia started. “Apologize to Bob,” she nosed the human. “And go spend a few days in the local jail and a couple weeks of community service, along with a small fine. Or, go ahead and serve the full sentence of unwarranted assault on another, sapient being. Your choice, Mr. Bolt.” The stallion masked a growl.
“I suppose that’s better than spending a few years away from my daughter,” the stallion agrees. A magic suppressing ring was placed on his horn.
“Now, let us enjoy some coffee before we have to take you to Salt Lick’s jail,” Celestia hummed.
Bolt Strike glared at Bob the whole time, who wasn’t completely oblivious to the looks the stallion is giving him. The human chose to ignore it, and instead chose to instead put his focus on the filly laying in his lap. Since Luna didn't occupy the human lap(she was forced to sit by Bolt just in case he tried anything). Zippy didn’t notice the looks her Dad was giving her new friend, so she just happily indulged in her sugary coffee and the ear scratches she was getting.
“Zippy!” The stallion pounded a hoof on the table. The filly flinched. “Why are you letting that thing treat you like an animal? How doesn’t that feel demeaning?” He snarled.
“It feels nice,” Zippy said, ears pinned against her head. “When I first bumped into Bob, before you attacked him, he started petting me. Admittedly, it does feel a tiny bit demeaning, but it feels so good that I didn’t mind.”
“And Zippy’s nice and fluffy; humans love nice, fluffy creatures, and those fluffy creatures usually enjoy petting.” Zippy’s cheeks flushed a little; calling a mare fluffy is usually very flattering to them. This elicited a glare out of Bolt Strike.
“Come on Dad, Bob isn’t that bad. He can sing and play the guitar!” She smiled brightly. “And he’s nice,” Celestia and Luna were struggling to keep a straight face. The filly sounded like she was showing her special somepony off to an unapproving father.
“But he’s treating you like an animal! You’re a proud unicorn, your heritage is a long line of Royal Guards! You should-”
“I’ve watched Bob run into a pegasus mare, a guard,” Celestia interrupts. “Even though the poor dear got an earful for it, she didn’t mind being petted at all. She quite enjoyed it and only got an earful because she rolled on her back and let Bob sneak into my sister’s chambers shortly afterwards.”
“She was a bat pony,” Bob said. “She was fucking adorable, with those bit poofy ears and little fangs hanging just a bit out from her upper lip. I had to rub her belly. She was pretty chill about the whole thing.”
“And we let her off the hook,” Luna said, she said after swallowing a bit of pineapple that she had bought on the way to the cafe. “Your hands are quite formidable, as it seems.” The human and the Princess giggled, while Zippy rolled over onto her back. “It seems as though somepony would like to see what happens when you use your dangerous weapons.”
Bolt Strike had to stop himself from reaching over and biting Bob’s hands off while the human put the teenager into a state of pure bliss. Zippy’s tail wagged in sheer content, and by the end of the belly rubbing, was sleeping in Bob’s arms. “Shit.” The human stared down at his latest victim. “I have to carry her now, don’t I?”
“No, you won’t.” Bolt, having enough of Bob’s presence, waited for the group to finish off their drinks and headed out onto the street. As soon as Bob managed to wake up Zippy and set her on the ground, that’s when the stallion pounced. While he wasn’t as tall, and lacked his magic, he was still a reserve for the Royal Guard, and easily had a hundred pounds on the human before him. He tackled Bob to the ground, driving his hooves into the human’s chest.
The human wheezed and started coughing violently as the air was knocked out of him. His ribs let out a sickening crunch while his head cracked upon slamming on the ground.
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF HIM!” Celestia and Luna had little time to react before a pegasus flew into the stallion, erupting into green flames. However, they were quick to try to stabilize the human, who had broken ribs, his head was cracked open, and Bob was knocked out. The sisters both blasted him with every healing spell that they could think of. While the human was still unconscious, he at least wasn’t going to die.
Celestia picked up Bob a moment later, without skipping a beat, she started galloping towards a hospital.
Luna looked up to see Chrysalis beating Tartarus into Bolt Strike, before letting off the now unconscious stallion. Zippy was staring in fear at her father more than the changeling that had wrapped Bolt Strike up in a gym bag. “Is Bob okay?” The Queen asked.
“My sister just took him away so we could get more thorough healing for Bob.” The Queen nodded, before turning to the filly.
“I apologize for-”
“Why would my Dad hurt Bob?” Zippy whimpered. “He’s a good pony! So why did he have to go attack my friend!”
“...Not everypony is as they seem, young one. Even the ponies we want to believe the best in,” Chrysalis said, lifting the gym bag that had the unconscious stallion’s left, hindleg poking out of it. “Come, we can go put this meatbag into Salt Lick care before he gets shipped off to Canterlot’s dungeons for the foreseeable future.” The Queen growled. “He is lucky that the crime occured on Equestrian soil; he would have been executed on the spot if he did that in the Hive. Your father’s still not getting off the hook easily; Bob is a legal citizen of both the Hive and Equestria, so he has to go through trials if we even give him a chance to defend himself.”
“I hate my Dad,” Zippy grumbled. “He hurt somepony twice for no reason.”
“Many more times than that, Zippy,” Luna corrected. The group started moving along. “Your father’s background… isn’t good.”
“I know… sometimes he beats my dam when he drinks. I love him, he never lays a hoof on me, but… I thought he was a better pony than I’m starting to think he is.”
The three started galloping in the direction that Celestia had run off in.
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Perfect!
Assault escalated to hate crimes, Assault of wife, and Assault of a minor in front of royalty while under arrest. He not getting out any time soon.
Much better.
Honestly i like this retcon much more then before. Because the killing bolt from chrysalis had me going "....WHAT."
Honestly you think he would think better than attacking someone right in front of 2 princesses who considered that person a friend. But I think he doesn't really care about anything but what he wants. Even if he recovers from the queen attack he going to be in so much trouble that he be forced to count whatever blessings he gets. He is a monster who doesn't have any love for others that he should care for.
Hell's bells have now ring... Soon there will be one less pony and one new arrival in the pit of hell. }:)
100% agree with this retcon even though Bob got hurt also the royal are gonna throw Bolt in a box and destroy the key
Do you like this anything better then Chrysalis just killing bolt this punishment is much more worse attacking Bob in front of the 2 princesses his own daughter and in a public place no mercy Chrysalis biting the living shit out of hem was wat the doctor ordered
That is a good retconn I like this ending much more then the old one.
Thank you very much :)
Do like the rework you did for the end here, shame we don’t get best princess in a heard sooner but eh oh well, enjoying it and hopefully we get a zippy in the skittle herd. Great chapter and once again I do prefer this chapters end compared to the previous one.
I like the idea that Chrysalis and Luna’s relationship burns out slowly but I do hope you keep the best buggy queeny around. All she needs is a friend that treats her like a being and not a monster, bob is great at being buggy queen’s friend.
All I can say is Bolt Strike got KNOCKED THE FUK OUT!!!!!!
Okay. It seems to be a consensus that your alt ending for this chapter has scored with the readers and fans of the tale. And I wholeheartedly agree with it. The previous ending seemed a little too whacked with Chrissy dusting the meany stallion with a bad past out of the blue. This was a much better outcome.
Yet it does leave an innocent filly hanging. True, she does have a mother, who should instantly file for a divorce (if such exists in Equestrian law). Also, the state of Bob's health now is a thing to pass onto the following chapter.
What does Ziggy mean that whenever her father drinks, he beats up her dam?
Anyways I really like this retcon/rewrite of the chapter with Bob being injured and Bolt being thrown in the dungeons for attacking Bob for no reason other then being xenophobic.
11801561
Her dam would be her biological mother in a herd.
Her sire would be her dad and her dam's herd sisters would be her other mothers.
If you're curious to learn more, Life Finds a Way is pretty herd centric and also just really good, highly recommended.
But yeah, this ending is so much better.
It doesn't feel like you had Chryssi drop a UY Scuti sized idiot ball in this one.
11801578
Normally I avoid herd and rgre stories with humans in them because they wind up being extremely sexist but I will give this one a shot
11802073
i’ve read it recently. it’s a really slow, slice of life that still has me going 770k words in. in other words, slow but really damn good.