How The Princess Celestia Stole Christmas
Bob sat on a chair away from the rest of the Twilight Family. The human was sitting with a guitar, across from each of them. The Twilights, Sparkle and Velvet were cuddling together. Night Light was holding his head in his hooves, while Spike was cuddled up next to him, with now curious eyes on the human. Cadance and Shining Armor actually had their own couch, and were happily cuddling. As Shining Armor had said, he more or less didn’t try to act out against Bob, as much as he could, and by the end of the first day, the two of them were a bit more friendly. Understandably, Bob and Shining Armor still had a few differences that they have yet to settle, but they were at least on semi-friendly terms now.
“Twilight,” Bob said, looking dead at Sparkles. “Why do you want me to sing a christmas carol?”
“Because during dinner last night, I asked if you humans have anything similar to Hearth’s Warming. Why do you ask?”
“...Humans celebrate Christmas in December, aside from that discrepancy, and heavier focus on gifts, it’s basically Hearth’s Warming.”
“So sing a ‘carol’!” Twilight clapped her hooves. She and her mother both pulled out notebooks, each with their own cutie marks on their respective books. Bob slowly looked at the other ponies and the single dragon in the room.
“I’m not going to get out of this unscathed if I choose not to play anything, am I?” Bob asked, hoping for some out. Night Light slowly shook his head with a big grin on his face. Even Shining Armor was grinning at the human’s predicament. “Shit,” Bob took another look at the Twilights… who were now giving him puppy eyes. At some point, Cadance had broken off from Shining Armor, and was now with the other two mares, also giving him puppy eyes. So, Bob just sighed and face palmed. “God damn you ponies and your big ol’ eyes…” Bob started plucking a few notes. “This is a song my people call Carol of the Bells.”
Thanks to Bob’s experience in singing in a church choir, a lot of the christmas carols he had performed for the Twilight Family were performed flawlessly. While most of the family were happily taking in songs from another creature’s culture, Shining Armor watched with intent… only for him to relax and smile when his fiance found her way back into his embrace. “You know dear,” Shining Armor whispered to Cadance. “That colt seems much, much happier now that he’s singing a bunch of songs from his home.”
“He does,” Cadance hummed. “I do like these songs, they’re very relaxing.” She looked back at her husband-to-be. “So, what do you think of Bob now? I quite like him, and I can tell that Twilight may have a thing for him. Both of them aren’t adults yet, legally at least, so I bet they could be a cute couple.” Shining Armor stared at his fiance for a moment before turning to the human. The way he beamed, despite his earlier reluctance, and seemed lost in his own little world as he performed… And the way Twilight Sparkle was looking at him…
“Oh dear Celestia,” Shining Armor whispered. “My sister has a thing for humans.”
“Are you complaining?” Cadance asked.
“No. While I’m completely in favor of her dating Bob, as her older brother, it’s my job to make sure she’s happy and safe. So far,” Twilight had moved from her spot next to her mother to lay in the chair Bob was sitting in. She was squeezed in between his thighs and the arm rests. As soon as the human was done singing something called ‘Jingle Bells’, he set his guitar off to the side and scratched at the sleepy unicorn’s ears. “I don’t think Bob would actively hurt Twilight, and I bet that they’d like each other.”
Twilight Velvet closed her notebook while Night Light simply nodded. “Yup,” the stallion said. “You’re pretty good with that; if you were a pony, you’d have a cutie mark in music, Bob.”
“Eh, I only had practice. I don’t particularly believe in talents, or whatever Cutie Marks represent for you guys.” Everypony in the room flinched. “If anyone put their mind to something, and had the time to practice, they could get good at anything. For instance, Twilight’s got an innate talent for magic, and clearly has the power to back it up, but if she didn’t practice or get Princess Celestia as a teacher? Or if she wanted to paint instead, her cutie mark would be a canvas instead.” Bob shrugged. “It’s a belief I’ve picked up from Earth. I… probably shouldn’t voice that, should I?”
Twilight Sparkle was the first to speak up. “That… does have some merit. As you said, if I enjoyed painting more than I liked magic, then I would’ve ended up as a painter who happened to be powerful with magic.”
“Anyone can be what they wanna be. Sure, everyone around you might, no, will influence you, even if they don’t know they’re influencing you, into becoming who you are today. For instance, I assume you got your studying problems from your Mom; as in you don’t know when to stop once you get started,” Bob chuckled when Twilight’s face was now slightly red.
“I don’t!”
“You and your mother pulled out a notebook,” the human opened up the notebook. “You wrote down every lyric, note and chord for Carol of the Bells, and I bet your Mom did the same?” Twilight Velvet nodded, grinning at how Bob had thoroughly embarrassed her daughter. “You… just wrote down everything I said,” he deadpanned. “You’re gonna make that a friendship report for Celestia, aren’t you, Twilight?” The unicorn nodded. “Knew it.”
“Shut up, Bob!” Twilight groaned. “Seriously though, that is something that is very interesting. How old are you again? You’re barely older than Spike is, and you’re thinking like that?”
“When you’re a teenager that’s spent most of the last year sitting in a cave, with nothing to do, you think of a lot of things. I’m probably a little insane because of that too, but we’ll just ignore my problems and pretend like I didn’t open my mouth after Night Light complimented me.”
“But…” Night Light shrugged. “I know I’ll definitely talk with Celestia about that later.” Aside from that little break up, the rest of the week went off without issue. Bob and the Twilights laughed, played board games, and overall just enjoyed themselves. By the end of the third day, Shining Armor was sitting in the same chair Bob was sitting in just a few days prior, with his front legs crossed as he pouted. He was complaining about an itch he couldn’t reach, since magic wasn’t very good for getting at itchy spots, which happened to be right in the middle of his back.
So Bob offered to scratch it for him, and soon had the Captain of the Royal Guard melt into what was basically a giant puppy. After thoroughly helping Twilight’s brother with his itch, the unicorn had rolled over for a belly rub, as Twilight had told her family-mid Shining Armor scratch down-about how great belly rubs were… Bob was laughing as Shining Armor’s hindlegs kicked like a dog would when you scratch the right spot on the belly…
Then Cadance grabbed her fiance by the tail and dragged Shining Armor away, and then took his place under the human’s hands. So now Bob was sitting on the couch with a purring alicorn in his lap as he was now brushing her coat out. “Oh, Twilight was right, Bob’s paws are wonderful!” She squeezed one eye open and looked her fiance in the eye. “You should try this out sometime,” she cooed when Bob put the brush down and wrapped an arm around her neck. Shining Armor almost got up, only to sit back down when he realized that Bob was just hugging her.
“Sheesh,” Bob hummed. “Where were all you cuddling, sweet ponies when I first got here?” He chuckled as Twilight Velvet soon hopped up on the couch and started pawing at him with a hoof; she wanted to get brushed now. Twilight Sparkle soon joined the couch with her brother, but unlike her brother, she had a smug grin.
“Well, B.B.B.F.F? How is Bob?” The younger unicorn asked.
The older unicorn chuckled. “Okay, I admit, Bob is pretty nice,” now Bob was blowing raspberries into Cadance’s neck, making her squirm. “But this isn’t fair,” he pouted. “It was my turn with the human, and then Cady took him from me!” He crossed his hooves again. “Now look, she’s getting… oh, oh dear Celestia… those paws of his are wonderful for tickling ponies, aren’t they?” Cadance’s laughter was now filling the house since Bob had removed one of her horse shoes and was now tickling the sensitive hoof underneath.
“Shining Armor,” Bob said, looking up from Cadance as she squirmed to try and get away. “You caught a good one; thanks for the fresh meat.” Bob giggled when he stopped tickling the now tired alicorn who was looking at him in fear. “What? Didn’t my classmates tell you, Princess? I eat ponies… I think. Never thought about trying it, but it seems interesting. I heard alicorn tastes pretty good-” he stopped and started laughing at the now terrified alicorn. “Okay, I need to stop, the look on your face is priceless! Oh, I need to do that to Luna at the party-”
“Wait, Luna, as in Princess Luna?” Shining Armor asked. “How do you know her?”
“She stopped me from trying to… okay, I’ll be blunt, I might or might not have walked into the Everfree Forest with the hopes of getting killed by something in there-”
“WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU BUCKING MEAN, BOB?!” Twilight shouted. “YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF!?”
“Uh… yeah.”
Twilight quickly moved Cadance with her magic, and headbutted Bob in the gut, somehow her horn avoided impaling the human. “Bob, I am going to tell you this once, and I’m going to tell you this again. Don’t fucking kill yourself. I’m using one of your human curses, because… You’re my friend, I know why you went in, but you could’ve talked it out with me! I’m your friend, aren’t I, Bob?” She asked.
“...Yeah. At the time, I felt alone and worthless, Twilight. I wasn’t thinking straight at all.” Bob sighed. “Thinking back, at the time, only you and Fluttershy probably would’ve been really upset if you found out I got myself killed in the forest.” Twilight glared at him. “Next time I’m feeling the way I did, after the play, I’ll come talk to you first, alright? We’ve gotten a lot closer after Luna lifted my criminal record.”
“Good. Now that Mom wants to adopt you, you best believe you’re going to be my BLBFF.”
“She… what?” Bob scratched the back of his head at the prospect of finally having people to call family in this horrible land.
A few days later, Bob was putting his coat back on, since for tonight and tomorrow, Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor and Cadance would all be staying at the castle. Of course, Twilight Velvet and Night Light would be coming along, since Celestia invited the Elements of Harmony and all of their families. Bob was invited due to his connections with Luna, and Cadance was Celestia’s niece, however that worked with the Sun Princess’s only living relative being on the moon for the last thousand years, but she also apparently had a nephew. On the table, in a box was a cake Bob had baked himself, which surprised the Twilights for some reason.
It was a fruitcake. After being told about how many ponies were going to be at the party, the Twilights helped Bob bake three more cakes, with Twilight Sparkle holding the three he personally didn’t make himself; that one was for Luna. “Are you guys ready yet?” Bob asked after slipping on his shoes.
“Yeah!” The whole family said in unison. Cadance was now wearing a crown and a necklace that had a heart etched into it. Bob couldn’t help but poke Twilight Sparkle on the nose as she stood beside him; she just looked really cute with the scarf and earmuffs. That resulted in an ear nip, but Bob still thought that booping the snoot was worth it. When the family of unicorns and single human were let into castle grounds, they were led up into the castle itself where the ballroom, where the party was taking place, was right in front of the door.
The first thing Bob did once he got inside the ballroom was look around, not at the decor, not at any of the possible snacks he could devour, but for a certain alicorn… which he quickly found. He immediately broke off from the Twilights, who were too busy conversing with the rest of the Elements’ families to notice Bob being missing, and made his way over to Luna. The alicorn quickly noticed the human and waved him over. “Greetings Bob, how are thou enjoying Hearth’s Warming Eve?”
“It’s going alright,” Bob held up the cake box. “I made something for you.”
“...Bob, I know you described Chirstmas to me in your letters, but Hearth’s Warming is about spending time with your loved ones-”
“And I wanted to make a cake for you. It’s a tradition to make a fruitcake on Christmas, and given that I’m celebrating it, for me anyways, a month early, I baked a fruitcake that my brother taught me when he was working at a bakery. So,” the two of them made it over to the dinner table, which was currently empty, and Bob set the box down. He opened the box and showed it off. Celestia had found her way over to the pair pretty quickly upon seeing what Bob was doing. “Howdy, Celestia. Wanna try some fruitcake?”
“...That’s what that is? I’ve never seen it before.” Luna cut out a slice and ate her slice… only for a golden hue to enveloped the slice, the cake itself, and the other fruitcakes and slices of fruitcake that ponies were trying to sample. Everything that was fruitcake, that Bob had a hand in making, was snatched up into the air and Bob was immediately pinned to the ground with magic. Celestia’s horn remained lit as she stared down at the human.
“Sister! What the buck are you doing?”
Celestia put her eyes on her younger sister. “Luna, I know you fully trust Bob, and I know that Bob and I have had an agreement, but that does not mean I fully trust him. For all I know, for all anypony knows, this could just be a scheme to poison everypony here. Bob has more than enough of a motive to do so, and he can take out the same Princess that ‘ordered’ his capture. Think Luna, what do you remember when we nearly got poisoned because of a griffin general that we had defeated months prior to when the Treaty of Gryphus was signed?”
“You… think I would poison Luna?” Bob asked. “Or Twilight’s family after they’ve shown me nothing but love and care for the last week? Or Cadance who’s been a total sweetheart?” Bob frowned from his spot on the floor. He was laying belly down, being held down with magic. Rainbow Dash quickly snatched the slice of fruitcake that she was sampling and quickly scarfed it down before Celestia could take it away. She started choking on it immediately. In a heartbeat, every single crumb of fruitcake was burnt to a crisp.
Bob’s eyes slowly followed the ashes of the cake he had made for Luna to fall to the ground.
“I’m okay everypony,” Rainbow’s voice was a bit raspy. “A bit of candied apple got stuck in my throat… buck, now I want another… why are there ashes everywhere?”
“Sister,” Luna said coldly. “Didst we act as a filly on nightmare night for nought?” She slowly asked. “We acted as an excitable, little filly that was moe than content to try a few carnival games, so that thou and Bob could talk and possibly build friendship! Now look!” She pointed a hoof, who was now free from Celestia’s grasp, sitting with his legs crossed as he stared at the largest pile of ashes in front of him. “Our friend merely wished to share a dish from his home, and thou presently assume he is trying to poison everypony! for hold, but for an instant, thou could hast placed trust 'i mine friend, and thou didn't.”
Bob got to his feet and slowly looked around the room. He patted Luna on the head and shook his own. “Don’t waste your breath over it, Lulu. We can hangout later. Right now… I wanna go lay down.” As the human made his way towards the doors, Twilight Velvet, and the entire Twilight Family followed Bob out. Cadance casted a glare at her aunt, and Luna quickly followed suit. The human locked himself in his room, but that didn’t spare him from being followed into his room anyway; the entire Twilight family knew how to use teleportation spells and Cadance and Luna were simply naturals at it.
“Bob, are you alright?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“That is a stupid question,” Bob sighed and leaned back. “All that work was for fuck all, I guess,” he chuckled. “Man, I fucking hate ponies,” he raised a fist and pumped it. “Wooo.” Twilight Velvet hopped onto the bed and nuzzled his cheek. “You guys are alright at least.”
“Bob,” Luna spoke up. “I know you probably find this notion to be stupid, but I would like to apologize for my sister’s actions. I didn’t think she would assume the worst in you, but she did.”
“...Why’d she think I’d poison anyone anyways? For one, I wouldn’t want to poison my best friends, or their immediate families. Secondly, where the fuck else could I have baked three fruitcakes? Twilight watched me, and if I even put a drop of bleach in it, she would’ve stopped me immediately. Hell, her family helped me make the other three. So at a minimum, those wouldn’t have been poisoned at all.” Bob’s head hit the back of his bed frame. Luna magically moved the elder Twilight from the human’s side, and fully laid herself across his lap. She laid her head on his chest and he chuckled a bit before wrapping his arms around her. “If you guys didn’t follow me, I probably woulda jumped out of the window and see a sudden stop is just as deadly to humans in Equestria as they are to humans.”
Luna growled at that notion. She muttered what were probably curses towards her sister in a tongue nopony could understand.
He instantly noted the Twilights’ new curiosity and a small smile formed on his face as he got ready to explain. “The stop is what hurts you the most when you fall.” They wrote that down in a notebook, and the family immediately hopped into the bed to surround the human with snuggles and cuddles to lift his mood. They all stayed in that position until the door cracked open, Celestia’s signature, flowing mane came first, followed by the mare’s face. “Let me handle this one, Luna. I have a few words for her.”
“Bob, can I speak with you alone?”
“Celestia, there is no way for me to kindly say this, not in the mood I’m in… So fuck off.” even Luna flinched with how venomous Bob’s voice had become. “Fuck you, fuck everything you stand for, and fuck the nation that’s built on love and acceptance. Trust goes both ways, and you seem to not be willing to go down that road. So I’m not gonna go down it either.” Bob extracted his arm out from under Twilight Sparkle and flipped the Sun Princess off. His face softened and looked down at Twilight Velvet. “Can we go back to your place so that I can bake y’all some more fruitcake?”
“We can do that, if everypony here is alright with that.” It was unanimous, so the family and Luna walked out the room to spend the rest of Hearth’s Warming Eve and Hearth’s Warming Day at the Twilight Family Home. Celestia’s heart dropped when even her faithful little student, Twilight Sparkle gave her a judgemental look and a shake of her head, as she was the last one out, with Spike on her back. The little dragon even mimicked the hand gesture Bob had just done as he pulled the door closed behind his adoptive sister.
After a quickly thrown together, simple Hearth’s Warming Eve dinner, and some fruitcake, Luna had decided to act as Bob’s bed, and soon, there was a pile of ponies, and human, in front of the fireplace.
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Bruh every time I get an ounce of hope for Celestia she takes that hope and chucks it into her sun, and while she didn't know Bob made the cakes with Twilight that still doesn't mean automatically assume the worst and tackle him with magic! Couldn't she just I dunno used a spell to scan for poison or something instead of overreacting and assuming he's trying to poison everyone
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Besides what would Bob have to gain the general was doing because of politics but only has a few people that he cares about because they care about him. All Celestia has done is make her nation of hypocrites look legitimate in their hypocritical behavior. If she keeps this up she will drive everyone away because they aren't going to tolerate her behavior towards Bob and trying to make him out to be a bad guy in everything.
Nice one, Celestia, you just soured the Heart's Warming Eve when Bob was trying to be nice to you... You'd better make up for him
11766293
At first I was confused by the title but it fits very well as Celestia is the grinch
11766320
She sure is in this chapter.
11766326
Yeah. I think she should be punished by trying to become his friend so she will finally get how rotten she been.
WOW celeastea trust issues oh no he made something it must be poisoned burn it he wants to kill every 1 he likes jeast becus of my stupidity no trust for bob but celeastea wants hem to trust her
Well Celestia, you have OFFICIALLY been promoted to a Bucking Cunt Bitch!! With all that entails it with thy actions.
And here I was for a moment thinking that Celestia just wanted to steal all the cake for herself.
Celly, by this point I’d consider seeing a psychotherapist if I were you. You keep overreacting to Bob in a way that genuinely suggests to me that there just might be something wrong in your head, and as long as you’re parking your butt on that throne of yours that’s potentielly everypony’s problem. So surely getting a professional second opinion or two on the matter isn’t too much to ask.
(Loud and long sigh)
I was hoping to see things thaw out between both Bob and Celestia. Guess I was wrong. If she doesn't cease thinking the worst of him, she is probably going to drive him to Chrysalis, just as in the previous version of this story. Serve her right if Bob does aid the changelings, as they, if this redux follows the previous version, would quickly take to Bob as a source for love, which he gladly gave them freely.
Guess that I will have to wait for further chapters to see how this will turn out...
Humans. They can be a ponies best friend
or worst nightmare. 
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i thougjt about making Bob and Celestia become cuddle buddies instead of the outcome of this chapter… and decided this would be way juicier.
11766508
It will certainly drive the plot along.
My curiosity is about Bob and Luna now, and how their relationship will grow. (No, I'm not seeking spoilers, just thinking aloud.)
11766522
i need to point this out:
On nightmare night, Luna never spent any time trying to be accepted, she was too busy having fun with Bob. I plan on capitalising on that.
11766530
Why in the world would the princess be such a party pooper
*insert Vulkan frown here*
Celestia I’m not mad well a little but mostly disappointed
Celestia shows she's NO frickin better than those nasty ponies that attacked Bob!
Sure shows that she's a goddamn hypocrite also!
I highly doubt it's even a "good idea" for Earth/U.N. to ever "ally" with the ponies, if Celestia is acting like this to one human teen!
Heck, I'm won't even be surprised that her stupidity like this will cause a war against humanity, thus it's her own damn fault that her ponies will DIE because of it!!!!!!!
11770099
Which is why she punished him and not them. She saw no wrong doing on their part.