- Member Since 6th May, 2012
- offline last seen April 12th
Blindteller
I try to write time to time, forgive me for long update times!
Blindteller
Joined 6th May, 2012 ·
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An interesting read. I'd certainly be down for more of it.
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Glad you liked it, and thanks for commenting! Was actually surprised at how active the site still is so am toying with a second chapter now ;)
Well, it certainly has descriptive meaty sentences to dig my proverbial teeth in. While genre is not what I usually read, it's alright. Have a like!
I'm not really sure how to structure this lengthy comment so I'll just write my thoughts in random order and separate them with a horizontal rule. By the way, even though this story has lots of grammatical errors, I'm not going to nit-pick every one—my old story also had lots of grammar errors before I edited it—but in the future, please take care to assure your work is as orderly as possible.
Here's something I will mention though: your story is lacking proper punctuation. Commas are present, but they aren't used correctly sometimes. That combined with the grammatical mistakes made it difficult to read and comprehend what I was reading. Remember, the more professional your work is, the more people will respect you. Well, people like me anyway
So, many elements of this story feel extremely rushed. The scenes that should be descriptive are lacking. The jokes, the proverbial language, the 4th-wall-breaking nods to the reader, et cetera. For example, the dream sequence is only one paragraph in length. It should be much longer and more detailed to have more of an impact. Same with the scene where the protagonist is attempting to sleep during the night and hears an owl hunting a rabbit. That scene should have been extended.
The scene with the wolf attack is a decent length (though I personally dislike huge paragraphs that aren't properly split into multiple bite-sized paragraphs, it's overwhelming) but the part where the protagonist uses magic to defend themselves was glossed over in a mere sentence: "Suddenly the world around me glowed a familiar green and the Wolves eyes widened before an explosion of light and sound knocked me off my feet." You really really need to describe what's happening more! Especially the climax of the story. The climax is the most important part.
The part with the walking stick had the potential to be a great emotional moment but, again, it felt really rushed. Emotion like this cannot be covered so quickly. One or two paragraphs isn't sufficient.
I'm a huge fan of descriptive writing. The line, "The sky... ...was an endless bright blue so vast that you could almost drown in it", was beautiful. I'd like to see more lines of that quality!
I really liked the transition from forest to lush plains in this paragraph: "Soon I came across another patch of grass, I ate it nearly as quickly as the previous patch but I was able to stop myself from digging for roots this time. Not but a few minutes later I found another patch, then another, and soon I was standing in a very green ditch with the ground beneath my hoofs feeling soft and moist."
Instead of simply saying "the character walked from point A to point B" you disguised their travel via their intense focus on the food, the grass. Additionally, because the food is grass, the reader can tell the land is becoming more verdant simply by the presence of the extra grass before it's explicitly stated that the landscape has changed. Remember the rule of "show don't tell". This is an excellent example.