Queen Cheese Legs.
A few weeks had passed since the Canterlot Wedding. Twilight and her friends got to go home while Bob had to stay behind in Canterlot just to help out with the negotiations between Queen Chrysalis, and Princess Celestia.
Even if Bob didn’t even pay attention to said meetings; they were boring.
Cadance and Shining Armor were sent on a very extended honeymoon. Everyday that Bob spent in the Canterlot Castle, he ended up sneaking into Luna’s bed chambers to snuggle with her at night and talk about some ideas for their upcoming concert. They agreed to try and debut their band at the end of the concert Bob had already planned on doing with Octavia. So far they came up with a song they had drafted called ‘Nightmare Night’ and had stolen fifteen bags of popcorn from the royal kitchens.
Despite being asked to have a chat with them, Night Light and Twilight Velvet haven’t stopped by to have a chat with Bob.
Right now, however, Queen Chrysalis had left her room and had gone right across the hall… to Bob sitting with a notebook. Azolf was laying under the bed, with his head poking out. The two of them were playing a friendly game of chess. Both had opened up with a simple pawn moving forward, with Bob’s pawn starting out on his king, whereas Chrysalis had moved the pawn in front of her left bishop. “So,” Bob said. “How are the negotiations going? Because I’ll be real with you, Chrysalis, I wasn’t paying attention to half of them.”
“They are… going well. Though it just seems like all the terms are things that my Hive will have to do for Equestria just for a chance at a stable food source. Of course, I will choose a stable food source at any cost, but Princess Celestia has yet to even present anything that will keep my children fed. I like thinking ahead. If what I think is happening looks bleak, then I will not choose to sign the treaty.” Bob moved his queen, which had a pony equivalent that Bob couldn’t be bothered with remembering, and moved it.
“You also need to counter argue, y’know. It’s a wee bit hard, given that you’re basically getting your arm twisted into agreeing, but remember, your changelings could probably bring Canterlot to its knees and kill everyone if you want them to.” Bob shrugged. “I dunno though… checkmate, by the way.” Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at the board before glaring at the human. Not too long after she giggled.
“Oh, it has been so long since I’ve been checkmated in three turns… though it’s been so long since I’ve even seen a chess board. I suppose I should also think about now rather than later.”
“I say just sign now, have changelings gather ambient love, but hound Celestia into finding a stable food source ready. If she doesn’t get a stable food source ready quickly enough, then say the treaty is null, and threaten to burn down Manehattan or something; that’ll make her speed up her research. She may be bending your arm, but she has no clue where your Hive is, and you don’t have to tell her where any Hives are. She may be bending your arm now, but you can bend hers even harder later.”
“Are you certain you are sixteen?” Chrysalis asked.
“Yeah. Listen, humans have had this song and dance before, and while Highschool makes history boring as hell, I do find history to be intriguing… it’s a shame that schools in Equestria don’t go super in-depth with history, or I’d have a reason to keep going to school here… Anyways, small tangent aside, I can give you suggestions, but I don’t have the technical know-how to make said calls. If you think what I said is a good idea, go for it. Just don’t burn Ponyville when you go to twist Celestia’s arms; I kinda live there and I don’t want to watch my home burn down.”
Chrysalis giggled. “I will not hurt you, Bob, do not worry. Don’t be surprised if I kidnap Twilight so the Elements of Harmony cannot be used on me.”
“Just don’t murder her, she’s my snuggle buddy on the weekends.”
“...I will consider it. I’m still mad at you, by the way.” Chrysalis pointed at the chess board. “Three bucking turns, and you checkmated me. You are lucky that my son is in the room, or I would be cursing like a sailor.” The next seventeen games of chess were spent with Bob severely losing every game. Aside from the initial slip up, Chrysalis read the board like a hawk while holding a light conversation with Bob.
It got so bad that, even with Azolf’s help, Bob still lost by a significant margin.
The weeks following this little meeting were a blur to Bob. All he could remember was that a treaty was actually signed. Twilight and her friends were called in to do something for Celestia, and immediately shipped off to somewhere called the Crystal Empire. Cadance and Shining Armor had returned from their honeymoon and shipped to the Crystal Empire about a week before that. Meanwhile, Bob and Luna, had at least six or seven songs planned out for their band’s debut in the Canterlot Mane Street Theater that Octavia was going to be present for.
Now, Bob was sitting across from Celestia, after she hard barged into his room, having tea. Well, Bob wasn’t sipping any of the tea that the alicorn was giving him. Through Luna, alicorns have very strong immune systems and have a better tolerance for poisons than regular ponies, which were already more tolerant to poison than Bob was. So he just sat and watched as the alicorn sipped on some goldenrod tea, or something stupid like that.
“Why did you need to talk to me?” Bob asked, putting his still full cup down.
“I was just having a chat about how you and Luna are getting along… I watched the two of you dance at Cadance’s wedding reception, and saw how you two looked in each other’s eyes while singing that song about snow. With how close you two are… It makes me feel left behind.”
“...You accused me of trying to poison several ponies, and would have thrown me in the dungeon if Rainbow Dash didn’t get up and immediately asked for more fruit cake. You don’t trust me, so why should I trust you? Just ignoring everything that Luna’s going through, that you do nothing about that makes me hate you more, how much trust have you given me? The last nice interaction we had was when you draped a wing over my back during Nightmare Night, and you were trying to make sure I wasn’t actually touching your side.”
“I do trust you now, Bob. Just open up and tell me what you and Luna are doing.”
“...Writing songs? Luna’s great at that, by the way. We have this song called Paint the Moon Red, which is actually going to be the star song on the album that’ll be released after our concert. You wanted to lock me in Canterlot Castle for no fucking reason, so I’m making the most of it, and trying to see if turning Luna into a musician will change how your ponies perceive her. Out of anyone, that mare deserves more than what life’s giving her. What is she getting? Sitting in a room, doing basically fuck all because she can’t do anything outside of said room without starting a stampede, eating ramen and reading a bunch of documents full of worthless shit.
“If Luna likes performing, hey, she and I have something else we can do together and love doing. So far, she loved helping me perform during the reception, and I love hearing her sing. It’ll be a win-win for the two of us; Luna will get accepted, I can hear her sing, we split the profits and party at midnight.”
“Oh…” Celestia sighed. “Is that really all you two are planning?”
“Well, yeah. Aside from sleepovers, or seeing if I can buy a house so I stop being a burden on Twilight. If Luna wants to quit dealing with this shit, I’m gonna try and get a house big enough for two. Hell, yesterday, Chrysalis offered to build me a house for free, for helping her out during these last few weeks. So she’s doing a good job at earning brownie points from me.” The door opened and Chrysalis walked in wearing a chef hat that Bob found to actually be really cute on her, and an apron. She had her eyes closed and suspended in her magic was a dish with brownies in it. She stopped and opened her eyes upon sniffing the air.
“Princess Celestia, please stop harassing my ambassador. I can sense his animosity towards you, and it is almost sickening just how much he hates you. With how willing Bob was to sit with me and play board games, and not even flinch when I snarl at him for beating me in a stupid way, I think you would have to do a lot to make him angry.” Celestia slowly turned to Bob.
“Ambassador?” She asked.
“Chrysalis, why did you call me that?”
“To ‘take the piss’ out of Princess Celestia. That is how you use that phrase, correct?”
“...You know, hearing you ask that with the head tilt…” Bob chuckled. “Fuck, I thought you were terrifying when I first met you. Anywho, Princess Celestia, fuck off.” The Princess huffed before walking out the human’s room. “So Chrysalis,” Bob turned his focus onto the Queen. “Why did you walk in here with brownies?”
“I am a mother, Bob. I know a thing or two about baking treats for my changelings whenever I get the chance… granted I can’t do it for every changeling at a time, but sometimes I would like to hold a week long event where I bake as many treats a day, and give them out to my subjects. Rinse and repeat. You are definitely a child, you helped me and my children get a chance at a stable future, and this is my thank you gift…” She offered the human the dish. To the human’s surprise… The brownie was pre-sliced and was actually pretty big.
The human’s eyes widened when the brownie ended up being incredibly good. “I take it that you enjoyed it?”
“This is the best fucking brownie I’ve ever had… and my brother worked for a bakery; I always had really good brownies on standby. And these are better.”
“Good, because I put bleach in them.”
“WHAT!?” Bob shouted. “What the fuck did you say you put in them?”
“Bob, do you think I would try to poison you? I am trying to be your friend, not murder you. If I wanted to murder you, I don’t need to poison you. Secondly, Azolf would yell at me for hurting you in any way, shape, or form.” The Queen giggled. “Oh, the look on your face! But no, there’s only normal ingredients in these brownies, I just cooked them in a specific way to make the insides nice and melty…”
“Ah, so this is like a lava cake…”
“What… is that?” Chrysalis asked.
“Basically a brownie with a melty, chocolaty inside. Those are awesome.”
Chrysalis nodded before taking the dish from Bob and setting it on the nightstand. She then promptly picked the human up, by taking the back of his shirt in her mouth, somehow without tearing it, and carried Bob over to the bed. In moments, Bob was being snuggled by a changeling queen, and he wasn’t complaining too much. “By the way, one of my scouts said they saw two ponies, both of whom are related to Twilight Sparkle, that will be trying to see you sometime in the next hour. I shall remain with you while they talk to you, as I hope to try and mediate just a little bit.” The human nodded.
The human spent that next hour idly petting Chrysalis, at some point, he ended up on her back, and was combing her mane with his hands.
“You know, I had a thought.” Bob said as Chrysalis purred. “You and Celestia are around the same age, right?”
“I am only a thousand years old, give or take; changeling queens can live for thousands of years, but we are not immortal. Why do you ask?”
“I dunno. Doesn’t it make not a lot of sense as to why Celestia’s the way she is? You’re super chill once I got through your rough exterior, Luna’s a sweetheart, and she’s older than you are. So why is Princess Celestia such a cunt?”
“...I believe it may have to do with how a thousand years ago, since I believe I was around for it, every other politician on the planet wanted to try and kill Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to try and take their abilities to control celestial bodies. Then the final nail in the coffin is when Princess Luna caved into all the hatred she received throughout the centuries prior, and tried to kill her sister as well. Though it does not explain why she is so scared of you. Perhaps it’s because you’re something entirely new? My drones have been across all of Equus and none have reported anything like you.”
“So because she has no background knowledge of me, because humans aren’t a thing in this world, she’s terrified of me?” The human asked.
“Possibly. Keep in mind just how quick that old hag was to stick a magic inhibitor on my head, or how she only gradually gave back some of Princess Luna’s duties. Out of every single creature on this planet, I, on enough love, or Princess Luna, are the two beings on the planet that can kill her. I cannot truly fault her for being scared, but when Princess Luna returned, my drones reported that she was trying everything to just spend an extra hour with Princess Celestia. It’s clear as day that Luna did adore her sister and wanted to make up for what she did in any way she could think of. I would not have attacked Princess Celestia after the idea of peace was put into my mind. Which is where I can fault her.
“Princess Celestia simply does not know when to relax. Her country, until my invasion, has seen nothing but peace since her sister was sent to the moon. Yet she still thinks somebody is going to stab her in the back, poison her, or maybe her own sister will turn on her again… Despite Luna trying to make pancakes for Celestia on her first night back in Equestria,” The Queen hummed. “I cannot see how she thought you would be a threat either; you’re a little scrawny as is. Despite what you said, you were very easy to make friends with, which makes me wonder how much Princess Celestia has hurt you.”
“Hey, you didn’t accuse me of trying to kill everyone at a party. And while you did some fucked up shit to the people I love, you at least tried to be a decent person to me. After… some recent experiences, seeing a friendly face is a nice change of pace. Though as Twilight said, it’s a little freaky how you can go from snarling at a guard, to literally nuzzling and babying a changeling, or me, in a heartbeat.”
“I can be sweet and cuddly to those I love, Bob. I can be equally cruel to those I consider my enemies. You and I are not too different in that department.” Chrysalis sighed and nuzzled into the human. “If you require anything, such as shelter, should these ponies ever cast you out, contact Bon Bon, she may not be a changeling, but I have worked with her in the past. She can get you into contact with one of my drones, and I can offer you sanctuary from there.”
“I don’t think that’ll happen. Luna will burn down all of Canterlot before she lets anyone bring any harm to me. The thought’s nice though.”
Chrysalis giggled. “I forget just how close you and Moonbutt are. Oh, she and I would get along so nicely if we were given the chance-”
“You wanna get under her bed sheets with her.”
“...Yes. Fuck you for being not innocent like a foal your age should be.”
“Hey, Luna’ll stop by for some human snuggle time, if you wanna join in, you can ask her. I’m sure she won’t mind.” Chrysalis nodded as a knock on the door interrupted them.
“I can get it,” Chrysalis said as her horn lit. The door opened and Twilight Velvet and Night Light strolled in… only to stop. From their perspective, all they saw was their adoptive son, sitting on a monster’s back. Said son had his hands on her, one was scratching her jaw, and the other was rubbing one of her ears. The Queen’s crown was sitting on the nightstand so Bob wouldn’t accidentally knock it off, and it served as a symbol for both the human and changeling; they were equals. “Hello, Mr and Mrs. Twilight. I know this looks bad, but I simply requested to be spoiled, and Bob is delivering.”
“...Why the buck are you in my child’s room?” Twilight Velvet asked.
“Chrysalis is my friend, Twilight.”
“She mind controlled your brother! She almost bit your sister’s head off, and had thrown your sister in law into Celestia knows where!” The mare yelled. “And you’re sitting there, sharing brownies with her, and snuggling up to her like she’s family!”
Bob simply sat there, before removing himself from Chrysalis’s back. “So do you wanna disown me or something, Mrs. Velvet? Do you suddenly no longer wish for me to be your child because said child wants to associate with the big, evil bug lady that literally brought them brownies as a sign of friendship?”
“I don’t want to! I think she’s mind controlling you; how else would you have forgiven her for everything she’s done?”
“I just went and forgave her. Chrysalis definitely isn’t remorseful, she’s about as racist as you ponies are.” The Queen snorted, but did not disagree with that statement. “I can forgive and forget if somebody makes the effort to show that they felt bad. Chrysalis at least felt bad for treating me like an animal, and has said she doesn’t want to hurt me at all. I still don’t stand behind what she did. I’m still a little livid about what she had done to Shiny, but she’s making plans to try and genuinely apologize to him. And all her arguments as for why I should be her friend are pretty sound; free brownies; snuggles; changelings that guard me every hour of the day while being hidden. Hell, Chrysalis snuck in here one night and cuddled, with five other changelings, me, and Azolf. Now that was fun..”
“You’re… not being mind controlled?”
“No, Mom. I’m not. Chrysalis was simply being nice to me, so I started being nice back. Once you get to know her, and she doesn’t immediately chase you away, she’s pretty nice.”
“I can’t believe this…” Night Light sighed. “Wait a second…”
“What? Me calling Twilight Velvet ‘Mom’? I know I’m never seeing my actual home again, Dad. I might as well start accepting that I won’t be seeing my biological family any ever again… Luna even suggested I do something at our upcoming concert to symbolize me saying goodbye to my old life. I may as well start calling you both Mom and Dad, even if I’m about to be disowned simply because I wanted to be friends with a couple of changelings.”
“We weren’t going to disown you, Bob. We just wanted to know why you became friends with her.” Twilight Velvet said. “Are you certain that you aren’t being mind controlled?”
“Nope. The worst thing Chrysalis has done, ever since she dropped her disguise, was curse at me for beating her...”
“It was fucking bullshit, I tell you,” Chrysalis said behind a tea cup she didn’t have a few moments ago. Both the human and Queen laughed at the elder Twilights’ expression. “Oh no, Bob never laid a hand on me in any violent way. No, he kicked my flank in a game of chess, so I started using a spell to read his mind and beat him every game after that.”
“The fuck, Chrysalis? I thought you were just good at chess!”
“No, I’m terrible. I just made use of my available resources, like an actual strategist, and one of my resources is mind reading!’ She giggled behind a hoof. “You adorable little asshole; it’s what you get for beating me so soundly in front of my children.”
“...Seeing you like this, your highness, and I mean no offense by this, is actually terrifying.” Night Light said calmly. “You look… and act just like any pony would, even if you’re just as vulgar as Bob is.”
“Well, Bob gave me a chance and I seized it. I have to hoof it to you ponies, as long as you don’t get an overly sapping friend, friendship is a nice concept. It keeps me fed, and Bob is more than content in pampering me whenever I ask. Oh, his belly rubs are simply divine!” The Queen chuckled. “Would you two at least hear my side of the story for why I did what I did?”
“You know what? If Bob can somehow forgive you, then surely you had a good reason,” Night Light said. So Chrysalis told him, her struggles, her woes, the denial of any form of aid when she asked for it. Everything.
“Four thousand children…” Twilight Velvet whispered. “You’ve watched four thousand of your own children die?”
“It’s worse when they die in my arms, Mrs. Twilight. I have seen so much death, so much of my own flesh and blood, have died because I couldn’t feed them. My changelings can survive on regular, ‘pony’ food, but how can we get that if we don’t have the means to grow or farm anything? Emotions are the most nutritious thing a changeling can eat, but then it makes us seem like bloodthirsty monsters that will kill somepony as soon as they run dry of emotions.
“My changelings can, and have formed bonds with other beings that they use to get their fill of emotions from. Azolf,” the changeling dropped down from the ceiling, turned into a colt-sized version of himself, and crawled on top of the human’s head. “Tried so hard after I called the invasion off, to keep me from cocooning Bob because he cared about his favorite little human. I have had lovers in the past that didn’t know who I was, and I’ve become depressed when they passed. I understand just how fucked up my most recent attempt at getting food for my children is.
“I almost ruined the marriage of two perfectly innocent ponies because I needed to feed my children. I did not lay a hoof on Shiny, I did not bed him, and I will not do that. As much as I am apathetic to what I’ve done to him and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, even I draw lines. Touching somepony else’s mate is far past how far I’ll go to get food. Shining Armor was merely a tool I needed to get love, not a sex toy, Mrs. Twilight… As much as I would’ve loved to bed somepony so handsome, even I couldn’t have lived with myself if I did.”
“My bucking Celestia…” Twilight Velvet and Night Light slowly turned to each other and nodded. “You didn’t want to hurt Shiny?”
“I did my best to only control and feed off him. I even told the doctors what to do with the side effects of being forcefully fed upon by a changeling so that he could look good for his wedding.” Chrysalis shook her head. “Now do not think I’m any better than I am. I have murdered ponies, griffins, anything in the past. I am not a good changeling. But if you get on my good side, like Bob has, then I will stick my neck out for you; I can be nice.”
“And that,” Bob patted Chrysalis on the neck. “Is why you are my favorite monarch. Luna would be, but she’s more of a diarch.”
“So I’m not your favorite changeling or pony? How rude.”
The Twilights just watched as the Changeling and Human started playfully bickering at each other. Soon, it ended with Bob being pinned down, on the bed and being tickled to Tartarus and back… Then Chrysalis hit Bob in the face with a pillow.
“Help! Queen Cheese Legs is gonna kill me-OOF!” Bob grunted when he caught a pillow in the face again.
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Celestia I know that some part of her wants to have people who care about her and she can do the same back but until she stops looking for the hidden knife in everything she won't be able to. Queenie has put actions to words and shown that she wants to be friends with him. Everyone in his heart has shown with their actions that they care about him. But Celestia won't even make an effort to try to be a friend. She can work on paperwork a mountain size pile but when comes to connections with others she just won't make any effort. I glad Luna is planning on leaving. Maybe the changelings can be roadies for them.
I will have to admit that this version of Queen Chrissy has more going for her than the former version, as this makes her seem closer to the actual character that she had been presented in the canon. I do find it curious that you seem to present Celestia as more or less the heavy (no "Cakelestia" joke here). However, you do make a good point with her advanced age, always keeping a lookout for some assassination attempt, which has always been the dilemma of leadership, so her attitude can be dismissed based on that knowledge. However, it still does not excuse Celestia being an ass towards Bob.
You A\N does make me curious now. I won't try to guess where you may go with that final statement.
I do like Bob, and I hope for the vest for him, being rather exiled from his home world and now forced to live amongst creatures not at all similar to him.
And so from this point of view Celestia was so overwhelmed by plots of Intrigue & Assassinations that in her mind many are out to get her. While being wary and vigilant is always good, constant Paranoia and lack of true investment with family and so-called friends will ultimately make you lonely. And while Chrysalis is no Saint, she at least is honest with those who deal with her straight and show little fear and also help giving love freely.
All in all a nice chapter.
(When are we gonna get a Luna & Chrysalis emoji?!?!?!?)
11783696
Doesnt that mean she pretty much was driven insane by it?
11783871
I wouldn't say outright Insanity, but more constant Paranoia.
As the old saying goes: it ain't paranoia if somepony is out to get you.
11783874
At the rate she's going she will be completely alone and by that I mean other than work no one will want to be around her as its already happening with Luna as I think the saying 'The more things change, the more they stay the same' applies here as not only has the issues that caused Nightmare Moon has not been resolved but I think things have actually worsened.
11783874
I’d say that if somepony is out to get you and you never notice because you’re too busy squinting at everypony else’s every move, it’s still paranoia. That’s why I call it “not an actual survival trait”, too.
As to the author’s note, we’ll see. Chryssi killing someone in front of Bob in simple defense of herself or others would technically already fulfil that announcement, for example.