An orange filly might live in a chicken coop, what could happens to her ?
Any resemblance to ponies you know may be purely coincidental.
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scootaboom
Joined 19th Sep, 2012 ·
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First try, hope someone enjoy it.
TERRIBLE LAMPSHADING IS TERRIBLE.
Alright. Let's do this.
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRv73onXaYUvat_2DUQIEkWFNBEgyKj3fb-crUNR8sSPgbzHRmD
Just no. You need the little things called 'indents'. You use the 'tab' key on your keyboard.
Your grammar is a bit off. I recommend finding an editor/proofreader. I do believe there are a few groups that offer this. You are missing a few letters and words inside your sentences. Again, proofread the story. This will save your butt greatly. I also notice a few capitalization errors. Pretty much it seems to me that you need to find a proofreader so far.
The ending to me is a bit weak, in my opinion. Other than that, the plot is pretty interesting, but could do with a few minor tweaks.
In conclusion, just proofread your story or get someone to do it for you. Also, I recommend a few tweaks to the plot and ending.
Freeze out!
---
I think I see a barrage of snowballs...
holy fuck where do I start... okay. so. get a proofreader. that right there will eliminate about 75 percent of your problems. the other 25 percent is in the story itself, and ultimately it's up to you to fix that. there are plot holes a mile wide in this story. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in its current state...
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/574321-Liege/321/30/1294991995091n1295996585117_display_display.png
I'm with everyone else on this. You should probably get a proofreader/editor, that would knock out a good portion of this story's problems, however, there are so many plot holes in this story that if given a physical form, it would look like a changeling's leg. I think I hear a train somewhere in the distance . . .
1305427
I think I see a volley of snowballs in the distance.....
1305496 Why not both?
encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRLCsZJplWH_VmlQ4GkYzqMLylzSuAhdAhqmQdj7VFQH-_QNuUc
1305511
Agreed.
I mean, it could be worse...It was really hard to follow though. Perhaps I'm tired and haven't hardly slept for a month, but still. Also, I didn't really understand most of it.
All that really needed saying was already said by 1305339, so....
static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/4103583+_6b73cc4db4cdddcbb7e819ecfc2c1f74.gif
hah i love this! Its not so bad, cmon guys!
1305978 omg my OC is dark red and red!
dont be a hater
I like the story
1305339 To your barrage of snowballs I saw
CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKER!
Yeah, you really should just join the Train Wreck Explorers.
*insert everything he said*
1306174
Black and red ocs suck. And dark red that is dark enough to confuse me into thinking its black might as well be black.
o.o I rather liked the story. Needs some TLC in the formatting department, but I liked the story itself...
EDIT:
I'm not going to bother reading this if there are so many negative votes.Umm... Though I wouldn't mind fixing it up for you? I'm not a part of a group because I don't know how they work but as a novice author, this might prove useful for me, and we'll both profit from this... Hopefully...EDIT: Maybe I won't need to help... It sort of looks like the story has been fixed.
okay ^^;
first, sorry about grammar errors, english not my first language. but i did my best and ran a few spellcheck
1306891
I might take up on your offer, but as a novice too, i don't really know how that works either, i'll try something. (and i checked the story, don't seems any different that when i posted it)
as for plot holes, well, most i'm aware of are there not to spoil the end.
I'm assuming either you do not speak English or are very young. Based on this, I am not going to downvote your story - but that doesn't change the fact that it is impossible to read.
added some tabs like 1305496 suggested.
i don't see much more i can do for formating(actually, most stories don't even use that).
1307044 right, i don't speak english, but come on, very young ?
also, what does make this story hard/impossible to read ?
-the fact there is no name ?
when i first finished, i saw i only used a handfull, so i decided to scrap them. found it somewhat fun, as they are not really needed(i mean, there are two characters involved, if you don't get them with the descriptions, i can't help you)
-the improbable descriptions ?
ever read h2g2 ?
-something else ?
tell me then
1307164
As an ex-English tutor, I suppose I'm just a little picky. Don't take it personally. We all make errors, even if English is our first language, but this story just has so many that I cannot overlook them.
I would suggest, after doing your best translations, have a friend either here or somewhere else who is fluent in the English language edit it for you.
1306961
Hello, well I'd like to help out with your story if you don't mind.
Thanks for the offer and what not.
This story was good in my opinion. Despite the grammatical errors, the overall story was well thought out. Just a little bit of editing should do the trick. Keep up the good work!